Step Nine
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
“If someone says, ‘I love God,’ but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar. . . . He has given us this command: Those who love God must also love their Christian brothers and sisters” (1 John 4:20-21).
Step Nine
Keeping Promises
Bible Reading: 2 Samuel 9:1-9
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
How many people are still living in the shadow of our unkept promises? Is it too late to go back now and try to make it up to them?
King David had made some promises to his friend Jonathan. “One day David asked, ‘Is anyone in Saul’s family still alive—anyone to whom I can show kindness for Jonathan’s sake?’” (2 Samuel 9:1).
Jonathan’s only living son, Mephibosheth, had lived a long time with the pain of David’s unkept promise. It had shaped his lifestyle, his emotional condition, the way he thought about himself. His grandfather, King Saul, had mistreated David before David became king. Perhaps Mephibosheth was afraid that David would mistreat him on account of his grandfather. Perhaps he had begun to take the guilt of his grandfather’s sins upon himself. Generations of fear and guilt had been laid upon him—until David remembered and fulfilled his promise.
There are probably people in our lives who have been affected by promises we’ve failed to keep. It is important that we try to fulfill whatever promises we are able to. When we can’t, the least we can do is to ask what our neglect meant to those we disappointed.
As we make amends we restore to others what rightfully belongs to them.
Step Nine
From Takers to Givers
Bible Reading: Luke 19:1-10
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
When we are feeding our addictions, it is easy to become consumed by our own needs. Nothing matters except getting what we crave so desperately. We may have to lie, cheat, kill, or steal; but that doesn’t stop us. Within our families and community we become known as “takers,” trampling over the unseen needs of others.
Zacchaeus had the same problem. His hunger for riches drove him to betray his own people by collecting taxes for the oppressive Roman government. He was hated by his own people as a thief, an extortionist, and a traitor. But when Jesus reached out to him, he changed dramatically. “Zacchaeus stood before the Lord and said, ‘I will give half my wealth to the poor, Lord, and if I have cheated people on their taxes, I will give them back four times as much!’ Jesus responded, ‘Salvation has come to this home today’” (Luke 19:8-9).
Zacchaeus went beyond just paying back what he had taken. For the first time in a long time, he saw the needs of others and wanted to be a “giver.”
Making amends includes paying back what we’ve taken, whenever possible. Some of us may even seize the opportunity to go even further, giving even more. As we begin to see the needs of others and respond by choice, our self-esteem will rise. We will begin to realize that we can give to others, instead of just being a burden.
Making amends is the first step to becoming a giver.
Step Nine
Rebuilding Relationships
Bible Reading: Acts 15:36-41
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
How many times have we written people off because of some dispute in the distant past? Years pass and people change; yet we cling to our old ways of seeing them. Perhaps we never saw them very clearly in the first place! For some of us, making amends will include reviewing our relationships. We may need to change our estimation of some of those we’ve already judged.
Paul and Barnabas traveled together on a missionary journey, taking John Mark along as their assistant. When things got tough, the young man deserted them and went home. Later, Barnabas wanted to give John Mark another chance, but Paul refused. “Their disagreement was so sharp that they separated” (Acts 15:39). Much later in his life, Paul was put in prison. During that time, he wrote to Timothy and asked for John Mark. He said, “He is useful to me for ministry” (2 Timothy 4:11, NKJV).
The Bible doesn’t tell us how Paul came to change his opinion of John Mark. Perhaps he realized that he hadn’t been completely fair. Maybe John Mark had changed over the years. At some point, though, they had reestablished their relationship and repaired the emotional damage done.
Making amends includes going back and settling emotional accounts. When we’ve judged someone harshly, we need to reexamine our relationship with that person. If we expect others to change how they look at us, we will need to do the same for others.
By making amends, we become open to God’s life-changing power.
Step Nine
Good Things from God
Bible Reading: Genesis 32:1-12
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
There may be people whom we’ve hurt so badly that they hate us. There may be considerable risks involved in going back to face them. The pain may not be erased, even after many years. But as difficult as such a meeting might be, it may help in our healing process—if God is leading us to do it.
Jacob had so injured his brother Esau through his crafty schemes that Esau had vowed to kill him. Jacob ran away, fearing for his life. Twenty years later God told him to return home. So Jacob sent messengers ahead of him to see what kind of reception he could expect. “The messengers returned to Jacob and reported, ‘We met your brother, Esau, and he is already on his way to meet you—with an army of 400 men!’ Jacob was terrified at the news. . . . Then Jacob prayed, . . . ‘O LORD, please rescue me from the hand of my brother, Esau. I am afraid that he is coming to attack me. . . . But you promised me, “I will surely treat you kindly”’” (Genesis 32:6-7, 9-12).
We can learn from Jacob’s example in this situation. First, we must be certain that God is leading us. We can pray earnestly, remembering his previous provisions and trusting in his promises. Then, asking for protection, we must take steps toward reconciliation.
God’s call to make amends will lead us down a path toward good things.
Step Nine
Unfinished Business
Bible Reading: Philemon 1:13-16
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Sometimes we need to complete unfinished business before we can move forward toward new opportunities in life. Some of us may have left a trail of broken laws and relationships behind us—things we need to address before moving on.
A new life doesn’t excuse us from past obligations. While the apostle Paul was in prison, he led a runaway slave named Onesimus into a new life. Paul sent him back to his master, even though Onesimus risked the death penalty for his offense. Since his previous master was a friend of Paul’s, and a Christian brother, they hoped that Onesimus would be forgiven.
Onesimus carried a letter to his master from Paul, which read, “I wanted to keep him [Onesimus] here with me. . . . But I didn’t want to do anything without your consent. . . . You lost Onesimus for a little while so that you could have him back forever. He is no longer like a slave to you. He is more than a slave, for he is a beloved brother. . . . If he has wronged you in any way or owes you anything, charge it to me” (Philemon 1:13-16, 18).
Before we can move ahead we must face the unfinished business of the past. This includes offering to pay back what we owe, coming clean with the law, and going back to the people from whom we ran away. We can’t assume forgiveness from people, although we can hope for it. In some cases we may be surprised to find pardon and release from the bondage of our past.
Making direct amends will release us from our bondage to the past.
Step Nine
Something from Nothing
Bible Reading: Luke 15:11-24
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Some of us may have stolen things from others, but now have no means of paying them back. How can we face the people we’ve wronged when we have nothing to offer? Since working through Step Eight, we should be willing to humbly approach the people we’ve wronged. But if we can’t repay our debts, what’s the point?
Jesus told a story about a young son who demanded an early inheritance and left home. He wasted his fortune on riotous living. He hit bottom, so to speak, and decided to go back to his father. He had nothing left of what he had taken and no means with which to ever repay his father. We can imagine his feelings as he rehearsed what he would say.
“So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. . . . his father said to the servants, ‘Quick! . . . We must celebrate with a feast, for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.’ So the party began” (Luke 15:20-24).
We may feel like we have nothing to offer. But to the people who love us, we are more important than anything else we could give them. The apostle Paul said, “Owe nothing to anyone—except for your obligation to love one another” (Romans 13:8). Though we may not be able to pay our debts right away, we can still offer our love.
Making amends can be the richest of gifts.
Step Nine
A Servant’s Heart
Bible Reading: Philippians 2:1-8
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
At this point in recovery, most of us have experienced some major changes in our attitudes. At one time, we were so consumed by our addictions that we thought only of ourselves, failing to show any consideration for others. In this step, the focus is on the interests and needs of others.
The apostle Paul taught, “Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others too” (Philippians 2:3-4). Whether we make direct amends to others or choose not to because of the injury it would cause, we are concerned with protecting others from pain and suffering.
There may be situations where we will suffer if we go back to make amends. This is part of the work of recovery, and the potential pain should not deter us. The apostle Peter wrote, “If you suffer for doing good and endure it patiently, God is pleased with you. . . . Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps. He never sinned, nor ever deceived anyone. He did not retaliate when he was insulted, nor threaten revenge when he suffered. He left his case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly” (1 Peter 2:20-23).
This step can be very difficult as we face the painful consequences of past actions. During this time, we need to turn our lives over to the care of God. He will fairly and wisely decide what will happen to us.
The best cure for selfishness is God’s call to serve others.
Step Nine
Making Peace
Bible Reading: Matthew 5:23-25
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
We all suffer brokenness within ourselves, in our relationship with God, and in our relationships with others. Brokenness tends to weigh us down and can easily lead us back into our addictions. Recovery isn’t complete until all areas of brokenness are mended.
Jesus taught, “So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God” (Matthew 5:23-24). The apostle John wrote, “If someone says, ‘I love God,’ but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see?” (1 John 4:20).
Much of recovery involves repairing the brokenness in our lives. This requires that we make peace with God, within ourselves, and with others whom we’ve alienated. Unresolved issues in relationships can disable us from being at peace with God and ourselves. Once we go through the process of making amends, we must keep our minds and hearts open to anyone we may have overlooked. God will often remind us of relationships that need attention. When these come to mind, we should stop everything and go to those we’ve offended, seeking to repair the damage.
Making direct amends brings peace—with ourselves, others, and God.
Step Nine
Choosing to Love
Bible Reading: Luke 6:27-36
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
As we set out to mend relationships, there are some things that are beyond our control. Some people may refuse to be reconciled, even when we do our best to make amends. This may leave us feeling like a victim. Once again we’re stuck with the pain of unresolved issues. We may be left with negative feelings that continue to surface. What can we do to gain power in these situations?
Jesus said (emphasis added), “But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. . . . Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked” (Luke 6:27-28, 35).
We no longer need to be controlled by other people’s dispositions. Even when we’ve done our best to make amends for the wrongs we’ve done, the situations may not change. And even when we’ve come to terms with the wrongs that have been done against us, our feelings may not change. But we don’t have to be held captive by our feelings or the feelings of others. We can choose to act in a loving way. This will free us from being controlled by anyone other than God. As we choose to do good, our feelings will follow with time.
Our recovery is not decided by the responses of others; it is in God’s hands alone.
Step Nine
Imperfect Love
Bible Reading: John 21:14-19
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
We may wonder how we can love others but still hurt them. This paradox causes shame, sometimes erecting a barrier between us and the ones we love. We may be afraid to say that we love them, thinking, If I really loved them, I wouldn’t let them down the way I have.
Peter had once sworn his love for Jesus. But then, after Jesus was arrested, Peter protected himself by denying that he even knew him. Jesus wasn’t surprised. But Peter had a hard time forgiving himself. After Jesus rose from the dead, he had this conversation with Peter. “Jesus asked Simon Peter, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?’ ‘Yes, Lord,’ Peter replied, ‘you know I love you.’ . . . A third time he asked him, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me?’ Peter was hurt that Jesus asked the question a third time. He said, ‘Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you’” (John 21:15-17).
Jesus allowed Peter to affirm his love the best he could and accepted him as he was. In this way, Jesus reduced the shame and restored the relationship. Shame and isolation can lead us back to our addictions. For the sake of our recovery, we must not let our shame cause us to avoid the people we love. It’s all right if we love others imperfectly—no one is perfect. But we must keep our love relationships together until they’ve had time to heal.
Making amends for our imperfections will help us understand the true nature of love.
Step Nine
Covering the Past
Bible Reading: Ezekiel 33:10-16
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
When we walk down the wrong paths in life, we end up in bad places and experience devastating losses. If we go far enough down those paths, we endanger our very lives. We may wonder if we’ve already gone too far. Is a new way of life still possible, even if we turn from our old ways and make amends?
Even under the Old Testament laws, there was hope for those who chose to turn around and make amends. The Lord spoke through Ezekiel, saying, “Give the people of Israel this message: You are saying, ‘Our sins are heavy upon us; we are wasting away! How can we survive?’ As surely as I live, says the Sovereign LORD, I take no pleasure in the death of wicked people. I only want them to turn from their wicked ways so they can live. Turn! Turn from your wickedness, O people of Israel! Why should you die? Son of man, give your people this message: The righteous behavior of righteous people will not save them if they turn to sin, nor will the wicked behavior of wicked people destroy them if they repent and turn from their sins. . . . Suppose I tell some wicked people that they will surely die, but then they turn from their sins and do what is just and right. For instance, they might give back a debtor’s security, return what they have stolen, and obey my life-giving laws, no longer doing what is evil. If they do this, then they will surely live and not die.None of their past sins will be brought up again, for they have done what is just and right, and they will surely live” (Ezekiel 33:10-12, 14-16).
There’s hope for everyone who turns around and makes amends. Our past sins can be overshadowed by the new life ahead of us.
Recovery leads to right actions, and then, to restitution.
Step Nine
Desperate Hunger
Bible Reading: Proverbs 6:30-31
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
There are conditions that drive us to our addictions. There’s some need inside that makes it worth the risk involved. It deadens us to our own sense of what is right and wrong. We’ll do anything to satisfy the hunger our addiction feeds. We wish people could understand that we don’t risk everything good in our lives on a whim. We feel like we’re starving. By now, we’re coming to realize that although there are conditions that drive us to our addictions, we still must take responsibility for the wrong that we do.
King Solomon once wrote, “Excuses might be found for a thief who steals because he is starving. But if he is caught, he must pay back seven times what he stole, even if he has to sell everything in his house” (Proverbs 6:30-31).
God understands that there can be areas of starvation within us that drive us to do wrong. Certainly, once we identify those areas we will have more compassion for ourselves and from others who understand. But we’re still responsible to make amends, even though this may be costly. The cost of making amends will help us face the immediacy of our need to deal with the starvation. Perhaps when we understand the hungers involved, we will be able to find the help we need to satisfy them. Only when the starvation is satisfied will we be able to remain free from our addictions.
In recovery we learn not to destroy ourselves through unwise actions.
Step Nine
Regaining Control
Bible Reading: Exodus 22:5-6
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
When we give in to our addictions, we feel isolated. We feel alone in our pain and need something to overcome it. We never expected our behaviors to affect the lives of others. We weren’t thinking about the people around us; we were focused on our own pain. We just wanted to feel better. Our addictions seemed to promise us a way to destroy the pain without hurting anyone else.
The Old Testament says, “If you are burning thornbushes and the fire gets out of control and spreads into another person’s field, destroying the sheaves or the uncut grain or the whole crop, the one who started the fire must pay for the lost crop” (Exodus 22:6).
This law was especially important in the farming community of early Israel. It stated a person’s responsibility for damages caused when his attempt to burn up thornbushes in his own field got out of control and burned the valuable grain in adjoining fields. Here’s an analogy: The thorns represent the pain we’re trying to consume with the fire of our addictions. At first we don’t realize how our lives are connected to others, or the damage that can result when our addictions get out of control. In retrospect, however, we can see how the fire of our addictions has destroyed much more than the thornbushes of our pain. Making amends means we need to account for all the losses that have resulted from the fire we started.
Making amends helps us take responsibility for the pain we’ve caused.
Step Nine
Civic Duty
Bible Reading: Matthew 17:24-27
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
We sometimes neglect our obligations because we disagree with the systems of which we are a part. This is a natural tendency. But it can become a greater problem when we’re burdened with the pressures of addiction. Part of our recovery may involve realigning ourselves with some of society’s expectations and demands, even when we may not be in full agreement with them.
Even Jesus had problems with the IRS of his day. Jesus asked Peter, “‘What do you think, Peter? Do kings tax their own people or the people they have conquered?’ ‘They tax the people they have conquered,’ Peter replied. ‘Well, then,’ Jesus said, ‘the citizens are free! However, we don’t want to offend them, so go down to the lake and throw in a line. Open the mouth of the first fish you catch, and you will find a large silver coin. Take it and pay the tax for both of us’” (Matthew 17:25-27).
The kings of Jesus’ day drew their tax revenues from the nations they had conquered. Since Jesus was the Son of God, he should have been exempt from taxation by the Temple leaders—the representatives of God. Jesus still submitted himself to the demands of the society he lived in. We, too, need to be in good standing with our government. We need to pay our taxes and fulfill any other civic obligations demanded by the law.
We need to make things right even if we don’t agree with all the stipulations.
Step Nine
Authorities
Bible Reading: 1 Peter 2:13-17
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
By turning our lives over to the care of God, we’ll experience God’s power for good. This will naturally lead us to make amends. We may be known for being at odds with society and the laws of the land. So when we begin to change, we may cause some heads to turn. People who have never experienced God’s power will see the effect it’s had on us. They will probably wonder what could have changed us so drastically.
The apostle Peter wrote, “For the Lord’s sake, respect all human authority—whether the king as head of state, or the officials he has appointed. For the king has sent them to punish those who do wrong and to honor those who do right. It is God’s will that your honorable lives should silence those ignorant people who make foolish accusations against you. For you are free, yet you are God’s slaves, so don’t use your freedom as an excuse to do evil. Respect everyone, and love your Christian brothers and sisters. Fear God, and respect the king” (1 Peter 2:13-17).
Obeying the law and meeting our obligations to society are important parts of making amends. We need to deal with our attitudes toward the laws of our land and the people in law enforcement. We may feel like we haven’t hurt anyone, but if we’ve violated the law, we’re responsible to face the consequences.
As we make amends we must face how we feel about authority figures.
Step Nine
Free from Fear
Bible Reading: Genesis 26:1-11
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Making amends is one of the most difficult steps in recovery. So for encouragement, perhaps we should consider some of the benefits we can gain. Before coming clean, we live with the gnawing fear of being found out. Most addictions require us to live a lie; we are haunted by the hidden fear that everything is about to unravel. Our families also are burdened by hidden fears and shame. Setting out to make amends can change all this.
Here’s a story of how one family was affected by having to live a lie. “Isaac stayed in Gerar. When the men who lived there asked Isaac about his wife, Rebekah, he said, ‘She is my sister’ . . . He thought, ‘They will kill me to get her, because she is so beautiful.’ But some time later, Abimelech, king of the Philistines, looked out his window and saw Isaac caressing Rebekah. Immediately, Abimelech called for Isaac and exclaimed, ‘She is obviously your wife! Why did you say, “She is my sister”?’ ‘Because I was afraid someone would kill me to get her from me,’ Isaac replied” (Genesis 26:6-9).
Imagine the negative effect this lie had on Isaac and Rebekah’s relationship. When they weren’t pretending, they lived with constant fear. When we make amends and learn to live with the truth there is a great relief from fear. We are freed up from the pressures of always having to pretend to be something we’re not. This relief can bring new life to all our intimate relationships.
In making amends we discover the freedom that comes by way of the truth.
Step Nine
Free from Shame
Bible Reading: Genesis 3:6-10
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Before we make amends, constant guilt plagues our relationships with the people we’ve hurt. We actually give them power over us. We avoid them, feeling uncomfortable in social situations where they’re present. We exclude them from our circle of friends. We become evasive and always hope that we won’t have to deal with the shame of facing them. Living in hiding is not a good feeling.
Look at these two examples of people in hiding: “At that moment their eyes were opened, and they [Adam and Eve] suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves. When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man and his wife heard the LORD God walking about in the garden. So they hid from the LORD God among the trees. Then the LORD God called to the man, ‘Where are you?’ He replied, ‘I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid’” (Genesis 3:7-10). “One day Cain suggested to his brother, ‘Let’s go out into the fields.’ And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother, Abel, and killed him. Afterward the LORD asked Cain, ‘Where is your brother? Where is Abel?’ ‘I don’t know,’ Cain responded. ‘Am I my brother’s guardian?’” (4:8-9).
These are not stories of happy people! Living a lie necessarily forces us to live in shame and isolation. We begin to live constantly on the defensive. When we make amends, we’re free to resume our relationships with God and others, and without the fear or shame.
Making things right with others will bring freedom from shame.
Step Nine
Surprised by Love
Bible Reading: Luke 15:18-21
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Often our behaviors result not only in harming others, but also in alienating us from the people who love us. We begin to feel embarrassed around others. We wonder how we’ll be received when we meet the people we’ve hurt. Step Nine says that we are to make direct amends wherever possible. This can be an intimidating task.
When the Prodigal Son was preparing to make direct amends to his father, he felt the need to rehearse a little speech. “I will go home to my father and say, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant.’ So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son’” (Luke 15:18-21).
He didn’t even get to finish his speech! His father embraced him, welcomed him home with love and compassion, and threw the biggest party they’d ever had! One of the surprise benefits we may experience from making amends is that it may not be as hard as we expect. In some cases, those we love will have compassion for us and be thrilled to see us at their door. They will embrace us, forgiving all the harm we’ve done in the past. These positive experiences should then help us face the more painful and difficult ones.
The hardest part of making amends is in making the decision to do so.
Step Nine
In the Light
Bible Reading: Psalm 19:7-11
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
When we’re living under the influence of an addiction, we’re likely to see the world in a distorted fashion. What we perceive to be right and wrong becomes confused. Our perceptions of reality become blurred. We get out of sync with society’s norms and ignore the proper boundaries for governing our behavior.
The books of Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy are filled with laws and rules of conduct that were to govern every facet of Jewish life. They form the basis for our laws in the Judeo/Christian tradition. There were laws regarding diet, proper hygiene, relationships, business dealings, livestock, worship, marriage, sexuality, crime, and punishment. These clearly defined boundaries were set up by God to protect everyone and to help them maintain good relationships with him and with each other. King David once wrote, “The instructions of the LORD are perfect, reviving the soul. The decrees of the LORD are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The commandments of the LORD are right, bringing joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are clear, giving insight for living. Reverence for the LORD is pure, lasting forever. The laws of the LORD are true; each one is fair” (Psalm 19:7-9).
Making amends will bring us back into line with the protective norms our society has set up. We need to recognize where we’ve overstepped boundaries. Making amends while using God’s laws as the standard for wise behavior should help us learn to respect the dignity of others. It should also give us a clear vision of reality and, ultimately, will allow us to have joy and success.
Aligning ourselves with God’s laws for recovery will bring light to our paths.
Step Nine
Free from Sin’s Penalty
Bible Reading: Colossians 2:13-15
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Sometime during the recovery process we will probably notice that we’ve begun to grow spiritually. And with this growth, we may realize that we’ve hurt God through the things we’ve done to ourselves and others. We may feel an obligation to try to do something to make it up to him. But what can we do? How can we ever make up for the long list of sins we’ve committed?
In Jesus’ day, a criminal’s charges were set out on a list to be brought before the court. If the criminal was sentenced to crucifixion for his crimes, the list would be nailed to the cross where he was to be executed. The crimes on the list were then fully paid for by his death. The apostle Paul wrote, “You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross” (Colossians 2:13-15).
All the sins we would ever commit were listed and nailed to the cross of Christ. His blood covered them all; they were paid for in full. When it comes to making amends to God, there’s nothing left to do!
Since we’re already forgiven by God, we are free to seek forgiveness from others.
Step Nine
Good and Bad
Bible Reading: Galatians 3:10-13
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
We may still feel like we’re basically good people. Yes, our lives may have gotten a bit out of control, but the good we’ve done surely outweighs the bad. Maybe we don’t need to turn our lives over to Jesus Christ and accept him as our Savior. Perhaps we can just make amends for the wrongs we’ve done and do our best to be good in the future. Then everything will be fine.
Maybe not! The Bible doesn’t say that God weighs our good deeds out against our bad. Here’s what God says: “For the person who keeps all of the laws except one is as guilty as a person who has broken all of God’s laws” (James 2:10). “‘Cursed is everyone who does not observe and obey all the commands that are written in God’s Book of the Law.’ So it is clear that no one can be made right with God by trying to keep the law. For the Scriptures say, ‘It is through faith that a righteous person has life’” (Galatians 3:10-11). “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 6:23).
The Bible makes it clear that if we reject Jesus Christ’s payment for our sins, we will have to pay the debt ourselves. The only acceptable payment is death. Not even a lifetime of our good deeds is enough to make amends for the bad deeds we’ve done, no matter how few they may be.
The Cross frees us from having to be “good,” so we can freely admit we are bad.
Step Nine
Nothing Added
Bible Reading: Galatians 2:17-19
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
As we think about making amends to God, it seems there must be something we can do beyond placing our faith in Christ. What if God does expect us to do good works to make up for our sins? All right, maybe the sins we committed before we became Christians have been covered. But what about all the sins we’ve committed since then? Wouldn’t it be wise to be on the safe side? Why not figure out some sort of payment system—adding to what Christ did—just to be safe?
The Christians of Paul’s day asked similar questions. They thought, “But suppose we seek to be made right with God through faith in Christ and then we are found guilty because we have abandoned the law. Would that mean Christ has led us into sin?” Paul replied to this question, “Absolutely not! Rather, I am a sinner if I rebuild the old system of law I already tore down. For when I tried to keep the law, it condemned me. So I died to the law—I stopped trying to meet all its requirements—so that I might live for God” (Galatians 2:17-19).
Christ paid in full for all our sins. We can trust him fully to make amends for us with God. We don’t have to rely partly on our own ability to make amends to God. It’s already done!
Jesus Christ has made direct and complete amends on our behalf.
Step Nine
A Clean Slate
Bible Reading: Ephesians 2:8-10
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Recovery is hard work. Step Nine is one of the hardest. Notice, however, that this step focuses our attention on making amends to people, not God. Once we realize that our amends to God have already been settled, we are free to focus our attention on making amends to the people in our lives.
The apostle Paul wrote, “Everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins” (Romans 3:23-24). “God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago” (Ephesians 2:8-10).
We don’t need to give God anything to make amends for our sins. What we can do is turn our attention toward healing our relationships with the people close to us. God loves us all. Now that we have been freed up from having to worry about our forgiveness from God, we can spend our lives helping others. When we make amends for the harm we’ve caused, we are helping others. We are acknowledging the value of their lives, their feelings, and their property.
Since our slate is clean with God, we are free to make things right with others.
Step Nine
Proper Sensitivity
Bible Reading: 1 Corinthians 10:23-33
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
When we’re making amends, we need to be wise in the way we go about it. We may be so anxious to get things off our chest that we may blurt things out without fully considering the people involved. We need to consider how our actions may injure them. We may feel so pressured by guilt and fear of exposure that we rush ahead and make mistakes we can’t erase.
Many of the people in the apostle Paul’s world worshiped idols. Part of their pagan worship included sacrificing an animal, and then cooking and eating the meat. The Christians of that day struggled with the rightness of eating this sacrificed meat. Paul explained that there was nothing wrong with eating the meat, but he advised them not to eat it if it would offend another Christian’s conscience. Paul said, “Don’t be concerned for your own good but for the good of others. . . . It might not be a matter of conscience for you, but it is for the other person. . . . I, too, try to please everyone in everything I do. I don’t just do what is best for me; I do what is best for others” (1 Corinthians 10:24, 29, 33).
When making amends we need to weigh the feelings and needs of the people who will be exposed to what we say and do. Since we are not always the best judge of what needs to be disclosed and when, we can rely on our support group for help in these decisions. We need to make sure that no one will be hurt by our disclosures.
Recovery will bring with it renewed sensitivity in our relationships.
Step Nine
Sexual Boundaries
Bible Reading: Leviticus 18:6-26
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
While under the influence we may have violated someone’s sexual boundaries. This may have involved some form of incest, molestation, rape, or other behavior that violated another person’s privacy. Or we may have been taken advantage of in this way. In dealing with something so shameful and damaging, it’s common to be in denial. Our denial continues the cycle of shame and devastation in the lives of everyone involved.
God made a long list of forbidden sexual practices including rape, incest, and molestation. Offenders of these laws were sentenced to death. God listed almost every conceivable sexual violation and set up definite boundaries to protect our sexuality. Here are a few: “None of you shall approach anyone who is near of kin to him, to uncover his nakedness: I am the Lord” (Leviticus 18:6, NKJV). “The nakedness of your son’s daughter or your daughter’s daughter, their nakedness you shall not uncover” (18:10, NKJV). “If a man takes his sister, his father’s daughter or his mother’s daughter, and sees her nakedness and she sees his nakedness, it is a wicked thing. . . . He shall bear his guilt” (20:17, NKJV).
Our nakedness—our sexual identity—is precious. It’s meant to be ours alone until it’s given to a husband or wife. If we have violated another’s sexual boundaries, we need to admit the devastation we’ve caused and get help. If we’ve been the victim, we need to acknowledge the violation and get help for ourselves.
By admitting our faults, we begin the process toward healing even the deepest of devastations.
Step Nine
Giving Something Back
Bible Reading: Romans 13:7-10
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
It’s relatively easy to know how to make amends for the property we’ve damaged. It’s much harder to know how to make amends when it comes to the intangible losses in our human relationships.
The apostle Paul wrote, “Give to everyone what you owe them: . . . give respect and honor to those who are in authority. Owe nothing to anyone—except for your obligation to love one another. If you love your neighbor, you will fulfill the requirements of God’s law” (Romans 13:7-8). Regarding marriage he said, “The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5).
When we were under the influence, we may have failed to show respect and honor to others. We can go back now and express our feelings of love and respect. Whenever we’re not sure what to do, we can never go wrong by expressing love. This entails treating others as we would like to be treated. In marriage, it’s not enough to stop giving ourselves to our addiction or to others. We need to give ourselves back to our spouses, devoting ourselves to them sexually and in every other appropriate way.
As Christ has loved us, so we ought to love others.
Step Nine
Trusting Again
Bible Reading: Acts 5:1-11
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Deception and addictions go hand in hand. We’ve probably lost the trust of others, if we’ve told lies and hidden the truth. Making amends includes reestablishing a healthy trust.
In the early church many people sold their possessions and donated the money to the poor. “There was a certain man named Ananias who, with his wife, Sapphira, sold some property. He brought part of the money to the apostles, claiming it was the full amount. With his wife’s consent, he kept the rest. Then Peter said, ‘. . . You lied to the Holy Spirit, and you kept some of the money for yourself. The property was yours to sell or not sell, as you wished. And after selling it, the money was also yours to give away. How could you do a thing like this? You weren’t lying to us but to God!’ As soon as Ananias heard these words, he fell to the floor and died. Everyone who heard about it was terrified. . . . About three hours later his wife came in, not knowing what had happened. Peter asked her, ‘Was this the price you and your husband received for your land?’ ‘Yes,’ she replied, ‘that was the price.’ . . . Instantly, she fell to the floor and died” (Acts 5:1-5, 7-8, 10).
Ananias and Sapphira had a chance to make things right by being honest with Peter. Instead they chose to continue with the deception. Our recovery program will include making amends for the lies we’ve told and the truth we’ve hidden. We are making amends every time we choose to tell the truth. We’re also allowing trust to be reestablished after a history of deception.
Trust can be recovered over time by means of truth and grace.
Step Nine
Testing the Water
Bible Reading: Genesis 32:13-21
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
When we’ve deeply hurt someone and are preparing to make amends, we may be hesitant. We may want to spend some time considering the best strategy for approaching them.
Jacob had deeply offended Esau. He was afraid as he approached Esau after a twenty-year separation. Before they were to meet, “Jacob stayed where he was for the night. Then he selected . . . gifts from his possessions to present to his brother, Esau.” The gift he prepared was a large herd of livestock. “He told his servants, ‘Go ahead of me with the animals, but keep some distance between the herds.’ He gave these instructions to the men leading the first group: ‘When my brother, Esau, meets you, he will ask, “Whose servants are you? Where are you going? Who owns these animals?” You must reply, “They belong to your servant Jacob, but they are a gift for his master Esau. Look, he is coming right behind us.”’ Jacob gave the same instructions to the second and third herdsmen and to all who followed behind the herds: ‘You must say the same thing to Esau when you meet him. And be sure to say, “Look, your servant Jacob is right behind us.”’ Jacob thought, ‘I will try to appease him by sending gifts ahead of me. When I see him in person, perhaps he will be friendly to me’” (Genesis 32:13-20).
Notice that Jacob told the servants to call Esau “master.” When Jacob left home he had stolen Esau’s birthright to be master over him. The words and gift were designed to bring peace. There are times when it may be wise to send a gift and a pacifying message to test the waters before a face-to-face meeting.
We need to take precautions as we seek to make amends—it’s OK to test the waters.
Step Nine
Long-Awaited Healing
Bible Reading: Genesis 33:1-11
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Returning to someone we’ve hurt is a scary thing. The passing years, lack of communication, and memories of the anger and hateful exchanges of emotion can all create a tremendous weight of fear. Even though we may make some contact through a third party, there will still be tension until we see that person face-to-face.
This was the case for Jacob upon returning to see Esau. “Then Jacob looked up and saw Esau coming with his 400 men. . . . Then Jacob went on ahead. . . . Then Esau ran to meet him and embraced him, threw his arms around his neck, and kissed him. And they both wept.” After being introduced to Jacob’s family, Esau asked, “‘And what were all the flocks and herds I met as I came?’ . . . Jacob replied, ‘They are a gift, my lord, to ensure your friendship.’ ‘My brother, I have plenty,’ Esau answered. ‘Keep what you have for yourself.’ But Jacob insisted, ‘No, if I have found favor with you, please accept this gift from me. And what a relief to see your friendly smile. It is like seeing the face of God! Please take this gift I have brought you, for God has been very gracious to me. I have more than enough.’ And because Jacob insisted, Esau finally accepted the gift” (Genesis 33:1, 3-4, 8-11).
Jacob’s tremendous fear gave way to relief. The last time Jacob had seen Esau, he was being restrained to keep him from killing Jacob. With the passing of time, both of them had changed. When Jacob faced his brother, he found that there was still affection, even though they both remembered the pain.
Time can heal only those hurts we’ve brought out into the open.
Step Nine
A Time for Mending
Bible Reading: Hosea 3:1-3
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
If we have broken trust with a spouse, especially if we’ve violated our marriage vows, making amends will take time. Perhaps we’ve made so many false promises in the past that our spouse will need time before fully resuming the relationship.
The prophet Hosea was told by God to marry a prostitute. His marriage was to be a living example to the nation of Israel of her infidelity toward God. It had to hurt Hosea deeply when she returned to her life of prostitution. Hosea said, “Then the LORD said to me, ‘Go and love your wife again, even though she commits adultery with another lover. This will illustrate that the LORD still loves Israel, even though the people have turned to other gods and love to worship them.’ So I bought her back [from her slavery] for fifteen pieces of silver and five bushels of barley and a measure of wine. Then I said to her, ‘You must live in my house for many days and stop your prostitution. During this time, you will not have sexual relations with anyone, not even with me’” (Hosea 3:1-3).
Hosea needed some time before he could be close to her again. Sometimes the best way we can make amends with our mate is to allow time to go by. During that time, we need to prove to our spouse that there is no reason to fear that our wrong behavior has continued. If a time of separation is needed to see that our commitment is real, we need to give our spouse that time and focus on our own recovery.
As God has bought us back, we need to restore our most important relationships.