By some miracle, I managed to avoid Noah the whole next day—and Lee. I messaged Levi a little, neither of us mentioning the kiss; I was relieved things were (relatively) normal between us. After a while, I turned off my cell phone and spent a few hours online surfing through the Black Friday sales, and then watched a movie with my dad and brother before helping Brad with some homework because I was so desperate for any kind of distraction.
When I turned my phone on before dinner, I had a couple of texts. One was from Levi; another three were from Lee asking me to reply already or was I actually mad at him for something; one from Rachel, asking me to please get back to Lee because he was worrying about me but didn’t want to come over in case I was pissed at him for some reason; and another from Noah, asking if I could please reply to him, that he just wanted to talk to me before he went back to college.
I replied to Lee first.
I kept it vague, just apologizing for not getting back sooner, saying that I hadn’t spoken to Noah yesterday after dinner and that I’d just needed space today.
Then I texted Rachel to let her know I’d replied to Lee and to ask how her Thanksgiving had been. I replied to Levi, too—his had only been something about a quiz he found called “Which classic Thanksgiving dish are you?”
I hesitated, looking at Noah’s previous texts.
And I ignored them.
So what if all he wanted was to apologize for his behavior yesterday and for bringing Amanda home with him when that was totally insensitive? So what if he wanted to apologize for how things ended between us and for keeping things from me? I didn’t want to hear from him. Not even that. I needed him out of my life for a while to get over him, and if that meant pushing him away when he was just trying to be nice, then so be it.
After dinner (leftover yams, carrots, and bean sprouts that June had sent my dad home with, and meat loaf), we were back in the living room channel surfing, none of us able to agree on what to watch, when the doorbell rang.
My dad glanced at me before saying, “I’ll get it.”
Like he thought it’d be Noah.
And, to be totally honest, I thought it was, too. If he was so desperate to talk to me, there was nothing stopping him from coming over here to talk face to face when I ignored his texts. But then I told myself maybe it was Lee—because why wouldn’t it be Lee?
I could tell it wasn’t either of them, though, from the look my dad gave me as he put his head around the door. “Elle, you’ve, er, got a visitor,” he said, looking as confused as I felt.
I stood up and walked into the hallway. Was it Levi, maybe? Or—
Or not.
“Oh. Um…uh, hi,” I stammered, facing a smiling, rosy-cheeked Amanda. Her hair was braided, but the wind had blown a few strands free around her face.
I wanted to be mad at her just for looking so damn pretty, even windswept.
“Hey. I was, um, hoping we could talk, if that’s okay? I don’t mean to intrude or anything, but I thought it’d be a bit weird to just call.”
“No, that’s, um, that’s fine.” I gave my dad a look, and he ducked back into the living room, closing the door.
What was she doing here?
And what could she possibly want to talk about?
I composed myself. “Can I get you a drink?”
“Some water would be great, please.”
She said water so weird.
“Sure.”
She followed me into the kitchen, and I handed her a glass of water. We stood facing each other, and I flexed out my fingers nervously. My heart thundered, and I swallowed the lump in my throat, uneasy.
“I know this is probably very strange for you, but I wanted to talk about Noah.”
Well, there wasn’t much else that she could want to talk to me about, but still—what the hell?
I just looked at her, waiting, not knowing what to say.
Amanda sipped her water and then dropped her shoulders back, as if squaring herself for something. Was she here to tell me to back off? Insist that I keep away from Noah or something? Tell me to get over him already and stop mooning around like some silly little girl?
“Why won’t you talk to him?”
“What?”
Okay, whatever I’d expected, that was not it.
Far from it.
“He didn’t send me over here or anything like that, but I just thought…well, I thought maybe you could talk to me if you couldn’t talk to him. He really misses you, you know. And I know he feels bad about what happened between you, and about yesterday. For goodness’ sake, all he’s been able to talk about since we booked flights to come was what he was going to say to you. You’re all he talks about. I understand that you probably don’t want to see him, but he really does just want to talk. He says you deserve an explanation.”
I stared at her, gaping, for probably a full minute. Maybe more.
Amanda, looking awkward for a change, sipped some more water and looked around the kitchen.
“I don’t get it,” I said finally. “Why are you talking to me about this?”
“I know, I know it’s not really my place, but I care about Noah, and he’s really cut up about what happened, so I thought—”
“Yeah, yeah, you thought you’d try to get me to talk to him. I just don’t get why you care. I mean, I thought…you guys…It just doesn’t make any sense.”
She stared at me for a moment, a quizzical expression on her pretty face.
Shit, was she really going to make me say it?
“I don’t get why this is such a big deal to you now you guys are, you know…a thing.”
Amanda made a weird choking noise, her eyes blown wide, and her hand flew to her mouth. A giggle escaped her lips. “Oh my God. He didn’t tell you, did he. He didn’t tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
“Oh shit. Sorry. I mean…No, it’s…” She looked flustered, her hands waving around her erratically, and she bit her lip between words. Finally, she composed herself, looking calm and collected and…and like she was almost about to laugh. “We’re definitely not a thing. We never were.”
Now it was my turn to look like an idiot and gawp at her. Her face was open, sincere, her blue eyes wide and apologetic.
“Honestly. I thought he told you. I mean…he never said he told you, but I thought he must have. He said you thought we were together and that was part of the reason you guys broke up, but I assumed he told you we weren’t.”
“I mean, he said you were…friends. He said you were lab partners. That you were close and I wouldn’t get it. And he brought you home for Thanksgiving.”
“Yes, because he didn’t want me to stay on my own back at school. We are close. You try spending hours in labs and classes with someone and not bonding. Of course he invited me for Thanksgiving when he heard I planned to spend it alone in the dorms. He’s a nice guy.”
“No kidding,” I said, my voice sounding weird, like it didn’t belong to me. It sounded detached, and flat, and not half as confused as I felt right now.
“Oh, God, I can’t believe this. No wonder you looked so awkward yesterday. I thought it was just because of Noah. I didn’t think it was because you thought we were together. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” I said in the voice that didn’t sound like mine.
“I didn’t even think. I’m so sorry, Elle. But I promise you, there’s nothing going on with us. There never has been. He’s like…He’s like a little brother or something. Kind of helpless. You know he can barely work out how to do his own laundry? He tries to wingman for me at parties, set me up with guys.”
I didn’t know what to do with this information.
I tried to digest it, but the words just swirled around in my head. I felt numb. My mouth had gone dry.
“He feels awful about what happened with you two. And about yesterday. He was really upset about you leaving. He went to go and look for you, but he said he couldn’t find you. I don’t know if he means to just clear the air so you can both move on or what. He wasn’t really in the mood to talk to me or Lee about it yesterday.”
I stared at her a while longer.
“You’re not together.”
“No.”
“You’re not his girlfriend.”
“No. Trust me, he’s not my type.”
I stared again.
Oh my God.
What the fuck had I done?
“I’m really sorry if I’ve made things weird now,” Amanda said nervously. “I thought you knew. I thought maybe you just didn’t want to talk to him because you were angry with him, or just really upset, or…”
I shook my head.
She reached over to squeeze my hand. “I feel awful. I’m so sorry, Elle.”
“No, don’t, it’s…it’s not your fault. He should’ve told me. Okay, I mean…he…he did. He told me there was nothing going on with you two, but I didn’t believe him. That was when we broke up. He hasn’t spoken to me since.”
“He’s sort of clueless when it comes to girls,” Amanda said. “He acts like a womanizer and he’s just not. He’s like a lost puppy. He acts like a badass out on the football field and then he watered my fern for me when I went on a trip to DC for the weekend.”
I laughed, and it seemed to take some of the weight off my chest.
Amanda smiled, too. “So, will you talk to him?”
“I…”
I faltered. Okay, so they weren’t together, but that didn’t change the fact that he hadn’t tried to talk to me since the breakup, and he hadn’t really talked to me yesterday. He hadn’t bothered to warn me he’d be bringing Amanda home for the holidays, whether they were together or not. If anything, he’d done it knowing I believed they were a thing.
Plus…if it wasn’t Amanda he’d been hiding from me, what was it?
“I don’t know. It’s complicated.”
She nodded with a sympathetic smile. “That’s okay. I understand. He probably won’t, but can I let him know you’ll talk to him when you’re ready to?”
“Thanks. I guess.”
“I’m really, really sorry,” she said again.
“What for?”
“Well, I know that I was one of the problems between you guys. He told me about the photo. And I’m sorry I didn’t say yesterday that we weren’t together. I honestly thought you knew. It might’ve made you feel less…well, it might’ve made you feel better yesterday. I bet it was pretty rubbish thinking he’d brought his new girlfriend home so soon after you guys split.”
“ ‘Rubbish’ doesn’t even begin to cover it.”
Amanda laughed. “Yes. Well, I’ll get out of your hair. Thanks for the water.”
“No problem.”
I walked her to the door, and as she was stepping outside, I said, “Amanda?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks. For telling me. And explaining.”
“Of course. I’ll see you around!” she added in the bubbly, cheerful tone she’d used all yesterday, and she gave me an equally bright grin before walking down the street.
I still felt stunned when I went back into the living room. My dad pounced immediately, muting the movie. Brad shouted “Hey!” but my dad didn’t react.
“What did she want?”
“Was it Noah’s new girlfriend?” Brad asked, forgetting about the TV.
“She’s…she’s not…They’re not together.”
My dad raised his eyebrows, but he didn’t actually look too surprised. “Huh.”
Brad said, “Does that mean you’re going to be his girlfriend again now?”
“I don’t think so. I don’t know. We didn’t…She just wanted…”
Dad said, “I thought you said they were dating.”
“I thought they were. I mean, I just assumed…” Oh, man. I’d been such an idiot. I should’ve trusted him. I should’ve believed him.
“Yeah. Well. What’re you going to do? Are you going to talk to him?”
I huffed, pursing my lips for a moment. “I don’t know, Dad, jeez.”
“I just don’t want you to do anything stupid.”
“What, like get back together with him?”
“No, like get your heart broken again.”