Erin placed the last plastic bag of groceries into the boot of her car. Life had fallen into a comfortable routine. Jamie had more or less moved into Gran’s house, going out to work and returning at the end of the day, dusty, tired and happy. She’d been back to the office a few times for important meetings, but the rest of her work was done via video-conferencing.
Tonight she planned on cooking a baked dinner, hoping to get Jamie into a relaxed mood before she broached the subject of travelling to America. She’d been in almost daily contact with her American family over the last few weeks and her aunt had invited her to come over and meet everyone. However, judging from the reaction Jamie had had over Townsville, she wasn’t overly confident he was going to be thrilled about her heading to the other side of the world.
She wished she didn’t have to upset the sweet calm that had settled between them, but she wasn’t prepared to avoid the subject just in case it started an argument. That was not how she wanted to live.
Closing the boot with a satisfying thunk, Erin turned around just as Vanessa walked past, heading for the supermarket.
‘Enjoy it while it lasts,’ she said, coming to a stop beside Erin’s car.
‘Excuse me?’
‘This thing you’ve got going with Jamie. It won’t last. He’ll come back to me, like he did last time.’
‘That was a long time ago. I think it’s safe to say we’ve all grown up since then and moved on.’
‘I wasn’t talking about then,’ she said with a smirk. ‘Ask him where he was while you were up north.’
Erin frowned as she watched her walk away, her earlier good mood gone, replaced by a knot of unease in her stomach.
‘Something smells fantastic in here,’ Jamie said, coming into the kitchen, catching Erin off guard. She’d been so preoccupied with her thoughts, she hadn’t heard him come in.
‘Thought I’d do a roast.’
‘Sounds good.’ He slid his arms around her waist and nuzzled her neck, but stilled and pulled back slightly when she didn’t respond. ‘What’s the matter?’
Erin shook her head, and continued to peel the vegetables in the sink. ‘I bumped into Vanessa in town earlier.’
‘Did she say something to upset you?’
‘It was more what she didn’t say.’
‘Okay. What didn’t she say, then?’ he asked slowly.
‘Have you . . . seen her lately?’
Jamie frowned but gave an offhand shrug. ‘It’s Tuendoc, kinda hard not to see someone around here.’
Erin’s hand stilled on the potato peeler. It wasn’t her imagination, he was being deliberately noncommittal.
‘What do you really want to know, Erin?’
Erin dropped the peeler and the potato into the sink and turned around to face him. ‘Vanessa gave the impression that the two of you had . . . been together recently.’
‘Been together?’
‘You know what I mean,’ Erin snapped.
‘I told you she and I had a history. I haven’t hidden that.’
‘She didn’t seem to be referring to that.’
‘So you think I’ve been seeing her while I’ve been with you? I’m flattered that you think I’m man enough to keep two women happy at once.’ His tight expression looked anything but pleased.
‘The night we had an argument about my going to Townsville, where did you go when you left here?’ Erin asked, striving to keep her tone calm, but her hands were beginning to shake and she braced them on the sink behind her.
She’d been thinking about it all afternoon, and that was the only thing that made sense, the only occasion she could think of that Vanessa could have been referring to. She’d been hoping she was just lying to cause trouble. Now she wasn’t so sure.
Jamie was angry, she could see it in the tight set of his lips and the way he’d folded his arms across his broad chest. But it wasn’t his demeanour that made her stomach drop, it was the momentary look of apprehension flashing across his face.
‘So you don’t trust me?’
‘I didn’t say that.’
‘The fact you’re asking tells me you don’t.’
‘You didn’t answer the question,’ she said quietly.
‘I went to Vanessa’s.’ His answer was blunt and held no apology.
Even though Erin had been expecting it, to hear him confirm it still shocked her. Maybe somewhere deep down she’d hoped he’d deny it and, despite a flicker of apprehension, she’d be able to shrug it off.
But he’d confirmed it. What was she supposed to do with that? ‘I see.’
‘Sure you see,’ snorted Jamie.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘You don’t see anything. You’ve just jumped to a whole bunch of conclusions.’
‘Then clarify it for me.’
‘I shouldn’t have to. If you trusted me, you wouldn’t be assuming the worst.’
‘I’m not assuming anything, I’m just trying to figure out why you’d be so defensive of something if it were completely innocent.’
‘Maybe because you’re standing there doubting me.’
‘What am I supposed to think? She said you’d go running back to her like you always did, and clearly she was right. You were angry with me and you ran to her.’
‘Did I? Just like that? You believe that’s how it was?’
‘You just told me you went to Vanessa’s after our fight.’ This was getting exasperating.
‘I did. I have no reason to lie to you.’
‘Obviously,’ she said sarcastically.
‘So that means I must have slept with her?’
‘No, I don’t believe you slept with her,’ Erin said tightly, moving away from the sink and pacing the floor. ‘But running to her for comfort or a shoulder to cry on every single time we argue is just as bad.’
‘I did that once,’ he growled, frustration heavy in his tone. ‘Look, you want to believe the worst? Go for it. I’m not going to stand here and argue.’
Well, she figured, she might as well get the rest of it out in the open while he was already annoyed. ‘I’m going to America.’
‘You’re what?’ he said, turning back to stare at her in disbelief.
‘Going to America,’ she repeated firmly. ‘You know that I’ve been in touch with one of Mum’s aunties, Gwendolyn. She has invited me to go over and stay with them.’
Jamie stared at her. ‘You don’t even know these people. They could be a bunch of hillbilly psychopaths.’
Erin rolled her eyes. ‘I’m not stupid, Jamie. I’ve booked a motel to stay in and I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to tell if my life is in danger once I meet them. If I do, I promise I will not follow them down into a basement, especially if they’re carrying an axe, okay?’
‘Joke all you like, but weird shit happens over there. You have watched the news on occasion, haven’t you?’
‘Sometimes I seriously worry about you, Jamie. Small-town living has its good points, but small-mindedness is not one of them. You need to get out into the world and see what’s beyond Tuendoc.’
‘Wow, you know for a minute there I thought I was listening to your husband talking.’
Jamie’s snarled comment felt like a slap across the face.
He let out a long frustrated sigh. ‘I’m sorry, okay? I’m trying to be the voice of reason. When did you decide all this anyway? And how come this is the first I’ve even heard of it?’
‘This morning.’
‘Is that what this whole Vanessa thing was about tonight? Were you trying to pick a fight so you could justify leaving?’
‘What? No. Of course not.’
‘’Cause it seems a little bit too convenient to me.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ Erin felt a strange flutter of panic begin to stir in her stomach. ‘I bumped into her in town this afternoon.’
‘You don’t see this? You don’t see that you’re running again? It’s that night all over again. You’re throwing that car in reverse and hightailing it outta town.’
‘Oh, please.’
‘Think about it. When was the last time you actually stayed and confronted a problem? The only reason you’ve stayed here this long and buried yourself so deep in all this family history is because you don’t want to go back and confront your arsehole husband and his new girlfriend.’
Erin stared at him, fearing her face might show her uncertainty.
‘You’ve done nothing wrong. They’re the ones who should be ashamed, but you’re the one who’s in hiding.’
‘I’m not hiding from anyone,’ she said tersely. She didn’t particularly want to have to face all the gossip and knowing looks either, but it wasn’t hiding, it was delaying until the whole thing either blew over or she felt a bit stronger. Just thinking about her husband was enough to irritate her at this moment. ‘You have no idea what you’re talking about.’
‘Course not, I’m just a dumb farmer from Hicksville. What would I possibly know about anything, right?’
‘I didn’t say that.’
‘You didn’t have to. Clearly I’m not sophisticated enough for you, I haven’t travelled the world, I’m not a university lecturer, I only know how to cheat and slink around behind your back.’
Erin couldn’t believe this was all coming out now. It was as though she’d picked the scab off a wound to find all these issues had been festering below.
‘You know what? You’re right, I’m none of the things your prick of a husband was. I’m better than that. You just don’t want to see it.’
‘I’ve never compared you to him.’
‘You’re doing it now, when you’ve decided the worst, instead of giving me the benefit of the doubt,’ he said sadly. ‘You can’t trust me.’
Erin gave a bitter snort, but closed her eyes briefly against the pain. ‘Trust? I trusted that marriage was forever, but apparently the whole “unto death do us part” bit becomes null and void if you can’t have a baby. Then I discover my family has these secrets in their past, and my gran, the one person I trusted most of all, had a whole secret life she never talked about . . . so forgive me if my trust is a little shaky right now.’
‘Do you want to try to make this thing between us work, Erin?’ he asked quietly.
His question surprised her. Part of her did want to, very much. But there was still that little part that wasn’t sure she could trust in the possibility of a future with this man.
‘I guess that answered my question,’ he said dully when she hesitated.
‘That’s not fair.’
‘It was a simple question.’
‘There’s nothing simple about it. I’ve just come out of a marriage, Jamie. I’m not sure I want to get back into a serious relationship so soon. And quite frankly, I don’t think you’ve thought any of this through enough to be asking.’
‘I’ve thought about nothing else ever since you came back to town.’
‘Okay, so have you thought about not having kids?’ This was the crux of the issue, and she almost wished she could take the question back now.
‘I have, actually,’ he told her tightly. ‘It’s not a deal-breaker for me.’
‘Really?’ she said with a hefty dose of scepticism. ‘So you’re quite okay with the fact your family line runs out if you don’t have any kids?’
‘This isn’t medieval England, Erin. Anyway, Dad’s got brothers and we have plenty of heirs to the McBride name and vast fortune,’ he said sarcastically.
‘You can’t possibly know how you’ll feel in a few years’ time, when you wake up and suddenly realise the enormity of never being a father.’
‘Maybe you’re right. Maybe I will have regrets about the kids we could have had but didn’t,’ he said, and held her gaze determinedly. ‘But you know what? I’m not stupid enough to throw away a future with the woman I love just because we can’t have kids.’
‘I don’t know if I can risk being discarded a second time,’ she said quietly. And that’s what it all boiled down to. She was afraid.
Erin hated the look of defeat on his face. Jamie was the most confident man she’d ever known and to see him look defeated felt like a physical blow to her stomach.
‘This trip to America isn’t about running away, and it’s nothing to do with you and I. It’s just something I need to do.’
‘Then you do whatever you have to do.’
He turned away and she was left staring after him. She blinked back tears as she heard his car roar off down the driveway. She needed to start organising her travel arrangements but her heart felt so heavy all she could do was fall into bed. She went to sleep with only the company of warm tears trickling onto her pillow.