THE LAP OF water against the dock soothed Kaylan’s anger. She’d avoided her family for the last few hours, something she’d never felt the need to do before. The very fabric she had depended on her whole life was unraveling. Her family thought she needed to be fixed, Sarah Beth was gone, and Nick . . . Nick was collaborating with her family. The home she had returned to no longer felt like home. The ones who could help the most remained in Haiti.
She wrapped her arms around herself and rocked back and forth on the edge of the dock. What she wouldn’t give to take the boat or Jet Ski out onto the lake, but everything was still winterized.
“Kaylan, can I speak with you?”
She whirled at Nick’s slow steps and deep voice. Her foot slipped and she swung her arms, attempting to regain her balance.
“Kaylan.” He dove for her and missed. Water enveloped her head, and the cold ripped through her body. Her leg twinged. Water wrapped around her, constricting her lungs, and she grew still. For a moment she wondered if this was how Sarah Beth felt as the ceiling rested on her chest and death encroached.
Another splash and bubbles surrounded her, the white foam lapping her hair. Strong arms locked around her waist, propelling her to the surface. Her head broke through, and she inhaled hard, recognizing an unfamiliar stinging in her lungs. Coughing consumed her. As air filled her lungs, the weight vanished.
“Why didn’t you swim?” Nick’s anger pushed hers to the surface.
“I was about to.”
“No, you weren’t. I had to jump in and get you. I thought you hit your head or something. But you were just content to stay down there. Why, Kaylan?” He yelled, and the sound brought her family from the house and onto the back porch.
“I don’t know, okay? You wouldn’t get it. Leave me alone, Nick.” Her teeth chattered. She shoved away from him and swam to the ladder, pulling herself out of the water. The cold air seeped through her wet clothes, and chills racked her body.
Micah ran onto the dock with two towels. What she really wanted was a hot shower and her sweats. The chill set into her bones, into her soul.
“What happened, sis?”
“Nick startled me, and I fell in.”
“Still doesn’t explain why you didn’t come up.” Nick’s voice remained checked, but his eyes roared with fire.
“What?” Micah looked from Kaylan to Nick and back again. “What’s he talking about? Did you hit something? Why didn’t you just swim?”
She grew tired of their questions. She didn’t need to be pampered, her every action or emotional nuance questioned. “Look here, you two, back off. You”—she pointed at Micah—“why would you go behind my back? Does the whole family think I’m crazy or beyond repair? I don’t want to talk to a shrink. Don’t you get it? I lost someone I loved like family. I need my family to love me, to support me, even when I push you away or you don’t get it. You can’t put a Band-Aid on this, Micah.” Her voice rose, but she no longer cared.
“And you.” She pointed at Nick. “You talk a big game, but when it comes down to it, you jump in with my family to ship me off to someone else. I need to trust you, Nick. I need you to hold me, walk me through this, and realize that you can’t even begin to understand the things in my head that I can’t unsee. You couldn’t possibly . . . ”
“Kaylan,” Nick cut her off. “You missed the majority of that conversation. Going to see a counselor was only an idea thrown out there if you wanted it. I get that you don’t want to talk to anyone right now. But eventually, you might. And there are great trauma counselors who know how to walk you through healing from this.”
Micah joined in. “Sis, we care too much about you to force you to do anything. We are here 100 percent, but you have to let us in. You’re right. We don’t understand it all.”
“But we want to,” Nick finished for Micah. “Please. Talk to us.” He stepped forward to hug her, but she sidestepped him.
“You don’t get it. You couldn’t. God doesn’t care about me, Nick. He doesn’t listen when I pray.”
“Kaylan, He never left you. He saved your life. Don’t forget that. He allowed you to live.”
“He left when Sarah Beth left. Why did He save me and not my friends, these sweet, innocent people I worked with? He saved me, and He saved Eliezer, but Sarah Beth died? I prayed all night. I begged. He doesn’t care.”
“Who’s Eliezer?”
Her heart raced. They couldn’t know about him. No, not now. She backed away from them. “It doesn’t matter. If the Lord’s in control, He chose to let my best friend die. A good, kind, innocent person who followed Him wholeheartedly.”
“Kayles . . . .”
Her teeth chattered, and her body convulsed with shivers. “I can’t talk about it. I just can’t. Not yet. I don’t . . . ” Stabbing pain replaced the anger. “Please, I’m sorry.”
She slipped past them and ran to the house. They were trying, but to let them in completely would mean to relive it. She already relived it in her dreams. She knew she was putting them in a hard place, but she couldn’t stop it. She wasn’t herself. She could see that, understood it, but she couldn’t regress back to her old self no matter how hard she tried to forget. Images from Haiti flashed in her head, devoid of color, dusty. Some things could not be explained in words. Some things should never have to be.