The five of them assembled in the field near where the portal was supposed to be. Kaley couldn’t see it because she had not a single drop of Wanderer blood in her. Mecca was beaming at her, looking gorgeous and vibrant and full of possibilities.
Tainted. The word continued to haunt her. Any children she might have with Mecca would have a bloodline so diluted that it was difficult to imagine they would receive any powers at all. Intuition was a good talent to have, especially if there were going to be enemies.
She would forever be hunted by the Authorities and dependant on Wanderers of greater bloodlines to take them along in their travels, or upon Mecca’s ability to keep her safe. If they ever separated, she would be alone and without any support to help her survive. If they stayed together, any children they had would be condemned by their actions, even if they settled down. She would always wonder about who would be turning up at her door.
She couldn’t live like that.
She loved Mecca but Kaley didn’t believe she was strong enough to brave the perils of multiple unknown worlds ahead. Her life had already changed enough. She could accept a strange home but she couldn’t accept no home at all.
She’d told Ronika all of her fears and made her friend promise to help her if things didn’t go smoothly. Ronika had been reticent but finally agreed. Her opinion on the matter was clear when she’d made her goodbye.
Don’t come back.
If Kaley came back without Mecca, she would have to return to Earth early in order to escape Femme persecution. Helping Mecca escape would sever her opportunities with Femme but there was no asking him to stay. She loved him too much to hold him back. She would never be able to return to Femme but it wasn’t a place she wanted to experience again. It was beautiful, yes, but there was beauty on Earth, too. And there were other worlds.
What fantastic things Mecca would see. What an exciting life he would lead. If she was braver, she would be at his side. Yet there was a persistent nagging doubt about whether they would last. If she went with him, there would be an intense stress on their relationship. It was such a new and budding connection that she knew it needed nurturing, not life-threatening risk. Their biggest drawback was her, where beneath the honeymoon enamourment she could feel darker concerns. If he felt them persist beneath her trust and love for him, he might become resentful. Her heart believed in him so much that it hurt. Her head was more reasonable, more logical. She was tired of constantly second-guessing herself. She wanted to be sure about their love and knew she never would be. They were too different.
Leaving him here and now, she knew there would be regret. She would yearn for Mecca in his absence and always think about the opportunity lost. The worst part was if she travelled with him, she might lose him the same way her mum had lost her dad. She would rather think of him as he was now; excited and vital, starting a new life, gaining new opportunities. He would meet someone else. He would fall in love again. He was lovely, he was smart and he was on a path she couldn’t take.
As they held hands with one another, she thought he’d suspected it all along. Bishop knew because he was an Intuit. Mecca hadn’t seen the truth because he hadn’t wanted to.
The three Wanderers were already linking hands for the journey. Before Mecca took Meryl’s outstretched hand, he turned to her. His sad smile squeezed her heart.
“I can feel your fears, eating at you like acid,” he said quietly. She was shocked at the description and felt his hand tighten on hers, like he thought she might pull it away. “I know you doubt me and so your courage must be stronger than mine. All I can do is tell you I love you and hope it will be enough to chase those doubts away.”
“Mecca, don’t make this harder than it has to be,” she said, her eyes hot and itchy. She held his hands even while knowing she should let go. When the first tears fell, her voice became croaky but she didn’t care. “I’m not strong enough.”
“You are, Kaley. You do not believe in yourself the way I do because this world has knocked you down, your friends have knocked you down. You measure yourself against things that do not matter. All that matters is what is in here,” he touched his chest first then hers, taking her hand along for the ride. His hand felt soft and warm upon her breast and she was sure he would feel her heart hammering beneath his palm. The flimsy material of her top would do little to conceal it.
“Mecca,” she said, shaking her head and openly sobbing. “I don’t believe our love will last.”
He looked hurt by her words and she had to finish it.
“I know you can feel that I love you, but you’re not enough for me.”
“Kaley, do not do this,” he begged. He tried to pull her into an embrace but she shoved him away so that he wouldn’t persist. She managed to break their contact completely and it was suddenly easier to yell at him.
“You’re not worth the risk!”
She clapped her hands over her mouth, hating what she’d just said.
Mecca stared at her, frozen without reply. Perhaps he was waiting for her to retract her words, to apologise and beg for forgiveness. She had no idea how long he would have stood there looking at her because Bishop came over and took his hand. Mecca allowed himself to be led away.
Kaley felt as though her insides had been scooped out. She cried into her hands, her vision blurred and her nose blocked as Mecca and Bishop walked the short distance away from her to where Ava and Meryl waited.
As they drew closer together Kaley could feel herself shaking with the force of her sobs. Her mouth was still covered; half because she hated what she’d said and half because she was afraid she would retract it.
One of the Wanderers reached out a hand and the four of them were gone.
There was no dazzling white light, no sounds other than the shushing of tall grass in the wind and a few songbirds in the trees. Kaley blinked her surprise and then it was too hard for her to stand. Her legs lost their strength and she dropped to her knees in the field. She covered her face and curled up into a ball, crying for what she’d pushed away.
She loved him enough to let him go. She hoped he would understand and forgive her. She hoped she would forgive herself.
Ronika found her that way. She said very little and Kaley barely heard. The ocean had transported itself into her ears, waves of white noise washing over her. Kaley and her suitcase were both delivered to the Portal terminal. Ronika did a lot of talking on her behalf but Kaley wasn’t surprised to find that departing Femme was a great deal easier than arriving. She was aware that Ronika was using her sorry state as an excuse for why she was leaving—that she’d failed to get nominated for work sponsorship.
Taking the globe pill handed to her was a mercy. This time she didn’t battle the drowsiness that stole over her. She was eager to surrender her consciousness and to let sleep be the haven from love not just lost, but released.