‘I need to sit down,’ she said, turning away from Jamie, not caring if he followed or not.
He did.
Once she was seated on the lounge, he disappeared briefly into the kitchen, and she heard the tap go on before he reappeared with a glass of water. He handed it to her then took a seat on the edge of the lounge, watching her closely.
‘Are you feeling all right?’ he asked after she took a sip of the water and placed the glass on the coffee table before her.
‘Not really.’
‘Look, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking too clearly. I was already in a bit of a tailspin, but then when I saw your ex . . .’
‘How did you find out? How did you even find me?’
‘I went by your office to see if you were there and met your friend. The tall redhead with a temper to match.’
‘Roxy?’ She couldn’t believe her best friend would sell her out like that.
Her expression must have given her away because Jamie added, ‘Yeah, well, I don’t think she meant to tell me about the baby. It slipped out while she was tearing strips off me. She’s got quite an impressive vocabulary on her when she’s angry. I didn’t know you could combine so many expletives into one sentence.’
Erin could all too easily picture the incident. Roxy’s temper, although not a regular occurrence, was legendary throughout the office. ‘Then how did you get my address?’
‘She eventually calmed down and I charmed it out of her.’ He shrugged. ‘But I found out you were back in the city from your mother.’
‘Wait. My mother?’ Erin wasn’t sure if it was some weird side effect of pregnancy that was making her so dim-witted that she was struggling to keep up, or if this was just really confusing.
‘I was waiting for you to come home from your trip and had just about given up when I saw the lights on at Tallowood and assumed you were home. I went over to see you, only it was your mother. She invited me in for a cuppa and before I knew it I was pouring my guts out to her about what an idiot I’d been.’
‘You and my mother had a deep and meaningful?’
‘Trust me, no one’s more surprised than me,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘You had me so twisted up inside, I had to tell someone . . . I don’t why, but once we started talking about you, it just all came out. She told me if I didn’t want to lose you, I needed to get down here and do something about it,’ he said, gazing down at his hands.
‘She said that?’
‘She was different somehow. Less . . . weird. Anyway, I came over to explain that I was not sleeping with Vanessa while we were together,’ he said, turning sideways to face her. ‘You keep leaving town before we have a chance to clear the air. You just left. I tried calling you, but when you didn’t return my call . . .’ He let out a frustrated sigh. ‘I didn’t even know if we were still together or not.’
‘You must have figured it out pretty quick. The night I left I saw your ute outside the pub on my way out of town, only to find your on-again off-again girlfriend draped over you like a second bloody skin, and you telling her how you weren’t ready to settle down yet and that you didn’t really love me. I got the message loud and clear that you and I were over.’
Jamie frowned, then his expression cleared. ‘That wasn’t about you and me,’ he said. ‘Vanessa asked why she and I had never worked out when we were younger. I didn’t even know you were there. Why the hell didn’t you say something?’
‘Me? Why were you even there in the first place? If you were so cut up about our fight, why would you go running to her for a shoulder to cry on?’
‘I didn’t go there to cry on her shoulder. I went there to have a drink and to try to work out what the hell had happened.’
‘And she just happened to be there?’
‘Well, considering she works at the pub, it isn’t all that unusual.’
It would have been helpful to know that little piece of information earlier, she thought. ‘Maybe if that had been the only time I’d seen something similar play out between you two, it would be different, but it looked a little too much like the last time I found you together. I wasn’t thinking straight. I never am around you.’
‘Yeah? Well, join the club,’ he told her gruffly. ‘I didn’t go to the pub that night planning on picking up Vanessa, you know. I was leaving and she’d just finished work . . . It just . . . happened.’
Erin let her gaze drop to the lounge between them as she fiddled with the fringe of a throw cushion. ‘But you two have a history.’ She hated the note of jealousy that had crept into her voice, but she was helpless to stop it.
‘Yeah, Vanessa and I had a history. I’ve never claimed to be a bloody monk. How is it any different to you being married?’ he demanded.
‘The day I saw her down the street, she indicated that you two were still seeing each other. That you always came back to her eventually. When you admitted you’d gone to her place while I was in Townsville, I figured she was right.’
‘I didn’t lie to you, I did go to her place. I spend a lot of time with her kids. Their dad was a good mate of mine. I made a promise to him that I’d keep an eye on them when he couldn’t be there to do it. And as for Vanessa, we didn’t get together as much as she would have you believe, but we did see each other from time to time. I’m not going to defend myself, I shouldn’t have to. It’s a small town and we were both single. Occasionally we were there for each other.’
Erin flinched a little, but at the same time she knew he was right, he didn’t owe her anything. She’d been married; he’d been living his own life.
Jamie’s voice softened a little. ‘I’ve only ever loved one woman, Erin. Back then everyone thought what we had was too fast, too young . . . but that feeling never went away. It was there every time I saw you. Year after year. It just about killed me when I saw you with him,’ he said, gesturing in the direction of the front door as though Phillip had just this minute left.
Erin saw the uncertainty in his gaze and tried to guard her heart against crumbling. She had too much to think about and her baby’s future depended on her keeping a clear head.
‘I never stopped loving you, Erin,’ he said simply. ‘Marry me.’
‘What?’
‘Marry me.’
‘I can’t,’ she said, her mind in a confused whirl. ‘I’m not even divorced yet,’ she added, nearly laughing at the absurdity of the conversation. Oh, what a proud moment this was, dumped by her husband, who was now sorry he’d walked out on her, and knocked up by her commitment-phobic old flame, who was now asking her to marry him.
‘I don’t care. We’ll get married as soon as it’s official. Until then, just say yes.’
‘You don’t have to marry me because of the baby. We can work around it.’
‘Christ, woman, you can be so infuriating. What part of I love you don’t you understand?’
‘Maybe the part where I remember you saying you weren’t ready for a relationship,’ she snapped.
‘I told you, that wasn’t about you and me.’
‘You were happy not settling, remember?’
‘I said I wasn’t going to make do with something that didn’t make me happy. I knew what made me happy, Erin. It was you. I wanted what we had when we were nineteen. I’ve only ever had that feeling with you. How could I settle for anyone else when it didn’t feel that good?’
Erin stared at him. How was she supposed to keep a clear head when he said things that made her heart melt?
‘I waited for a long time for you to come back, Erin. I finally thought we had a shot at a future. But I’m tired of worrying each time we disagree about something that I’ll lose you.’
‘You didn’t lose me, I was just going overseas.’
‘That’s the problem, you’re always going away. I was worried that one day you wouldn’t come back.’
‘Why would you think that?’
‘Because,’ he said as though forcing the words from his mouth, ‘I thought you’d figure out that I wasn’t good enough for you.’
‘Are you serious?’
‘You were married to a bloody professor. You like living in the city, and you’ve been all over the world. Yeah, the thought crossed my mind a time or two that one day you’d start wondering what the hell you even saw in some boring farmer who raises beef.’
Erin was taken aback. She hadn’t understood how vulnerable he felt in the face of her career and life experiences.
‘I don’t know how we could make this work,’ she said, throwing her hands up helplessly. ‘We have different views on everything.’
‘We’d have to work them out.’
‘I’m not sure I could go back to giving up my independence now.’
‘I wouldn’t ask you to give up your independence.’
‘Having to ask your permission to do things or tiptoeing around sensitive subjects is giving up my independence.’
‘We’ll both have to make some changes. I have to stop flying off the handle so often. I get that. But you need to stop running away. Every couple has disagreements, there’s nothing unusual about us, we just have to figure out how to do things better.’
When did he get so mature? She was the married one, the one who had experience with relationships; she should be the one giving him the inspirational couples therapy talk.
‘Erin,’ he said, stepping closer, his voice dropping low. ‘I want this baby. I want you. I want us to be a family.’
Inside her, caution and fear were going head to head, but on the sidelines, tenderness and hope were watching on warily. Her child deserved to grow up with its father. Isn’t that what she’d always wanted? Jamie was offering her a shot at a real family; she could be the first woman in three generations to finally do things the right way. All she had to do was find the courage to say yes.