Chapter 54
“Come in,” Ellinor said, opening the door for Tom. She looked pale but composed.
“We need to talk,” he said.
“If you like. Let’s sit.”
They each sat down in a chair.
“Why did you come to Stockholm?” he began.
“Don’t really know. I’ve really been thinking, up there in Kiruna. I panicked. You disappeared. I wanted to be here.”
“In Stockholm? Or with me?”
“Both. I missed our life, and I thought you did too.”
He’d thought the same. Had been convinced that he knew what love felt like and that Ellinor was the one he wanted.
“I got the impression you were happy with Nilas,” he said.
“And I was. But then you were gone and I suddenly felt completely suffocated up there. All I could think about was you and the life we used to have. It felt as if I’d thrown away all our years together.”
You did, he came close to saying, but it made no difference now, not to him.
She’d been in such a state in the car on the way back from the party—tired, sad, and drunker than he’d ever seen her. It was only once he was halfway home that he realized it wouldn’t work, that he couldn’t take Ellinor back to his place.
He had turned around and checked her into a suite at the Clarion Sign instead. Which was where she had been ever since. Alone. They talked and talked. Ellinor spoke as if it was obvious they would get back together and as though he should be ecstatic. But he wasn’t.
“We . . .” he began, but he trailed off, unsure of how to continue. It was so difficult; there were so many invisible threads that bound them together.
Though not anymore, he realized. Those threads had been cut, one by one.
“It was good for me to come here. I saw some friends, did a little shopping, sorted out a few things. I really regret cheating on you. You deserve better. I wanted to say that. I’m so sorry.”
“It doesn’t matter anymore,” he said, and he meant it.
“It was all about me, never you. I want you to know that. And I got my punishment,” she said, giving him a lopsided smile.
“What do you mean?”
“You forgave me so easily,” she said with a hint of something he had never heard from her before: bitterness. “All my friends said I should be grateful, but I just felt unimportant.”
“I can understand that.” Maybe it was a sign that he hadn’t felt all that much after all?
“I guess this is because of Ambra.”
Tom shook his head. It was important to him that no matter what happened in the future, he and Ellinor were a closed chapter. They didn’t belong together.
“I don’t even know if she wants me anymore. I haven’t been so good to her.”
“But do you want her?”
“Yes,” he said simply.
“She’s tough. Good, too.” Her eyes focused somewhere in the air. She was beautiful. And he didn’t feel a thing.
“Things were bad between us even before Nilas, weren’t they?”
“Yeah.”
It was the first time he had ever admitted it. But things had been bad between them. They hadn’t been able to talk, the mood was tense. On one level he’d probably known it was over even then. It was just that Ellinor had realized it a lot sooner. “That’s why I went to Chad. Not only that, of course, because it was an important job. But it felt good to get away.”
“We’ve been a big part of each other’s lives.”
“Yeah. And it was thoughts of you that kept me alive when I was being held prisoner. I created a dream image of you and our relationship. When I came home, I didn’t want to give that up, even though you had moved on.”
“I can understand that,” said Ellinor. “I’m sorry. That I acted like this. Maybe I can blame it on an early midlife crisis?”
“I want to apologize too. For acting so strange, for following you up there. That wasn’t cool. Thanks for your patience. And thanks for Freja. I hope I can keep her?”
“Of course. Having a dog suits you.”
“Are you going to tell Nilas why you were here?” he asked.
“Guess I may as well be honest. I’m flying home tonight, on the last plane.”
“Good luck,” he said, but he didn’t offer to give her a ride. “You deserve to be with someone who can love you with a full heart.”
“You too.”
Tom left the hotel room. It was over. Completely.