IT WAS A COMFORTABLE flight, serene and reflective, up the San Joaquin Valley, following the river, cruising low over green farms, passing familiar towns—Bakersfield, Fresno, Turlock, Stockton—a time to sip good beer and float back into the past, to orient one’s self to the emotion of returning home. My thoughts were of my father, for he was an old man now; his days were thinning out, and the less time remaining the more rebellious he got, whereas it seemed that my mother, despite her failing eyesight, rheumatic fingers and backache, would be with us for many years to come.
My father would have been a happier man without a family. Were it not for his four children he would have been divorced and long gone to other towns. He loved Stockton, which was full of Italians, and Marysville, where one could play the Chinese lottery day and night. His children were the nails that crucified him to my mother. No kids and he would have been as free as a bird.
He did not like us particularly, and certainly he did not love us at all. We were just ordinary kids, plain and undistinguished, and he expected more. We were chores that had to be done, not a rich harvest, not asparagus or figs or dates, but humbler fare, potatoes and corn and beans, and he was stuck with the toil of it, cursing and kicking clods until the crops matured.
He was a hard-nosed, big-fisted mountain man from Abruzzi, short, five feet seven, wide as a door, born in a part of Italy where poverty was as spectacular as the surrounding glaciers, and any child who survived the first five years would live to eighty-five. Of course, not many reached the age of five. He and my Aunt Pepina, now eighty and living in Denver, were the only two out of thirteen who had survived. That way of life gave my father his toughness. Bread and onions, he used to boast, bread and onions—what else does a man need? That was why my whole life has been a loathing of bread and onions. He was more than the head of the family. He was judge, jury and executioner, Jehovah himself.
Nobody crossed him without a battle. He disliked almost everything, particularly his wife, his children, his neighbors, his church, his priest, his town, his state, his country, and the country from which he emigrated. Nor did he give a damn for the world either, or the sun or the stars, or the universe, or heaven or hell. But he liked women.
He also liked his work and half a dozen paisani who, like himself, were Italians in the dictator mold. He was a flawless craftsman whose imagination and intelligence seemed centered in his marvelously strong hands, and though he called himself a building contractor I came to regard him as a sculptor, for he could shape a rock into man or beast. He was a superb, swift, neat bricklayer as well as an excellent carpenter, plasterer and concrete builder.
He had great contempt for himself, yet was proud and even conceited. Nick Molise believed that every brick he laid, every stone he carved, every sidewalk and wall and fireplace he built, every gravestone he fashioned, belonged to posterity. He had a terrifying lust for work and a bitter squint at the sun which, in his view, moved too fast across the sky. To finish a job brought him deep sadness. His love for stone was a pleasure more fulfilling than his passion for gambling, or wine, or women. He usually worked far beyond quitting time, even into darkness, and he had a bad reputation among hod carriers and helpers for overworking them. He was always in bad standing with the bricklayers’ union.
The town of San Elmo was his Louvre, his work spread out for the world to see. He was angry that the town did not recognize his talents. Had the city council awarded him a medal or a scroll it might have changed his entire life. What the hell, every year the Chamber of Commerce passed out commendations to noteworthy citizens; they gave Cramer, the Ford distributor, a scroll for Man of the Year, and they gave another to G. K. Laurel, the druggist—so how come they never took notice of what Nick Molise had done for their asshole town?
A consistent breadwinner, my father had a problem—he never brought the bread home. The poker game at the Elks Club had sucked up thousands of dollars over the years. I remember him counting out seven hundred and eighty dollars for the completion of a stone house, piles of tens and twenties on the kitchen table as he wet a pencil with his tongue and marked the numbers on a piece of paper. When my mother asked for money to buy groceries he offered her five dollars, his face wincing in pain as she stuffed it into her apron. His credit status among merchants was disgraceful, for he never paid his bills unless backed to the wall. He didn’t believe in banking. He liked the sensuality of a big roll of greenbacks in his pocket. He flashed the money, a big shot, and predators in the saloons licked their chops, waiting for him to take a seat at the gaming tables. The Elks Club, the Onyx, the Café Roma, Kelly’s—all the dives beside the railroad tracks on Atlantic Street. Nick drifted from one to another, trying to change his luck—poker at the Elks, blackjack at Kelly’s, pinochle at the Café Roma, and finally, down to his last dollar or so, a penny hearts game in the lobby of the Elmo Hotel. Tenacious, tireless, expectant, he hung in there until his pockets were empty. Then he stumbled home, weary and debauched from wine, falling upon the bed, where my mother pulled off his clothes and searched his pockets, finding nails, matches, the stub of a pencil, but never so much as a dime.
Next morning he was on the job an hour before his fellow workers arrived, sweat oozing through his shirt as he screened sand or mixed mortar, or hefted a hod of brick to the scaffold, dangerous as a dog with distemper, sick with the nausea of his own affliction. Why this passion for gambling? Virgil believed it stemmed from his poverty in childhood. But that was too easy an explanation. I believed it was his rage at the world, his desire for triumph over the Establishment, his immigrant sense of being an outsider.
But he never had a chance, for he was a miserable player, desperate, terrifying, playing a pair of deuces like a pat hand, never backing down, raising and reraising the bet until his last chip was pushed into the pot. Of course luck was with him sometimes, when he won everything in sight and broke up the game. Exultant, laughing, he bought drinks on the house and hurried off down Atlantic Street to another game, for he could not quit. He had to go on until his final destruction, like a man determined to sacrifice himself to a fatal passion. Many was the night when Mama, knowing he carried a large sum of money after the completion of a job, sent us to search for him in one of the saloons. We never got to him, for he had established a rule with the house man: his kids were not allowed in the back room where the gamblers gathered.
Sometimes in the evenings after supper my father would trap one of us boys as we sat on the front porch and he came swinging out the door, pausing to light a long black Toscanelli and snapping, “Okay, kid. On your feet. Let’s go.”
“Where to?”
“Follow me.”
Down the street he’d move on quick feet as I hurried to keep pace. It was the Grand Tour, the complete works of Nick Molise. Everybody took it except Mama and my sister. Apparently he regarded it as inappropriate for women.
In those days San Elmo was a town of twelve thousand split by railroad tracks down the middle, the business district and the aristocrats on one side, the railroad machine shops, the roundhouse and the peasants on the other. My father’s first stop on the tour was across town in the neighborhood of the rich, where the public library was situated, a white brick structure, pure New England, with four stone columns above a cascade of red sandstone steps.
Pausing across the street, hands on hips, his face softened reverently as he stared at the building.
“There she is, kid. Isn’t she pretty? You know who built her?”
“You did, Papa.”
“Not bad. Not bad at all.”
“It’s a beauty. Papa.”
“Last a thousand years.”
“At least.”
“Look at that stone, those steps. They flow like water.”
“Great.”
“Hell of a thing.”
He’d drop a hand on my shoulder. “Come on, kid. I got something else to show you.”
Then two blocks down May wood to the Methodist church with its stone steeple and the open bell tower, the ivy-covered stone walls. Five minutes of silent, ritualistic admiration, gazing up at the steeple, the air magical with my father’s joy, his eyes dancing at his handiwork, his face suffused with contentment.
“I did it,” he’d assert. “Yes, sir. I did it.”
“You sure did.”
Off and running again, chasing his heels. The City Hall. The Bank of California. Municipal Water and Power, Spanish-style, with adobe colonnades and a red tile roof. Haley’s Mortuary. The Criterion Theatre. The Fire Department, all red brick and spotless, with expanses of flawless concrete. On to San Elmo High School, with respectful pauses at places of interest—winding concrete walkways, drinking fountains.
“Stop, kid.” He’d block me with his hand. “Down at your feet. What does it look like?”
“Sidewalk.”
“Whose sidewalk?”
“Yours.”
“Wrong. It’s the people’s. Your father built it for them, to keep their feet dry.”
San Elmo High. Red brick. Immense stone stairs, and Papa, hands behind his back, squinting through cigar smoke as he gazed at what we kids came to call “the invisible marvel.”
“Notice anything?”
I’d shake my head. Just a damned school.
“Look careful. You can’t see it, you’ll never see it, but I’ll show it to you.”
My eyes would roll to the inscription across the front of the building. SAN ELMO HIGH SCHOOL. 1936.
“Not that!” he’d say, annoyed. “Look at the building! What’s special about it?”
“You built it.”
“What else? What is it you don’t see?”
“How do I know if I don’t see it?”
“You can—if you use your head.”
I’d move up to the school wall and touch it here and there, scanning it up and down and across, bored to death with his ego trip, playing out a silly game.
“Can’t see anything.”
“What you see is a building that’s been through four earthquakes. Now, look close and tell me what you can’t see.”
“Dead people.”
He’d shake his head in disgust. “You dumb jackass! I’m talking about cracks! Earthquake cracks. Find me a crack in those walls. Go ahead.”
“I can’t, because there aren’t any.”
“So, then. What is it in that building that’s plain to see because you can’t see it?”
“A crack.”
“Why?”
“Because you built it.”
He’d dig into his pocket. “Here’s a quarter. Don’t spend it all in one place.,
I’d take it and run, free at last.
Other times it was the graveyard tour at Valhalla Cemetery, just outside the city limits. It could happen unexpectedly on a Sunday afternoon, an agonizing ordeal if you were thirteen and scheduled to pitch against the Nevada City Tigers at two o’clock and it was already one-thirty, and he was oblivious to your uniform, your glove and your cleats as you followed him around, knowing the ball park was ten blocks across town.
Valhalla Cemetery was crowded with my father’s white marble angels, their wings unfolded, their arms and long fingers outstretched, hawk-faced and grim, a fearsome thrust about them like vultures protecting carrion. Wherever they perched, one got the feeling that they had already desecrated the graves.
Down the cypress-lined path was the enormous bust of Mayor Hal Shriner, stern and iron-jawed, the menacing, cruel countenance of a crooked politican staring down at you from a pedestal above the sunken grave, his eyes empty, a few bird droppings on his stony hair. My father would remove his hat and stare in wonder, like a man enchanted by Michelangelo’s David, while I’d pound my mitt in a frenzy.
“Nine years he’s been dead,” my father would muse. “Now he’s all gone, finished.” His eyes met the mayor’s. “Hello, Mayor, you old son of a bitch. How they treating you down there?”
I would stare out over a sea of tombstones and groan. There still seemed acres to traverse. The whole world had turned into a graveyard. What a way to warm up before a ball game! He knew why I seethed and festered, pawing the gravel with my spiked shoes, he knew, but he didn’t give a damn as he solemnly moved along the path to the gravestone of old Loretta Stevens, the librarian, fashioned like an open book, her vital statistics chiseled on a stony page.