Diane was gone, taking a piece of Hannah with her. This ought to have been easier to accept, bearing in mind their lengthy feud and the fact they’d been apart from each other for so long. But if anything, that made it worse.
Now Hannah would never get the chance to properly make things right with her sister. In her heart of hearts, this was something she had hoped would happen one day. Knowing she could have done more to achieve this during Diane’s recent visit – maybe even averting her death in the process – was hard to stomach. It was a regret she’d have to find a way to live with somehow.
Meanwhile Mia, who’d just left the lounge and gone into her bedroom, closing the door behind her, would have to find a way to live without her mother. Hannah knew the heartbreak of losing a parent only too well. But in her case, she’d had a father, a sister and a husband to support her in the immediate aftermath of the death; she’d been a fully grown adult with her own life. Plus her mum had been sick for a long time beforehand, so Hannah had had time to prepare herself, as much as one could for such awful grief. Mia, on the other hand, was an only child, still at school, with a dysfunctional family ripped apart by a long-standing feud. She’d had no preparation whatsoever for the agonising ordeal of her mother’s death.
What that poor girl was facing was so much worse than anything Hannah had experienced. It was unimaginable. And then there was the way Diane had died: taking her own life in such a dramatic, brutal fashion. Hannah knew Diane could be selfish, but how could she do that to her own daughter? How could she abandon her like that? It wasn’t just leaving her to fend for herself, which alone would have been bad enough. It was doing so in a way that would scar Mia for the rest of her life, probably blaming herself and forever questioning if there was something she might have done to stop it.
That girl desperately needed care and protection, and Hannah swore to herself there and then that she would make sure she got it.
‘Poor, poor kid,’ Hannah whispered as she emerged from her thoughts and saw Mark watching her, concern etched into every line on his face. ‘How the hell is she supposed to cope? How could Diane do this to her – leave her alone like this?’
‘Well, she didn’t, did she?’ Mark replied, much to her surprise.
‘Sorry, what?’
He scratched his forehead. ‘I didn’t mean … There’s no excuse for what she did, obviously. It beggars belief. What I’m trying to say is that she didn’t leave her alone. She left her with us.’
‘Yes, temporarily. Unless …’ She’d not understood what Mark had been getting at initially, but then the penny dropped. Her mind leapt back to that conversation between her and Diane all those years ago, at a time when Mia was just a baby and they’d still had a normal sisterly relationship. They’d been taking a walk together in the park on a frosty winter’s day, both dressed in thick coats, scarves and gloves. Mia had been wrapped up tight and warm in her pram, which Hannah had been enjoying pushing while Diane walked alongside. They’d been chatting about how Diane had been coping so far as a single mother, their words puffing out before their mouths in cold, moist clouds of breath.
‘So, how are you managing, Di? It’s not too much, is it? I often think how it can’t be easy raising a child alone.’
‘I’m not alone, am I? I’ve got you for a start.’
‘I’m always happy to help – you know that. But I think you also know what I mean. Being a single mum isn’t a walk in the park.’
Diane smiled at her sister’s joke. ‘Very good, Han. You ought to try stand-up. Having Mia was my choice and I’m happy with the way things are right now. I wouldn’t change it for the world.’
‘No, of course not. Mia’s amazing. You know I love her to bits and you’re doing a wonderful job with her. It’s just … you pretend like she doesn’t have or need a dad, but—’
‘But what?’ Diane started to walk faster along the tarmac path, forcing Hannah to increase her own speed pushing the pram to keep up.
‘Wait. Don’t get the hump. Whether or not Mia’s father is in her life is up to you. I totally get that. But whoever he is – and I can’t believe you still haven’t told anyone, least of all me – he ought to be making some kind of financial contribution, don’t you think? He was there too when it happened. He should bear some responsibility.’
Diane came to an abrupt halt and turned to look at her sister. ‘I don’t need anything from any man. I’m coping just fine, thank you very much.’
Hannah considered mentioning that she knew their parents were propping her up with handouts. It was something her mum had let slip after Hannah had queried how Diane could manage on her maternity pay alone. However, she thought better of saying so, realising it would only lead to a needless argument. And how could she begrudge her sister that parental help at such a crucial time in her life?
She decided to drop the matter. Diane didn’t exactly have a good track record when it came to her boyfriends. They had a tendency to be good-for-nothing losers and users, so it was probably best for all concerned if the mystery father remained out of the picture. It was a bit odd she’d never let on who he was, mind. But hey-ho, that was her sister for you. She always liked to do things her own way.
‘What are you staring at?’ Diane snapped at a middle-aged man walking in the opposite direction, who’d been looking from one sister to the other. It was a common enough occurrence when they were out together and something that had never particularly bothered Hannah. If anything it amused her; Diane, on the other hand, often tended to lash out in such a way.
‘Do you have to be so aggressive, Di?’ Hannah said quietly.
‘What? It’s annoying! So we look alike. That doesn’t give people the right to gawk at us. Anyway, since we’re talking about me being a single mum and all, I have something I’ve been meaning to ask you. Something important.’
‘That sounds serious.’
Diane chewed on one of her fingernails. ‘It is actually. It’s about what will happen to Mia if, God forbid, anything should happen to me while she’s still a child.’
‘Oh, right. That’s a bit of a morbid thought.’
‘Well, it’s something I need to think about now I’m a parent; all the more so because I’m doing it alone. Anyway, I’m getting a will sorted and I was hoping you and Mark might be okay with being named as Mia’s guardians, on the off-chance I cark it.’
Hannah had guessed this might be where the conversation was headed. Although it wasn’t something she’d considered previously, her initial reaction was that she’d be only too happy to take on this responsibility for her sister and, of course, her beautiful niece, who she doted on. Her only concern was Mark. He too was very fond of Mia, but he’d always said he didn’t want children, so she wasn’t sure how he’d respond to this.
‘Wow. I’m honoured to be asked,’ she said, grabbing Diane and pulling her into a hug. This was the truth. She was also a little surprised, since she and her sister hadn’t always seen eye to eye over the years. Diane’s pregnancy and, even more so, Mia’s birth had seemed to bring them closer together, though. She’d accompanied her sister to several of her prenatal appointments and classes; she’d been the one there with her in the birthing room at the hospital; and now she felt like her niece was the closest thing she’d ever have to a child of her own. Privately, there had been a little jealousy at first, but rather than give in to the green-eyed monster, Hannah had opted to embrace the situation and make the best of being an aunt.
She really wanted to say yes straight away. But she knew it wasn’t fair to do so without first speaking to her husband.
‘Don’t worry, Han,’ Diane said. ‘I’m not expecting an answer immediately. I realise it’s something you and Mark will need to discuss first. Just let me know as soon as you can. Mum and Dad are the other option, but they’re not getting any younger and with Mum’s health as it is—’
‘No, of course. I totally understand. I’ll speak to Mark as soon as possible.’
‘Are you okay, darling?’
The sound of Mark’s voice, laden with concern, brought Hannah’s mind crashing back to the harsh reality of the present.
He’d moved next to her on the couch and slipped his arm around her waist.
‘Sorry, what was that?’ she asked, shaking her head to clear it.
‘Your eyes glazed over for a moment there. You looked like you were miles away.’
Hannah sighed. ‘Sorry. I guess I just, er, got lost in my thoughts. What you said before. It triggered something: a memory. When Diane first asked me about us being Mia’s guardians if—’
‘Ah, right.’
‘I thought at the time you might not want to take on the responsibility, because of not wanting kids. But you were great. You agreed without hesitation.’
‘Yes.’
‘And you think Diane brought Mia here because that’s what she still wanted?’
Mark rubbed his nose and looked over at the open lounge door, his wary eyes acting as a reminder of the need to keep it down, so Mia couldn’t overhear them. ‘With hindsight, I think that’s a definite possibility. I suppose we’ll have to wait and see what it says in her will, assuming there is one.’
‘Well, there definitely was back then. I guess it depends if she’s changed it since.’ Hannah hung her head and let out a whimper. ‘I can’t believe she’s really gone, Mark. Every time I think about what happened – what she did to herself – I feel like I’m going to vomit.’