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There wasn’t really anything Erin could put her finger on, but something was different. Their first week or so as a couple had been wonderful, and while they weren’t exactly bad now, Scott seemed to be holding back. Before he had been – or seemed to have been – very happy with their change in circumstance.
For the past few days, though, he wasn’t as available as he had been. He wasn’t talking on the phone or coming over as much. And when they were together, it almost felt like he was just waiting for an excuse to go home. Or to send her home. She was afraid that he might be having second thoughts, and maybe wishing they’d stayed just friends.
The night before, he hadn’t even gotten home before she went to bed, and tonight he’d appeared in his driveway with the customary takeout bag, and had given her a half-hearted wave. Or at least it had appeared to lack enthusiasm from where she sat in the rocker by the window. He’d called about half an hour later to tell her it had been a long couple of days, and he was turning in early.
Even though it hurt her heart, Erin knew that she was going to have to back off, too. Much as she loved him, and wanted to be with him, she would never, ever force herself on anyone. Especially not Scott.
And so it was that she not only lost the man she’d yearned for nearly two years, but her best friend as well. It wasn’t a full week before even the phone calls stopped. Scott wouldn’t even glance at her apartment when he got home at night anymore, and it seemed that he’d closed his blinds permanently.
Her dreams had come true, and then been smashed into a million pieces in not much more than two weeks time. She didn’t even know why, or if she’d done something to offend him. She could ask, but she feared it might make it look like she was begging, and that was something she couldn’t bring herself to do. Her pride was the only thing she had left. Bad enough to be dumped without so much as a word without losing that, too.
~~~~~
“YOU LOOK TERRIBLE,” Kevin said, letting out a low whistle when she opened her door a few nights later. He held Seth back away from her a little. “I’m not sure I want you to watch him. Are you contagious?”
“What? I’m not sick.”
“It sure looks like you are. What’s wrong?”
“Just not sleeping enough lately,” she hedged, holding her arms out for her nephew. When Kevin hesitated, she scowled at him. “Do you really think if I was sick, I’d take a chance on exposing him?”
“No, I suppose not.” He reluctantly handed his son over, then stepped into the kitchen and closed the door. “What’s going on, Erin?” Erin shook her head, feeling tears well in her eyes. She buried her face against Seth’s tiny shoulder.
“I’m fine. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Maybe not, but I do.” He reached out and gently forced her chin up. She hated that he could see the tears sliding down her cheeks.
“No. Can I just enjoy my nephew while you do your Christmas shopping please?”
“Nope. I’ve still got almost four weeks. I can shop any time between now and then.” He took her arm and led her to the table. “Sit down. I’ll get us some coffee.”
“Kevin...please? I don’t want to get into it right now.”
But Kevin had always been a protective older brother to both her and Ellen, and she knew that was never going to change so, before she realized what had happened, she’d told him the entire story. The two years of hoping, the precious few days of heaven on earth, and now the nightmare that it was over almost before it started.
“I’m going to go beat him to death,” Kevin muttered, starting to get to his feet. Erin reached across the table and grabbed his hand, holding onto Seth tighter with the other one.
“No! Kevin, sit back down,” she exclaimed, horrified at the thought of her brother going over to beat up her ex-boyfriend like they were still in school or something. “I’m not going to be with someone who doesn’t want me. And it’s his right. We tried. It didn’t work out for him. But I thought-”
Kevin hurried around the table, knelt down and held her and Seth while she cried. Thank goodness the baby was still sleeping, because she’d have hated to scare him.
“It’s okay, sis. It will all be okay. He’s not worth it.” Like most men, her brother didn’t really know what to say when a woman cried, but he did his best to comfort her.
“Thanks,” she murmured, when she’d finally pulled herself together long minutes later. He went to sit back down, and took a sip of his coffee before he said anything else.
“We’re just going to keep you busy. And I want you to tell me what fundraising events are coming up that he might show up at. We’ll make sure it looks like you’re having a great time without him. I’ll even talk to Matt. Maybe I can get him to pretend he’s your date.”
“Oh please! You will not, Kevin, I work for him, and we’re not dragging him into this.” That was the problem with going to work for one of her brother’s friends. He didn’t seem to understand that there were just some lines that should never be crossed. And then there was the whole issue with Bobby. “Don’t mention this to Matt, okay? Please? I’ll be totally humiliated.”
“All right. But we’re going to be here for you, Erin. I’ll let Sandy, Ellen, and Mom and Dad know-”
“Aw jeez. Can’t we just keep this between us?” How mortifying to think of having everyone know she wasn’t enough, in some way, for Scott.
“We’re your family, Erin,” Kevin said gently. “We love you, and if you’re hurting, that hurts all of us. Besides, whoever sees you is going to know that something is wrong. Heck I thought you’d caught the flu that’s been making its way around town.”
“I’m going to have to buy better makeup.” Erin’s joke fell flat, but Kevin tried to humor her with a hint of a smile.
“Just let us help. We’re going to try anyway, so you might as well give it up now.”
That did make her laugh, because she knew he was right. Sometimes it was irritating, but knowing that every member of her family, including Sandy, had her back, did make her feel better. Not much, but some.
She still missed Scott horribly.
~~~~~
SCOTT COULDN’T EVER remember being quite so depressed. Not even when his grandparents moved to Florida two years ago. He might have called them Grandma and Grandpa, but they were like a mom and dad in every way, and it had been hard to watch the movers pack the big truck with all of the furniture he’d grown up with, and then stand there as the only parents he’d ever known climbed into their pickup and drive away.
He wished they were here now to give him some advice. The telephone didn’t seem like the best way to confess that he might have just screwed up one of the best things in his life – all because of what a high school girl had done to him thirteen years ago.
He hadn’t even bothered to ask her about holding hands with Matt. Then he’d overheard that stupid conversation, and let the doubts take complete control. And now he and Erin were avoiding one another like the plague. Of course she was probably avoiding him because he’d treated her like she was a pariah first.
For a few wonderful days it seemed as though his dreams were about to come true. That he might have the happily-ever-after and get the girl. But not anymore – and he had no one to blame for that but himself.
He wished Christmas were over. There were two more fundraising events where they would be thrown together, and he’d actually thought about calling someone on the committee and telling them he was bowing out, but he’d given his word. He didn’t welsh on his promises, and Erin knew that. Or at least she used to.
Scott had decided that he was moving out to the house after the first of the year. It hurt too much to be this close to Erin and know that it was over, whether the suspicions Bill and Chuck had raised were true or not. If they were, he was well rid of her...it just didn’t feel that way. If they weren’t, she’d probably never forgive him for not trusting her.
As the thoughts raced through his head, he taped together one of flattened boxes he’d brought in the previous night to pack up some of the stuff he wouldn’t need before the move. Not that he had an abundance of belongings, but his bookshelves and DVD cupboard were pretty full. He could haul all of those things out in the morning, and then take a box or two at a time with him whenever he went out there. That way it wouldn’t be a huge chore on the actual moving day.
Tears burned his eyes when he thought about not even being able to peer out of the blinds to get a glimpse of her, sitting in the rocker reading. Or pretending to read, because mostly when he looked now, after he’d turned out every light and switched the television off, she seemed to be staring into space. But why? Did she miss him, or was she just sorry to see a money source out of her life?
~~~~~
MUCH AS ERIN HADN’T wanted Kevin to get involved at first, she found herself grateful that he’d insisted. He had taken her lists of volunteers for each event, set up a specific schedule, and convinced a couple of the people to call everyone with their assignments. For this coming Saturday, Scott would have the second shift, but would get the early one the following week. The most they should see one another was just briefly, to pass along any pertinent information to whoever was taking over.
Originally, they’d been going to work the full shifts together. Now, thanks to Kevin, they each had a second in command to help with any important tasks, and her brother had volunteered to be hers for the first day. Unfortunately he, Sandy, and the baby had to be at his in-laws for an early Christmas celebration, and that would prevent him from being with her at the second one.
Erin wanted to be happy about the fact that she was moving ahead with her life, but not much made her happy these days, and she just did what she had to in order to pass the time. Maybe once Christmas was over, it would be easier. Holidays were hard on everyone who had lost someone, and now she knew why.
She shook her head, choosing to focus on the Christmas music coming from the little radio Matt kept on the shelf behind the counter. It wasn’t loud, but she could still hear it from where she stood at the shelves where they kept the paper supply. She was hefting a stack of champagne colored sheets into a slot, and would be moving onto creamy cranberry next.
“Just concentrate on the songs and the colors,” she commanded herself, leaning down to grab another pile of paper.
She also started thinking about what she needed to get to finish up her Christmas shopping this weekend. Whenever thoughts of Scott would push themselves to the front of her mind, she just worked harder at pushing them out, adding new items to her mental list. Fortunately she was swamped the last hour or so of the day. While Matt worked in the back on a few big orders, she handled the smaller ones, chatted with the customers, and tried to give them her undivided attention.
And it had worked fairly well until Agnes Andrews – known around town simply as Mrs. Andrews – came in to get some copies of knitting instructions printed off for her crafting group. They made hats, scarves and mittens to give to the same people the gift basket fundraisers were being held for. Mrs. Andrews had been Erin’s eighth grade teacher.
“So what’s this I’ve been hearing around town about you and a new young man, missy?” she demanded, her voice as shaky as her hands.
How she managed to hold a crochet hook or knitting needles was beyond Erin’s comprehension. The woman must be eighty, if she were a day. But that thought was quickly overridden as Erin’s heart zeroed in on the one thing guaranteed to grab her attention. The new young man.
“Word has it that he’s not quite as homely as a bent shovel, but he could give one a run for its money. Beauty and the Beast seems to be the most popular description I’ve heard about the two of you.”
“Um- It didn’t work out,” Erin said, trying to pretend that it wasn’t terribly important. She wasn’t sure how well she carried it off, but Mrs. Andrews didn’t seem to notice.
“That’s too bad. Heard he was a good boy, and of all my students, you never did care what someone looked like. You’ve always had a good heart, Erin.”
At that point she zoned out of the conversation, as well as the two that followed. All her hard work down the drain because of a nosy old lady. She supposed she must have said all the right things, because the last customers, Mr. Clark, and Mrs. Palmer, didn’t demand to speak to Matt, but she couldn’t help but be grateful when she locked the front door, flipping the closed sign outward, and heading to the back room to help Matt finish up. He wasn’t having any part of it though, telling her that she should just go home. She’d worked her fanny off all day, so they didn’t even need to sweep up.
She didn’t spend so much as a fraction of a second arguing, just smiled a little, wished him a good evening, shoved her arms into her coat, and hurried out to her car...where she promptly burst into tears.
People were comparing Scott to a beast? She truly hoped he’d never heard any of those ugly things. No, he wasn’t pretty boy, but to her, he was beautiful.
~~~~~
SCOTT FELT LIKE HE had turned into some automated being, because he seemed to just be going through the motions these days. The only activity he invested much time in at all was trying to keep his mind a total blank, just focusing on whatever task was at hand, and allowing no other thoughts to form. Because when they did, they always involved Erin, and then the pain would get overwhelming again, as memories flooded his mind. Memories that taunted him because he knew, deep down, that she was nothing like Sally.
But if he was wrong, he wouldn’t just be hurt like he’d been at seventeen. What he’d felt then was nothing compared to his feelings for Erin. That meant the pain he felt then would be nothing compared to the agony he’d feel now. Except the agony was already eating away at him.
“Hey,” Dylan said, walking up to the time clock just ahead of him when it was time to leave for the day. “Want to go to the White Rose with me? My wife is out Christmas shopping with all of the women in her family, and I’m kind of at loose ends. We can get some wet burritos, and a couple of beers.”
“Why not?” Scott said, relieved that he wouldn’t have to figure out new ways to kill time before he went home. Home where Erin was fifty yards away. At least Dylan would be company, and that might help to distract him.
Never much of a drinker, Scott ordered a Coke, and they sat at a table in the corner and talked about some of the problems they were running in to with one of their parts suppliers. How their boss was going to have to shop around for someone else, because the customers were blaming them for the delays in repairs being done. Some understood that they had no control over deliveries, but others... Even with Christmas coming, holiday spirit didn’t really make a difference when it came to their customers vehicles.
“So,” Dylan said, about halfway through their meal. Scott noticed that he looked really uncomfortable, and he wondered what confession was about to pour through his lips. “You heard Bill and Chuck talking that day, didn’t you?” he finally blurted out.
“What?” How could he know?
“I know you heard them, Scott. You’d been so content with Erin for what, a couple of years now? And then you started dating, and I’d never seen you happier. And then days after those idiots had to start running their mouths, you two are over, and you’re miserable.”
The half of the burrito that sat in his stomach seemed to turn into a concrete block, and Scott lost all appetite for what was left.
“You don’t have to say anything,” Dylan was saying, staring at his burrito like it was the most fascinating thing he’d ever seen. “There aren’t many of us who could compete with Chris Hemsworth or Matt Damon, as far as looks go. I mean, look at me. Judy is a beautiful woman, and she chose me. There’s no doubt in my mind that I make her happy, conceited as that sounds. But it’s not my looks that she likes, obviously. It’s what’s inside that counts. You know that. You know it’s all that matters.”
“Yeah, I do,” he muttered after a tense silence.
“I’ve met her, Scott. And I’ll never believe she was using you. I mean it. If all Erin was after was a meal ticket, there are a lot of guys in town who have a whole lot more money than you do. And I’d bet some of them would be happy as heck to have her on their arm. Even owning that house outright, you barely qualify as middle class. Scott, you need to think about what you’re throwing away here. Leave it too long, and there may be no fixing it. Go to her and apologize. Make it right. Be happy again.”
He was wrong, Scott thought miserably. Dylan hadn’t seen her at the fundraiser on Saturday, when she’d kept her eyes on the ground as she hurried to her brother’s car – to get away from him as quickly as possible. And it was clear what Kevin had thought. When someone shoved a clipboard at you like they wished it was a knife, there really was no way to miss the fact that you’d made a huge mistake. Sometimes when you screwed up, it didn’t take long at all for it to be too late to fix things. Sometimes you could hurt someone so bad you could never make up for it.