NICK WAS JEALOUS of a horse. It could share in her tears while she held Nick at arm’s length, fearful to let him close, hesitant to feel happy. He had watched Kaylan from the barn doorway as the tears finally fell, silent and steady. He’d watched her in the rearview mirror all the way back to the house, her face fallen and eyes red. And he’d followed her into the house and watched as she climbed the stairs and quietly shut her door. Yet he could do nothing.
He was a SEAL, trained to recognize the faintest nuance. He had patience to wait out an assailant, to act when necessary and at the opportune time, never to leave a man behind, but this woman had him completely stumped. A horse, really?
He wandered into the kitchen and fixed himself a sandwich for lunch. It was time for answers, time to understand what had happened. How could he help her cope with this? In a mission, if one of his brothers were injured or killed, or if he took someone’s life to defend one of his own, there was no other option except to push forward. Misplaced emotion meant dead frogmen, and he couldn’t live with that. It was kill or be killed—kill them, or allow them to kill Americans, and that was purely unacceptable. Adrenaline pulsed through him at the very thought.
But Kaylan wasn’t accustomed to pushing through. Her sister had fallen, and the Lord had allowed it. Nick had long ago ceased to ask God why things happened. He still wondered, still grew angry, but he had learned that the Lord was good in spite of his circumstances. Kaylan needed to see the Lord as her stronghold. But how could he help her see that?
The phone vibrated in his pocket. He picked up and recognized Senior Chief ’s voice on the line. “Carmichael, you and Richards get your butts back here and help your team get ready to go. We are outward bound and need all hands on deck.”
It was time to deploy. To where and for what were unknowns, but Nick and Micah had to help plan portions of the mission. That meant leaving Kaylan now, when everything was uncertain, when she needed him, and when he had promised her family he would stick around as long as he could.
“Yes, sir. We’ll make the arrangements.” Nick ended the call and sighed.
Now what, Lord?
Kaylan had crept into his heart. He no longer wondered if he was supposed to be in her life but how they could merge their lives into one. He wanted to protect her, fix everything for her. She leaned on him, counted on him to be there. It was only a matter of time before she actually talked to him about what had happened, but his departure would cut that progress short. It looked as though Seth would have to take over, after all.
Nick found Micah using Seth’s weight set in the garage. Seth stood nearby, spotting him.
“Hey, Seth, can I have a minute with Micah?”
“Sure.” He made sure Micah settled the bar and then left the room.
“Recall?”
“Tomorrow morning. Our flight leaves at nine.”
“Where to?”
“No idea. We’ll find out when we report.”
“All right, I’ll tell the fam and pack up.”
Nick paced the room. He was picking up Micah’s bad habits. He searched his pockets for a piece of gum and came up empty. “What am I going to tell Kaylan?”
Micah stilled on the bench.
“How do I leave when she needs me? She’s going to think it’s like last time.”
“You don’t have much choice, man. She’ll just have to understand.”
“Do you really think she will, right now? I mean, c’mon. Sarah Beth is gone. She comes home counting on us, even if she holds us at arm’s length, and now you and I are bailing on her when she needs us.”
Micah’s jaw clenched, and Nick could tell his temper was rising—whether at Nick or at himself, Nick wasn’t sure. He stood his ground.
“What do you want us to do, huh? We’re doing our job.”
“Look, Bulldog, chill out. I need your advice. How do I explain?”
“Figure it out. But I’ll tell you this . . . ” Micah stood toe to toe with Nick, and Nick recognized Micah’s anger as fear. He didn’t want to leave his sister and was worried about how it would affect her. “If you hurt her or make her for a second think that you’re leaving and aren’t coming back, I swear, we will have big problems.”
Nick took a step back, his own temper rising at Micah’s irrational mood swing. “I’m coming back. She’ll know that. I’m just not sure that’s how she’ll see it right now.”
“Well, you’d better make it clear that you aren’t abandoning her, Hawk.”
“I got it, Bulldog. Loud and clear.”
“Who are you abandoning?” Both turned to find Kaylan at the door, Seth right behind her. “What’s going on?”
“We can talk about it later, Kayles.”
“No, I want to talk now.”
Nick nodded. “Let’s go out to the lake, then.”
“Micah?”
“It’s okay, Kayles. Just go talk to him.” She looked between them for a minute before turning on her crutches.
Nick led her from the room. “What’s going on, Nick? What’s wrong? Micah looked mad.”
He remained silent and prayed the whole way out to the water and as they settled in deck chairs. He fought the urge to pace. Sunshine warmed his face despite the wind chill. The water moved in the gentle breeze and reflected the sunlight. It should have refreshed him; being by the water usually did. Yet this time was different. He already felt the separation, and this wasn’t how he wanted to tell her.
“Nick, please, I can’t handle any more bad news.”
“Kaylan, when you went to Haiti, I told you I would wait for you,” he began. The fear in her eyes made it difficult to continue. He grasped her hand, intertwining their fingers. “I came to get you. I stayed with you. But my boss called this afternoon, and he needs my help. I have to go. Micah and I leave tomorrow morning.”
Kaylan’s eyes went wild. “You’re leaving me? You can’t. You promised you wouldn’t. I need you. I can’t do this alone.”
In that moment Nick wondered if he had missed the mark completely. He wanted to rescue her, to wrap her in his arms and never let go, never let the world touch her. He had wanted to be her savior. He had attempted to fill shoes that were impossible to fill. It was time for him to go, to pray for her from afar, to do the job the Lord had called him to do, and allow the Lord to be her healer.
“Kayles, listen to me.” He gripped her hands and leaned forward, meeting her eyes. “Don’t for one second think I’m leaving you permanently. I’m going to do my job, and then I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
“You can’t leave me. You can’t!”
He stood and pulled her into his arms as she fought with all her strength. How would he get them through this?
“You’re doing it again. I need you. Don’t you get that? How can you?”
“It’s my job, Kaylan. I thought you understood. I thought we’d moved past this.”
“Why now?” She continued to push against him until he released her and grabbed her arms. “Let go.”
“No, I won’t let go. I want to be with you. Without a doubt. I won’t let go, Kaylan. You are too important. Do you hear me?” He shook her, and she stilled. “You are what I want, Kayles. More than the SEALs, more than my search for my parents. You, Kayles.” His eyes misted.
He rested his forehead on hers and wished he could kiss her. All that was in his heart poured out, his voice a husky whisper, and she unwillingly leaned into him like a magnet that couldn’t ignore the pull to its counterpart. “But I need to go. I have a duty, and more than anything, you need to turn back to the God who can heal. I can’t be your savior, Kayles. But I would give anything in my life to fix this.”
She froze and shoved hard, stumbling as he released her in shock. The tears that had pooled in her eyes solidified. She gritted her teeth.
“You can’t fix it, and clearly God doesn’t want to. I lived. Eliezer lived. Sarah Beth died. It’s not fair. Go, Nick. I don’t want you here. Go!” She turned and ran back into the house.
Nick turned to study the water. He was out of his element. There was something else going on, something deeper. He couldn’t leave things like this. Who was Eliezer? What else had happened in Haiti to turn Kaylan from depressed to bitter? He dug out his phone. He would find out now, today, before he left. Then he would talk to Kaylan again.
Scrolling through his list of contacts, he located the number for Rhonda’s clinic. He tapped the number on the screen, praying the phone line had been restored. To his astonishment, he was rewarded with the sound of a distant phone ringing.
Rhonda picked up. “Hope Clinic.” She sounded tired, harassed. Nick could only imagine what she had lived through—continued to live through—since the earthquake a few weeks before.
“Rhonda, I know you’re busy. Is Abe there? It’s urgent.” After a minute Abraham’s tenor voice greeted Nick, and Nick quickly explained the reason for his call.
Abraham’s thick accent rang in his ear. “Nick, I am sorry, but I cannot tell you what is wrong. You must talk to Kaylan about what happened.”
Nick groaned in frustration at Abraham’s suggestion. With his imminent departure, he had to speed up collecting information. The only way he knew how was to talk to those who had survived the earthquake with Kaylan.
“Abe, she won’t talk. She doesn’t laugh. She doesn’t cry. And who’s Eliezer? What happened with him? When she says his name she looks . . . ”
“Frightened?”
“Yeah. What reason would she have to be frightened?” Kaylan was probably in her room. He turned to look up at her window from where he stood in the driveway. Wind gently whistled through the trees and sent a shiver down his spine.
“Eliezer is the local voodoo priest, very rooted in the old ways. He detests believers and Americans and did not like Kaylan and Sarah Beth sharing Jesus. He got angry. Blamed her and our God for the earthquake and for Sarah Beth dying.” He tapered off, and Nick gripped the phone, straining to hear over the static. “I never thought she would believe him, but she has, has she not? That is why you are calling.”
Nick closed his eyes. “Yes, Abe. I think she believed him.”
“Nick, my people have experienced much heartache. This is bad, but we will overcome. All is not lost. People are broken and beaten, but people are coming to church, asking to know more of God. Stories pour in daily of those saved under the rubble. We are knocked down and shaken, but not defeated. We have hope. Please, tell Kaylan.”
“I’ll tell her. Pray it breaks through. I’m not sure she’ll believe me unless she sees it for herself.”
“Then let her see it. Let her help. Let her heal. She worked after the earthquake to save people. Maybe she should again. She has the heart of a warrior, the desire to deny herself and help others. You removed her from the only place she could fight how she felt. Tell her, Nick. Help her see she still has purpose. She lives. She is strong. There is still hope.”
“Thank you, Abe. I’m praying for you. Maybe I can talk Kaylan into going back to help in a few months.”
“All in good time, my friend.”
Nick hung up the phone, feeling the strangest mixture of hope and despair, like water and oil attempting to mix. They churned in his heart. He understood . . . but he didn’t. How could he encourage Kaylan to go back to the place where her world was shattered? Even if he could talk her into it, should he?
I know You never left her, Lord, but this seems pretty hopeless. You’ll have to make this very clear, because I won’t encourage her to go unless You tell me to.