Cade was silent as he sat next to Jeffries on the wagon. His head ached and he could not help but think this was a mistake. Rose would surely find out about this, and it would only justify her choice even more. She’d been right to leave him; today proved that. He should have left the cards alone, left the whiskey alone. He had seen Rose, seen her happy and strong. That should have been enough for him. Jeffries gave a thoughtful grunt. “Has it been this bad since you married?” He nodded at Cade’s hands that were shaking even as he gripped his knees.
“What are you talking about?” Cade leaned forward clasping his hands and whirling his thumbs between his knees. The shaking only happened when he was very upset; most of the time he was successful in hiding it, but right now that was no solace.
Jeffries gave him a patronizing smile. “Is it drinking? Gambling? I can keep guessing.”
Cade shot him a withering stare. “Gambling. Of course the drinking comes with the territory.”
“As do women.” Jeffries scowled.
Cade cocked an eyebrow at his audacity, but found himself answering anyway. “I was always faithful to my wife.”
“Maybe you did not sin with your body,” Jeffries sighed, “but there are other ways of being unfaithful. Christ made that very clear. Even looking upon another woman can be unfaithful.”
Cade gave a thin smile and let out a huff. “Since when did you become a minister?”
Jeffries looked over at him with emphatic pity. “I am far from a minister, and I am far from holy, but I do know the feeling of helplessness that comes from inebriety.”
Cade inwardly flinched at the word. “It is not inebriety. I just haven’t chosen to stop.”
Jeffries went on as if Cade’s words held no bearing. “It lies to you, you know. Anything the devil uses is a lie.”
Cade shook his head. “What are you talking about, Jeffries? And why are you even speaking to me? I would think being like family to the Castles, you would have a vendetta against me.”
Jeffries jutted his jaw and squinted his eyes as he searched for an answer. “I suppose because I know what it is like to be two different people. The one with the inebriety and the one who’s the real you. Did you ever read The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? It is like that. One of you has control and is a good man and the other is a slave to a habit’s will.”
Cade shifted and looked up ahead. “What do you mean ‘it lies to you?’”
Jeffries shook the reins, speeding up the horses. “It tells you that it will comfort you, that it will make you feel better. For some men it is drinking, or women, or gambling. Either way, they feel temporarily better in submitting to that habit. What the devil doesn’t tell you is that you will lose all self-respect, that you will become a slave, that you will be split in two: each side loathing the other. You think you can stop at any point, but then you lose everything. For me it was freedom and dignity: two things a black man holds dearly. For you, it was a wife and a little girl who could have been yours.”
Cade blinked. He must be tired to feel emotional. “For you?”
Jeffries looked down at his calloused hands. “Let’s just say when my daughter was murdered I—I found comfort in other things. Were it not for Clark, I would have been thrown in prison.”
“What does Mr. Castle have to do with any of this?”
Jeffries sighed. “Over twenty years ago Clark sought me out. We knew each other from when he lived in Louisiana. When he found me, I was not in the best state emotionally or spiritually, and neither was I in good standing with the law. He brought me back and saved me.”
“Why did he seek you out in the first place?” Cade asked curiously.
Jeffries smiled, the question evoking poignant memories. “That story is for another time.” He gave his shoulders a slight shake. “However, my experience has caused me to understand what it is like to have no control.”
Cade nodded, staring past the horizon, mulling over Jeffries’s words. Perhaps it was the non-threatening manner of Jeffries that allowed Cade to listen without flaring up. Whatever it was, he found that for the first time he was open.
“How did you overcome it?” Cade asked, still staring straight ahead.
“My weakness was the bottle. It made me a violent man. Liquor called the demons of bitterness and vengeance from my soul. At first it felt good. I had a lot of anger, too much anger. When I drank I felt like a true man able to express the turmoil in my soul. I would fight anyone I could, destroy things, then end up in a stupor and a mental mess. You see, we men seek comforts to calm our soul; sometimes we are not as smart as women who seek God and companionship. We find that weak. Instead we turn to bad habits, which is exactly what the devil wants. I first had to realize why I was drinking: I was angry that Camille had been taken in such a violent manner. I was angry that as a child I saw my mother treated brutally by several men and she could do nothing about it. There was so much anger built up inside of me that I finally could no longer hold it in. I tried diffusing it, but it only increased.” He sighed and shook his head. “Only God can heal the darkness in our soul, and so I would ask you Cade, what are your demons? What drives you to gamble?”
Cade let out a huff. “Like you said, I am not a woman. I don’t contemplate my feelings.”
“Well then, I would advise you to. Women contemplate their feelings because society forces them to suppress what they feel. As such, their only expressive outlet is thinking about what they feel. We men are allowed to express whatever we feel and not be judged for it, but then we do not know how to sort what we feel because we are too busy expressing it.”
“So that is the trick? Decipher my feelings?” Cade rolled his eyes.
Jeffries laughed. “No, I would say it is to go to God and admit you have a problem, then ask for help, ask why you have this problem. Clark and I had countless arguments about my drinking. I swore it was nothing and that I could stop whenever I wanted to. I was honest only to God.”
Cade was silent. Talk to God. Listen to God. Religious principles he knew, and though he believed in God, he did not put his belief into action. His relationship to God was enigmatic. He was ashamed to talk to God at first; it made him feel dirty. How could he bend his knees when he reeked of smoke and whiskey; when sticky perfumed women had caressed his shoulders hoping his wins would entice forbidden appetites? So he stopped. Stopped praying, stopped pondering anything religious. Then he became apathetic. When Rose seemed to have a renewed vigor in belief, it brought back the guilt which spurred more resentment against God. Were it not for God, were it not for religion, then he wouldn’t feel guilty and what he did wouldn’t be wrong.
“God doesn’t always answer,” Cade said in a voice barely above a whisper, “Rose has prayed many times for me, and it has done no good.”
“God always answers,” Jeffries countered. “Maybe not in the way we want, or with the answer we want, or even in the time we want, but he does answer. So in the meantime, I would find something to replace the gambling.”
Cade frowned. “Replace it?”
“Whenever you have the hunger to gamble, then you do something else that takes your mind off of it: reading, working, whatever grabs your mind the hardest. I cannot say it always works, but it helps.”
“Sound advice.” Cade nodded, then almost shyly asked, “So how is Rose? Is she … is she happy?”
Jeffries nodded. “It is good to have her back. The dairy felt incomplete without Miss Rose working in the garden or feeding the kittens while milking cows.” He smiled to himself. “She is a good woman, and she deserves a good man.”
“Then why aren’t you insisting I go back to Denver right now?” Cade asked, tilting his head towards Jeffries. “Why instead are you taking me to your home?”
Jeffries gave another jerk to the reins. “I keep firm standards on the dairy. No rough or base talk. Even with the firm rules I enforce, there has been talk among the workers about why Rose is returning with a baby who obviously is not yours. Most think you kicked her out of your home because she was unfaithful and that the story of Miss Nell dying is a cover story to hide the truth.” Jeffries eyes flashed with anger. “I set them straight, but if tongues are wagging on the dairy, I can only imagine what is being said outside of it.”
Cade clenched his fists, remembering what was said at the saloon. “If people really knew Rose, they would not think that.”
“People generally believe what they see, Mr. Cade, and from that they make assumptions. We all do. It is how we put things together. Seeing Miss Rose with a black baby—well, they are going to believe the worst. Seeing Miss Rose with a faithful husband by her side also caring for the baby—that is a different matter.”
A spark of hope flared in Cade’s chest. “You think she will take me back?”
Jeffries shrugged. “Don’t know, but think of this Mr. Cade: If she did, it would not be because you deserve it.”
He nodded. “I don’t expect her to,” he said softly. “Is she home right now, at the dairy?”
Jeffries shook her head. “Went to the Hughs’ party, and was pretty excited about it, too.”
Cade clenched his jaw and was silent the rest of the trip. Excited? Why would a woman be excited about a party? To dress up? To socialize? Socialize with whom? What men would be at the party? What things would be said? Cade looked down at his wedding ring, wishing to heaven that Rose was wearing hers.