CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Saturday, February 6

A week after her dismissal from Worth & Purpose, Becca was still struggling to get her bearings. She had no problem sitting down in her disappointment, as Janelle had advised—her problem was getting back up. Maybe if she could’ve found that hole to hide in, she could’ve recouped by now. As it was, life kept finding her—throwing reminders of what could’ve been.

Her agent had called first thing Monday morning. As if she needed confirmation, he let her know she wouldn’t be getting a book deal after all, ever. She’d footnoted that last word in her mind, because it was true. Only the big-platform people got nonfiction book contracts. Those playing small ball could stick to their blogs. And she wasn’t even sticking to that.

She had yet to update it. People had been posting comments on her last entry, asking how things went, letting her know they’d been praying. She couldn’t address it yet. She wanted to get to a better place first, a place of peace, where she could say God must have a better plan and purpose and mean it. Or where she could quote, “All things work together for good . . .”—one of her favorite promises—and believe the promise applied to her and this situation. She felt silly for even redesigning the blog. If she hadn’t paid a fee for it, she’d delete it just as she had her Facebook fan page.

Becca groaned aloud, hearing her own funk as she swept the kitchen floor. She wanted to break out of it but she couldn’t. She wished Worth & Purpose had never entered her orbit. That’s what bothered her most. She wished God could just tell her why He opened the door only to slam it shut. What was the point, Lord? What were You trying to teach me? That I should never dream? That I could never have ministry success?

“Hey, Bec, I’ve got an idea to run by you.”

Todd had gone over to the church for an early morning meeting. The kids were sleeping late.

She held the broom. “What’s up?”

“At the meeting this morning we were talking about ministries already operating at Calvary and ones we’d like to implement.” He grabbed a banana from the fruit basket on the counter. “Calvary has never had a formal women’s ministry. There was a unanimous feeling in the group that you’d be the perfect person to head that up.”

Becca shook her head. “Sorry, Todd, but that doesn’t sound appealing in the least. The women’s ministry at our old church had Bible studies on Tuesday morning and Wednesday evening, retreats, fun Friday night workshop sessions. If I were interested, that’s the kind of ministry I’d want to head up.” She looked at him. “What do they even do here?”

“I think that’s the point, Bec. We’d need someone to fashion a women’s ministry. But you’re right, it won’t be like our old church. We just don’t have the numbers.”

“Well, even if they had the numbers, I doubt I’d be interested. I don’t want to give a single thought to ‘ministry.’ ”

Todd looked out the back window as Becca continued sweeping.

“Have you heard anything from Keisha?” she asked. She’d been trying not to let her issues take precedence over what Todd was going through.

He glanced back at her. “No. But we only talked to her Wednesday. I’d be shocked to hear from her again this year, quite frankly.”

“I know we keep saying it, but I still can’t believe your dad was in love with Gwynn—and they conceived a love child. That just blows my mind.”

“Yours?” He faced the window again. “It’s almost tragic in a way, to love so deeply but have that love denied because of the thinking of the time.”

She whisked under the table. “I’m really hoping you and Keisha can develop some kind of relationship.”

“I’m praying about that,” he said.

Becca couldn’t say the same. She didn’t have the faith to pray and believe for much of anything right now.

Her phone dinged on the counter, letting her know she had a text.

“I know it’s Janelle,” she said. “She’s been trying to get me to go to the Bible study at the diner this morning.”

“I think it’d be great if you went,” Todd said. “At the least you’d get out of the house, get your mind off things.”

And get away from that computer. She kept finding things to look up despite herself. A little while ago she’d gone to the Worth & Purpose website and seen that the site had been scrubbed of her existence.

She sighed. “I may as well.” She was curious what a “diner Bible study” was like anyway, especially one led by Sara Ann.

Becca walked into the diner with Janelle and Stephanie, a little late. The hostess led them to an area where several women were gathered. Becca noticed the cross-section right away—black, white, older, younger. And they all looked actively engaged in the discussion.

The three of them completed a third table, clustered together in a corner of the diner. The woman next to Becca smiled at them. “We’re talking about the promises of God,” she said, “focusing on promises we don’t hear very often.”

Sara Ann was at the middle table and had the women laughing about something. “I don’t see why y’all don’t think this is fun,” she said. She was grinning. “All right, any more promises we don’t hear people claiming very often? I haven’t heard anyone say, ‘Whom the Lord loves, He chastens.’ ” She laughed at the grumbles. “What? It’s a promise, ain’t it?”

“I’ve got one.”

A hand went up at the table next to Becca. “ ‘In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.’ ” The woman looked up from her Bible. “Call me weird if you want, but I like that trouble is guaranteed—seriously! It comforts me because things do go wrong.”

“That’s for sure,” another woman said, as heads nodded.

“So I tell myself, ‘Beverly, this shouldn’t shock you. What did Jesus say? You’re gonna have trouble in this world.’ And I remind myself that He’s overcome the world.”

“I love that,” Sara Ann said. She looked around for others.

Another hand went up. “I’ve got one, only because God hit me over the head with it this week. ‘Before honor comes humility.’ ” The woman was older and looked familiar, probably from Calvary. “I tend to want the honor, but not the humility,” she said. “But humility brings us closest to Christ. At least that’s the message God wants me to get. I’m still working on it.”

Becca was still staring at the woman after she’d finished. It was as if she’d been talking only to her. The words had hit Becca over the head too, like a two-by-four.

Sara Ann had already moved on to someone else, so Becca got up and tiptoed over to the woman, crouching down beside her. “Excuse me, what verse is that?”

“Proverbs 15:33.”

“Thank you.”

Becca went back, leafed through her Bible, and read it again.

“Before honor comes humility.”

She didn’t know why it was hitting her, but it was. Humility. Such an obvious, everyday word, but suddenly she wasn’t sure what it meant. Not in the way she needed to. What was it supposed to mean for her?

Becca felt such a stirring inside that she knew one thing for sure—she had to find out.