I really thought I’d be more excited to get home, but nothing about being at home felt right. The house was too big and at the same time, too small. It was too quiet while also too noisy. Bottom line, it no longer felt like home. I wondered if it ever had.
Without Leslie’s body up against me and her arms holding me close, sleep was fitful. I woke up restless and forced myself to get back into my old routine. The treadmill now seemed like a ridiculous invention, and even with the adjusting incline feature as part of my program, I felt like it wasted forty-five minutes of my life.
Nothing felt right, nothing felt normal. Even my strawberry and kale smoothie seemed off. It no longer hit the spot. I dumped it down the drain and broke into one of the yet-to-be mailed trail boxes, craving my AT breakfast of oatmeal with cream powder, raisins, and walnuts. I even used my camp stove since I still had the fuel canister that I’d had to leave behind when I flew to Georgia. The concoction smelled so good that my mouth watered.
I decided to eat outside on my rooftop patio. Titanium cup in hand, I sat at the picnic table that I hadn’t previously realized was even out there and dug in. It would have been almost perfect except the city noises ruined the atmosphere, replacing birdsong and the sound leaves made when the wind rustled them gently. Not only that, but I longed for the morning chat with Leslie, something I’d come to associate with this sweet morning meal. One wasn’t quite the same without the other. I missed the woman who’d pulled me out of my guarded existence. She’d helped me see who I was and who I wanted to be. I missed the woman who taught me to slow down and play. I missed Leslie.
I checked my phone for the hundredth time that morning. Two texts from Grayson and three from Sue but nothing back from Leslie. No texts. No calls. Not even a broken heart emoji. I reminded myself that I was the one who’d left, not her. But it was a short-term blip, wasn’t it? A blip if they didn’t offer me my old job back. But what if they did? Surely, she’d come around and give Hartford a try. Better question was, could I go back? Or was Leslie right, and I could only go forward? If I could go back, would I really want to? Being away from all of that stress had me feeling like a new woman.
I shook it away; none of it mattered. They’d picked Carl, and I wouldn’t return if I wasn’t the CEO.
I stared into space, feeling pulled in two different directions: one path my legacy and the expectations that went with it, and the other a path of openness and honesty and the unknown. The unknown had always been an unwelcome concept. After all, I was a planner. Somehow, with Leslie next to me, the unknown had morphed into something exciting and full of possibilities.
But what if they begged me to come back and met all my demands? Was I prepared with a list? I might consider going back if they begged. Jesus, I needed to stop this wishy-washy nonsense. I was putting the cart before the horse. Being back was definitely just a short-term blip. I’d go into the office and get the work done so I could get back to Leslie and the trail. We still had several months to figure out who we were to each other and how something between us could work.
I gave myself a good eye roll. I didn’t need several more months to figure anything out. It’d been less than twenty-four hours away from her, and I already felt such a deep, inescapable heartache that had no cure. I thought back and couldn’t recall this kind of profound sadness when Tiffany had moved out, or anyone else for that matter. What I had with Leslie was unlike anything I’d had with anyone else, of that I was certain.
Showered and dressed, I collected my things, slid behind the wheel of my car, and drove to the office. With the morning traffic, my drive took more than twenty-five minutes. It probably would have been faster if I’d walked. I shook my head and chuckled. I’d commuted to the same building for more than fifteen years, I’d been the CEO for seven, and not once had I ever considered walking to work. Jesus, had blaring horns always been so loud? I turned up the radio. Finally, I whipped into the parking garage and snaked up the levels. When I reached the blue level, I turned left and had to slam on the brakes in order to avoid hitting the Jaguar parked in the space my car had occupied those last many years. That was right. I was no longer the CEO. I backed up and made my way to guest parking.
An old familiar anxiety took ahold of my chest, blanketed in an altogether new uneasiness. I was about to walk into the building that had escorted me out. I wasn’t returning as the chief executive; instead, I was a consultant, albeit a very well-paid consultant. No doubt, the smirk on my face looked like the Grinch plotting Christmas demise. I stepped into the elevator and through muscle memory, aimed for the floor that held my old corner suite.
I had to stop myself. The accounting department wasn’t on the top floor. I pressed the button for two stories down, and the doors closed. Here goes nothing.
Sue was standing there when the elevator doors opened. She had two cups of coffee, one in each hand, and the cheesiest smile on her face. She was the only bright spot in my time away from the trail, my time away from Leslie.
“My, oh my, what a difference a day makes. Look at you, all cleaned up, smellin’ pretty, and dressed for success. Thought maybe you’d like your usual. Grayson’s been down here six times already, and you’re not actually due in for another half hour.” She handed me a cup.
“How long have you been standing here?”
“Seriously? Less than a minute. You always arrive promptly at six thirty. I could set my watch by it, which means I arrive at six twenty-five.” She hooked her arm in mine. “Come on, we’re set up over here.”
“I pray Kelly’s got it all done. Being here feels weird. It’s like I’m in the Twilight Zone. I damn near parked on top of Carl’s car.”
“I’d have paid to see that happen.” She laughed and led me into a wasteland of cubicles, apparently our temporary office. She guided me through the maze and into the conference room in the back, next to Kelly’s old office.
Beth from IT walked in a few minutes later. “Excuse me, Ms. Shaw, I don’t know if you remember me. I’m Beth. I’m here to get you back in the system.” She set down two laptops, an armload of monitors, keyboards, and mice that were dangling from her extended pinky finger. She wiped her hand on her slacks and held it out to me. “Can I just say, we’re all excited to have you back.”
I shook her hand. “Of course I remember you, Beth. You were always there when I had issues. Thank you for the kind words, but I’m afraid my return is temporary.”
“Your return has been the talk of the building. Everyone’s hoping that the joker sitting in your office upstairs will be tossed out on his ear, and you’ll be back permanently.” She leaned a little closer. “It’s been a colossal shit show since you left.”
A throat cleared behind us. Beth looked over my shoulder, and her face flushed beet red. “I should probably get your stations set up. I’ll be ready for you to test your credentials in just a bit.”
“Thank you.” I winked at her, and she smiled.
“I’m glad you’re back. Punctual as always,” Grayson said from the door. “Thank you, again, for agreeing to do this.”
I turned slowly and channeled my mother’s cold exterior. “I’m not back. I’m a consultant, merely passing through.”
“If I had my way, you’d be back. You’d be upstairs where you belong.” He was in his space now, his confident swagger on full display. I half expected him to flop in a chair at the conference table and start chatting as if nothing had ever happened.
“Let’s not do this dance. I’m here to accomplish one task, and when that’s done, I’m gone.”
“We’ll see. I’ve got a week or so to change your mind.”
“You lost the leverage of loyalty when you walked me out the door, and as far as I know, the board hasn’t called for Carl’s termination, thus, there’s no vacancy upstairs. Now, if you’ll let me get to work, I’ll be out of your hair in no time.”
Was that sadness that flashed across his face? Like me, he’d never been one to show his emotions. The only emotion that ever broke through was the frustration that was hard for him to hide when his face reddened, and that vein popped out on his forehead.
“I’d like an update before end of day.” He turned and disappeared.
“Ms. Shaw, I’m ready to test your access,” Beth said from behind me. “You just went toe to toe with the chairman of the board. Damn, you’re such a badass.”
Sue chuckled. “You’ve been back all of five minutes, and I see that your momma has taken over your spirit. Cold as ice. Definitely got that hard-ass CEO hat on today.”
“Correction, hard-ass consultant hat,” I said.
❖
The information I’d put together for the merger packet looked to have been hidden or deleted from the system, at least within the accounting department’s files. Beth went to work on recovering my archived files, but in the meantime, Sue and I simply had to recompile the data and create the final quarterly report, along with the glossy, colorful annual report for the board and the SEC.
Putting the information together was more difficult than I remembered. Not because I’d forgotten what to do or where to get the data, but because my focus wasn’t there. Here and there, day after day, I’d catch myself staring at the numbers, but my mind was out on the trail. I wondered how many miles Leslie, Bobber, and Cricket had covered. I’d been back for four days, which meant they could have traversed anywhere from sixty to more than eighty, depending on how hard they’d pushed. Knowing Leslie’s pace when she was deep in thought, it could be closer to a hundred. My body was already sick of sitting in a chair all day, and my muscles twitched to be out there with them.
I’d also missed one of the photos from Leslie’s mom’s journal. I knew this because a text arrived the day before, shortly after lunch, with a photo attached. I saved it to my AT album and stared at it until my screen timed out and turned black. The text was from Cricket instead of Leslie, not that Cricket understood the significance of the picture or the pose, but I was happy she thought to share it with me.
Leslie held the Rocky pose that her mom was so fond of. Her smile was forced, and her eyes were filled with sadness. More than anything, her expression made me want to reach out and pull her into my arms. I hadn’t heard from her yet. Deep down, I understood her silence. After all, the ball was in my court. I was the one who’d left and the longer I was home, the more I struggled with what to do. Was it really so easy for her to cut off all communication? Meanwhile, I sat there like a teenager, checking my phone every five minutes, hoping it would ring, and her name would pop up on the screen. I missed her with all my heart, and even those words didn’t convey the depth of my feelings. Was this love? One thing for certain, I wanted the chance to find out.
“Sugar, you done got lost again, haven’t you?” Sue’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts.
“Yeah, sorry, I was just thinking.”
“I know you was just thinking, cause the clickety clack on the keyboard slows, then stops altogether. You’ve been chewing on something on and off since you’ve been back, and it became much worse after yesterday’s lunch. I’m about done waiting for you to talk to me.” Sue rose from her chair at the far end of the table and sat in the chair next to me. “Tell me, was I wrong to come get you?”
“No, you weren’t wrong. I needed to come back, and you know it. It is my name on the filing. Besides, I needed to know.”
She folded her arms and leaned back in her chair. She remained quiet, and I knew she was waiting for more. It was something she’d done for as long as I’d known her. When we’d started working together so many years ago, it hadn’t taken me long to realize that Sue had magical powers. It was like she was always playing a game of chess, and we were all just pieces on the board. She knew all the moves. Hell, she knew all the answers before a question was even asked. It was a gift that she’d chosen not to flaunt. Instead, she’d been content to be the master behind the curtain, or the coach standing on the sidelines, so to speak, and without a doubt, I was the player that had all the tools, and now it was a question of execution. Could I put everything together and come up with the answer she’d been privy to all along? Or would I flounder and need her guidance? Her expressions would tell me which scale I tipped. I swear she knows me better than I’ve ever known myself.
“Out there, I ignored it, just swept it all under the rug. I knew I had to deal with it, and I thought that maybe I had. Then, when I saw you and Grayson in the park, I realized that I still hadn’t, and now that I’m back, I feel pulled in different directions.” I turned my chair to face her, leaned back, and crossed one leg over the other.
She raised her eyebrows as if waiting for more.
“Being told I was too deep in the weeds and promoted beyond my skill set was a hard pill to swallow. Those words hurt. I was angry, and my ego was—”
“Kicked square in the balls?” Her pronunciation of balls was quite exaggerated, with a W somewhere midstream that made me laugh more than the figure of speech.
“Well, I was going to say bruised, but, yeah, all right, let’s go with kicked in the balls.”
“And how has being back turned you into the rope that’s being tugged on at each end?”
“Because there’s a part of me that wants the best of both worlds. The board might have felt like I was too deep in the weeds, but I was good at my job, and I’ve been missed. I think they can now see how my style worked, or at least enough people have said as much, and quite honestly, it feels good that they have regrets.”
“Grayson’s been down here several times a day asking what it will take to put you back upstairs. Does that mean you’re considering one of his proposals?”
“Yeah, well, that’s where I find myself getting angry all over again. You’d think they could at least match Carl’s salary if they really wanted me back. I think they’re just stalling until I finish the annual report, and then I’ll be dismissed all over again.” I sat there swimming in the melancholy of the moment. Grayson had been in the conference room several times each day, trying to negotiate between me and the board. So far, I’d declined each and every one of the offers. As much as he claimed that the board didn’t like Carl, they still treated me like a “less than” candidate by not even matching his contract. Not that I was sure I’d accept the position, but it would have been nice to turn down a decent offer.
“Okay, let me ask you this, if Grayson came in here right now and offered you double Carl’s salary to come back and lead this place, would ya do it?” She shot me a twitch of a smile. Yep, without a doubt, she already knew the answer.
“Double Carl’s salary would definitely make the statement I’ve been yearning for, however, that offer hasn’t come in, has it, my friend? Maybe this chapter of my life is over. All I know is that when this project is complete, I’m going back to finish my hike, and by my estimate, now that Beth has restored my old files for comparison, it should be complete and submitted by end of today. Leslie might just be right. I can’t go back, only forward.”
“That Leslie sounds like my kinda gal. So if you’re outta the building, are you outta Hartford altogether?”
“I’m not entirely sure. Coming back has me thinking that Hartford isn’t my home anymore. I’m not sure it’s ever been home. It’s been where I was expected to live because it’s where successful people live, and I wanted to be successful, didn’t I? Thank you for that, Mother.” I drew in a breath and allowed myself a second to choose my words. “I don’t regret my success or the choices I’ve made, but it hasn’t come without a cost, and I see that now. I’m proud of my accomplishments, but I’ll share a little secret: I achieved them to impress the wrong person and lost myself along the way. I’m done doing what’s expected of me. I’ve earned the right, and I have enough money, to do what I want to do. It’s time for me to focus on a different area of my life.”
Sue grinned that “I told you so” grin. “Does your momma know that you just sent her a great big giant fuck you? By the way, I like that Cricket gal, too.”
“No, I haven’t talked with my parents yet, but I will. They still haven’t returned my call telling them I was going hiking for six months. My decision doesn’t impact them, so I don’t expect them to care one way or the other.”
“Good on ya for breaking the chains.” She cocked her head. “Where do you go from here?”
“Nothing’s firm yet, but I have a little something in the works. I’ll let you know once it’s finalized so you can come visit. Know of anyone who might want to buy a penthouse?” I asked.
“Geez, I’d love to, but I’m a little too poor to paint and too proud to whitewash, so I’ll pass.”
“Great, another saying I’ll never get out of my head.” I nudged the wheel of her chair with my foot.
“For the record, I like the version of you that I saw coming up that trail in Virginia. You were unapologetically you. Laughing with your friends like you didn’t have a care in the world.” She leaned forward and reached for my hand. “I know you say that you haven’t put a label on it yet, but can I just say, love looks good on you, Amber. I’m happy for you. I think you found the gal who lights you up. Whatever you two do together, it’ll be amazing.”
Love. It was love, wasn’t it? One thing was certain. I didn’t like waking up without her next to me each morning. I’m sure I had that starry-eyed look I’d seen in countless rom-coms. Was I really one of those starry-eyed people now? Based on the look Sue was giving me, I’d say that was a safe bet.
“It feels good, and I miss her with every fiber of my being.”
“Then let’s get this report wrapped up and get you back to your gal.”
❖
Sue and I worked late to finish everything up and submitted the final numbers well before the deadline. Grayson didn’t seem too surprised when I said good-bye. Instead, he thanked me, handed me an envelope, and wished me well. I wished him the same, and it felt good to mean it. I also gave him a list of professionals I trusted to take care of the company I’d dedicated fifteen years to. No matter which direction the board went, I knew it would all work out for the best. It was a great company, and they’d make it through the transition. I left that day with my head held high. Walking away felt better this time around because this time, it was my choice, my decision.
Home didn’t feel so cavernous or claustrophobic once I’d decided it wasn’t much more than a short-term storage unit. I coordinated my surprise return with Cricket and called the corporate hangar about my flight. It was my turn to be waiting on a park bench when they walked into town. Cricket swore to keep my secret. Luckily, she wasn’t privy to all the details surrounding the surprise. I’d be back well before we reached McAfee Knob, and as far as I knew, I’d only missed one Mom photo.
I could only hope that Leslie welcomed me back with open arms.