KAYLAN SAT ALONE in the sunroom. She felt warmer—a subtle chill still remained, but it was an improvement from the cold that had permeated her bones like frost since coming home from Haiti. The family had gone back to bed after she reassured them that she was better and just wanted to stay up and watch the sunrise alone. Nick was somewhere in the house, probably showering and preparing to leave. She knew he was going to do his job, but she felt abandoned. She craved stability, and she wanted Nick as part of that, but his job didn’t allow it.
This was the first sunrise she had seen since her return home. She felt no joy, no new beginning, just loss. Dim light appeared over the tree line, but no color. She wished the darkness would remain a while longer. She wasn’t ready for the morning. She had cried and cried and cried. The release felt wonderful and awful, like a dam had finally burst but now wouldn’t stop gushing water. She didn’t want the physical reminder of her pain.
“Hey, beautiful, can I watch the sunrise with you?” Nick joined her on the wicker loveseat.
His warm, low voice infiltrated her nightmares. She had wanted to reach for it, but to leave the Haiti of her nightmares meant to leave Sarah Beth again. But, just like Stevenson and Abe, Nick had pulled her from the darkness kicking and screaming. She couldn’t escape the pain. Water could wash away blood, chase away nightmares, but it could never erase scars. Hers festered, still raw.
“Feel better?” He ran his hands through her wavy, wet hair, and she leaned into his open arm.
“I’m tired.”
“Go back to sleep.”
She let the silence settle. “I fell asleep. After the quake. I woke up and panicked. I had to wake Sarah Beth. I was scared she was already gone. Her hands felt like ice. I kept giving her water, wiping away the blood, but it kept coming. It was a sick, horrible nightmare. When she was gone, I couldn’t believe it.”
“Kaylan, I know you don’t think I understand, but I do. More than you realize.”
“No one gets this, Nick. You took me away from all the people who would understand.” She wished there was a way to help. Anything would be better than the daily pain. In Haiti she’d grown numb, unable to feel because there were still people trapped, other Sarah Beths still needing help, water, healing, hope. Here, she was helpless, with too much time to think, too much time to remember, in places and with people who made the memories vividly alive.
She’d given her heart to Haiti and been betrayed. She’d given her heart to Sarah Beth and been abandoned. She’d given her heart to Nick . . . she didn’t realize it until now, and he was breaking it, betraying it, and abandoning her. This was almost worse than Sarah Beth dying, almost worse than the earthquake. The one she pinned her hopes on was leaving . . . again.
“Kaylan, look at me. I understand your nightmares and flashbacks. I know what you live with. I have nightmares and flashbacks, as well. I wrestle with men I lost, with those I couldn’t help, with two buddies who died right in front of me. I see them. I relive the moments in too much detail.”
She studied him. How had she missed this? What else did she not know?
“I know what it’s like to lose a loved one, a friend. I lost both of my parents, although not to something as shattering as an earthquake.”
She shuddered. That word had the ability to shake her all over again. It should be excommunicated from the English language.
Silence engulfed them. He understood in part, but she wasn’t sure she could tell him the rest. She couldn’t discuss Eliezer. To say his name, to talk about him, would be to invite him into her home, put substance to her fear, her guilt. It was still her fault Sarah Beth had died. Maybe if she had chosen to stay home, Sarah Beth would have stayed too. Maybe if they hadn’t come home from work early to take a nap, she would have lived. The sky above the distant tree line tinged a light pink.
“Sarah Beth’s favorite color was pink.”
“You’ve told me.”
“She was like a little kid in a woman’s body. She loved life, Nick.” The snake reared its ugly head again. “It’s not fair that she’s gone. Why her and not me? She wanted to be there.”
“Kaylan, don’t ever say that again. Sarah Beth wouldn’t have wanted that for you either. You wanted to be there too. God wasn’t playing favorites. It was just her turn.”
Tears flowed again, and she swiped them away. She needed to get a grip.
“It’s okay to cry, Kayles.”
“No, it’s not. I don’t want to cry in front of you anymore.”
Nick pulled her into his arms, rubbing her back.
“I know you have an assignment. But what happens if I never see you again?”
Nick wished he could promise her everything would be all right. He wished he could reassure her of the safety of the mission, just routine training. No reason to worry. But the world was crazy, as she had discovered. He couldn’t control whether or not he came back alive or draped in a flag-covered box any more than he could control the weather.
“You’ll get through. Your family will be here. Time will pass. Life will keep going.” He talked almost mechanically while his mind raced. Should he tell her she should go back to Haiti? He shuddered at the thought. Not now, Lord. Please, not me, and not now.
Her soft voice sliced through his prayer. “Life is unbearable enough without Sarah Beth. What would it be like if you didn’t come home?”
Her words sank in, stopping the roar of his thoughts. He smiled. “So, I rank now, huh? Does that mean you’re officially my girl?”
He’d caught her off guard, and his smile deepened, but she needed to know he was sticking around in a permanent way.
“You promised you would be here.”
“I have a job, Kaylan. A job that is more than a nine-to-five workday. It’s a calling to me. I’m asking you now to believe in my calling as I believed in yours to go to Haiti. This isn’t a permanent leave. I’m not running away. How can I hold my head up if I ignore my commitments?”
“Any other time, I would accept that answer, but I need you. Can’t you ask for more time? They can take someone else.”
“Kaylan, my team needs me. And you don’t right now.”
“Yes, I do. I can’t do this without you.”
“That’s what you think. Babe, I think I’ve moved from the place of heroic knight to savior king, and I can’t be that. The Lord has to be your everything before I can help you anymore.”
“He doesn’t care.”
He couldn’t argue with her. Wouldn’t. He lifted the cedar box full of letters onto his lap. He would save the necklace for later.
Her eyes grew wide and her tone softened again. Her hand flew to her mouth. “Where? How?”
“I went to Rhonda’s house. I saw what happened.”
“But this was under my bed. Why would you go in there? Why would you do that? The rubble was unstable. It could have shifted and killed you.”
“Kaylan, to help you, I needed to see what you lived through. I wasn’t in the earthquake, but I saw its aftermath.”
“You saw, didn’t you? You saw where she died.”
“I saw it all.”
Silent tears poured down her face again, and she ran her hands over the top of the box. “I thought I lost this.”
“I loved getting your letters. Maybe if you write to me while I’m gone and keep them for me here, it will feel like I never left. It’s good to get your thoughts on paper. Since I can’t tell you where I’m going anyway, you can just send them to me when I get back.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck, and he pulled her close. Her tears soaked his shirt. “I wish you didn’t have to go.”
It broke his heart to break contact. He had to leave. He kissed her neck, her cheek, her forehead, seeking to comfort, though who he was comforting was unclear. He knew if the circumstances were different, she wouldn’t be this desperate for him to stay. “I’ll come see you when I get back.”
“Nick, please.”
He leaned forward to whisper in her ear. “The Lord never left you, Kaylan. He loves you more than I ever could. He is good, even in this.”
She stiffened, and he pulled her arms from his neck, rising to leave before he changed his mind. “Bye, babe.”
“Where’s God’s goodness in this?” Her whisper, dripping with bitterness, reached him outside the door, and he stopped as if his feet were cemented to the floor. He almost turned around, but he couldn’t. Clenching his fists, he put one foot in front of the other, forcefully removing himself from the equation. Only God could help her now. He’d been the only One who could accomplish it all along.