WE WERE STANDING OUTSIDE THE decrepit old movie theater, waiting for Hayden and Gabby. Chris was holding my hand a little too tightly. Or maybe it was me. There was something in the air between us, like an itch just out of reach.
Hayden and Gabby had gotten relentless in their efforts to meet him. I chose the movies. It’s a controlled environment: two hours of not being able to talk. Because talking meant the risk of someone saying something about Mallory or me or the stupid lie I had let take on a life of its own this summer.
“Are you all right?” Chris asked me. “You seem a little tense.”
“No, I’m fine,” I said, forcing a smile. But he was getting to know my different smiles, and he squinted hard at me like I was glass he could see right through.
“You’re nervous about me meeting your friends, aren’t you?” he asked, but before I could respond, he added, “It’s okay, so am I.”
“I’m sorry,” I told him, and I was. “I should be trying to make you less nervous, not the other way around.”
“You want them to like me—I get it.”
“No, I already know they’ll like you.” Which was the whole problem, but I couldn’t say that, so instead I leaned in and kissed him on the lips quickly. I was determined to make this evening go smoothly, and as we looked into each other’s eyes, I was convinced for a moment that it would.
“Hey, I was waiting to tell you this until I knew for sure,” he began, and took a deep breath before continuing. “But I’m trying to get my parents to let me stay.”
“Stay?” I felt this massive thump in my chest. “Stay here?”
“Yeah, stay here in Carson and live with my aunt and go to school with you this year.”
All the blood in my body ran cold.
“Think about it; it’s the perfect solution,” he continued. “My parents are too scared to let me start school back home. This way, there’s not all the baggage from everything that happened. But more importantly”—he held on to both of my hands now—“we get to be together.”
I once saw this video of a snowboarder who got trapped inside an avalanche. The snow began cracking all around him like glass, and then the mountainside just collapsed, swallowing him up in its hundred-mile-an-hour current. It’s not always the massive explosions or earthquakes that cause avalanches; they can be triggered by something small, like the movements of animals, or new rain or snow.
I could feel the ground cracking all around me.
It was one thing for Chris to be here and not know anyone else or talk to anyone else and simply exist with me in this dreamworld we had created—I was worried enough about being able to successfully shepherd two hours of silence in a darkened theater with my friends—but if he was really going to stay, he’d find out within one day every last thing I was keeping from him.
“I mean, you want me to, right?” he asked after I still hadn’t responded.
“Yeah, of—of course,” I stuttered. “Yes, you just—I—I’m surprised. I didn’t know you were even thinking about that.”
His smile returned as he brought my hand up to his mouth and kissed it.
“You think your parents will really let you?” Even I could hear my voice shaking as I spoke the words. But before he could answer me, a pair of footsteps approached on the sidewalk, accompanied by Gabby’s booming voice:
“Hello, lovebirds!”
I turned to look, and so did Chris. He was already waving at my friends, and I felt myself getting swept away in the undertow, being carried farther and farther from them.
Gabby stood in front of Chris and said, “At last, we get to meet the person responsible for stealing our girl away from us all summer.”
Chris looked to me—I was supposed to make the official introductions, but I couldn’t. I was being buried.
“Gabby, right?” Chris said, pointing at her, and then pivoting toward Hayden. “And Hayden?”
“Nice to finally meet you, Chris.” Hayden glanced over at me, and I managed to give her a smile. “So,” she said. “What do we wanna do?”
“Movies?” I uttered, pointing above us to the giant marquee theater sign half lit up in neon.
“Oh yeah,” Gabby chimed in. “Hayden and I decided that sounded really boring, so—”
“You can’t just decide that,” I argued. “We made a plan.”
Hayden raised her voice above ours. “Then let’s vote. Those in favor of the movies . . .” We each looked at one another, and I was the only one raising my hand, until I locked eyes with Chris, and then he put his hand up too. “All in favor of doing something, you know, fun, where we actually get to hang out?”
Hayden’s and Gabby’s hands shot up, and as I crossed my arms to signal our stalemate, Chris slowly raised his, extending just one finger at first, shrugging, as he spread all five in a full hand raise. “Sorry,” he said, his face cringing.
But before I could respond, they all started laughing.
I took a deep breath—I would have to deal with one disaster at a time. In comparison to the time bomb Chris had just dropped into my lap, I guessed I could handle one unscripted evening. I exhaled, looked at Chris, and said in my best make-believe-yet-actually-very-real defeated voice, “Traitor.”
To which he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and leaned in to kiss my forehead, prompting Hayden and Gabby to respond in a chorus of “Awww!”
“Let’s get something to eat,” Hayden said, and they walked away from the theater. We were headed toward DairyLand, but to get there we had to pass some abandoned storefronts, and then Miss Teresa’s Antiques, which was basically a giant indoor yard sale. I was traversing the same stale geography I’d been surrounded by for my entire life, except this time it was buzzing with the unknown, here with Chris by my side, and my friends just ahead.
“Oh wow, look at this!” Chris stopped walking, and was peering into the overcrowded storefront window. It was an old telescope mounted on a wooden tripod, the original box sitting on the floor next to it.
Hayden and Gabby backtracked to join us, and Gabby said, “Let’s go in.”
A buzzer chimed as we walked through the door into a world of forgotten items. The sharp scent of mothballs and mildew and old books immediately brought back a hundred different memories of all the times I used to come here with Mallory in search of the perfect photo prop or vintage combat boots or antique costume jewelry. My head began to ache, that old familiar dizziness settling in the pit of my stomach.
Chris went straight to the telescope, and while he was inspecting it from all angles, he murmured to himself, “Wow” and “sweet.” Hayden whispered in my ear, “Adorable.” Gabby gave a not-so-subtle thumbs-up. I batted at them with my hand and silently mouthed at them to Stop. They dispersed to go rummage through the clothing.
I wandered to the jewelry display by myself. I was looking through the glass case at the antique engagement rings and expensive one-of-a-kind brooches and pins when the shopkeeper approached—Miss Teresa herself. “Would you like to see anything?” she asked.
“No, I’m just—” I started, but then a necklace caught my eye. A locket engraved with a crescent moon encircling a star with a missing stone in its center. “Actually, can I see that?”
She pulled it out and laid it on top of a swatch of velvety fabric. As I ran my fingers along the tarnished gold chain and the grooves of the locket, I could feel my mouth curving into a smile.
“That would look so pretty on you,” Chris said as he came up behind me, placing his hand on my back.
I turned over the tiny paper price tag that was tied around the chain by a loop of string—sixty dollars. “I can’t spend that much on a necklace.”
“But if you really like it . . . ?” he asked, letting the question dangle there.
“It’s vintage. Worth every penny,” Teresa added, pressing down on the tiny lever, popping open the locket to reveal a mark engraved on the inside.
“I like it ’cause it reminds me of you,” I said to Chris. “I don’t need it, though. I already have you. Thanks anyway,” I told Teresa.
“Maia! Chris?” Gabby called across the store. She and Hayden were dressed up in clothing from different time periods. Hayden waved us over, donning long white gloves up to the elbows. Gabby was in a fur shawl and had a sequin clutch.
“We’re being beckoned,” he said, thoroughly enjoying himself.
I groaned as I trudged toward them.
“You can relax,” he said close to my ear, and his voice was so soothing, I almost believed him. “It’s going well. I really like them.”
Hayden and Gabby were standing there with this old jacket they found, the kind with elbow patches. “Here, Chris,” Gabby said, holding the jacket open. “Try this.”
“Guys, come on,” I said.
“What?” Hayden asked as Chris threaded his arms through the sleeves. “He looks great!” Then she placed a fedora on his head, setting it on a tilt.
“Really?” Chris looked at me as he straightened the jacket out.
“You do,” I told him. “You look great.” He did, and for a second I wasn’t worried about the giant mess I had created; I was more worried about keeping my hands off him in the store. His smile was contagious. I watched it spread from Hayden to Gabby, and then finally to me.
He took the hat off and placed it on my head, telling me, “And you look amazing.”
I wasn’t sure how I could be so immensely happy while also being so profoundly sad—I was drowning. “I’ll be right back,” I said, pushing the hat into Chris’s hands.
“Where’s she going?” I heard Hayden ask as I rushed to the bathroom.
I had to run, had to get away. I locked the door behind me and turned the faucet on full force. I tried to slow my breathing, but I couldn’t. I was gasping for air—I couldn’t seem to get enough in or out. I was dizzy. I sat down on the floor because I was afraid I’d fall. My hands were shaking.
“Just a minute,” I yelled.
It was Hayden’s voice on the other side of the door. “Are you okay?”
I scrambled to my feet and shut the water off. I looked in the mirror for only a moment before I swung the door open—I had a twinge of that old sickening sense of not recognizing myself again.
“You okay?” she repeated as I came out.
“Yeah,” I told her as we walked back to where Chris and Gabby were waiting. “Just not feeling great.”
Everyone had removed their accoutrements. And Chris was holding one of those really old box cameras, saying, all excited, “Maia, check this out. And look, there are these old lenses over here.” Just when I thought I was back on solid ground, it began rumbling and vibrating under my feet again.
“Chris.” I hadn’t realized how sharp my voice was until the word was out of my mouth and everyone was staring at me. “Um, Chris,” I said again, softer, taking the camera from his hands and setting it down on a stray dining chair. “Look, we have to go, okay?” I whispered to him. “Y’all, we have to go, all right?”
“Wait, what? Why?” everyone was saying all at the same time. But I couldn’t answer any of those questions; I couldn’t deal. I started walking toward the door instead.