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It wasn’t that Erin didn’t throw herself into celebrating the holidays, it was just that she was doing much more this year than she usually did. The high school band Christmas concert at the performing arts center she decided to attend tonight was superb, and she didn’t think that a professional orchestra could have done better. But she wound up spending most of the two hours wishing Scott had been sitting beside her, instead of several rows ahead of her, two aisles over.
To make matters worse, she’d also seen his truck from time to time, as she was out and about at night, driving slowly through neighborhoods to look at light displays. Drives they should have been sharing, but weren’t. And of course he’d shown up at the fire department the day members of various clubs and lodges, along with scout troops from around the city, had come to wrap gifts for the poorest children in the area.
Activities they’d done together as friends for the past couple of Christmases. Activities she’d looked forward to doing this year as a couple. Every time she saw him, every second they pretended to not know the other was only a few feet away, she wanted to slug him. She also wanted to throw herself into his arms, to have him hold her, and never let her go.
But, as one of her cousins was so fond of saying, it is what it is. Or in this case, it was what it was. Either way, it was time to move on. Time to put the whole sad episode behind her, and start getting used to a future without Scott in it. And that, it seemed, would be sooner rather than later.
Every time she watched him carry a box out of his apartment, load it into his truck, and then drive away, it felt like her heart was being torn to shreds again. He was giving up the apartment in order to live in the house. She knew it, just as sure as she knew the sun would rise again tomorrow. The day he’d given her the tour, he hadn’t been sure when he’d be moving out there, but now...less than two weeks later...it was like he couldn’t get away from her fast enough.
“We’re heading to Lansing when you’re finished with the food drive on Saturday,” Ellen announced over the phone about ten days before Christmas. “I’ve made appointments for us at the day spa, and we’re getting the works. Detox steam treatment, full body massages, and a mani and pedi.”
“Ellen...”
“Don’t even start, Erin. I’m not taking no for an answer. This is part of my Christmas gift to you, and if you say no, it’s like slapping me in the face.”
“It is not.”
“Oh but it is. And furthermore, they have this speed dating thing, and we’re going to that, too. Since we’ll be all spruced up anyway, we might as well have some fun. It’s specifically for people to meet someone to spend New Year’s Eve with.”
“Speed dating?”
All Erin could do was shake her head as her sister described what sounded like a miserable way to spend an evening. But she supposed it was as good a way as any to pass the time. She didn’t have to choose someone to see on New Year’s Eve. In fact, she knew she wouldn’t be choosing a date at all. At least not right now. She wasn’t ready to start seeing anyone else, and even pretending for one night wouldn’t be fair to a man who might actually be looking for someone to build a relationship with. Maybe the experience would be good for her though, a first step in walking away from Scott and what might have been.
~~~~~
“HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?” Scott asked. Erin’s second in command would be arriving late because her babysitter couldn’t be there early enough, so there was no avoiding him at the final fundraiser of the season.
“I’m fine,” she murmured, glancing quickly at him, and then even more quickly back down at the clipboard. “Um... John Underwood already hauled away one van load of donations. That’s good. And this one is about half full, so we should meet today’s goal.”
“That’s what I thought, too.” Think, he commanded himself. Figure out a way to keep her talking for a minute. “Are- Are you going to go help pack the boxes Thursday night?”
“No. I guess they have enough people to do that, and to work the pick up on Friday and Saturday. This will be it for me.”
“Yeah. For me, too, I guess.” His mind kept screaming that this was his last chance, but for the life of him, he didn’t know what to say.
“I’ve...seen you moving boxes out of your apartment.” Scott’s heart felt like someone was squeezing it with a vice when she said those words, although why he thought she wouldn’t notice, he’d never know.
“It finally dawned on me that it was kind of wasteful to be putting out money for rent, when I had a house just sitting there that I didn’t have to pay anything but taxes and insurance on. And I have to have heat and utilities on out there anyway.”
“That makes sense.” Even as he stared at her like someone lost in a desert might stare at a glass of water, she was refusing to look directly at him. “Anyway, back to this. I’ll turn all of this over to John at five, and he’ll take over from there. We won’t have to worry about anymore fundraisers after this. Good luck with the move, Scott.” She turned to answer a question for someone wanting to make a donation, and they wandered over to toward the van.
He’d blown it. She was right here, and he’d let her walk away without telling her how he really felt.
~~~~~
IT WAS A GOOD THING that Ellen was driving because Erin cried all the way to Lansing. She hadn’t wanted to admit it to herself, but she’d hoped the boxes he’d been carrying out of his apartment were just full of things he was getting rid of, that he wasn’t really leaving her. She sniffled at that stupid thought. He’d already left her. This was just confirming it in the most hurtful way possible. He not only didn’t want her, he didn’t want to be within sight of her either.
Ellen managed to keep quiet until she pulled into a parking space at the spa. Then she turned to her sister, gave her a quick hug – and started the lecture.
“This is the last time you’re crying over Scott,” she said firmly. “I know it’s going to hurt for a long time, but it’s obvious to everyone that you’re getting depressed, Erin. No offense here, but it seems like you’re wallowing in it. And it’s time it stopped. We are going into that spa, and we’re both going to enjoy being treated like queens. And then we’re going to go meet some good looking guys, and make plans for ringing in New Year’s Eve in style. Are we clear on that?”
Erin nodded her head, knowing she wasn’t being honest, but she knew Ellen didn’t want to hear anything else. After another hug, they grabbed their duffle bags and headed into the building. She’d do everything her sister commanded of her, but her heart wouldn’t be in it. No matter what Ellen said, it wasn’t depression she was wallowing in, it was grief. Because Scott had been lost to her just as surely as if he’d died. She was in mourning, not simply feeling sorry for herself.
~~~~~
SPEED DATING SUCKED. A two hour event, all of the women sat in the same chair for the entire time while the men moved down one seat every five minutes. At the end of that time, Erin had chatted with twenty-four different guys, and she had to admit that, were she actually looking for someone to date, a few of them would have made her ‘interested’ list. They were the same ones she traded email addresses with, after Ellen hissed in her ear to choose at least a couple of them.
So now she was committed to writing letters back and forth with two men who were hoping to find a girlfriend...and the only reason she done it was to get her sister off her back. With any luck, they’d give up and concentrate on the other women they liked, because she wasn’t going to put much effort into the correspondence.
To her dismay, Ellen had gotten acquainted with the girls on either side of her during seat changes, and they had decided to meet at a little pub on the west side of the city to go over their notes. So much for a restful Saturday. Except for the massage, which she had to admit she’d enjoyed, this day had pretty much been hell on earth...and it seemed it was destined to continue along that path.
When they arrived, a number of the guys who had been at the event were waiting for them. If Ellen had mentioned this part, Erin would have totally refused to come, but all her sister did was shrug, and grin, as she grabbed her arm and pulled her inside.
One of the men she’d traded emails with sat beside her at the table. He’d been one of the quieter ones, someone who actually shared a lot of her same interests, but she just simply wasn’t interested in him. Not that she was rude. She did talk with him a little, apologizing because it had been a long day and she was tired. He didn’t bother her much after that, though he did ask her to dance when a disk jokey started playing music after nine. When she declined, he asked someone else, and soon she was sitting all alone at the line of tables that had been pushed together for their rather sizeable group.
“Erin?” She looked up to see the guy she’d bought the car from sliding into the seat next to her.
“Hey, Dylan. How are you?” she asked, brightening for the first time since they’d arrived.
“How’s the car running?”
“Really good. I love it.”
“She’s a great little beauty, and should last you a long time. As long as you get a few oil changes every year. That’s the main key, you know. Keeps the engine clean, and running like a charm.”
“I didn’t know that, but I’ll make sure I do the same thing,” she promised, meaning every word. After all, unless the economy picked up, she wasn’t going to be able to afford to replace it for some time to come. Her raise would help a lot, but not that much.
“I was sorry to see that things didn’t work out between you and Scott. That guy has been over the moon for you for so long, I really was expecting to get an invitation to a wedding before the winter was over.” The blasted tears were back, and Erin tried to blink them away.
“Yeah, I guess I wasn’t really what he wanted after all,” she said, opening her eyelids as wide as she could when it became clear that the tears were there to stay. She stared at the disco ball on the ceiling rather than at Dylan. He had leaned in close to hear her, but she hadn’t been able to make her voice raise much above a whisper.
“You’re wrong there. You’re everything he ever wanted.”
“Oh sure. I knew that. I mean, it’s so obvious when a guy stops calling and starts avoiding you, that you were meant to be together, right?”
“Look, we need to talk, but not in here. Give me just a minute. I’m here with my wife, and my brother and sister-in-law.”
He excused himself just long enough to say something to the three people sitting at the table across the room, then he came back and asked her if they could go out to his new car to talk for a few minutes. Since everyone she’d come with, including Ellen, seemed pretty happy on the dance floor, Erin grabbed her jacket and followed him out, sitting in the passenger seat as he climbed in the other side and started the engine.
“It’ll warm up soon. Just listen to me, okay? Scott is miserable without you, Erin.” When she didn’t respond he said, “I’m going to tell you a couple of things, but I need your word that they’ll stay between us.”
“What things?”
“I’m breaking a friend’s confidence here, and I’m not really comfortable doing it. But I can’t just sit here and watch two people who should be together throw it away. Not when it doesn’t have to be like this. Can I trust you to keep anything I say to yourself?”
“Yes. I won’t say a word to anyone,” she promised.
“Okay, first...did you know I was selling the car for five-thousand dollars?” Erin’s gaze shot around to his face so fast she was surprised she didn’t get whiplash. “It’s true. Scott paid the other two-thousand dollars. He was scared that the piece of junk you were driving would put you in danger, so he swore me to secrecy. He wanted you to think you were buying it yourself.”
“But- No. He couldn’t have done that? No!” Her mind wouldn’t wrap around the fact that he’d spent a small fortune to help her get a safer, more reliable vehicle.
“Yes he did, Erin. I can’t show you the cash he gave me, but I can hunt up the deposit slip. I added it with your check and put it in the bank the next day.”
“Oh my God. I have to pay him back,” she whispered, trying to figure out in her head how long that would take.
“Don’t you dare. You promised me you’d keep this between us. If you pay him back, he’ll know I told you.”
“I don’t understand, Dylan. Why would he do that?”
“My guess is because he loves you.”
“No he doesn’t. We dated, if you can call it that, for less than two weeks. I...thought we were pretty happy, but after that, he didn’t want anything to do with me.”
“I don’t suppose you remember what day things started to change.” She named the date that would stand out in her memory forever. “That’s what I was afraid of.”
Erin listened in dismay, which turned quickly to horrified disbelief, as Dylan told her about the conversation between their co-workers, and that he’d suspected that Scott had tried to pretend he hadn’t heard the ugly things they’d suggested.
“He just looked like a puppy someone had kicked for no reason, Erin. He’d seen you out somewhere holding hands with your boss a couple of days before that, too, so then he hears the guys voicing his worst fears.”
“Because he thinks I only want him for his money.” It felt like the air was being squeezed out of her lungs. After being such good friends for so long, that he could think such a thing hurt so much she couldn’t stand it. Had he ever trusted her? And then something Dylan said registered. “What? He saw me holding hands with Matt? When?”
“The day he got stitches.”
“Oh my God. That was the day Matt told me about his...” Erin covered her face with her hands for a minute, then turned to look at Dylan. “I can’t break Matt’s confidence, but that was the day he told me about a...I don’t know what to call it. A tragedy in his family. I was comforting him.”
“Well evidently Scott doesn’t know that. We went out for supper after work last week, and I tried to talk to him about this. To tell him that all of this was a bunch of crap, and then he mentioned something about high school. He didn’t go into detail, but I guess he got burned pretty bad by a girl. One of the popular, beautiful girls. It was all a big joke to her and her buddies.”
“I don’t understand,” Erin said with a sigh. “He dumped me to get back at her?”
“No. Good grief, Scott’s not like that. I don’t understand it all myself. But, and I don’t mean this in any mean way at all, everyone knows that Scott isn’t the best looking guy on the planet. He’s not ugly or anything, but he’s just not the guy most women would go for. You, on the other hand, are a very pretty woman. I think those idiots at work got him thinking that he’s not good enough for you, on top of seeing you with Matt, and he got scared that you might figure out that you can do better than him, so he beat you to the punch.”
“And then there’s the whole, ‘I might only be after him for his money’ thing.”
“That, too.”
“What am I supposed to do with all of this, Dylan?”
“Do you love him?”
“More than I can ever say.”
“Have you ever told him?” She laughed harshly.
“We’d barely transitioned from friends to dating when he dumped me. Well, sort of dumped me. He just...stopped talking to me. So no, I hadn’t told him yet. I was just happy that he liked me that way at all. I figured I had time.”
“I would bet a week’s pay that Scott loves you. In fact, I’d bet a month’s pay that he has for a long time.”
“That doesn’t really help.” No, it just hurt worse to know that he might care that much, but not enough to even talk to her about his fears. “He obviously doesn’t trust me, so I don’t see me being able to say anything he’ll believe. At least not without being able to tell him what I know now.”
“Then tell him we talked,” Dylan said, after a slight hesitation. “He may never speak to me again, but if you think it would help get things back on track with him, do what you have to do, Erin.”
She sat there thinking about it for a moment, and was stunned when an unexpected flash of anger surged inside her. She’d never felt so much as a moments irritation toward Scott, but now she was furious at him.
“No. You know what? If after all this time, that’s what he thinks about me, then what’s the point, Dylan? I appreciate you telling me all of this, but I think I’m just better off without him. I can’t spend my life trying to make up for something that happened to him way back in high school, and I shouldn’t have to worry that he’s going to compare everything I do to what she did. Or having to watch every penny I spend for fear he’ll think I’m with him for what I can get.”