THE DEATH OF one of the ventriloquists had shaken the others quite badly and some had agreed to talk. I was shown into a room upstairs at the Seaman’s Mission in which sat two very old men, with fine wisps of white hair on their shiny pates, and old suits that had stayed the same size for years as they both gradually shrank. They were drinking tea and still chewing their breakfast with grizzled unshaven jowls and false teeth that suggested the necessary lip control to be a working vent was no more than a distant memory for them. They were twins, Bill and Ben.
‘Few years ago he probably performed at their birthday parties,’ said Ben. ‘Their little faces glowing with excitement.’
‘All pink and freshly scrubbed, their hair neatly combed and everyone smelling of vanilla,’ said Bill. Then he turned to me again as if just remembering something.
‘Are you sure the confrère spoke after Mr Marmalade was dead?’
‘The what?’
‘His confrère, Señor Rodrigo.’
‘You mean his dummy?’
‘We never use that word, it’s insulting. Are you sure he carried on speaking?’
‘No, I’m not sure, I’m just saying that’s how it seemed. It was probably the wind.’
‘How could it be the wind, the wind doesn’t speak Spanish!’
‘No I know, but it’s like –’
The old man stamped his foot in a strangely uncalled-for state of agitation. ‘But that’s a stupid thing to say, the wind goes: Woooooooaaahhh-ooooo …!’
‘Or: Phweeeeeeeeeee!’ added Ben.
‘Not like Spanish at all,’ said Bill.
‘OK, you win.’ I raised my hands. ‘It couldn’t have been the wind.’
The two old-timers looked at each other with an air of intense earnest. Bill hissed the words, ‘It’s the Quietus! The Quietus!’
Ben punched his fist feebly into his palm. ‘It’s … it’s not possible, no it cannot be –’
‘And yet it must … this man has seen it … with his own eyes!’
‘Are we to believe a … a … an outsider … one who has no love for the Art?’
‘Must we reject him because of his obscurity?’
‘But if … if … no it cannot be. Not to such a lowly one as … as … a private detective, who ever heard of such a thing?’
‘And yet did not the Good Lord reveal himself to a mere shepherd?’
‘If it is true we must put a call through to St Petersburg.’
‘But we have to be sure, we have to be certain.’
They stopped their conference and turned to me. ‘It is the Quietus.’
‘I don’t know what that is.’
‘No, you wouldn’t. If you did you wouldn’t be here, you would be on the train to St Petersburg.’
‘If I promise not to go to St Petersburg, will you tell me what it is?’
‘The Dying Swan Quietus. It’s a legend … no! It’s much more than that … it’s the elephants’ graveyard of ventriloquism … no! It’s much more than that, more than that, it’s …’
His brother interjected. ‘You know the trick they always do at kids’ parties where the vent makes his confrère speak while he drinks a glass of milk?’
I nodded, ‘I’ve seen it a couple of times.’
‘It’s like that, only you do it when you die. Like a dying swan. It’s … it’s very sacred to us.’
‘You get a prize if you report one.’
‘But there’s only ever been one. Enoch Ishmael in 1785. There was a plaque to him on the harbour wall for many years.’
‘But the druids melted it down to spite us.’
‘One day we are going to have a day-care centre and it will be called the Enoch Ishmael Day-Care Centre.’
The double-handed conversation had started to resemble a vaudeville act. I raised my hand. ‘Whoa! Enough about the Quietus. I want to know about this man who shared the room with the monk, Dean Morgan.’
They stopped speaking and fidgeted. ‘We … we … don’t know about him.’
‘Please, it’s very important that I find him.’
‘No, we don’t know him. We’ve never heard of him.’ Their faces became disfigured with disgust. ‘He’s not our friend, we hated him. Tell us about the Quietus …’
I stood up, walked to the door and said, ‘What Quietus? I didn’t see any Quietus.’
Gretel turned up in the office later that afternoon, wearing a fawn Spanish inquisitor’s cowl over her Mother Hubbard. Her face shone with the mild intoxication that comes from a day-trip to Gomorrah. She sat in the client’s chair and spun round like a child before steadying herself by grabbing the edge of the desk. ‘I can’t stay long I’ve got a haunting tutorial at six.’
‘Sure.’
‘And I’ve got three pairs of pants on so don’t even think of trying to take advantage of me.’
‘And I bet they’re really big pants, aren’t they?’
She nodded. ‘They were my gran’s.’
‘Ah well, just my luck. I’ll have to ask you about Dean Morgan instead.’
‘Have you found him yet?’ she asked breezily, as if we were talking about a lost hamster.
‘Funnily enough, no, I’ve been a bit slow this week. But I’ve found out a few things. It seems he only spent a couple of days at the Excelsior before checking out. According to the hotel detective he checked out in disguise.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘A new identity. He checked in as a professor and left as a ventriloquist.’
I said the word slowly and scrutinised Gretel’s expression for any sort of reaction. Clients invariably know a lot more than they tell you.
‘How strange. Are you sure it was him?’
I shook my head. ‘No but I think the detective was telling the truth and he wouldn’t have been mistaken, I doubt the Dean was very accomplished at the cloak-and-dagger stuff.’
‘He must be in trouble, then.’
‘It’s a possibility. But not the only one. It’s always possible he just wanted to let his hair down.’
‘But he hasn’t got any – well hardly any.’
‘You know what I mean. Make whoopy.’
‘Don’t be daft!’
‘People do it, you know, even in Lampeter. It’s a quite popular pastime, drinking and carousing and … and … well, you know.’
She flushed, from anger or embarrassment. ‘Yes I think I do. You’re suggesting his disappearance might have something to do with a woman, aren’t you!’
‘It happens.’
‘Not to Professor Morgan it doesn’t! He’s a respectable man.’
She was looking agitated. I made a submissive gesture with my hands. ‘Try not to get upset and at least consider it. You get some starchy old fossil spending years in some creaky old college …’
She shot up from her chair. ‘That’s it, I’m leaving!’
‘What’s wrong?’
Tears of indignation were watering her eyes. ‘How dare you call Professor Morgan a fossil!’
I jumped round to the other side of the desk and grabbed her arm. She let herself be guided gently back to the seat. She said, ‘Dean Morgan isn’t the sort of person to do something like that.’
‘People like the Dean are exactly the sort of people who do things like that.’
‘Whose side are you on?’
I sighed. ‘If you hire me I’m on your side. But only so long as you are hiring me to find out the truth and not to ignore evidence that might damage someone’s reputation. You have to understand where I stand. This is a dangerous town and if you send me out there to do your business you owe it to me to tell me everything you know. I’ll do my best for you, I’ll even put myself in danger if I think the case merits it, but all the same you have to do your best by me. That’s fair, isn’t it?’ It was an old, old spiel and I’d used it a thousand times before. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t, but I don’t think I’d had a client yet who told me everything she knew and the bits they forgot to mention were always the ones that caused all the trouble.
‘Do you really think he’s gone off with a woman?’
‘I don’t think anything at the moment. Tell me about the Bad Girl.’
Gretel flinched. ‘H … h … how did you know about her?’
‘You mentioned her, remember?’
‘Oh.’
‘Yes. Oh.’
‘She was bad!’
‘Yes, I know, and you are good and so was the Dean.’
Gretel leaned forward across the desk as if there might be someone listening behind the door. ‘We hated her really and none of us would speak to her. She was an orphan, you see, they found her on the church steps – no really! They really did! We couldn’t stop laughing when we heard, we thought it only happened in nineteenth-century novels. And there she was on a Sunday-school scholarship! But that’s ridiculous, isn’t it, because they are only supposed to be for holy people but who knows where she came from? For all we knew her father could have been a dirty old donkey-man like yours!’ She stopped and leaned back. ‘But we don’t talk about her.’
‘Yeah I can see how hard it is for you.’
‘And she had no sense of humour, either! After we laughed at her she wouldn’t talk to us. I mean, just imagine it! Putting on airs like that and thinking you’re a somebody when you don’t even have a mum or dad! So then Clarissa – that’s me and Morgana’s friend – called her a chimney sweep and, dear Lord! Do you know what she did? She punched Clarissa in the mouth. Unbelievable! So of course we had to report her. It was for her own good, wasn’t it? That’s when she made the allegations.’
‘What allegations?’
‘Well … you know!’
‘About the Dean?’
‘She was a lying bitch.’
‘What did he do? Make a pass at her?’
‘Not only him, quite a few of them. Men! I don’t know. See a girl in a short skirt and they can’t control themselves, worse than goats, aren’t they? But it wasn’t true of course.’
‘Oh of course.’
‘No really!’
‘How do you know?’
She rolled her eyes as if the answer was obvious. ‘Oh come on, Dean Morgan wasn’t like that!’
‘So you keep saying. What did this girl look like?’
‘Oh I don’t know. Tall I suppose, with long blonde hair, and … and …’
She sniffed. ‘She might have been, I suppose, in a cheap, slatternly sort of way –’
‘Very pretty? Sexy even?’
‘Some people said so but I could never see it myself.’
‘But she wore a short skirt?’
‘How do I know what she wore! I can’t remember.’
‘You just told me she did.’
‘No I didn’t.’
‘OK, forget it, what was her figure like?’
She flushed. ‘Oh please!’
‘Come on, you’re a grown-up, aren’t you? Tell me what she was like!’
‘But … but I don’t … how am I supposed …’
‘She had a figure like an hour-glass, didn’t she?’
‘See, you’re just like all the rest, typical!’
‘All the rest of what?’
‘Men.’
‘Which men? The ones at the college?’
She didn’t answer.
‘Look you might as well tell me, I’ll find out anyway. She was blonde and cute and had curves in all the right places, yes? And she was a bit wild and all those dusty pieces of human parchment at Lampeter in their silly black hats drooled like dogs at a butcher’s window whenever she appeared, isn’t that right?’
Gretel banged her fist on the desk. ‘No it wasn’t like that! It wasn’t, it wasn’t!’
‘And all the rest of you girls were jealous and so you ganged up on her –’
‘No! We didn’t! She was a horrid, low-class orphan and she had to leave and we all said good riddance!’ And with that, Gretel stormed out.
* * *
About half an hour after Gretel left for her haunting tutorial the Philanthropist’s butler turned up. I was sitting staring at the ceiling doing a rough piece of mental arithmetic – it’s an exercise I frequently do with my clients and involves guessing certain building dimensions then working out the approximate size of the client’s belfry and then computing the amount of bats in it. Then I put clients in order of bat population. Gretel had just gone straight into the charts at number one.
The butler wore an old-fashioned coat, a bit like the ones worn by the Beefeaters in the Tower of London but black in colour as opposed to red. He also wore a stubby top-hat like a sawn-off stovepipe. He had mutton-chop whiskers, reading specs perpetually in his hands, a face that managed to be intelligent, obsequious and calculating all at the same time, and he spoke with an artificial plum in his mouth in a language that was vaguely reminiscent of Jeeves and yet which couldn’t quite disguise, for all the exaggerated English country manor of it, his Welsh origins. If I’d ordered a Welsh butler straight from a catalogue he would have been it.
We shook hands and he told me he represented the Philanthropist who had recently purchased the old sanatorium and he had come on an errand on his behalf. I offered him some rum and he accepted and I duly filled up two glasses.
‘The Philanthropist is a great collector of various things – ornaments, antiques, knick-knacks and memorabilia …’
‘How charming.’
‘Indeed. In particular he is an avid collector of all sorts of memorabilia concerning a certain nightclub singer, one known to you, I’m sure. Myfanwy Montez.’
I managed to keep almost all trace of a reaction at bay but there was the slight narrowing of the eyelids and the tightening of my grip upon the rum tumbler. I don’t know which one he noticed. It hardly mattered.
His voice had a wheedling, insinuating tone that I took exception to. ‘Yes I see the name is not without an effect on you.’
‘What do you want?’
‘My master has bought up a lot of the usual stuff on the market. Signed record covers, posters, programmes, evening gowns, etcetera. But he finds his hunger undiminished. He is looking for something more intimate and personal, evidence of the private Myfanwy rather than the public persona. It is known that you had an affair with her …’
I stood up and walked around the desk and took hold of his glass and pulled it out of his hand.
‘Don’t get me wrong, Mister Knight –’
‘I’m getting you wrong so loud it’s making my ears hurt.’
‘The Philanthropist would pay handsomely. Perhaps an item of clothing left behind such as a T-shirt or a sock … or even something more evocative … shall we say, moist and intensely fragrant –’
I grabbed his coat collar and dragged him upwards from his chair offering him the choice of leaving under his own steam or under mine. He chose his own, but I gave him some help from my foot anyway.
Ten minutes later Bill and Ben turned up. It was a busy afternoon. All I needed now was a new client and I’d have full house. They’d brought me a Quietus witness form to sign.
‘OK,’ I said, ‘you know what the deal is. Tell me about the Dean.’
The two old men swapped glances and then Bill spoke, ‘If we tell you, you sign the form, right?’
‘If I like what you tell me.’
They looked confused. ‘But you saw it, you saw the Quietus!’
‘Some days I think I saw it, some days I think it was just the wind whistling, amigo. Which day it is today is up to you, but get on with it, I’m bored of talking to you.’ They both drew themselves up and said defiantly, ‘He went to join the Johnnys.’
‘He did what?’
‘He went to be a Johnny – a Clown’s Johnny,’ explained Ben.
‘He wanted to join the circus, you see.’
‘Just like them all. They all want to do that. We see them, don’t we?’
Bill nodded. ‘All the time. Everyone wants to be a lion tamer.’
‘Or walk a tightrope.’
‘Or eat fire.’
‘Or even just balance balls on the sea-lion’s nose.’
‘But all they get to do is be the lousy Johnny.’
‘But of course, what they don’t realise is, there’s only one way into the circus …’
‘Oh yeah, and what’s that?’
They hesitated. Some strange force was holding them back.
‘Go on! What is it?’
‘We can’t say.’
‘You want the prize for reporting the Quietus, don’t you?’
‘Of course we do, but we can’t say, it’s rude!’
‘OK, suit yourselves. I’ve got three other ventriloquists coming round later on. I’ll sign their Quietus forms instead.’
Bill leaped up and shouted, ‘No! You big swine! We got there first!’
‘So what’s the only way of getting into the circus?’
‘OK then, you asked for it,’ said Bill. ‘It’s … it’s … it’s through a lady’s thingummy!’
‘A lady’s thingummy?’
‘We don’t know the proper name,’ said Ben. ‘It’s Latin.’
I took out my pen and signed the form.