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Gertie could picture her grandfather spinning in his grave as she and Harvey Chicoron made their way from the dock to her family’s cabin overlooking Loppinot Island. Her grandfather had loathed Edmund Chicoron, Harvey’s grandfather.
It had been years since Gertie had visited the land that her family inherited, along with a small cabin, when her grandfather passed ten years ago. The Chicorons had expressed interest in the land ever since, as they wanted to develop it into a resort fishing camp. Gertie’s parents had rebuffed every offer as had Barbara’s parents when the Chicorons offered to buy their inherited portions. Aside from Harvey being a terrible choice for Barbara, Gertie couldn’t bear the thought that if her cousin did marry Harvey, that part of her granddaddy’s land would eventually end up in Chicoron hands.
Harvey and Gertie walked side by side toward a grassy area beside the cabin. Her left hand clutched a small cool chest containing roast beef sandwiches and Jell-O salad. A folded blanket was under her right arm. Harvey held the bag of chips. Lazy son of a... She caught herself. She had promised Pastor Ray she’d curb her swearing. The clothesline incident had brought her up to her daily limit.
She caught Harvey casting glances at her ginormous breasts, which she tried to shake when she’d catch him looking. Big Eddie was right about him buying the Aqua Velva. He reeked of it.
“I don’t know why I failed to notice you all these years in school together, Gertie.”
“Well, the important thing is, we’re getting to know one another now.”
She pointed out the highlights of the land. “It’s one of the best spots around here for fishing. If you fixed up the cabin and advertised properly, it could be a nice rental. Bring in fishermen from all over the country.”
“Are you kidding?” he said, laughing. “That shows how little you know about business. My parents promised this land to me if they could ever get your parents to let it go, and I plan on a first-class resort. That puny cabin will be the first thing to go.”
She felt a flash of heartburn at that remark. He’d have this land over her dead body.
“And if things go as planned between your cousin Barbara and me, I could have both plots of land. And if you ask me, with it being just outside Sinful city limits, it would be a good place for a casino.”
She felt the wind getting knocked from her. How could Barbara not see that Harvey just wanted her for the land?
“But we’re not married yet,” said Harvey. His eyes wandered to Gertie’s amplified cleavage. “And there’s still fish out there in the bayou. Some mighty big fish. A man doesn’t stop fishing just because he caught one.”
She had to restrain herself from knocking him in the head with her cooler and then smothering him with her blanket. Though this was exactly what she wanted, it enraged her that it just took a roll and a half of itchy one-ply toilet paper to tempt Harvey away from her Cousin Barbara.
She pointed toward a soft patch of grass. “I thought we’d set our blanket down outside and have lunch first before I show you the cabin and rest of our property.” Ida Belle and Marge had arrived before them and were hiding inside the cabin, waiting for Harvey to get properly soused before coming out for the photo shoot.
She set the ice chest down on the ground and spread the blanket on the grass, feeling Harvey’s eyes on her as she bent over. She sat and patted the space next to her. Once he joined her on the blanket she opened the cooler. She was hungry and really wanted to dive into the sandwiches, but the sooner she got him plastered, the sooner they could do the photo shoot and go back home. Besides, if he had food in his stomach he’d barf all over her once he had too much to drink. She reached inside and pulled out a Thermos of Miss Louanne’s special brew.
“Why don’t we start with an aperitif? Whet our appetites.”
He sneered. “I hope to get your appetite... wet.”
“Well, aren’t you the charmer?” She poured a few sips worth of the clear liquid into the screw-on cup and held it out to him.
He smiled. “Is this hooch? Where have you been my whole life? I thought you were dullsville.”
“You might want to go easy with that,” she warned him. “Grown men have been known to go a little wild with just a few swigs.”
Her warning about him being a lightweight was meant as a challenge, one he readily took. “I am a grown man,” he said, grabbing the cup from her and taking a huge swallow.
His face froze for a moment. Then the coughing began as tears streamed down his face. A flush crept up his neck and invaded his cheeks.
“Maybe you should stop now,” she said as she grabbed the cup and poured two fingers worth into it.
Several gulps later and his speech began to slur. He set the cup down and eyed her cleavage and cocked his head. “You grew another pair.” His hand pawed at the air to the right of her.
“Why, silly boy.” She picked up the cup and poured a bit more into it. “My cousin Barbara is so lucky to have a classy man like you.”
“Who?” He laughed and took another sip from the cup.
She could feel the steam rising from her neck. Time to put this plan into overdrive. “Wouldn’t you know it.” She stood. “I forgot the mustard back in the boat. We can’t eat the sandwiches without mustard. You stay right here and I’ll be right back. And don’t you dare drink more of that while I’m gone.”
She rushed down the path, circling around to the side of the cabin, where she found Ida Belle and Marge leaving through a back door. Ida Belle was wearing Celia’s dress and a pair of dark sunglasses. A fake mole on her cheek and a tall helmet of thick, teased and sprayed hair completed the “Celia look.” A roll of toilet paper gave Ida Belle’s natural cleavage a hefty boost. A camera hung on a strap around Marge’s neck.
Gertie rolled her eyes as Harvey howled like a wolf from his spot on the blanket. “You’re up, Ida Belle,” she said. “You might want to wait until he’s out.”
Ida Belle shook her head. “Nah. I want to do a little psychological warfare on him. Be there when he falls.” She took a deep breath, walked around the cabin and approached Harvey, who at this point had taken his shirt off and was waving it in the air. The sight of her sashaying toward him put a smile on his face.
“Well, well, whatawehavehere?” he said, his slurred words running together. “Is that stuck-up Ida Beth?”
“Ida Belle. And no, it’s me, Celia.”
“Ya looklike Ida... Bethtome.”
She pivoted on her heel so he could see Celia’s name on the back of her dress, then turned back toward him. “Repeat after me,” Ida Belle said, “you’re Celia.”
“You’re Celia.”
“That’s right. Get it inside your brain so it haunts your memories. Repeat after me, ‘I sucked face with Celia.’”
He repeated it, slurring every word. “Nice rack,” he said, patting the space next to him. Ida Belle sat.
He stared at her with glassy eyes. “It’s hot. Don’t you wanna take thatdressoff?” he asked, his words running together.
“Well, don’t you know all the right things to say to a girl.”
“Wanna neck?” Without waiting for a response, he leaned in toward her lips. Just then his face lost all expression and he dropped into Ida Belle’s lap.
Finally, something was going according to plans.
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The man watched as the three went to work staging a make-out scene. He brought his camera to his eye and snapped a photo of Marge snapping photos.
Following Ida Belle and Marge to this location by boat hadn’t been easy. First, he had to steal a boat. Then he had to follow Ida Belle, who turned out to be a speed demon on the water.
Yep, these girls were damn good.
Snap.
* * * * *
Barbara sat at the table in a state of shock.
After dumping a sleeping Harvey off at his family’s dock, the Swamp Team 3 had gone to Louanne’s shop and developed the photos Marge had taken. The photos that were now spread out on Barbara’s kitchen table. Gertie sat next to her and reached out, patting Barbara’s shaking hand. A pang of guilt hit her. Maybe what they’d done was cruel.
No, she told herself. It may hurt Barbara now, but if she married Harvey, it would be far worse later. He was a despicable human being.
“Marge took these?” Barbara asked.
Gertie nodded. “She was out taking photos of birds near our families’ property by Loppinot Island, and there they were. She confronted them. Told Harvey what a snake he was.”
“I always liked Marge,” Barbara said.
“You won’t believe what Harvey said to her.”
“What?”
“He told her that he’d been with me earlier.”
“What?”
Gertie nodded. “Yes, he said that I brought him there to see our land and that I tempted him. He said I’d left and then Celia showed up. And then he laughed. Said all the girls wanted to be with him. And then he invited Marge to join them.”
“Join them?”
Gertie nodded again. “In one of those three-ways.”
Barbara’s hand flew to her mouth.
“He’s a depraved man, Barbara. Marge gave me these pictures because she thought you should know what kind of a man he really is.”
“He took that slut Celia to our granddad’s land? They were necking on our land?”
Gertie nodded.
Barbara’s shaking hand clenched into a fist. “I’m going to kill him.”
Gertie blew out a breath. She was hoping Barbara would skip grieving and go straight to anger. Harvey didn’t deserve grief, and Gertie couldn’t deal with a grieving Cousin Barbara.
“Remember,” Gertie said, “he’ll probably say he was with me as well. Maybe even say I got him drunk. Maybe even say he was with Ida Belle too. You never know what crazy things he’ll say.”
Barbara slammed her fist into her palm. “Oh, when I get done with him he won’t be able to talk about anything.” She glared at Gertie, her eyes on fire. “And then after that, I’ll tear off Celia’s horsey face.”
Uh-oh. Time to nip this coming war in the bud. Not that Gertie wouldn’t buy a ticket to see Barbara and Celia have a go at one another, but she didn’t want to see Barbara in jail. Sheriff Lee looked the other way when a woman went after a man who cheated on her. But if Barbara went after Celia, that was another story. He thought women fighting was undignified.
“I was wondering if we could come up with a punishment for Celia that would have more long-lasting consequences,” Gertie said.
“What could be more long-lasting that a girl with no face?”
“True.” Gertie picked up one of the photos. “But if somehow copies were made of these photos and posted around town...”
Barbara’s angry face softened. “Oh yeah, I see where you’re going with this.”
Gertie nodded. “Celia has a steady, doesn’t she?”
Barbara laughed. “Not anymore.”
Gertie felt no guilt helping to break up Celia and Pike. Number one, Celia was cheating on Pike anyway. Number two, Pike was a pig. He’d asked Gertie to Sinful High’s Bayou Boogie Night her junior year before rescinding the offer and asking out Home Run Helen instead. Home Run did not refer to Helen’s skills on the baseball diamond, by the way, but rather her skills in the dugout.
“And then there’s the feud between Harvey’s family and Celia’s family.”
That made Barbara laugh maniacally. “We need copies.”
Gertie reached down to the manila folder sitting on her lap and slapped it on the table. “Will ten copies of every photo do?”
Barbara squealed with delight as she took the envelope. Her eyes misted. “You’re the best cousin ever.”
Her mission complete, Gertie left Barbara’s and went back home. Though night had fallen, she could make out a figure sitting on the porch swing. As she got closer she realized it was Marge.
“We have a problem at my aunt’s shop. I called Ida Belle and she’s meeting us there.”
“What’s wrong?”
Marge moved her head from left to right, as if scanning the area for something. Or somebody. “After dinner I went back to my aunt’s shop. I thought I’d print up more of the Harvey and ‘Celia’ make-out pictures, just in case someone tears them down. My aunt was gone by then, but the darkroom light was on. I think our mystery man broke in and used her equipment.”
“What makes you say that?”
“He left a few calling cards.”
Ida Belle was waiting when Marge and Gertie arrived at Sinful Photo. Marge opened the door with her key and led them back to the darkroom. She flipped on the light and pointed to the photo drying line, to which three 8x10 glossy prints were clipped. Ida Belle and Gertie moved in close to view them. Ida Belle cursed. Gertie felt her jaw drop at what she saw.
The back of Miss Louanne, shot through her front window, as she sat on her sofa watching television.
Ida Belle climbing the tree to go rescue Gertie from the clothesline.
Marge taking a photo of Ida Belle dressed as Celia and kissing a passed-out Harvey Chicoron. From that angle Gertie was visible, crouching down and holding Harvey’s arm so his hand rested on Ida Belle’s chest.
Someone was stalking them.