The traffic seemed louder than she remembered as she walked along the footpath and headed into the restaurant. She’d been back in Sydney three days, but she needed a few more before she could face work again. She was still in shock over her pregnancy, it was almost too surreal to believe; although there were times when she caught herself smiling idiotically as she contemplated the fact that she was having a baby. She hadn’t even been able to face Roxy. Especially Roxy. She knew her better than anyone, and right now, when she wasn’t sure of anything, she knew Roxy would see right through her and know something was going on. She needed a bit of space to deal with things first.
She told herself she wasn’t delaying facing Jamie, either. The fact was, she needed to get back to work. Her time at Tallowood had been an escape from reality, a shelter from the emotional storm she’d been going through, but she always knew that one day it would have to end. She needed to be back in the office. She could take a weekend and drive back to Tallowood once she was settled back into her old life and tell Jamie then. She wasn’t being a coward . . . not really.
However, her old life came back sooner than she’d anticipated with a phone call from Phillip asking her to meet so they could discuss their situation.
It was inevitable that decisions would have to be made about property and settlement but, added to her recent discovery, it felt a little overwhelming. Still, she’d prefer to deal with Phillip sooner rather than later and get things out of the way.
She found Phillip seated at a table in the back of the restaurant, the table they had always sat at on their regular visits to the place. She smiled at a familiar waiter as she passed by, and wondered why Phillip had chosen this place to meet. She thought she’d feel sad to return after so many years coming here during their marriage, but instead she felt . . . nothing.
Phillip stood up as she approached and moved to hug her, but quickly changed his mind at her startled expression and gestured for her to take a seat instead. His hair needed cutting, and he looked older. Tired. Maybe it was a lot harder running after a pregnant mistress, she thought a little snidely.
‘I’m sorry about your grandmother. I know you two were close.’
‘Thank you.’ Erin took her time settling into her seat before looking across at Phillip. She didn’t want to talk about Gran with him. He’d always found it rather inconvenient to visit, and she’d made most of the trips alone.
‘Thank you for meeting me, Erin. I wasn’t sure you would.’
She shrugged. ‘I was in town. How’s Dakota?’ she asked, adjusting the cutlery in front of her.
‘Fine, as far as I know,’ he said hesitantly, and Erin looked up curiously.
‘As far as you know?’
‘We . . . are no longer together.’
Well, that’s certainly unexpected, she thought, struggling to contain her surprise. ‘That’s . . .’ She couldn’t bring herself to use a socially acceptable Sorry to hear that. ‘. . . unfortunate.’
‘Yes,’ he agreed awkwardly.
‘What about the . . . baby?’
Phillip shifted in seat. ‘There is no baby.’
‘She lost it?’ asked Erin. Despite what she thought of the woman, no one deserved the heartache of losing a baby. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘No,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘She was never pregnant in the first place.’
‘What?’
‘I feel like such a fool, Erin. I was so caught up in having a baby, so distraught after all our failed attempts, that I rushed into a relationship, seeing and hearing only what I wanted to see and hear. I’m so, so sorry I hurt you.’
Erin was dumbfounded. This woman broke up a marriage by pretending to be pregnant?
‘I don’t know what to say, Phillip.’ Part of her wanted to cheer that karma did indeed work, but she could never honestly feel happy about someone suffering like that. Phillip’s desire to have a child had been real, and the truth must have been devastating. He would have made a great father, despite his betrayal of her, she’d always thought so. Erin froze. Once upon a time he would have been the father to a child they’d hoped to make together. He was stable, settled. He was still officially her husband. Thoughts whirled about inside her head, making her feel giddy. Did she really want her child, this miracle child, to grow up as she had, with no father in its life?
It has a father, her voice of reason added sternly. Which was technically true, but Jamie wanting her in his life was under question. Why would she subject her child to having two separate lives, two separate parents, divided between them for holidays and birthdays? She didn’t have to. The solution was staring her, quite literally, in the face. Who would know? She had no reason ever to go back to Tallowood, she didn’t have to ever see Jamie again. All she had to do was give Phillip another chance. He would never have to know how far along she was.
‘Erin?’
At her name being called urgently, she looked up guiltily. ‘Sorry?’
‘Are you all right? You look a little pale.’
‘I’m fine. I’m just . . . surprised . . . by your news.’
‘I didn’t bring you here to feel sorry for me. I just didn’t want you to find out from someone else.’
Erin was too confused by her own thoughts. ‘I’m sorry, Phillip, but I don’t think I can stay for lunch after all.’
‘I understand. Thank you for at least hearing me out.’
Erin managed a brief nod, before she got to her feet and picked up her handbag.
‘Would it be all right if I called you tomorrow?’
‘Called me?’ Erin asked cautiously.
‘I . . . Look, I know I don’t deserve it, but I’d like a chance to make it up to you. Please. I just need . . . you were the only one I could ever talk to . . .’ He sighed, lowering his gaze to the tabletop. ‘I miss you.’
She wanted to laugh in his face, or yell at him; a few weeks ago she might have done both, but she wasn’t the same person any more. Her life was no longer her own; she had another person to think about.
‘I can’t do this right now,’ she murmured turning away quickly and leaving before Phillip had a chance to stop her. She couldn’t think straight. She couldn’t breathe. Pushing through the front door of the restaurant, she took a deep breath and tried to calm the crazy thoughts running through her head.