CCFD only benefited from Noah’s failed romance. He volunteered to take the holiday night call for the following six days. After pocketing the broken key, Noah camped out in his office and buried himself in work. The idea of returning to his house was nauseating, so he slept on his office couch. His left hook was improving, because every time he was tempted to text or contact Erin, he went back to the gym to box.
Things were better this way. She would be fine. He would be fine. The heavy bag had new dents, though.
Abby was not as easy to avoid, especially after he sent her a ‘Merry Christmas, got called into work’ text. She called continuously, and by day three, he gave up and put her on video call. It was after eleven, and he’d locked the door to the office.
“What happened to you!” She was shocked. “Are you growing a beard?”
Noah scraped a hand over his chin. He hadn’t shaved since Christmas Eve, so he had a solid start. “I’m the Chief. I can grow a beard if I want.”
“I thought I was going to meet your ‘friend’ on a Christmas video call.”
“She worked instead.”
“I see. You broke up,” Abby supplied.
“She gave me my key back.” Noah didn’t bother to lie and held up the key.
“I didn’t know you could do that to a key.”
“You can,” he said shortly. “It’s over. You don’t have to meet her. I’m fine.”
“Right. So can we talk about the fact your ex-girlfriend is a firefighter?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Noah was glad his door was closed.
“Do you think I’m stupid? Working on Christmas means fire, police, or hospital. Only one of those you’d have kept secret. Is it the geeky one?”
“The geeky one?”
“You two geeked out at the North Star.” Abby tilted her head quizzically and evaluated his lack of response. “Oh, nice stamina; she’s like a decade younger than you.”
“It would be a gross abuse of my power to date a subordinate… no matter how much I wanted it.”
“Supposing you were flexible on that?”
“Theoretically, there was a conflict of interest between our relationship and the department.”
“What brought about this ‘theoretical’ situation?” Abby kept her face impassive.
“Her firehouse got closed, and I approved her transfer orders… without telling her. She found out on her own and called me a liar. I’d promised to champion women, turned around and closed the firehouse with the most women in it to save my paramedic program.”
“She broke up with you because you are a lying, heartless son of a bitch.” Abby didn’t mince her words.
“Also ruthless and manipulative.”
“Did you try to stop her? Did you tell her how you felt about her?
“It doesn’t matter how I feel.”
“What did she say when you asked her to marry you?”
“I didn’t,” Noah said as his heart lurched. She’d put into words those insane thoughts he’d been having about Erin.
“Said you loved her?”
“No.” He wouldn’t let himself consider that far too likely possibility.
“Be the mother of your children?”
“No.” That one he’d imagined several times.
“‘The future is a dark, empty void without you?’”
“I didn’t do anything,” Noah said, rather than admit she was right. He might have crushed Erin’s idealism, but he self-immolated at the same time. For the first time in his life, his job, his purpose, brought him no comfort. Before he had been able to convince himself that every sacrifice was worth it.
Not anymore.
“You didn’t read her a poem, sing to her, beg her, kiss her, anything? Instead, you justified your actions and basically told her her feelings weren’t important,” Abby guessed correctly.
“I definitely did the last one,” Noah admitted. He was haunted by the memory of the shattered look in Erin’s eyes.
“The Fire Chief broke up with his girlfriend because Noah was too scared. "
“Abby, stop that. There aren’t two people. There’s only me, and I have to make choices that no one likes. If she thought closing her firehouse was the worst thing, then she doesn’t understand what it took to get where I am today. This doesn’t even start on the conflict of interests of dating a subordinate. What if we share a scene where I order her into danger? What happens when she’s up for promotion?”
“Those are excuses. Your girlfriend broke up with you for being a callous asshole and you justify it through your job?” Abby asked. “You don’t feel the slightest bit sorry?”
He finally snapped. “No, I don’t. Not only am I a morally inflexible ass who couldn’t stop thinking with his dick, I’m not sorry about closing her firehouse. It was under-performing, and the money could be used elsewhere. My only regret is getting caught and her figuring out who I truly am.”
“You don’t mean that—”
“I do. I don’t care. I should have known better.” Noah signed off rather than let Abby pick at the hole in his soul. Every day he had to make choices like this—horrible, painful choices—and anyone dared say he needed to be sorry.
The anger and the ugliness were bubbling out of every pore. He let out a brutal yell and upended the papers off his desk. Reams of transfer orders, staffing reports, arson investigations, and schedules fell to the floor. He had the wild idea of feeding every page into his paper shredder.
Instead, Noah forced himself to control his breathing. There was no running from this. He would do what had to be done. He always had.
Alone.
“What’s going on?” Theo commanded Erin with less than three days till the Firefighter Ball.
“Everything’s fine.”
“Right.” They’d dropped a chest pain patient off at MetroGen and were heading back to 13. “About this quiet thing?”
“I don’t have a quiet thing.” Erin’s answer was short and clipped.
“Usually, you’d have a bigger reaction about Aiden making up with Soto and Luna on Christmas. You worked continuously since Christmas Eve. Everyone is else going to the Ball tomorrow, including Carver.”
“See, the gang’s all fine. You won’t even miss me.”
“Meeting Han instead?”
Erin couldn’t help the funny noise she made in the back of her throat.
“Oh, Han is the problem. Weird how you haven’t mentioned him lately and volunteered to work so much overtime. Did you two break up?”
She said, “I dumped him. It got complicated.”
“Complicated?” Theo thought for a couple minutes. “You were so into him you practically disappeared.”
“Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do in a relationship?” Erin now felt guilty for ignoring her friends.
“Most people date for months to find out if they have enough feelings toward another person for a relationship. You and Han decided in a weekend.” He paused, then asked, “What was your longest relationship before Han Solo?”
“Umm, I had six months in a long distance one. A few lasted three or four months. They always kind of ended. I lost interest, they lost interest, a job opens up somewhere.”
“Why did you dump Han?”
“Because he’s a cold-hearted bastard who doesn’t understand my team. He thinks… he thinks I’m better off at 13 than I was at 15. Kwon offered me the option of staying at 13,” Erin admitted, finally getting part of the secrets off her chest.
Theo took it in stride. “I know. She offered me the same thing.”
“She did?” Erin was surprised.
Theo wasn’t. “Everyone got offers. Luna and Aiden at HQ, Carver at 55, and Nessa and Kevin at 19.”
“No one told me. Is it because I couldn’t handle it?” Now she hurt for a new reason. Her team had hidden things from her. Ridiculous, because she hid Noah, who hid things from her.
Theo shook his head. “No, it’s because you could. Your wife wasn’t admitted to the psych ward. You didn’t get PTSD or destroy another fire truck. You’re not the roommate and best friend of either of those two people. You didn’t try to replace your dead husband by pushing someone to move in with you. You’ll do great with whatever team you’re on.”
“But I want MY team!” she protested.
“Don’t kid yourself. We’ve been struggling for a year, and we were lucky it didn’t happen sooner.” Theo paused. “I think this 13 transfer showed you that you don’t know Han very well.”
“I knew him!”
“Did you? People mistake ‘feeling’ for ‘knowing’ all the time,” Theo told her.
“’Knowing’? You haven’t even mentioned love.” Erin had no idea where this was going.
“I didn’t think I had to. The movie always ends with the ‘I love you.’ He’s holding the boombox outside of her room, and they ride off into the sunset. You never hear they broke up a week later when she wanted an East Coast school and he wanted West Coast. The thing that makes love lasting and true is knowing another person. You feel for them, but do you know them, the good, the bad, and the ugly, in your heart of hearts.”
“Is this a real thing?”
“Look at our team. Kevin and Vanessa barely feel for their dates let alone care to know them. Carver doesn’t know himself, which its own problem. Luna doesn’t want to be ‘known’ because it would make her vulnerable. Aiden wants it so badly he’s a pain magnet.” Theo made great points.
“What about you and Drew?”
“I had feelings, but I didn’t know him well enough to understand what he wanted. Leonard and I loved each other, even in the end. Didn’t mean I didn’t make mistakes and that it wasn’t complicated. We were separated when he died.”
“You guys separated?” Erin tried not to pry on what had been a painful enough subject for Theo to move two hundred and fifty miles away.
Theo fiddled with the wedding ring hidden under his uniform top and pulled over into a parking lot. “We’d fought over something ridiculous. Replacing a cabinet became remodeling the bathroom which became when to start a family. When we argued, he told me he didn’t know me, and then he died.”
“Mid-argument?” Erin was a terrible friend if she was unaware of this. “I thought he caught a virus.”
“Not mid-argument. He got the flu. I was hurt and annoyed with him. He called me while I was on shift, and I didn’t answer. The next time I saw him, he was on a ventilator.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s nobody’s fault, but I was there at the end, holding his hand. I lost the person I loved, the person I knew best. Cincinnati was never the same for me. So, I came here, and then I found you. And Firehouse 15.”
Erin sniffled since Theo had kept this to himself for almost two years. “I feel dumb and selfish with my stupid problems. It’s a stupid firehouse and a stupid job.”
“My best friend hurting isn’t stupid.”
“So, what do I do now? About Han?” Erin asked him.
“Are your feelings strong enough that you want to know him? Or will you walk away and move on?”
“That’s too many feelings! Between him and team, I’m lost.”
“And as for the team… I worried about pressuring you on that,” Theo said.
“Pressuring me?”
“I want to stay with you. If you transfer, I will. If you don’t, I won’t. Be my best friend and not leave me alone?” he said with total sincerity.
“Aww, crap.” Erin brushed a tear off her cheek. “Yes. I accept.”
They shared a gentle head bump of friendship, and Erin felt a teensy bit less alone. What she lacked in family, she made up in friends.