SHARI FELT HER heart sink to her stomach as a huge lump tightened her throat. Even though she’d suspected he might say something like that, actually hearing it was a hit to her heart. Calling on all her professionalism and training for appearing cool, calm, and collected on the job, she reached for her glass and took a few swallows of water. “Well. Before you make such a decision for both of us, do I get any explanation as to why?”
“Why what, exactly?” Evan asked.
“Why you’re spooked. Why you need space. Why you suddenly want us to stop seeing each other.” His silence set off the first spark of anger in her chest. “I don’t know, anything. After what we’ve had, I think I deserve that much.”
He nodded and let out a sigh. “Of course you do,” he murmured. “That, and much more.”
“Damn right,” she said, trying to maintain her cool front even though she felt sick to her stomach. “So tell me what’s going on.”
“I don’t know. I just feel all freaked out and weird and—”
“What happened when I left the room last night?” Shari leaned in on her elbows and fixed him with one of her steeliest stares. “Tell me. Now.”
A hint of color rose in his face, which stunned her. He rarely had physical tells like that. “They all loved you,” he began quietly. “They really did.”
That wasn’t what she’d expected him to say. The tiny burst of pleased warmth that shot through her at his words made her both sad and even more frustrated. “That’s nice. I liked them all, too. Go on.”
He reached for his beer. “Then . . . they all got on me about getting married.” He took a sip. “About you and me getting married. They all seem to think we should.”
A chill skittered over Shari’s skin. “I see.”
They sat in uncomfortable silence for a few seconds that felt like minutes.
“You should be flattered.” He tried to grin. “I mean, one short meeting, and they were so enamored with you they were ready to pick out china patterns.”
She didn’t move. “I take it you didn’t agree with them. And felt pressured.”
He nodded, his gaze sliding down to the table. “More than I realized. Once I started thinking about it . . .”
The more he hemmed and hawed, the more her annoyance turned into something sharper. “Have I ever even mentioned marriage?” she asked. “Pressured you in any way? Because as far as I know, I haven’t. We haven’t talked about it at all.”
“You’re right,” he said. “I’m telling you, Shari, it’s nothing you’ve done. As lame as it sounds, it’s not you, it’s totally me.”
“Oh, I know that. Believe me.” She stared as her mind worked, going over his words. Then it clicked. “Ahhh. I got it now. Your family freaked you out, and now . . . what?” Her eyes narrowed. “You suddenly think you have to ask me to marry you or something? And you don’t want to, so you’re running for the door?”
“No. I . . . I don’t know.” His voice had an edge this time. He took a longer swig of beer.
She continued to stare at him. His family, though likely well-meaning, had Evan twisted in knots. It was almost ludicrous . . . but for him to be this thrown off his axis, maybe this was only the surface issue of something more. “Evan. Do you think I expect that of you? You think I want a proposal or I’m leaving, posthaste?”
“No. Maybe. I don’t know.”
“I’m getting really sick of your saying ‘I don’t know,’ ” she ground out. “You’re a smart guy, Evan. Smart, focused, and driven. You always know what you want.”
“Maybe suddenly I don’t.” He scrubbed his hands over his face and huffed out a frustrated breath. “The thing is, Shari, I should tell you what I told them: I don’t know if I ever want to get married. Not like I don’t know if I want to marry you, but like I don’t know if I want to marry at all.”
With her heart suddenly pounding, she sat back in her chair. “Well. Thanks for letting me know. After seven months.”
“Shari—” he began.
“You know what?” she cut in. “I’ve never brought up marriage, and we’ve been together for seven months now. But yeah, I’ve thought about it. Who wouldn’t?”
“Of course,” he said. “Perfectly natural. I understand.”
“No, Evan, I don’t think you do.” Her chest felt too tight, but she continued. “We’ve been involved in a serious, committed relationship. We spend all of our free time together, precious as it is for either of us. Usually, that makes people think it could lead to something even more serious. Especially if one takes the other to their childhood home to meet their entire family.” She saw his eyes flash at that. “So if there was nowhere for this to go beyond a certain point, don’t you think perhaps you could’ve clued me in sooner? Like, I don’t know, at the beginning?”
His eyes flew wide. “What does that even mean? I should’ve promised you we’d end up married, or you wouldn’t have dated me in the first place?”
“No!” She snorted and shook her head at him, even as she felt her blood race in her veins. “Of course not. But you know what? If I knew you never intended to get married, that there were definite limitations, maybe I wouldn’t have let myself invest so deeply in a relationship that was doomed to leave me wanting. That I knew it would eventually have to end, because we weren’t looking for the same things down the road.” She realized her hands were shaking and folded them in her lap. “That was incredibly selfish of you, to wait all these months to tell me how you feel about marriage, that there were parameters. Do you even realize that?”
“Whoa.” A muscle jumped in his clenched jaw as he stared. “That . . . wow.”
She ignored the wounded look on his face and drew a shaky breath. “I love you, Evan,” she said. “But you know what? After this conversation, I’m in agreement with you. A breather is a great idea. For both of us.”
His lips flattened into a hard line and his dark eyes speared her.
“Don’t look at me like that,” she said. “That’s what you wanted, right? Some space for a while? Well, guess what? Funny thing is, now I want that, too. Starting right now.” She stood and reached for her coat.
“Wait. Don’t leave like this,” he said, bolting to his feet.
“You wanted space,” she reminded him calmly as she pulled on her coat. He reached for her elbow but she backed away from his touch. “You asked for time to think. I’m sorry, Evan, but now I need that, too. Suddenly, you’re not the only one who thinks maybe we should stop seeing each other.” Shari grabbed her tote bag and walked away from him with quick, long strides, not looking back.
She burst out of the restaurant, knowing she’d need to cry and had nowhere private to do it. She’d be damned if she found a place in the office building she shared with him. So she walked farther up the sidewalk, turned into a McDonald’s, went straight to the bathroom and locked herself in a stall.
The flood of emotions rose up and crashed down on her, and she sobbed hard. She felt stupid and ridiculous, for leaving herself so open and vulnerable to someone who’d never intended to commit to anything beyond what they presently had. She felt betrayed, and even a little used. She also felt mean, for not being more sympathetic to him. Maybe he’d just needed her to hear him out, and if she’d been there for him, he would have . . . no. No. She’d heard him just fine: he didn’t want to ever get married. So where did that leave them? She wanted to get married and have a family one day. She wasn’t willing to throw away that lifelong desire to stay with someone who didn’t want the same thing.
Even if she was completely, helplessly in love with him. Dammit. She’d hoped for . . . well, she’d hoped. She cried harder. God, this hurt. Her heart felt like it was actually squeezing in her chest, trapped in a vise, and it was hard to catch her breath.
Ten minutes later she emerged from the stall, cleaned up her face, and headed back to the office. Work was going to be a blissful way to isolate herself tonight . . . and every night for the foreseeable future, apparently.
EVAN STARED AT the computer screen, seeing nothing. As he’d watched Shari walk stiffly away from him, his insides seized up, and he instantly knew he’d done the wrong thing. He’d hurt her, and the burn of that wouldn’t go away no matter what he did. The look on her face . . . it made him shudder to think of it.
He was crazy in love with her. Why the hell had he pushed her away?
With a sigh, his head dropped into his hands.
His cell phone started ringing and he glanced at the caller ID. His mother. Wonderful. One of the last people on earth he wanted to talk to just then. He let it go to voice mail, along with the calls from his brother and sister from that morning. All of them calling to beam at him about how great Shari was, how nice a night it had been, yada yada. What should he say to them now? Hi, guys. Well, I’m a grown man, but thanks to last night’s grilling session, I flipped out like a scared kid and pushed away the best woman I’ve ever known? Yeah, that’d go over big.
His office line buzzed. Seeing it was one of the assistants, he answered. “Hey Katie, what’s up?”
“I have Meredith Andrews on line two. Are you available?”
“Sure, I’ll take it.” He cleared his throat before saying to his client, “Hi Meredith, how are you?”
“Not so great,” she said glumly, which made a flicker of wonder spark in his head. For a woman in the midst of an ugly divorce, she was usually pretty calm, almost upbeat. He’d never heard her sound upset, like she did now. “He’s giving me a hard time about the holidays. He wants the kids for Christmas and New Year’s. I thought we’d agreed that he would have one holiday and I’d have the other. He’s being . . . really difficult.” She drew a shaky breath, and he could swear he could hear the tears forming in her eyes. “I’m just so tired of this.”
“I’m sure you are. I’m sorry to hear you so down,” Evan said, reaching for a pen and pad to scribble notes. Fifteen billable minutes later he ended the call and made a few more notes while they were fresh in his head. Meredith had predicted from the day she retained him that her ex would make everything as difficult as possible, and unfortunately for her, she’d been right. What should have been an open and shut case had dragged on for over a year and a half. The guy just wouldn’t let it go smoothly, and his attorney had found ways to stall and throw up ridiculous roadblocks at every turn. When this case was eventually settled—and it would be—Evan intended to get Meredith everything she was entitled to, everything she deserved, and then some. It just all took time, and her patience and positive outlook were wearing thin. He didn’t blame her.
Meredith’s teary voice echoed in his head: I just don’t understand why he’s being like this. I really don’t understand.
Something about the sadness in her voice and the words she’d said had caught like a hook in his gut. It was very likely the exact thing Shari was thinking about him right now, possibly including the tears, and it made his stomach clench.
Time and space. He thought he needed that, he’d asked for that, and she’d given it to him. And the truth was out about how he felt about marriage. He should be relieved. Grateful, even. So why did he just feel vaguely nauseous?
A group IM came up on his screen. From Jeff, one of his coworkers whom he hung out with sometimes, to about ten of the other guys. Anyone up for beers tonight?
Hell yes, Evan typed in immediately.
SHARI’S CELL PHONE was ringing. Still half asleep, she rolled over in bed and looked at the screen. It was Evan, and it was one in the morning. She debated whether to answer it. Her heart tugged, wanting to hear his voice. But her brain answered sternly, No way. She let the call go to voice mail, then turned the phone off altogether. Her mind now filled with thoughts of him, missing him terribly, it took her almost half an hour to fall back to sleep.
When her alarm went off at six-thirty, she groaned herself awake. She didn’t have to be at work until nine, but she’d planned to work out in the gym early. Now, she reset the alarm for seven-thirty and went back to sleep. The hour seemed to rush by in a blink; was that damn alarm going off already? She slammed her hand down on it to silence it and made herself wake up. The first thought in her head was of Evan, as usual. But today it brought a searing pang of sadness with it instead of her usual smile. They’d broken up. Kind of. She wasn’t even exactly sure what they were at this point; but the one thing she was sure of was they weren’t together like they had been.
Remembering how he’d called her in the middle of the night, she turned on her phone, intending to listen to whatever voice mail he may or may not have left. And it almost blew up in her hand with all the beeps. “What the hell . . . ?” she murmured, looking at her phone. There were about ten text messages. All from Evan. Her stomach roiled and her heart stuttered in her chest. With a mixture of wariness and hope, she started reading through them.
Hi, it’s me. So . . . where are you at 1:07 a.m. that you’re not answering your phone? Hope you’re just sleeping. I just wanted to hear your voice.
I’m out with some of the guys from work. Beers at McCabe’s Pub. I think you’d like this place. I didn’t pick it, Jeff did. If I knew we’d be coming here, I wouldn’t have come. Because this place reminds me of you. And now I really miss you.
Shari’s throat thickened as she continued reading the texts.
Hi, me again. Getting pretty drunk now. Yes, drunk texting is poor form. But I haven’t stopped thinking about you, and I wanted you to know that. In case you thought I wasn’t thinking of you. I am. All the time.
Shari, I know I hurt you today, and I’m so sorry. Wish I could redo it. The whole thing. I’m really sorry. I don’t blame you for being pissed at me. Maybe we can talk again soon?
Gotta remind you of something, Ms. Cohen. Just because I was a dumbass and thought I needed time and space doesn’t mean I stopped loving you. I haven’t. I do. And I’m sorry if I’ve made you doubt that.
Shari wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. Evan must’ve been drunk off his ass when he sent all the texts. But now he was making declarations of love? How about doing that sober? She could swear her heart rate had skyrocketed in under ten seconds.
Heeey. I just almost got into a fistfight with Alex because he said you were gorgeous. I told him not to go near you and kind of got in his face. It wasn’t good. Plus, I just outed us to all the guys, and we’re not even seeing each other anymore. Because I was stupid. This stupid guy loves you, Shari. Please don’t go out with Alex. Don’t go out with anyone. Give me time. Okay?
She wanted to laugh at that text, but tears stung her eyes as her heart squeezed with longing.
Drunk. So very drunk. Leaving now. Don’t worry, taking a cab home. Want to take it right to your door, but I know you wouldn’t let me in. Best for you, anyway, since I’d probably slobber all over you and beg forgiveness . . .
Just got home. Gonna fall into bed. I know I’m annoying you now, sorry. I just miss talking to you. I miss YOU, and it hasn’t even been 24 hours. There’s got to be a way we can work this out. Can we please talk tomorrow? I’ll text you. I love you, Shari. I love you so much.
The tears spilled over and she wiped them away impatiently. She took a long, deep breath and expelled it, then another one. Evan had hurt her deeply. If he wanted to talk, she was willing to listen . . . but not yet. No way. She needed to get her armor in place first; she felt way too vulnerable.
How had everything gone so wrong so fast?
With a sigh, she got out of bed and headed for the shower.