THERE WASN’T ANY question, Steve decided as he watched Crabtree greet Mitch and Sam—Crabtree was in the lifestyle. The tell was there, a subtle vein running through the man and everything he did. As Steve studied the way Crabtree dealt with his physical limitations and how he maneuvered others, another suspicion grew in Steve’s mind. He began to think not only did Crabtree actively practice, he might be a sadist too.
For as much as Sam seemed wary of Crabtree, Crabtree exhibited gentleness with the young man beyond what Randy gave him—and while Crabtree delighted in making Mitch squirm, he respected the bond between Sam and Mitch and never so much as taunted it. He regarded Chenco from a distance when he saw his initial overtures were met with wariness.
Crabtree also watched Booker.
“What’s this you’re working on?” Crabtree asked, sidling up to Chenco and Booker’s table.
“New act.” Booker pointed to the plans. “We’ve about got this blocked. A few days of practice, and we’ll nail this bitch.”
Chenco pursed his lips, looking slightly haggard. Crabtree regarded the plans, absently toying with the top of his cane. “This is the drag show?”
“This is Caramela’s show.” Booker nudged Chenco with his elbow. “Best fucking drag act in the RGV.”
“Well.” Crabtree smiled at Chenco, the gesture almost as gentle as the one he saved for Sam. “I look forward to seeing it. When’s the next performance?”
Chenco started to answer, but Booker cut him off.
“There’s another one at Club 33 at the end of April, but this is what I’m trying to tell him—I could get a show lined up for spring break—”
“Chenco?” It was impressive, the way Crabtree cut Booker off with a hard edge but gave Chenco a lot of soft space, all in the one word. “Will you be performing anywhere anytime soon? Perhaps in a more private performance, if a public one isn’t in your lineup right now?”
Chenco glanced at Steve, looking for reassurance to speak his mind, and Steve nodded. Yes. It’s okay.
“Well,” Chenco began, “the thing is, I’m trying to save up. I want to perform big, but I want to be ready, and I want to do it up right, so I need the money.”
“If you’d let me book these gigs, you’d have—”
“Booker.” The edge in Crabtree’s tone was much more pronounced and yet still veiled, a knife pushed discreetly into one’s back. “Kindly let Chenco finish.”
“I just…” Booker stopped, caught up in Crabtree’s terrible stare.
Crabtree returned his focus to Chenco, gentle once more. “What is your goal, young man? For what are you saving your pennies? I would love to hear all about it.”
Chenco relaxed a fraction. “I want to take the show on the road, but not until I have better legs under me.”
“And Filthy Divas,” Booker interjected, grinning, though he faded at a hard look from Crabtree.
Chenco shot a don’t start look at Booker. “Maybe I’ll do a show like Filthy Divas, maybe not. Whatever I do, I need a little bigger name first. I’ll go to South Padre and Austin, but I have to be ready. I won’t go when it’s not the right time.”
Crabtree nodded sagely. “How long have you been performing drag?”
“Well, I got interested when I was sixteen, and as soon as I moved out on my own I started collecting costumes and makeup and hair, but I was twenty-one before I went onstage. So I’m heading into my fourth year now. I’ve only done regular shows for six months.”
Booker looked as if he wanted to say something, but he swallowed and studied Crabtree carefully instead.
Crabtree didn’t give Booker a chance to speak. “You’re deliberate in your choices. Very admirable.”
It warmed Steve’s heart to see Chenco smile as he did, but it thumped an extra beat of pride as Chenco said, “Thank you, sir.”
Though Crabtree didn’t move, he might as well have run a hand over Chenco’s head, the way he looked at him. Then the gangster turned to Booker. “And you, boy? What are your goals in this venture?”
This was actually fun, watching Booker try to figure out how to behave around Crabtree. He wanted to sass, but even a headcase like Booker could read the writing on the wall that was Crabtree. From the other side of the room, Steve saw Randy watching the show too, biting back a cheeky grin.
Booker cleared his throat and did a kind of submissive head bob as he replied. “I want to make Caramela big. Bigger than anybody else. I like making her shine. You have to see her. She’s fucking amazing. The best. I go on stage with her sometimes, but it’s all for her. Caramela is my queen.”
Chenco listened to this quietly, clearly hearing this level of devotion for the first time. He leaned over and bussed Booker on the cheek.
Booker said nothing, didn’t look him in the eye, but he put a hand on Chenco’s leg and squeezed before returning to a kind of slumped parade rest. He also cast another glance at Crabtree.
The gangster’s focus returned to their layouts and schematics. “What holds you back is finances? Or do you not feel the show is ready?”
“It’s mostly finances,” Chenco said after a small hesitation. “I’ll admit, I get a little fussy wanting things to be just so, but Book’s right. We’re there.” He sighed and brushed his hand over the pages. “It’s going to be clunky at first, no question. I’ll do it someday—but it really is about having the money right first, about being ready.”
“Proper financing is very important.” Crabtree reached into his jacket pocket, pulled out a fine leather wallet and peeled out several hundred-dollar bills. “Consider this my donation to a good cause. If this pushes you over to being able to put on this South Padre show, then I shall be in the front row. If I like what I see, you can consider me an official sponsor.”
Chenco gaped, and Booker’s head jerked up to track Crabtree as he leisurely strode away.
The gangster slowed in his already sedate pace as he neared Steve, glancing at Booker before he spoke. “The boy belong to anyone?”
“To a shit wannabe. I’ve been keeping an eye on him while others sort the other end, but it’s not going so well.”
Crabtree’s eyes narrowed, and then he nodded. “I’ll help you in your shepherding. I don’t think it will take, but I won’t have him bothering your boy. Randy is correct. Crescencio is a treasure.”
“I’d be very grateful for your help, sir. Thank you.”
Crabtree ambled to the kitchen counter, where he stopped and examined fruit in a bowl. Waiting, Steve knew, for Booker to come over and thank him, engage with him. He only had to linger a minute.
Steve watched Crabtree work Booker—subtle, distant, feeling him out, but not only did he seem to expertly unpack and identify the damaged sub, he began, without prompting, without so much as a clarification for permission, to repair him.
It was all how he spoke to the young man. How he positioned his body as they conversed, how he commanded Booker to obsequiousness, how when Booker tried to sass him as he did Steve, Crabtree redirected him with only a narrowing of his eyes and a quiet threat of violence so sharp it was a blade in its own right. He succeeded where Steve and the others had failed because he used the threat, made it clear he played well beyond the edge, offering something twisted enough to catch Booker’s equally messed-up interest.
Crabtree played the boy like an instrument, but not out of spite or malice or even glee. He played the boy because the boy so desperately needed to be played. He played Booker because it was what Crabtree did best.
A new light flared inside Steve’s darkness, a lantern not threatening to burn down his world but possibly illuminating the way to rise from the ashes. Maybe Crabtree could help another messed-up man in Steve’s life.
Steve stole a glance at Randy, saw the gambler’s slow, patient smile. Randy had seen it too, and he wasn’t in the least bit surprised.
Stacking the deck.
For the first time in a long, long time, Steve began to hope.
WHILE CHENCO STILL wasn’t entirely certain about Randy, his husband Ethan was quickly a favorite.
Ethan was cool, smooth, and easy to look at. He wore suits a lot, which was weird, but hot—literally hot, with the heat wave hitting the RGV. Ethan said Vegas was worse most days.
Ethan ran a casino he’d won in a card game—how the fuck did you top that in the game of life? He had a quietness about him Chenco appreciated too, something probably essential for survival when dealing with Randy. Chenco’s favorite trait about Ethan was the way he calmed his husband without doing anything at all, just by being present. With Ethan around, Randy was less like a loose ball bearing and more of a paddle ball on a string. Ethan clearly held the paddle.
Something about their relationship caught Chenco’s attention, but he couldn’t figure out what it was. Maybe Chenco was too new at the BDSM thing and wanted to label everyone top and bottom, but he couldn’t quite work them out. If he had to pin them down, he’d call Randy the sub and Ethan the Dom, but only sometimes. Every now and again, when they weren’t aware you were looking, they flipped. When Chenco studied them in public, he could sometimes catch Randy shoring up his husband or making a place for him in a strange situation. It was a complicated dance, and Chenco found he enjoyed it.
He enjoyed Ethan on his own merit, in part due to his subtle approach. Chenco kind of wanted to follow him around like a puppy—not for sex, but because Ethan made him feel even and okay. He talked with Chenco in such a quiet, easy way, giving him space to work things out.
Such as whether or not he should do the South Padre gig. Chenco asked Ethan if he owed Crabtree now. Ethan said no, not exactly, but he pointed out Crabtree didn’t do such things lightly, so if this truly did mean the difference between no and yes, perhaps he should consider letting things move forward. Ethan had nudged him into letting his new family help him prep too—Randy took Booker to get the lighting set up, and Mitch had been offended Chenco hadn’t asked him earlier to find a small truck to haul all Caramela’s shit to the site.
When Chenco confessed to Ethan he was nervous to approach the owner, how sometimes Booker had bad judgments about contacts, Ethan offered to vet the man himself.
This was how Chenco found himself sliding sideways into the spring break show, taking Caramela to a bigger stage. He wasn’t sure why it made him feel so panicked. One night, as he sat snuggled against Steve in Caramela’s room listening to music, he confessed how he felt. Steve hadn’t had any trouble understanding.
“It makes you feel panicked because you’re taking a step forward. You’ve already been kicked out of your nest twice, and you’ve been flapping around, but now you’re going to try to actually fly. It would be odd if you weren’t nervous.”
Chenco wanted to fake it, to buck up and be self-assured, but he didn’t have it in him, especially with the next thing brought up. That morning Chenco had gone to his post office box and found the notice from the lawyer letting him know the trailer now belonged to the Ku Klux Klan. Chenco was officially homeless.
When he told Steve, his boyfriend said nothing, only pulled Chenco onto his lap, tucked Chenco’s head into his shoulder, and began to pet his hair.
It felt good, but worry clawed at Chenco, fears formerly lurking in the dark working their way to the surface. He didn’t lift his head, but he still tensed a little as he asked, “How long is it okay, really, for me to stay here?”
“I don’t have any specific timeline in mind. I suspect you’ll soon—” He broke off, pausing in his strokes on Chenco’s hair. When he started up again, his voice had a careful quality about it. “Let’s just say, things are fluid for you right now, and I understand. I can’t give you any guarantees on what will happen, but I’ll give you my word—if things don’t work out with us, I’ll never throw you out. If I had to ask you to leave, I’d work with you and give you time.”
“Okay. Thanks.” He shut his eyes, soaking in safety, feeling secure enough to add, “I love how you explain things so clearly and honestly. I don’t feel like you’d ever lie to me. Even if what you had to tell me was grim, you wouldn’t lie.”
“I wouldn’t, no.” Steve’s hand trailed down Chenco’s back and began to rub in gentle, drugging circles. “You’ve had it rough a long while. Take your time to make sure you feel safe, but don’t stop yourself from letting go with those you can tell care about you. Those people would be Mitch and the boys.”
“But they barely know me.”
“The blood tie counts for a lot. You fill in a piece missing for your brother by doing nothing at all. But you’re making connections with him now too, all on your own merit. You have a new family now.”
Does this include you? Chenco didn’t ask. Instead he let himself slide under the pleasure of Steve’s touch before lifting his face to brush a kiss across Steve’s cheek.
Steve kissed him back, tightened his grip on Chenco’s arm and led him to his bedroom.
Technically it was their bedroom now, Chenco supposed. He slept with Steve every night, in Steve’s room not the spare room, and every night they had sex. Sometimes it was rough and wild like the first time—okay, mostly it was rough and wild, though sometimes it was simply a hello, good to see you. Some nights it was more. Increasingly Steve brought toys into play, gloves with wicked little spikes pricking and teasing, unbelievably soft fur gloves arousing Chenco like nothing he knew how to describe. Always, always Steve came inside Chenco—more consistently than pain, this was the man’s kink, Chenco realized, coming inside his lover.
It was the vulnerability again, as if Steve couldn’t quite accept he was inside of Chenco unless he was inside Chenco, part of him remaining behind after. A few nights he had Chenco sleep with a plug, adding a new load inside Chenco’s ass in the morning. Sometimes Chenco thought Steve would keep him cream-filled all day every day if he could.
There seemed to be a steady arc, though, heading them deeper and deeper into heavy play, and tonight, the night Chenco officially lost the trailer, Steve brought in a flogger. He only used it lightly, sliding the leather tails across Chenco’s skin.
“I’m going to use this for real on you soon,” he promised.
He didn’t yet, though. That evening was like floating on a cloud, the massage Steve had begun out on the couch resuming on the bed. It led into sex, but it was, for them, almost sweet coupling, and afterward Chenco lay sprawled boneless atop Steve’s body. “God, you have amazing hands. You should have been a masseuse.”
“I have been, at least on an amateur level.” Steve trailed a lazy hand down Chenco’s spine. “A friend had a bad bike accident a few years ago, so I bought a table and gave him regular treatments.”
It was an innocent enough statement, but the idea of Steve giving him treatments of any kind made Chenco a little hard.
Steve shifted his leg to draw Chenco closer. “We could make it part of tomorrow’s playing.” He rubbed his beard against the top of Chenco’s head. “I’d already been planning to take you into the playroom, if you were ready. We could make it the warm-up.”
Chenco nuzzled Steve’s chest. “I’m ready, Papi.”
The gentle massage slid down to Chenco’s hip, making goose bumps break out across his flesh. “I could strip you naked and give you a nice, slow, sensual massage.” He bent down to whisper in Chenco’s ear. “Then, when you were all relaxed, I’d strap you to a bench and flog you until you screamed.”
The goose bumps across Chenco’s skin turned electric as he gasped and buried his face deeper into Steve.
“Would you like that?” Steve pressed.
Chenco wasn’t sure. He wanted to try, but the idea of someone deliberately striking him—striking him—until he cried out in pain wasn’t yet something he associated with fun times.
The hand on his hip stilled. “Chenco?”
Taking a deep breath, Chenco placed a kiss on Steve’s erect nipple. “Yes. I would.” He ran his hand down Steve’s arm. “I think maybe I need to work up to it.”
He worried he’d wrecked the mood, but if anything, it made Steve relax, and in the end Chenco was very glad he’d asked to go slowly. Over the next few days more and more toys made it into their play—the floggers came regularly, never used very hard, but always there, a third party in the bed. They started using restraints too, at first in the bed, and then in the playroom itself. It was just a regular room, except it had several interesting tables and benches and a closet full of various BDSM implements, carefully cleaned and stowed. Steve gave Chenco a tour of them all.
Nothing was quite as delicious to Chenco as those sweet, beautiful floggers, even though he still feared them. Some of it was because he knew Steve would be using them on him, some because they really were pretty. Even when they weren’t playing, simply thinking of them made Chenco hum.
It seemed to please Steve to see how much Chenco enjoyed his toys. “You should try to swing one a few times, get a feel for what they’re like from the other end.”
Chenco flushed with excitement at the idea. “Really? I can do that?”
“Of course you can. Here. I’ll show you how to hit with them too.”
It was a fun game all in itself, being taught how to wield a flogger. It wasn’t, it turned out, as easy as hauling one’s arm back and whacking. Steve instructed him how to use the proper muscles, how to pace himself, how to control the weight of the falls. They practiced at a padded support beam in the playroom, but Steve explained how it would feel against real flesh too, and eventually he had Chenco slap himself on his thigh. A few times Steve had him strike his own leg too, and Steve’s jean-clad ass.
The idea of striking Steve sent a wicked thrill through Chenco, but it also made him self-conscious. “That doesn’t hurt?”
“Oh, a little. But these are love taps. Not like the real thing yet.”
Chenco had thought there was plenty of sting in the blows Steve had given him, and some of his test slaps had been quite uncomfortable. “How hard is the real thing?”
In answer, Steve had picked up a flogger, hauled back his arm, and whaled on the post with enough force to make it shudder.
Dropping the implement in his own hand, Chenco stepped back, eyes wide. That had been intense. Was this how Steve would hit him?
Of course it was. It was what he’d asked to see.
It was awfully intense.
Steve’s hand came to rest on Chenco’s shoulder, making him jump. “You okay, baby?”
Chenco didn’t trust himself to speak, so he waited a minute. “That would hurt.”
“That’s the point.”
It was, wasn’t it? Jesus, suddenly it all seemed so serious.
They hadn’t done anything more during the session, which made Chenco feel like a failure. He sulked all through work that night. When he got home at eleven, Sam was in Steve’s room, waiting for him.
“Hey.” He smiled nervously. “So, um, this is awkward, but I’ve been sent to talk to you about the flogging thing.”
“Steve sent you?” Jesus, how badly had he messed this up?
“No—not Steve. Randy.” Sam gave a helpless shrug. “He might be talking shit, but he says he’s been watching you, and he thinks you’re nervous. He says he’d just scare you more, but he thought I should talk to you. So here I am, talking.”
Sam didn’t look like someone who wanted to talk. “You don’t have to do this.”
Now Sam looked annoyed. “So Randy’s full of shit? God, I’m gonna kill him.”
“Well…no, he’s not full of shit, not on this score. But you still don’t have to do this.”
“Oh?” Sam brightened. “Don’t worry about it. God, he was right? Damn. He’ll be smug as fuck. Okay.” He rubbed his hands together. “What do you want to talk about? What are you nervous about?”
Chenco sat across from Sam. “I don’t know. He showed me how hard he was going to hit me, and it freaked me out.”
“Yeah, I get it.” Sam tucked his feet underneath his body as he sat on the bed. “I don’t go for implements so much. I’d rather have a paddle than a flogger, but honestly, mostly I prefer a guy’s hand.”
“Hand?”
“Yeah. Spanking. It’s…kind of my thing. I like hands because you can feel the guy working you. I can tell if it’s Mitch or Randy or Ethan even when I’m blindfolded—” Sam cut himself off, his whole body blushing now. “Oh God. I hadn’t meant to tell you about that.”
Chenco had kind of figured there was something going on with Randy and Sam, the way the guy was always after Sam’s ass, but he hadn’t known all four of them were into each other. He didn’t want to make Sam feel awkward, though, especially when he was being so open to ease Chenco. “Don’t worry about it. I’m not judging here.”
“Yeah, well…I don’t want you to think I’m some kind of whore. Well—I am, I guess. But not a bad whore.” He rolled his eyes at himself and cleared his throat. “Anyway. I don’t think you need to be scared, not unless you’re going to be dumb and not tell Steve if you don’t like something.”
Here they were, at the heart of it all. “What if he wants to do something and I don’t?”
“Then you don’t.” Sam’s tone brooked no argument. “I get what you’re afraid of, but trust me, you don’t screw around here. He’d be a whole lot more upset with you if you let him do something you didn’t want than if you told him no. Here’s the thing it took me a while to truly understand—letting him do something to you isn’t proving you care for him. He wants to share this with you, not force it on you. And maybe there are some things you don’t want to try today but do in the future.”
“Have you ever told Mitch no?”
Sam hesitated. “Mitch seems to read my mind. Randy, I tell no to at least once a week. It’s kind of who we are. Mitch wants to protect me, and so does Randy, but Randy likes to challenge me.” He bit his lip. “Is it…is this okay how we’re talking about how I sleep with more guys than just your brother? He’s down with it, I swear.”
“It’s very okay.” Chenco smiled to show he meant it, but he didn’t wait long to go back to questioning Sam. “Have you ever been flogged? You said you didn’t like it, but…have you been?”
“Oh yeah. I’m better at doing it than I am taking it, though I’ve only ever done Randy.” He shifted his feet around on the bed. “You want to know how it feels. Obviously it hurts, but a lot of things do. I would say flogging hurts a lot like a spanking, but spankings have a different kind of force, plus there’s so much about shame with a spanking—which is why I enjoy it. Flogging is about enduring. I never cared for it because I feel too disconnected. Randy loves it. He loves to be whaled on, and he loves to whale back. He says he wants the challenge of it, like he’s duking it out with the pain.”
Chenco considered this. “I think what I’m most nervous about is Steve wants to do it until I break down. I can’t duke it out. He’s going to make me lose.”
“Oh, Randy usually ends up swearing and screaming and sobbing by the end. He says it’s an emotional enema.” Sam shrugged. “I don’t play that fiddle. I like to float into subspace and hang out, let myself be a slut and nobody can look down on me for it. In fact, they tend to tell me I’m beautiful for doing it. There’s not a lot to let go of there.”
No, Sam wouldn’t have a lot to let go of, period. He’d heard Mitch call Sam Sunshine, and he didn’t have to ask why.
“Anyway.” Sam slid to the edge of the bed. “That’s about it. Don’t do something you don’t want to. If you’re not ready, say so. Steve hasn’t dated in forever as far as I understand, so you’re special. He’ll wait for you. What he won’t do is put up with someone who won’t tell him the truth about when they’re ready.”
“I think I am ready.” Chenco rubbed his arms as he leaned against the wall by the door. “I mean, we’ve done plenty. But I can tell he’s been holding back. At this point I’m scared, but I want to take it to the next level. If it’s too far, I have to try it to find out.”
“Then tell him so.”
Chenco promised he would.
CHENCO DIDN’T SAY anything right away because he wanted to be sure. It wasn’t until a week before the South Padre show, while he and Steve sat out on the patio. Steve commented on how tense he looked, how he thought Chenco needed a release. That was when Chenco realized an emotional enema was exactly what he wanted.
He turned to Steve, looked him in the eye. “When we play tonight, could we…would you flog me? For real?”
Steve’s eyes lit with delight, but his reply was measured. “You mean you want me to flog you until you break down, until you cry?”
“Yes.” Chenco was nervous, but he didn’t falter. “It’s what I want. In fact, I think it might be what I need right now.”
Smiling, Steve brushed a kiss across Chenco’s forehead. “You’ll tell me when it’s too much.” It wasn’t a question.
Chenco nodded.
Taking Chenco by the hand, Steve led him through the main floor and down the hall to the master bedroom suite. The hacienda wasn’t some modern remake but the real deal, full of nooks and hallways and chunky add-ons. It had a second floor, but not much of one—it seemed to have been where the children were stowed back in the day. Now it was full of guests, Sam and Mitch in one room, Ethan and Randy in another, Crabtree at the end of the hall.
Steve’s bedroom was on the main floor, past the great room and kitchen and dining room, down its own hallway and spilling out behind the garage. It was a suite, not just one room—Steve’s bed was in the first space and the room beyond it was the playroom. The playroom, however, could also be accessed from the garage.
Tonight Steve led Chenco through to the playroom, but he didn’t order him to his knees. “We’ll start with a full massage, on the table and everything, like I told you about.” At a cabinet, he picked up a jar of oil and offered it to Chenco, indicating he should sniff. The oil smelled faintly of eucalyptus or spearmint. Maybe both.
“Nice,” Chenco offered.
Steve set the oil on a shelf and went to a closet behind the St. Andrew’s cross, digging inside before returning bearing a folded blue massage table. With deft motions, he assembled it, tested it, and nodded at Chenco.
“Strip and climb on, facedown first.”
He went back to the closet and came out with a set of sheets as Chenco complied with the order. A fitted one went on the main table, a special small thing covered the face rest, and a flat sheet went over it all, followed by a thin white cotton blanket before Steve tucked the whole business away. The freshly made massage bed looked so inviting and cozy, Chenco got undressed faster.
“Have you ever had a massage before, like this?” Steve asked as Chenco climbed coltishly aboard.
“No,” Chenco confessed. “It always sounded nice though.”
Steve directed him into place, making sure the headrest was comfortable, tucking him beneath the blanket. “The general result of this is going to be increased blood flow and a more direct release of toxins. Given we intend to add pain play to this scene, I’m going to make sure you drink a lot of water, stick to your usual healthy diet, and rest. Serious aftercare is coming your way. If you try and skip any of it, I’m going to get very bitchy.”
“Yes, sir. I mean, I’ll do as you say.” Chenco was glad his face was buried because it meant he could smile and have whatever ridiculous expression he wanted. He loved aftercare. It was when Steve held him and coddled him and petted him and told him how strong and brave he was. Even when their scenes weren’t super intense, Steve always loved him up afterwards. The idea he’d be getting more aftercare made Chenco more eager to please Steve, to make him proud, and he vowed to take all the pain he could, to give him all the noises and sobs he craved.
Noises turned out not to be any kind of a problem. As soon as Steve put his oily hands on Chenco’s body, Chenco started to moan.
“Oh my God, it feels so good.” Chenco’s eyes fell shut, his words slurred, and he felt himself sliding into headspace without so much as a whiff of pain.
“You’re very tense,” Steve said, and his tone made it clear he didn’t care for this state of affairs.
“I’m so nervous about the show.”
Steve’s thumbs slid along the line of his shoulders, forcing the muscles to relax. Chenco took a breath, let it out, and his body surrendered to Steve’s ministrations.
“You’re not nervous about the show. You’re nervous about what the show will mean, what it might change. You’re worried it won’t change anything or that it will change everything.” He moved his hands lower and kneaded insistently against Chenco’s shoulder blades. “Holding your tension in won’t keep you safe. You need to let it go.”
Let it go? How could he? What if he didn’t impress Crabtree? What if he did? Would he and Booker go on the road? Did he want to go? Would he have to leave Steve just as things were getting good?
Chenco drew in another breath, but this one couldn’t go as deeply since his nerves were up again. “It’s tough. I feel so vulnerable.”
“You are vulnerable. But being on guard makes it worse, not better. Let go.” He increased the pressure of his massage, so hard it edged toward the pleasure-pain barrier, making Chenco moan more. “Let go with your body. We’ll loosen it up first. Then we’ll take you over to the bench and free your mind as well.”
Chenco tried to let go with his mind right then too—his muscles couldn’t stand up to Steve’s manipulations, turning to limp noodles with every pass on his back, his legs, his arms. He’d half expected the massage to become a seduction—it was, but not in the way he’d anticipated. Steve lured Chenco’s body into relaxation, coaxing it, luring it then demanding it yield to him. If only Chenco’s mind would have come along for the ride.
All through the massage, Chenco did his best to stop thinking about the future, but it yawed before him like a terrible, sharp-toothed thing, ready to devour him if he went the wrong way. He worried about disappointing Mitch and Randy and Ethan and Sam, he worried about disappointing Crabtree and Booker—he ached at the idea of not being what Steve wanted him to be. There were so many ways to fail.
When Steve flipped him over to work his neck, Chenco tried to keep his face clear, not let his rabbit brain show in his expression. His body was loose, but his mind was a tougher sell. Steve sat him up and gave him a big glass of water, and Chenco was surprised to find an hour had gone by—and he was chagrined at how little progress he had made with his internal struggles.
Steve stood in front of Chenco, bare-chested, smiling wryly as he threaded his thick fingers through Chenco’s hair. “Quit yelling at yourself for not being able to shut off your head. That’s my job, to turn it off. I can tell already it’s going to be a hell of a scene, baby.”
Chenco leaned into Steve’s chest, opening his lips over those familiar muscles. “I’m scared.” His hands went to Steve’s waist, holding on. “Of the show. Of the scene. Of letting go. Of everything.”
The hand at the back of Chenco’s hair kneaded gently. “Scared of me?”
Chenco shook his head. “No. I’m not afraid of you.”
“Then forget everything but me. I’m the only thing that matters for the next twenty-four hours. You listen to me, you obey me, you please me. I’m canceling everything I have until this time tomorrow night, including a project for work. Everything is for you—if you’re willing to give everything else up for one spin of the sun. We have a deal?”
Chenco nodded and clutched at Steve’s waistband. A whole day with Steve, in submission, in freedom. “Yes, sir.”
“Excellent.” His hand slid to Chenco’s naked ass and pinched it. “Head to the cross. I’m going to strap you down and flog every last bit of nervousness right out of your head.”