The drive back to the house has been in silence. There’s some black ice on the roads and even Daniel has swerved a few times, making me shudder. Thank God he’s driving now. Imagine if I’d crashed? It’s probably the hormones, but I just can’t help it, the tears start to trickle down my cheeks. I wipe them away quickly.
We’ve just pulled up outside the house. My mind’s racing. I’m thinking about Daniel sitting so close to me; I want to talk to him, but I remember that look on Suzie’s face, that she’s just fired him… I wish I could just blurt out all my feelings right now. I want to tell him how I feel. How do I feel? What I do know is that this gentle man with the strong arms and the tiny tattoo on his forearm is someone I used to laugh with, someone who makes me feel like I matter, who’s interested in me, who had been interested in me… but now, because of the baby, well, he’s been put right off. Who can blame him? How would I have coped with such deception? But there seems to be something else: a wariness about him now.
‘Charlie?’ He touches my arm lightly. ‘I’m sorry I shouted at you earlier, but I got quite a fright.’ He hands me a tissue.
‘I know, I know, it was really dangerous, and I’m sorry, too – and sorry you lost your job.’ I blow my nose. ‘I’m just crying because – oh, I don’t know.’ I sink back in the seat.
‘That’s OK. Let’s just leave this,’ he says gently. ‘Like Suzie wants, for now. I really think it’s for the best. You need to concentrate on that baby.’ He smiles at me but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. I want more than anything for him to hold me, to be able to lay my cheek on his chest, for him to make the world go away, to make me feel more whole than I ever have before.
‘Once you’ve had the baby, we can start lessons again maybe?’
That’s months away! I can tell he doesn’t really mean it, anyway. It’s just because I’m upset.
‘Sure.’ I try to sound calm. ‘Do you want to come in for a coffee?’ Please say yes.
I don’t want this to end, the warm cocoon we used to have in the car, the banter, the laughs, the company. I hadn’t realised how lonely I’d been. I want to stay sharing jokes on the radio, quiz shows, stay in a place where I can – almost – be myself. In his world.
‘No, I’d better go – I’ve got my client over in Petersham – remember the cat lady? Mrs Norris. She’s eighty today, no family left. I said I’d take her to her hairdresser and then to the park.’ He exhales deeply. ‘She likes to sit in the car park and watch the children play. Says it reminds her of when her kids were small.’ His voice trails off. ‘I’ve bought her a cake and a card, and I phoned the salon and paid for her hair – my birthday treat.’
‘Yes, of course,’ I force myself to say. ‘It’s nice what you do. I mean for that old lady and others.’ He turns to look at me. I study his face, glance down at his strong chest as he takes a deep breath, watch it rise and fall, then force my eyes back up to his.
He opens his mouth to say something but suddenly Mike from next door comes out of the house and Daniel has to move the car.
‘Better go.’ Daniel nods at the clock on the dashboard.
I open the car door and swing my legs out. I hear myself say ‘bye’ in a pseudo-cheery voice I don’t recognise. I wave, then I open my front door. I gently close it behind me, and lean against it. I stay like this for a long time, just standing there in the silence, listening for small sounds.
The cat comes up and twists itself around my ankles, purring, keen to be fed. I think about Paul, and his crooked smile, about when he’d come to the door last week, how I’d given him my last £200, just to shut him up. I think about all the money I will have after the baby. I think about this and know I have to go through with it. I think about how I have lost Daniel. This time I let the tears just fall and fall.