APRIL 1943
THE SECOND CHANCE to practise never came. In fact, crazy as it sounds, months went by and we almost forgot about me hiding in the dresser. The news about raids and people being taken away pretty much stopped during this time. Apparently, local people and government officials had started to complain about the disappearance of Jewish doctors, lawyers and business people. In the face of these complaints, the campaign of persecution slowed down for a period of time. That’s not to say that the restrictions and discrimination ended. We were still not allowed to go to school, food was still hard to come by and looting was still a regular occurrence.
Occasionally, Mamma would say I should practise hiding in the dresser again. She even suggested having someone come over to see if there was a way to create air holes in the back, so I could breathe better inside. But every time she mentioned anything like that, I managed to distract her and change the topic. It was almost as if we had convinced ourselves that the problems were over and that life would soon return to normal. In fact, our lives did slip into a kind of routine, in spite of everything happening around us. So it came as an even bigger shock when the nightmare suddenly arrived.
I was alone at home, playing with the kitten in the front yard. Mamma had gone to Marishka’s house to see if she could find any clothing for us. Marishka’s family had left a week earlier, taking only enough clothes and belongings to make the journey overseas to America. They had left everything else behind.
It had taken them a long time for them to gather the necessary travel papers. The longer Marishka remained in our village, the more I tried to convince myself that she might not go. But finally the day had come for her departure. I tried telling her that her family was crazy to leave. But who was I to think I could change her mind? In the end, we vowed that somehow we would see each other again in the future.
Before saying goodbye, Marishka’s mother had made us promise to go through the house and take whatever we needed. Mamma had left early in the morning and, though she always worried when she left me alone, I had assured her that I would be fine.
The kitten was chasing butterflies as usual, and I laughed each time she leapt in the air, trying in vain to capture just one unsuspecting creature. I was so involved in my play that I barely heard Mamma’s voice calling in the distance.
“Gabi! The soldiers! The trucks! They’re coming now! Run and hide!” I turned to see Mamma rushing up the path to the house, fear and panic etched in her face. At first I didn’t understand what she was saying. Was this a joke? Was she pretending so that I would be forced to practise hiding again? Then I thought that maybe she had hurt herself, or something had happened to someone else. As she reached the house and shouted again, I realized that this was the real thing. The danger we had been dreading was on our doorstep.
“Gabi! No time to lose. You must hide in the dresser.”
The full impact of what she was saying began to sink in, and for a moment I couldn’t move. I felt as if my legs were glued to the ground, and I thought crazily that the soldiers were going to find me there, stuck, unable to get away. I shook my head in a daze. Hide, I thought. I’ve got to hide. I reached for the kitten, but Mamma pulled my arms away.
“No, Gabi. There’s no time for the kitten. Leave her here.” She grabbed my hand and yanked me towards the house. Together we headed for the dining room and ran to the dresser. Mamma got there first and opened the door, motioning me to climb inside. I hesitated for a moment, peering into the darkness, remembering the disastrous practice a few months earlier.
My first thought was that I couldn’t do it. My body stiffened as I remembered how dark and cramped the dresser had been. Beads of sweat broke out on my forehead and upper lip as I recalled how hot and crushed I had felt. Shaking with fear, I wondered if I was going to faint. How could I possibly climb inside the dresser and stay there?
But I had no choice. This was my only chance for safety. At any minute the soldiers would burst through the door, and once they arrived, there would be no hope for me. I was certain to be taken away. My choice was to face the soldiers or face the darkness.
“Hurry, hurry!” Mamma shouted again. “Inside, and not a sound.” I had never seen her so frightened. Taking a deep breath, I bent my head and crawled into the dresser. As I settled into the darkness, Mamma quickly closed the door behind me. I heard the sound of the key turning in the lock. I shut my eyes tightly, held my breath and tried to control the rapid beating of my heart.
The dresser felt even worse than the last time. Why hadn’t we thought of putting a pillow in here, or something else soft for me to hold onto? There was nothing here except wood and nails. I hugged my body for comfort, but it wasn’t enough. I thought to myself, if I scream, Mamma will come and get me. She’ll open the door and hold me. I needed air but there wasn’t any. Maybe if I opened the door for just a minute, and took a deep breath and then closed the door again, I would feel better. What was I thinking of? This jumble of thoughts was crazy. I knew I couldn’t do anything. The soldiers were coming and I had to stay put.
It wasn’t long before I heard a muffled pounding at the front door of our house. Harsh, deep voices were talking but I couldn’t make out the words. Occasionally the voices grew louder, mixed with the sound of Mamma saying something I couldn’t understand. I thought I heard someone say “girl” and then “search,” but I couldn’t be sure. It sounded as if a lot of people were in the house. I could hear cupboard doors opening and closing. Every now and then I thought I heard a crash, as if something had broken.
My eyes were still closed, my ears straining to make sense of the sounds outside. My heart was beating so loud and fast that I thought it was going to come right out through my chest. What if someone outside heard? My breathing was quick and shallow as I gulped in tiny mouthfuls of air. I knew that if I didn’t slow down my breathing, I was in danger of passing out. Sweat was pouring from my upper lip and forehead. I’ve got to relax, I thought hopelessly, as I buried my head deep in my chest.
I was frantically worried about Mamma and her safety. What would the soldiers do if they didn’t find me? Would they take her instead? Would they hurt her? Then, as I heard voices moving closer to the dresser, I panicked and thought they had found me. What would the soldiers do once they got their hands on me? I knew I would be taken away, but where? Would I be harmed? Would I ever see Mamma again? Each minute felt like a lifetime. It was unbearable to be inside the dresser, and even more unbearable not to know what was happening outside. I hugged my knees closer to my chest and prayed this ordeal would end soon.
Suddenly, I heard something at the door of the dresser. What was that noise? It sounded like sandpaper rubbing against the wood, or some kind of scratching. The soldiers hadn’t left yet, so I knew it wasn’t Mamma coming to free me. Was it a soldier? Had I been discovered? Maybe Mamma had been right after all, the dresser was too obvious a place to hide. I waited a moment, thinking the door would open, but it didn’t. Yet the scratching continued. And then I heard a faint mew and I knew what it was. Mashka! The kitten must have seen me crawl into the dresser, and now she was coming to sniff me out! For one second I forgot my panic and nearly laughed out loud at the craziness of it all. Here I was, thinking that soldiers were about to break into the dresser to find me, when in fact my own little kitten was about to betray me, by scratching and mewing at the door. What a ridiculous way to be discovered!
The moment of humour didn’t last long. Within seconds, the sound of Mashka’s scratching was replaced by the clumping of boots moving closer and closer. Now I knew my time was up. At any moment they would demand that Mamma open the dresser door. The wave of panic returned full force, and I clenched my fists to my face, biting hard on my hand to stop from screaming out loud. I closed my eyes again and prayed silently for my safety.
And then, in the darkness of my hiding place, I became aware of something close to me. At first I felt something warm, as if strong arms were reaching out to surround me. I opened my eyes and peered into the murky shadows. I couldn’t see a thing, but I still felt something there. As I turned my head to the left and right I sensed it again and again. I couldn’t quite describe the feeling. Was it a smell? Like shaving lotion? No, perhaps the faint odour of a pipe. It was achingly familiar, and it filled the corners of the dresser until I finally realized what it was. Papa! His smell, his smile. Outside the dresser, the shuffling and pounding of the soldiers’ search continued. But inside the dresser I felt the warmth of Papa’s gaze on my face, and slowly I felt my body begin to relax. The rapid beating of my heart slowed down. My breathing became quieter and more even. My fears began to disappear. It was as if Papa were there with me, to protect me as he had done when he was alive. I heard him speak, and I listened to his comforting voice:
I will shelter you from harm,
You must have no fear,
You’ll be safe, my precious child,
You’ll be safe, my dear.
Over and over I heard Papa’s voice repeating the poem. And each time I heard the poem, and each time I saw Papa’s smile, I felt myself grow calmer and calmer. The voices outside the dresser were now just a muffled hum in the distance. The darkness around me no longer felt cold. The wooden floor of the dresser seemed to cushion me. I felt warm and protected. I knew I would be safe.