Step Eight
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Jesus taught, “If you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, . . . go and be reconciled to that person” (Matthew 5:23-24).
Step Eight
Forgiven to Forgive
Bible Reading: Matthew 18:23-35
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Listing all the people we’ve harmed will probably trigger a natural defensiveness. With each name we put on our list, another mental list may begin to form—a list of the wrongs that have been done against us. How can we deal with the resentment we hold toward others, so we can move toward making amends?
Jesus told a story: “A king . . . decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars” (Matthew 18:23-24). The man begged for forgiveness. “Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt. But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment” (18:27-28). This was reported to the king. “Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt. That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart” (18:32-35).
When we look at all that God has forgiven us, it makes sense to choose to forgive others. This also frees us from the torture of festering resentment. We can’t change what they did to us, but we can write off their debt and become willing to make amends.
The value we place on God’s forgiveness is best measured by our willingness to forgive others.
Step Eight
Grace-Filled Living
Bible Reading: Romans 12:17-21
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Most of us probably have relationships in which we are holding grudges. Sure, we’ve hurt them, but they’ve hurt us, too. We become like children quarreling back and forth: “You hit me first!” “I did not!” Somehow, it just doesn’t seem fair to let them off the hook! Now, we’re supposed to become willing to make amends to everyone? Even those who have wronged us? How?
The apostle Paul left us this advice: “Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. . . . Instead, ‘If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink.’ . . . Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good” (Romans 12:17-21).
This is not impossible. We are not called to create peace, only to “do all that [we] can” to be at peace. We are not required to say that others don’t deserve punishment, only to turn the job over to God. We don’t give up a quarrel because someone else is necessarily right, but for the sake of our recovery. We can’t change other people, but we can ask God for the courage to change ourselves.
This may seem all backwards, but God’s ways are not our ways. As we turn our will and our lives over to God, we will learn that his ways do work.
If we’ve really experienced God’s grace, we’ll want to pass it on to others.
Step Eight
Overcoming Loneliness
Bible Reading: Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Feelings of loneliness and isolation go along with the guilt and shame we feel about who we are or what we’ve done. We may feel so cut off from others that we feel lonely even when we’re around other people. Our fear of being hurt, our guilt and self-hatred can make us unable to believe in the love others have for us. We can feel all alone in the struggle even when there are people beside us who love us and want to help. Being willing to let their love in is part of our preparation for making amends.
Wise King Solomon observed, “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12).
Loneliness can break us and defeat our recovery process. When we prepare to make amends, we also need to prepare our hearts to accept whatever love, support, or friendship is offered in return. These supportive relationships, along with the third “strand” of God’s supporting hand, will strengthen our lives considerably.
Making amends builds relationships, releasing the healing power of human companionship.
Step Eight
Scapegoats
Bible Reading: Leviticus 16:20-22
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
It’s natural to hope that the people we’ve hurt will think better of us once we’ve sought to make amends. We may fear that there are some who will never upgrade their opinions about us, no matter what we do. In reality they may not, especially if they have chosen to use us as a scapegoat.
Before the coming of Jesus, the Jews were instructed to select a live goat which would carry away their sins. (When Jesus came, he became our scapegoat and took our sins upon himself.) The priest was to place his hands on this goat and confess over it all the sins of the people. “He [the priest] will transfer the people’s sins to the head of the goat. Then a man specially chosen for the task will drive the goat into the wilderness. As the goat goes into the wilderness, it will carry all the people’s sins upon itself into a desolate land” (Leviticus 16:21-22).
Some of the people we’ve hurt will use us as their scapegoat. Since we have hurt them, they feel justified in sending us away with more than our share of the burden. They unconsciously place the blame for their pain on us, so we can carry it away. As their scapegoat, we play the role of removing something they were unable to deal with in any other way. Because of this, they may never welcome us back. We should prepare for this kind of response and realize that it says more about them than it says about us.
At times we will be forced to carry the pain of another; be thankful that God has agreed to do the same for us.
Step Eight
A Forgiving God
Bible Reading: Matthew 6:9-15
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
One motivation for preparing our list and making amends with the people we’ve hurt is the hope of having a clear conscience. We have lived with self-condemnation and probably hope that making amends will help us find forgiveness. Looking for forgiveness in the wrong places, however, may bring disappointment and give others unwarranted power over us.
The Bible doesn’t teach us to go to people to find forgiveness. God is the one who grants forgiveness: “If we confess our sins to him [God], he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness” (1 John 1:9). Jesus taught us to pray: “Forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us” (Matthew 6:12). He went on to explain, “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins” (6:14-15).
The purpose for making amends is to take personal responsibility for our behavior and the effect it has had on others. If those people respond by offering forgiveness, that is a nice bonus. Our forgiveness, however, is not in their hands. Forgiveness is with God in Jesus Christ. “For he [God] forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities” (Colossians 2:13-15).
By refusing to make amends, we deny our own sinfulness and our need of God’s forgiveness.
Step Eight
The Fruit of Forgiveness
Bible Reading: 2 Corinthians 2:5-8
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Some of the things we’ve done have earned us disapproval and possibly a loss of love. We have found that some people in our lives only love us if they can approve of our behavior. We may have struggled with bitterness toward them because we feel like they have been trying to punish us. If our “sins” have been made public, we may assume that we’ve lost the love of everyone who disapproves of our actions. This fear of rejection might deter us from reaching out to make amends.
In the young Corinthian church, a man was cut off from church fellowship when his sins were made public. After he turned around and tried to make amends, some people refused to welcome him back into the church. The apostle Paul told them, “[Remember] the man who caused all the trouble. . . . Most of you opposed him, and that was punishment enough. Now, however, it is time to forgive and comfort him. Otherwise he may be overcome by discouragement. So I urge you now to reaffirm your love for him” (2 Corinthians 2:5-8). Some people will follow this advice and reaffirm their love for you when you go to them.
There will be some people who will respond with forgiveness, comfort, acceptance, and love. This will help us overcome the grief, the bitterness, and the discouragement we may feel. Their forgiveness will help us to move on with our recovery.
When we seek to make amends, we risk rejection; when we fail to do so, we risk losing the joy of forgiveness.
Step Eight
Unintentional Sins
Bible Reading: Leviticus 4:1-28
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
As we allowed our lives to get out of control, we probably hurt people without even realizing it. Many of the people on our list were hurt by our mistakes, not by something we did intentionally. We may not remember hurting some of them, and only realize it when someone points it out. Nevertheless, we still need to take responsibility for our actions by making amends.
When God gave the commandments, he included instructions for handling mistakes as well as intentional sins. He said, “This is how you are to deal with those who sin unintentionally by doing anything that violates one of the LORD’s commands. . . . If any of the common people sin . . . but they don’t realize it, they are still guilty. When they become aware of their sin, they must bring as an offering for their sin a female goat with no defects” (Leviticus 4:2, 27-28). “But suppose you unintentionally fail to carry out all these commands that the LORD has given you. . . . If the mistake was made unintentionally, and the community was unaware of it, the whole community must present a young bull for a burnt offering. . . . They will be forgiven. For it was an unintentional sin, and they have corrected it with their offerings to the LORD” (Numbers 15:22-25).
We are responsible for the way our behavior has affected others. This is true even when we didn’t realize we were hurting them. These unintentional sins need to be acknowledged and corrected as soon as we discover them. God forgives all our sins. In the recovery process, however, the unintentional sins need to be accounted for along with the more glaring ones.
Forgiveness from unintentional sins can be a source of unintentional joy.
Step Eight
Reaping Goodness
Bible Reading: Galatians 6:7-10
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
While in recovery, we learn to accept responsibility for our actions, even when we’re powerless over our addictions. We come to realize that all our actions yield consequences. Some of us may have deceived ourselves into thinking we could escape the consequences of the things we did. But with time, it becomes clear that God has made accountability a necessary element of healthy human living.
“You will always harvest what you plant. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit” (Galatians 6:7-8).
The law of sowing and reaping can also work for us. God spoke through the prophet Hosea: “Plant the good seeds of righteousness, and you will harvest a crop of love. Plow up the hard ground of your hearts, for now is the time to seek the LORD, that he may come and shower righteousness upon you” (Hosea 10:12).
God says we always harvest what we’ve planted. Even after we’ve been forgiven, we must deal with the consequences of our actions. It may take a season of time to finish harvesting the negative consequences from our past, but we shouldn’t let this discourage us. Making our list of those we’ve harmed is a step toward planting good seeds. In time we’ll see a good crop begin to grow.
Our small, everyday actions can produce long-term consequences for good.
Step Eight
Becoming Responsible
Bible Reading: 1 Thessalonians 4:9-12
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Many of us know what it is like to be a burden on others. It is a common side effect of being controlled by an addictive/compulsive behavior. Sometimes our behaviors have caused us to lose our jobs or have made us unable to hold one down. As a result, we’ve found ourselves in financial need. This humiliation can affect our families in many ways. We may have caused loved ones great stress and shame because we haven’t provided for their needs.
The apostle Paul taught us to follow this standard: “For you know that you ought to imitate us. We were not idle when we were with you. We never accepted food from anyone without paying for it. We worked hard day and night” (2 Thessalonians 3:7-8). “Make it your goal to live a quiet life, minding your own business and working with your hands. . . . People . . . will respect the way you live, and you will not need to depend on others” (1 Thessalonians 4:11-12).
It is important for us to think about how our irresponsibility has affected others. Much pain may have been caused by our failure to provide for our families’ needs. We need to reflect on how this failure has caused us to lose their respect and trust. The shame of not facing this aspect of our lives can be terribly discouraging. Once we face this and become willing to make amends, our self-respect will get quite a boost. This step will help us get rid of some of our daily stress, freeing us up to proceed with recovery.
Making amends is a sure way to rediscover our ability to be responsible.
Step Eight
A New Outlook
Bible Reading: Acts 10:10-17
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Some of the hurt we’ve caused has resulted from wrong behaviors that can be changed. Some of it, however, has been caused by attitudes and characteristics that are deeply ingrained. They are so much a part of us that we’re not sure where they end and where we begin. Can we change these deeply ingrained characteristics?
The apostle Peter was a devout Jew, even after he became a follower of Jesus. One day, as he was praying, “he fell into a trance. He saw the sky open, and something like a large sheet. . . . In the sheet were all sorts of animals, reptiles, and birds [forbidden to the Jews for food]. Then a voice said to him, ‘Get up, Peter; kill and eat them.’ ‘No, Lord,’ Peter declared. ‘I have never eaten anything that our Jewish laws have declared impure and unclean.’ But the voice spoke again: ‘Do not call something unclean if God has made it clean.’ . . . Peter was very perplexed” (Acts 10:10-17). Immediately after this vision passed, a group of non-Jews came and asked him to come and tell them about God. Peter agreed to go to the home of a Gentile, something that just wasn’t done by a devout Jew. But the vision had shown him that his old way of life needed to change.
We’re free to change by the power of God. We may look at some area of our life and say, “There’s no way! I’ve never been able to do that, and I can’t imagine that I ever will.” Get ready! If God says we can, there’s a whole new world out there.
As we continue in recovery, God is allowed to create something new out of our past.
Step Eight
Our Comforter
Bible Reading: John 16:8-15
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
We may wonder whether a particular name belongs on the list of those we’ve hurt. We may worry that we won’t be able to determine whom we’ve hurt. Or we may hesitate, fearing that our introspection will cause us to condemn ourselves too strongly. But we need not worry; we have a helper to help us handle these problems.
Jesus said, “If you love me, obey my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate, who will never leave you. He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth” (John 14:15-17). “And when he comes, he will convict the world of its sin, and of God’s righteousness, and of the coming judgment. . . . When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own but will tell you what he has heard. He will tell you about the future” (John 16:8, 13).
The Holy Spirit is “God with us.” We can ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to us all the names of those we have hurt. He will reveal them to us. The Holy Spirit comes to convict us of sin and remind us of God’s goodness and deliverance from judgment. He is not there just to condemn us. Each pang of guilt can be given over to God for forgiveness the moment it arises. We don’t need to worry about leaving someone off the list. The Holy Spirit can remind us about them later. Just write down everyone who comes to mind, asking God to give you the willingness to make amends.
As we face each new step, God will help us do and understand everything necessary to continue.
Step Eight
Our Debt of Love
Bible Reading: Luke 10:30-37
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
When we’re self-consumed or consumed by someone else’s addiction, we may hurt others by ignoring their needs.
Jesus told this story: “A Jewish man was traveling from Jerusalem down to Jericho, and he was attacked by bandits. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him up, and left him half dead beside the road. By chance a priest came along. But when he saw the man lying there, he crossed to the other side of the road and passed him by. A Temple assistant walked over and looked at him lying there, but he also passed by on the other side. Then a despised Samaritan came along, and when he saw the man, he felt compassion for him. Going over to him, the Samaritan soothed his wounds with olive oil and wine and bandaged them. Then he . . . took him to an inn, where he took care of him” (Luke 10:30-34). Jesus was making the point that it can be hurtful to ignore the needs we see around us. One of the laws of Moses said, “If you see that the donkey of someone who hates you has collapsed under its load, do not walk by. Instead, stop and help” (Exodus 23:5).
We owe love to one another. Those who depend on us for the love they need can be deeply hurt by our neglect. There are people who need us to “walk along beside” them when they’re hurting. Whom have we ignored when we were so focused on ourselves, or on the addict in the family? Whose cries and needs have gone untended? Who has been harmed by our neglect?
Love demands that we act to meet the needs around us; that’s how God loves us.
Step Eight
Giving Our Best
Bible Reading: Colossians 3:22-25
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Though we’ve sometimes felt at our best while “under the influence,” we can see in retrospect that this wasn’t true. We’re great at rationalizing. When our lives are consumed by addictions, we’re just not at our best. Many of us may even have believed that our work was enhanced by our addictions. Being sober, we can look back at our work with new perspective. We probably realize that our job performance deteriorated and our attitudes suffered. The fact is: we weren’t giving our best.
The apostle Paul wrote, “Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything you do. Try to please them all the time, not just when they are watching you. Serve them sincerely because of your reverent fear of the Lord. Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward. . . . But if you do what is wrong, you will be paid back for the wrong you have done. For God has no favorites” (Colossians 3:22-25).
We fill a needed role in society, however lowly we may estimate that role to be. God knows that our contribution matters. When we don’t do our best, others are affected. When have people been harmed because we didn’t do our best at work? Who has been hurt by the negative attitudes we may have displayed?
Regardless of our role in life, when we are in recovery we can be our best.
Step Eight
Internal Changes
Bible Reading: Luke 19:1-10
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
There are many kinds of thieves. Some of us stole to support our habits, when our addictions demanded it. Others of us have never stolen anyone’s property, but are thieves in another sense. We may have robbed ourselves of opportunities or dignity. Perhaps, we’ve stolen the heart of someone’s spouse or robbed our children of their childhood. All these robberies have victims.
The apostle Paul said, “If you are a thief, quit stealing. Instead, use your hands for good hard work, and then give generously to others in need” (Ephesians 4:28). When Zacchaeus turned his life over to Christ he had to look at how many people he had cheated and stolen from in his unethical business deals. “Zacchaeus stood before the Lord and said, ‘I will give half my wealth to the poor, Lord, and if I have cheated people on their taxes, I will give them back four times as much!’” (Luke 19:8).
Any time we take something that’s not rightfully ours, or use something that doesn’t belong to us without the permission of the rightful owner, that is stealing. People need to maintain clear boundaries of what belongs to them, whether in their material goods or in their committed relationships. If we have violated the boundaries and taken something belonging to others, we have spoiled their sense of security and brought them harm. We need to broaden our definition of stealing and ask God to show us everyone we’ve harmed in this way.
Changes we see on the outside usually reflect changes that have already happened on the inside.
Step Eight
Amends with Children
Bible Reading: Ephesians 6:1-4
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
All parents probably feel guilty at one time or another about how we have raised our kids. When there is addiction in the family, we are likely to be even harder on ourselves. We may just throw up our hands, giving up completely on parenting our children. If our needs weren’t met during childhood, we may be totally at a loss; we may not know how to meet the needs of our little ones. We may be so overwhelmed by the responsibility of parenting that we stay in denial about how our lifestyles affect them.
The apostle Paul wrote, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). “Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21). Children also rely on their parents for their physical needs. Paul said, “Children don’t provide for their parents. Rather, parents provide for their children” (2 Corinthians 12:14).
When we fail to provide for our children’s needs, they are hurt. It may be hard to face because we feel so overwhelmed ourselves. We can make amends by letting them know that it’s not their fault. We can reaffirm our love for them and let them know that we’re taking steps to change.
The fact of our recovery is best proven in our homes, with those we love.
Step Eight
Loving Submission
Bible Reading: Ephesians 5:21-33
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Those closest to us cannot escape being harmed by the consequences of our actions. If we are married, our addictions are harmful to our marriage partners, even if we hate to admit it.
The Bible tells us that marriage should be a relationship that satisfies the needs of both partners. The apostle Paul wrote, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. . . . Husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’. . . So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:21, 28-31, 33).
God says that our lives are literally intertwined with the lives of our mates. It may be a healthy union or a dysfunctional one. In either case, we’re united. The behavior of one always affects the other. Any time we fail to break the bonds with our parents, fail to love sacrificially, or fail to show respect for our spouse, we are hurting them and ourselves. Surely, they have hurt us, too; but for now, we’re dealing with our own issues.
The most important amends we face are with those to whom we are closest.
Step Eight
Harming Ourselves
Bible Reading: Luke 6:36-38
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
We all know that we’ve been hurt. But some of us are so focused on how we’ve been victimized and how others have hurt us that we fail to see how we’ve been hurting ourselves. We may spend a lot of time and energy on trying to change how others treat us, but to no avail. Perhaps we need to begin by looking at ways we’ve been hurting ourselves. Then we can work on changing them.
The Bible points out many danger areas where we are likely to hurt ourselves. Here are some of them: “Stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body” (Ephesians 4:25). “Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body” (1 Corinthians 6:18). Jesus said, “Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven. Give, and you will receive” (Luke 6:37-38).
God loves us every bit as much as he loves the people we’ve harmed. He understands the actions that cause us pain and wants to help us avoid them. We may be guaranteeing our continued pain by continuing to do things that are guaranteed to hurt us. Being willing to make amends to ourselves includes being willing to renounce and give up the behaviors that destroy our lives. As we are willing to give these things up, we’ll begin to find good things coming back our way.
When we’ve made bad choices, we first need to make amends to ourselves.
Step Eight
Amends with God
Bible Reading: 1 Corinthians 6:15-17
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
We’re on intimate terms with God, whether we realize it or not. We’ve probably thought a lot about how our sins have hurt the people in our lives. But we may be surprised to find out how intimately acquainted God is with our sin, and the emotional impact it has on him.
The apostle Paul warned, “Do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live” (Ephesians 4:30). We can actually cause God grief by our actions, because the Holy Spirit of God is always with us. When we enter into sin, we take him with us. Paul explained, “Don’t you realize that your bodies are actually parts of Christ? Should a man take his body, which is part of Christ, and join it to a prostitute? Never! And don’t you realize that if a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her? For the Scriptures say, ‘The two are united into one.’ But the person who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with him” (1 Corinthians 6:15-17). When Potiphar’s wife attempted to seduce Joseph, the reason he gave for resisting was, “It would be a great sin against God” (Genesis 39:9).
God is our loving Father! We may not realize it, but God is intimately involved with our lives. He sees everything! He knows the pain in store for us when we make bad decisions. And he grieves deeply when we’re doing things that will hurt us and his other loved ones. We need to ask ourselves when we may have caused God sorrow and grief.
Because God loves us so much, we hurt him deeply when we sin.
Step Eight
The Power of Words
Bible Reading: James 3:5-10
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Words can hurt terribly! We’ve all said things that we regret. Stinging words leave their mark, and we can’t take away the sting or erase the emotional impact they have. We may have made our tongues a tool of deception. Learning to tell lies expertly, we may have shattered someone’s trust. We may have used our words to attack and wound our children and our spouses.
James recognized the terrible power of our words: “The tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself. People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth” (James 3:5-10).
There seems to be no final cure for this unruly member of our body. We need to respect what great damage it can do. Kids may chant, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” But this is a weak defense against a verbal weapon that can shatter our spirit. Whom have we hurt with our words?
Our words are like fire: we cannot control them or reverse the damage they cause.
Step Eight
Shared Addictions
Bible Reading: Proverbs 4:14-17
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Most of us didn’t fall into sin alone. We may have softened our guilt about falling into addiction by bringing other people along with us. Whatever the addiction, it seems there’s a tendency to lure others into the same pit. Whom have we harmed by bringing them down with us?
Solomon warned, “Don’t do as the wicked do, and don’t follow the path of evildoers. Don’t even think about it; don’t go that way. Turn away and keep moving. For evil people can’t sleep until they’ve done their evil deed for the day. They can’t rest until they’ve caused someone to stumble. They eat the food of wickedness and drink the wine of violence!” (Proverbs 4:14-17). Peter warned of false teachers who used their position to take advantage of those who were emotionally needy. He said of them, “They commit adultery with their eyes, and their desire for sin is never satisfied. They lure unstable people into sin” (2 Peter 2:14).
Solomon noted the power of seduction when he warned young men about the lure of a prostitute: “Don’t let your hearts stray away toward her. Don’t wander down her wayward path. For she has been the ruin of many; many men have been her victims. Her house is the road to the grave” (Proverbs 7:25-27).
We see the devastating effect we can have when we lure and seduce others to join us in sin. Whom have we harmed by breaking down their will to do good, and luring them back into trouble?
No one stands alone; our addictions are usually tied to the addictions of others.
Step Eight
Undoing the Damage
Bible Reading: Romans 8:28-30
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
We may feel a bit discouraged after thinking of all the people we’ve hurt. We see that even though we are willing to make amends, we won’t be able to undo all the damage we’ve done. But there’s still good reason to be encouraged.
The Bible has promised, “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And having chosen them, he called them to come to him. And having called them, he gave them right standing with himself” (Romans 8:28-30).
Here’s how one sin was turned around to be used by God for good. Judah had sex with a woman he assumed to be a prostitute. She was really his widowed daughter-in-law, who was upset that he hadn’t given her his other son for a husband. She had twin boys, Perez and Zerah, who had their grandpa for a father! (Genesis 38). Many were hurt by this unsavory situation.
Our hope lies in seeing how God can bring about good, even through our worst sins. In Matthew 1:3 we see that Perez and Zerah, the sons of Judah and Tamar, are in the direct lineage that brought Jesus Christ into the world! We can be encouraged that God has forgiven our sins and he has the power to bring good things out of horrible circumstances.
God can turn our greatest tragedies into events that bring honor to him.
Step Eight
No Small Sins
Bible Reading: 1 Samuel 21:1-10; 22:21-23
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Sometimes we end up hurting innocent victims. When we started down the road seeking pleasure, or a path of safety or escape from our problems, we never imagined that our actions would lead to the destruction of innocent lives.
When young David was escaping from the wrath of King Saul, he ran to the priest, Ahimelech. “‘The king has sent me on a private matter,’ David said. ‘He told me not to tell anybody why I am here. . . . The king’s business was so urgent that I didn’t even have time to grab a weapon!’” (1 Samuel 21:1-2, 8). The priest believed David’s story and assisted him. But King Saul saw Ahimelech as a co-conspirator and had all eighty-five priests killed along with their entire families. Only one of Ahimelech’s sons escaped to tell David what had happened. David responded, “Now I have caused the death of all your father’s family. Stay here with me, and don’t be afraid. I will protect you with my own life” (22:22-23).
David never intended to hurt anyone. He was just trying to cover his own tracks and get what he needed in his desperation. He recognized his responsibility and tried to do what he could after the tragedy. When people suffer innocently because of things we do, it will help them and their families if we acknowledge our responsibility and do whatever we can to help.
In recovery we must take responsibility for the consequences of our actions.
Step Eight
Healing with Parents
Bible Reading: Proverbs 17:25; 19:13, 26
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Our parents are deeply connected to our lives on some level. And whether our families are intact or not, whether our parents acknowledge their love for us or not, whether they’ve made a mess of their lives or are a picture of perfection, they are still our parents. They once held us in their arms and had hopes and dreams that our lives could be better than their own. Parents are deeply vulnerable to hurt from their children. When our lives are damaged by the effects of addiction, our parents will be vulnerable to the pain.
Solomon had plenty to say about how wayward children can hurt their parents. Here are some of those comments from the book of Proverbs: “Foolish children bring grief to their father and bitterness to the one who gave them birth” (Proverbs 17:25). “A foolish child is a calamity to a father” (19:13). “Young people . . . with wild friends bring shame to their parents” (28:7). “Anyone who steals from his father and mother and says, ‘What’s wrong with that?’ is no better than a murderer” (28:24). “Children who mistreat their father or chase away their mother are an embarrassment and a public disgrace” (19:26).
We have the capacity to cause grief, bitter sorrow, calamity, shame, and disgrace to our parents. These are many of the things we reap in our own lives when we are dominated by an addiction. Even if our parents have contributed to our problems, we can still take responsibility for our side of the relationship by doing what we can to make things right with them.
Coming to terms with our parents is an essential part of our recovery.
Step Eight
Missing the Party
Bible Reading: Luke 15:28-32
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
When we think about making amends and reconciling relationships we may find that some places in our hearts are unwilling to take a step toward the other person. There may be unresolved anger, jealousy, and resentment; we may feel unable to forgive.
Jesus told a story about a man whose younger son took an early inheritance and left home. He wasted his money on riotous living and returned in desperate need. The older brother was angry and complained to his father. “‘All these years I’ve slaved for you and never once refused to do a single thing you told me to. And in all that time you never gave me even one young goat for a feast with my friends. Yet when this son of yours comes back after squandering your money on prostitutes, you celebrate by killing the fattened calf!’ His father said to him, ‘Look, dear son, you have always stayed by me, and everything I have is yours. We had to celebrate this happy day. For your brother was dead and has come back to life! He was lost, but now he is found!’” (Luke 15:29-32).
Unresolved anger, resentment, and jealousy are very harmful, even if we’ve done all the “good deeds” expected of us. We harm ourselves and others by our self-pity and emotional manipulation. If we face this kind of roadblock, we need to stop rehearsing everyone else’s wrongs. We need to deal with the things that are keeping us from attending the “party” of life.
When we resist making amends we cut ourselves off from the joys of life.
Step Eight
Loving Hearts
Bible Reading: James 4:11-12
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
We can harm others by our attitudes as well as our actions. We may see ourselves as “righteous,” assuming a superior attitude, ready to criticize at any moment. We may feel we have the right to criticize because others aren’t measuring up to what we think should be expected. But our judgmental nagging doesn’t seem to help others improve their performance.
James wrote, “Don’t speak evil against each other, dear brothers and sisters. . . . But your job is to obey the law, not to judge whether it applies to you” (James 4:11-12). Here’s an example of someone who was critical when he didn’t understand the whole situation. Eli the priest saw Hannah in the temple. “Seeing her lips moving but hearing no sound, he thought she had been drinking” (1 Samuel 1:13). Hannah was actually begging God to give her a child; her silent prayer was driven by a sad heart, not a drunken mind.
We are not God! We haven’t been designated as the judge of the people around us. So we really don’t have the right to criticize and speak evil of others. Besides, we may not fully understand the problems involved and may end up adding to them instead of helping. We need to consider how our negative, critical, and self-righteous attitudes have harmed others and become willing to make amends. Perhaps our focus on the wrongs of others is a way to avoid our own problems.
As God loves us, he wants to create loving hearts within us.
Step Eight
Full of Mercy
Bible Reading: Matthew 9:10-13
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
In families where addictions are forceful, there’s usually someone who falls into the role of being superhuman and self-righteous. In the family system, this person balances out the identified “addict,” who feels subhuman. If we are one of the self-righteous ones, it is harder for us to identify ourselves because we don’t look sick. We seem to be stable and have it all together. However, it can become very lonely as we separate ourselves from everyone whom we perceive to be below us.
The Pharisees once asked why Jesus associated with sinners. “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do. . . . For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners” (Matthew 9:12-13). Here’s God’s view of the self-righteous: “They say to each other, ‘Don’t come too close or you will defile me! I am holier than you!’ These people are a stench in my nostrils, an acrid smell that never goes away” (Isaiah 65:5).
We may not realize how harmful self-righteousness can be. We can be hurting others by our lack of mercy, even though we’re doing all the “right” things. Self-righteousness is hard to see in ourselves. We may need to ask our loved ones if this type of attitude has harmed them. Then we need to be willing to really listen to the answer they give.
As we become willing to make amends, mercy begins to grow in our hearts.
Step Eight
The Gift of Gratitude
Bible Reading: Luke 17:11-19
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
We can become so focused on our own struggles and pain that we forget to show gratitude to God or to the people who are instrumental in our healing. We may come to expect special treatment and forget that those who are showing care for our lives really deserve our thanks.
Jesus healed ten lepers and told them to go to the priests and show them that they were healed. “And as they went, they were cleansed of their leprosy. One of them, when he saw that he was healed, came back to Jesus, shouting, ‘Praise God!’ He fell to the ground at Jesus’ feet, thanking him for what he had done. This man was a Samaritan. Jesus asked, ‘Didn’t I heal ten men? Where are the other nine? Has no one returned to give glory to God except this foreigner?’” (Luke 17:14-18). The apostle Paul said, “Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:18).
Jesus was both God and man. As God he deserved the glory and the gratitude for the miracle of curing this incurable disease. Perhaps, in his humanity, his feelings were hurt by being so taken for granted. He didn’t have to heal them. He extended himself out of love and compassion. Are there people in our lives who have reached out in loving compassion to help us, only to be taken for granted? Have we become so self-centered because of our own pain that we’ve failed to express gratitude to those who have helped us?
We receive the gift of great joy when we are able to receive God’s other gifts with gratitude.
Step Eight
Sensitive Hearts
Bible Reading: Luke 16:19-31
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
One of the pitfalls of recovery is that we tend to become extremely self-focused and fail to see the needs of others. If we’ve been a rescuer, we can go overboard in our recovery and ignore valid needs. If we’re medicating our pain through work, or some other drug or distraction, we can numb ourselves to the needs of others while we’re numbing our own pain. Perhaps, we need to consider those around us who were needy while we were consumed with our own lives.
“Jesus said, ‘There was a certain rich man who was splendidly clothed in purple and fine linen and who lived each day in luxury. At his gate lay a poor man named Lazarus who was covered with sores. As Lazarus lay there longing for scraps from the rich man’s table, the dogs would come and lick his open sores. Finally, the poor man died and was carried by the angels to be with Abraham. The rich man also died and was buried, and his soul went to the place of the dead [Hades]’” (Luke 16:19-23).
The point for us to consider is not that we may go to hell for neglecting the needs of others. Our salvation is insured by the blood of Jesus, which covers all of our sins. But we need to consider whether we have neglected the needs of those around us while we were consumed with addictions or with our recovery. Our children, spouse, or others may feel like they were bleeding on our doorstep and we didn’t even notice because we were so self-consumed. Whom have we hurt by neglecting their valid needs?
Our recovery is only successful to the extent that we grow more sensitive to those around us.
Step Eight
Making Restitution
Bible Reading: Exodus 22:10-15
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Irresponsibility is often associated with those who are caught up in addictive family systems. We may see ourselves as irresponsible and condemn ourselves. Or we may notice our irresponsible behavior, but excuse ourselves because of all that we’ve been dealing with. Or we may not even notice our irresponsible behavior, but have recurrent problems with others because we fail to respect their property.
The Bible clearly states, “If someone borrows an animal from a neighbor and it is injured or dies when the owner is absent, the person who borrowed it must pay full compensation” (Exodus 22:14). David once wrote, “The wicked borrow and never repay, but the godly are generous givers” (Psalm 37:21).
The Bible does tell us that it’s important to take responsibility for the things we borrow. We may feel like we’re being condemned as chronically evil if we’ve had a problem with irresponsibility. The word translated “wicked” really means one who is morally wrong or a person who acts badly. God sees irresponsible behavior as a bad action which can be corrected. He doesn’t see us as hopelessly bad. Regardless of what we’ve been through, we are still held responsible to respect the property of others. We need to consider who we’ve harmed by being negligent or irresponsible with the use of their property.
Paying restitution builds bridges with others and establishes peace within ourselves.
Step Eight
Too Busy!
Bible Reading: Luke 10:38-42
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
We may be the one who tries to hold it all together in the family. We figure that if we don’t take care of things, they just won’t be taken care of. So we rush around trying to make sure that everything is as it should be. We may fume that others don’t pitch in and help. We may simmer in our own self-pity, as we silently hope that someone will notice that we need help. We may hurt others by lashing out unexpectedly or by blaming them.
Jesus dealt compassionately with a woman who behaved in a similar way. Jesus and the disciples “came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, ‘Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.’ But the Lord said to her, ‘My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her’” (Luke 10:38-42).
Martha deprived herself by trying to be available to everyone. She deprived herself of what she really needed, while playing the martyr. The result was resentment, self-pity, and indignation that no one came to her rescue. Whom have we hurt, ourselves included, by behaving as Martha did?
Keeping busy with the wrong things robs us of the even better things God has for us.