Suzie is standing on my sunny porch with a cheery smile, several OK! magazines and a Soap Star Quiz book tucked under her arm. She is wearing a blue and white embroidered cotton sundress with a square neck. She also has a bunch of sunflowers. She is the last person I want to see. And I hate sunflowers.
‘Thought you might be bored, what with being confined to this house so much.’ She laughs, and walks straight past me. ‘God, it’s hot! Wow, Ramone’s been busy!’ Her eyes dart from the living room to the kitchen. They sweep across the hall and take in the shoes in pairs, the coats hung up on the rack and the sparkling windows. Ramone has been not only a great help round the house, he’s also been a very patient agony uncle, listening to all my whinging and heartache, giving me bits of advice at times, watching soaps on TV and pretending to not just understand them, but like them too. At thirty-six weeks pregnant, I don’t think I’m very good company but he doesn’t complain.
‘Yeah well, thanks, it hasn’t really been a picnic recently as I’ve been so huge, and the hospital don’t want my blood pressure to go up any more – especially as I had high blood pressure last time.’
‘Oh God, high blood pressure – again? Is everything OK?’ Suzie’s eyes are wide.
‘What for me or the baby?’
Suzie blinks a few times. ‘For both of you, of course.’ She smiles. ‘Cup of tea? I’ll make it.’ She is trying her best – I shouldn’t be such a bitch.
I can hear Suzie clatter around the kitchen. There’s a lot of opening and shutting of cupboards and sighing. Let her look for things, I don’t care. I don’t really want that woman in my kitchen.
‘Charlie, I’ve just opened your windows in the kitchen; it’s really hot in here. The chap on the weather says it might be the hottest July we’ve had for a few years. Where’s your milk, by the way?’
‘Look on the table. Tyler never puts it away.’
‘Oh!’ Suzie yelps.
What now? I get up from the couch and waddle through.
‘Gosh, you’ve got some cheese in here, Charlie, next to the raw chicken. I just think—’
‘What?’ I want to scream with the pressure, of always being under the microscope.
‘Well, you know, salmonella—’
‘Will you stop being so controlling!’
‘Charlie, you don’t give me any choice! Look what happened when you decided you could drive!’ She slams the fridge door shut.
‘Don’t mention that again! It was an accident, an error – I was so scared for Tyler!’
Suzie turns around abruptly from the fridge and folds her arms across her chest. Her perfectly manicured nails are digging in to her arms as she stares at me. The sunflowers lie on the draining board, their cheery faces mocking the mood of the room.
I can’t help it. ‘If you carry on like this, frankly, I’ve a good mind to keep this baby,’ I whisper. ‘Poor thing. It will be hell having a mother like you!’
‘How dare you say that!’ Suzie’s voice cracks. ‘That’s been your plan all along, to take the money and then keep the baby! Oh my God. Look. There! What are you playing at?’ She points to the scan picture in the glittery silver frame on the fridge.
‘What kind of person do you think I am, Suzie? I may be messier than you, I may be a bit disorganised and yes, I admit, I do have feelings for the baby, of course I do but—’
‘What?’
‘Well I just can’t face all these battles. If we are to carry on for the last few weeks – you’re just being too much—’
‘Exactly,’ Suzie cuts in sharply, ‘that’s why I came here with magazines and flowers.’
She’s right. I just feel exhausted with it all. I’m being a cow and I’m a hormonal mess. I haven’t slept well. It’s been so hot and I’ve had lower backache all night and didn’t want to take any pills, just to be on the safe side. I clutch the side of my belly; there’s a nagging pain there. ‘I just need to sit down,’ I say and make my way back to the lounge.
‘Of course, I’ll bring your tea,’ Suzie says gently after me.
When she appears in the lounge holding a cup of tea and two biscuits on a plate, I am overwhelmed with exhaustion. ‘Thank you,’ I say and take the tea.
She sits across from me, crosses her legs and yanks down her summery dress. I take a bite of biscuit as another sensation surfaces – I can’t quite believe it.
‘Suzie, I—’
‘What?’
‘Oh no, oh crap.’
‘What’s wrong?’ Suzie’s sits bolt upright.
‘Oh shit.’
‘What, Charlie?’ She stands up.
‘My waters just broke – I think.’
‘You’re kidding.’ Suzie looks at me with saucer-wide eyes and flushed cheeks. ‘You must be joking.’
‘There is absolutely no way I’m jok— Oh Christ.’ I feel another escape of fluid and start to stagger to the downstairs toilet.
‘Let me help you.’ Suzie is suddenly by my side, her hand on my elbow.
With that the cat wanders past and winds itself around Suzie’s ankles. ‘Get away! Blasted cat!’ she shrieks.
I feel a shooting pain across my back and clutch Suzie. ‘Help me to the toilet, will you?’ I say.
‘You can’t have the baby now. It isn’t due yet, it’s due in four weeks! I wrote it on my planner!’
‘They do come early you know – they don’t read the textbooks, or birthing plans written out by Intended Parents… Tyler was also four weeks ear— Oh God, that hurt,’ I say scrunching up my eyes.
‘Was he?’ Suzie’s voice is a whisper. ‘You didn’t tell me!’
‘You didn’t ask!’
Another cramp-like pain is now spreading across my belly. ‘That was definitely a contraction…’ I squeeze my eyes shut with the pain.
‘What? No! OK! We need to time them. I’ve been looking all this up. Right, you tell me when there’s another one, OK?’
‘I think you’ll know…’ I sort of laugh, then suddenly I feel like I might throw up.
‘Oh no.’
‘What now?’ squeaks Suzie.
‘Suzie, you need to calm down, oh God, I’m going to be—’ But there was no time to tell Suzie that one of the things I’d forgotten about giving birth to Tyler was that I’d thrown up violently, and here I am doing it again.
‘Good grief, Charlie, are you all right?’
I cling to the toilet bowl. It is definitely not all right. But I’m in labour and I’m getting rid of anything I don’t need for the task ahead – including my lunch. I sink down on my knees onto all fours – it’s more comfortable that way.
‘What are you doing?’ Suzie seems more alarmed at this. ‘Right. We need to call the consultant, the midwife, the doctor – what are their numbers?’
‘I’m not sure there’s time – OK, another contraction,’ I wince. ‘Suzie.’ I look up at her from the floor; she’s clinging on to the washbasin and all the colour has drained from her face.
‘Suzie, it’s OK.’
‘Yes, right, no, you’re right, you’ve done this before, so you’re just going to do this again!’ She sounds like she’s talking to schoolchildren. If I wasn’t in so much pain it would be funny. ‘But that contraction came faster than the last one,’ she says looking at her watch and scratching her forehead.
This time the contraction is profoundly stronger than the last time as I brace myself for its full force. I can hear Suzie tapping numbers into her phone, some snatches of conversation: ‘Yes, you need to get here. South Elton Street, Chesterbrook. NO, right away. No, I can’t get her in the car; she’s on all fours! Ambulance? Yes! What accident on the A31? No, yes, right.’
She comes back into the loo and looks at me. ‘She said that they are sending both an ambulance and a midwife in a separate car. There’s been a terrible accident on the A31 and many of the ambulances are already out, or they can’t get through. Oh God, Charlie. Right, I’ll get some towels. Where are they?’
‘Hall. Cup— Oh God – cupboard. Top of stairs.’ Just when I thought that maybe the pain was at its maximum it’s got me in a vice-like grip. Suzie reappears and helps me back to the lounge and lays out the towels on the couch.
‘No, the floor,’ I screech; this pain is unbearable. I kneel on all fours.
‘OK, breathe,’ Suzie says. ‘Shouldn’t you be breathing? Charlie?’
‘I’m just trying to survive.’
‘Maybe I could go and get help. Next door any good?’
Suzie looks around furtively.
‘He’s – ahh – a plumber, always out. And their twelve-year-old daughter spends all day in a tiger print onesie listening to iTunes. No, don’t you dare leave me.’
‘Right.’ Suzie’s hand is on my back, massaging it gently. I simply can’t bear it, even though Suzie is trying her best. ‘Suzie, please, no! I can’t stand you touching me, it’s just—’
‘It’s fine, I read about that too, don’t worry.’ And with that she removes her hand quickly and replaces the back rub with holding my hand on the floor. She’s kneeling right next to me; her eyes are wide.
‘Do you want a cup of tea?’
‘What? No, I want a bloody epidural!’
‘OK, breathe…’
She’s right. I take a deep breath and realise I need to remove my soaking underwear, and probably tracksuit bottoms, but just then another contraction hits and I have to take a deep breath. But that’s not enough and I scream with the pain. I don’t think I can do this. Finally, it subsides.
‘Suzie I need you to help me – ah – remove my clothes.’
Between another two contractions somehow we manage this, me wriggling around on the floor. Suzie has now come back into the room wearing one of my aprons. It would be utterly comical if I wasn’t in absolute agony. The woman has no idea how much blood and gore is on its way.
‘The baby is really on its – ahh – way now!’ Another contraction hits me – and so does the sudden urge to push.
‘I need to push.’
‘What now?’ Suzie’s face is panic-stricken.
‘Suzie, calm down, we can do this.’
Suddenly, there’s a loud banging on the door and Suzie sprints to open it.
‘Thank God you’re here.’
Two paramedics walk into the room, but I can hardly register what’s going on I’m in so much pain.
‘Where’s – ah…’ A tall man in high-visibility clothes is suddenly kneeling on the floor next to me. He smiles at me. ‘I’m Nick by the way.’
‘Can you help her onto the couch?’ Suzie is pacing up and down.
‘We can if she wants to go there?’
I nod. The two paramedics hold on to an arm each and gently help me clamber onto the couch. But the respite from agony is short-lived. I’m gripped by a violent pain and the urge to push is utterly overwhelming.
‘Right, darling, now hold on, just hold on, don’t push,’ says Nick firmly and I try my best not to but it’s too hard.
‘I need to push,’ I wail.
‘Wait, sweetie, the baby’s head’s crowning, but just a mo, don’t push till the next contraction… right, now!’
With one more contraction, I push my hardest, hear some odd squelchy noises and to my utter relief, finally deliver this baby with a gush of fluid between my legs. I lean back and cry. And am entirely spent.
‘Oh, he’s beautiful.’ I look up to see Nick holding the baby and smiling. ‘A boy!’
The other paramedic carefully clamps the umbilical cord and cuts it. Nick has wrapped the baby in a towel and is rubbing his back. There is an angry, desperate little voice – his little lungs are having a proper workout.
‘Hey, Mum, let me just hand him to you.’ Nick is holding out the baby to me.
‘No,’ I say firmly and take a deep breath, even though every inch of my being is aching to hold the tiny being, yearning to let the little child rest on my chest, to let him feel the warmth of my skin, to feed him, to quieten him from the shock of coming into the world…
‘She’s the mother.’ I nod over to where Suzie is standing, quiet and with her arms beside her, hands clenched into fists. ‘I’m the surrogate,’ I whisper to Nick. ‘She’s the mother.’ And with that I lie back against the couch.
He gently wipes the baby’s face with the bath towel and hands him to Suzie.
‘Coo-ee!’ A woman in a nurse’s top and black trousers has just appeared in the living room. ‘Door was open and I guessed you needed my help, but, by the looks of it—’ she casts her eyes to me, then Suzie and the paramedics ‘—you’ve got it covered!’ She smiles.
She kneels down beside me and opens up her medical bag. ‘My name’s Linda by the way and you are?’
‘Charlie.’
‘Right, Charlie. Let’s just take a look shall we, and let these boys get back to their other jobs.’ The midwife looks up at Nick. ‘Traffic’s terrible out there. Right, I’ll get on with delivering the placenta, and give the baby a once-over, then Mum can have some rest.’ She winks at me.
Nature’s little joke: a postscript to giving birth. You deliver the baby, and yet there’s still the placenta. I do what the midwife says and try to relax as she injects me with oxytocin – I’d forgotten about that with Tyler. It will help me deliver the placenta. As I lie back, exhausted, I glance at Suzie. Everything I have done is worth it for this moment. She is looking with utter adoration at the tiny baby, wet curls plastered across his forehead, wrapped in one of my fraying blue bath towels, as her tears fall onto his head.