It was a bitterly cold day. Suzie had told Rex she needed a few groceries and had popped out for some things, glad of a bit of fresh air. Rex was going cycling – it was Saturday afternoon, he always went cycling on a Saturday. It had been two weeks since their almighty row – and an uneasy truce had fallen between them. Rex had accepted the news, but was still wary. And extremely worried about the financial implications. She didn’t want to put any more obstacles in the way of her happiness, so was positively bending over backwards if he wanted to do things like cycle on a Saturday.
Christmas was just over a week away and the shops were adorned with the usual festive offerings. A few of them even had sales starting. ‘Get Christmas wrapped up here!’ was displayed on a banner across a charity shop nearby. She was sitting in her car, finishing off the last of a takeaway coffee, when she sat bolt upright in her seat and stared across the street from the car park. It couldn’t be, could it? Maybe it was a striking resemblance?
Suzie’s mouth felt dry and she suddenly shivered involuntarily.
Across the road, she’d just seen Charlie walk into Chesterbrook’s only baby shop. Why was she in there? Why would she do that? It wasn’t her baby. It was almost as if she felt possessed by something, someone who was inside her body, fighting to be heard. Her heart was hammering in her chest. What was she doing in there?
Getting out of the car, she slammed the door shut and started walking towards the shop. She could hear her high boots on the pavement, clip, clip, clip on the concrete. She could see her heavy breath as plumes of grey smoke billowed in front of her. She pulled her coat around her for warmth and stood staring through the shop window, her breath misting up the glass.
There was a snow scene in the window. She was mesmerised by it. Tiny toy mice had been placed next to little Santas and they were holding minute ermine-trimmed stockings, under a white, pared-back Christmas tree made of twigs. There were baby clothes hanging from each branch: a pair of striped pink bootees, two tiny white mittens on another branch, a comforter, a toy rabbit, a Christmas bauble; at the base of the tree was a mass of cotton wool, covered in glitter where tiny knitted reindeer were perched, as if in snow.
Suzie was in a trance, staring at the dreamy little snow scene. Only for her it was the beginning of a nightmare. She looked up and saw Charlie at the back of the shop. She wanted to go in, confront her, but what would that look like? Would it scare her off completely?
She gulped. She couldn’t stand it any more. She abruptly turned from the shop, ran across the road as a car screeched at her. She opened her car door and slumped into the driver’s seat.
She rested her head on the back of the seat. Just recently, she’d been allowing herself to imagine the baby – sometimes she would be up at night and wonder what colour eyes it would have. What colour hair. They’d been given a second chance, their tiny seed of a baby, safely nestled in another woman’s womb. She closed her eyes.
Her churning mind brought back painful memories of her IVF torture. How she used to dream of her babies then; fantasise about their tiny hands and faces, even when they were only the size of a pea; she felt such hope – believing her minute miracles would survive, and then the crash. The blood – or, somehow worse, the face of the sonographer as she lay on the bed with cold jelly on her tummy. I’m so sorry, I can’t seem to find a heartbeat…
What if Charlie keeps my baby?
*
When she got home, Rex wasn’t there. Why did he spend quite so much time away? She was trying to be supportive, but it was beginning to really drive a wedge between them. Even so, she was doing her best not to let it show. The house was incredibly tense, when it should have been a magical time, shouldn’t it? She knew he was due to call the office on Monday, speak to HR about the terms again, about when he might go back. She desperately wanted to talk to him about the baby shop and Charlie.
She glanced at the telltale sign of mud in the hall from bringing his bike through after his last ride… How many times had she asked him not to do that?
She looked around the kitchen. Ramone’s day off. Rex clearly didn’t think that housework was his responsibility. He’d left two dirty coffee cups in the sink. How hard was it to wash them up? Her phone bleeped.
It was a text from Charlie asking when she could have the next instalment of money. How would she do that? Now that Rex was suspended and Annie had told her she needed a ‘break’ they just couldn’t lay their hands on available cash.
The front door opened and Rex stood there with his bike.
‘OK, OK, I’ll take it round the back,’ he said wearily when he caught her frowning.
‘No, it’s OK!’ She smiled. At least he’d taken his shoes off. She tried to smile again, but her face crumpled instead. ‘Darling, something happened,’ she said, her lip trembling.
‘What’s wrong?’ He looked at her as she hurriedly wiped her eyes and wondered what she looked like.
‘Hey, what’s the matter?’ Rex sat down next to her on the sofa. She sat up and didn’t even care about his wet clothes on the sofa. She remembered the shop. Remembered Charlie.
‘She was holding a toy rabbit…’
Rex lifted one of the silver cushions and gently placed it next to him.
‘Who was holding a rabbit, darling?’ He seemed very distracted.
‘Charlie.’
‘Why does that matter?’
‘It matters, Rex, because she is carrying our baby. She was in a shop. I saw her.’ Suzie turned to look at him. ‘I really needed to talk to you – you’ve been much longer than normal.’
He got up and wandered into the kitchen.
‘Rex?’
‘I was spinning – with a mate,’ he shouted back at her.
‘Has it ever occurred to you that I might need you here?’ She just couldn’t help it.
‘No, you don’t.’ His voice was tense. She heard him flick the kettle on, then after a while he was back standing in front of her, with two coffees. ‘All you do all day since you were fired over that baby account—’
‘I was not fired! I’m taking a break.’
‘You sit and look at baby websites, buy things we can’t afford on baby websites, drool over maternity things. And you’re not even the one who is pregnant!’
That hurt. ‘We can afford it, Rex, can’t we?’ She did feel terrible about losing her job – for the moment – for needing, as Annie had put it, time ‘while the account settles down’, which had been shorthand for while they placated the account holder and found a more suitable account manager for them.
‘No. We cannot afford it.’ Rex placed the two coffees on the table, then sat next to her. ‘My salary has been frozen for a few weeks while they investigate – you know that – and what with the loan for the kitchen we are still paying back because of those bloody interest rates we accepted at that kitchen company… Why did we do that?’ he sighed. ‘Then no, we just don’t have the money, Suzie, not right now. In fact, you need to tell Charlie that we can’t afford that next payment till about February. And you really need to stop buying stuff from those maternity websites.’ He waved at the paperwork on the table in front of him. ‘I saw the last invoice, sweetheart.’ He was trying so hard to be nice, but she felt wretched.
‘Well at least I’m not cycling, covered in clingy Lycra, all over the place having a midlife crisis!’
‘Look, Suzie,’ said Rex taking a deep breath and placing a hand on her arm. ‘I’m sorry. But nobody said this would be easy. Let’s try and be kind to each other. Remember what the counsellor said last time, when we, we…’
‘Go on, SAY IT! Lost the baby!!’ She was surprised by her renewed anger. She yanked his arm off her and marched over to the kitchen and started washing up, slamming cups down on the draining board.
‘Yes, but the counsellor told us to look after each other, because that was the only certain thing. Remember?’ He was behind her now. He gripped the tops of her arms. ‘Suzie,’ he said, turning her around to face him, ‘this is no different.’ He released his grip and rubbed the top of her arms. ‘There is no certainty here – and you might just push Charlie over the edge if you – I don’t know – stalk her.’
I was not stalking her, she wanted to scream as she looked in Rex’s eyes. He let go of her arms and held her hands in his and smiled at her.
‘C’mon, babe. Hey, where’s your watch?’
‘Being fixed at the repair shop.’ It was amazing how easy it was to lie. She daren’t tell him she’d sold it on eBay to be able to make up the shortfall on the previous instalment for Charlie.
He nodded. ‘I’m going to take a shower. And, Suzie?’ he said dropping her hands, ‘let’s stop fighting, shall we? There is a baby on the way – and, well, I don’t know how we will manage to pay Charlie, but there’s no going back now.’ He smiled at her, but somehow it didn’t filter up to his eyes. The gap, she realised as she watched him striding away, should have just closed between them – but somehow it seemed wider than ever.