‘Everything okay today, mate? You look like death warmed up.’
Mark looked up from the printout he’d been staring at for the past fifteen minutes. He saw Adam’s cheery face beaming at him from the side of his desk, like everything was still okay with the world, which couldn’t have been further from the truth. Mark squeezed a pursed smile out for his colleague nonetheless. ‘Charming.’
‘Seriously, though. You look shattered. What happened?’
‘I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.’
Adam frowned. Lowering his voice after looking around to ensure no one nearby was eavesdropping, he said: ‘Is this to do with whatever was bothering you yesterday? I know it’s not what us blokes usually do, but if you need to talk about it … we’re both modern men, right?’
This last comment was delivered with a wry grin, but Mark could tell Adam was being sincere. ‘Shall we pop to the kitchen for a minute?’ he said after glancing over that way to confirm it was empty. ‘It’s probably best if I do tell you what’s happened.’
Once he’d brought Adam up to speed under cover of the boiling kettle, his friend shook his head, looking dazed. ‘Bloody hell,’ he repeated several times. ‘How was she when she dropped you off at the station, your sister-in-law? Did she give you any impression that she might be on the edge?’
Mark shook his head. Diane had seemed calm and collected that morning. Despite everything she’d told him the night before, there was no way he’d seen this coming when he left her.
‘Why are you in work?’ Adam asked. ‘No one would have blamed you for taking some time off.’
‘Well, she’s only a relative by marriage, at the end of the day. I did think about it, but I decided it would have been worse, sitting at home with Hannah and Mia, twiddling my thumbs, rather than coming in. At least here there’s plenty to keep me busy and take my mind off it.’
‘Isn’t there loads to organise for the funeral and so on?’
‘There will be, but it’s too early yet. The body won’t even be released for a bit … whatever state it’s in.’
Adam winced. ‘God, I hadn’t even thought about that. What an awful way to go.’
Seeing another member of the team on their way to the kitchen with a handful of mugs, Mark asked Adam to keep the information to himself then suggested they ought to get back to work.
‘I want to die on my own terms, before things get too bad. Quick and painless, while I’m still me.’
Those words of Diane had been bouncing around inside Mark’s head ever since Hannah had informed him of her death. They troubled him again now as he returned to his desk and pretended to be busy while lost in his thoughts. She’d made it quite clear she was suicidal – and what had he done? Nothing. He should never have left her alone having heard that. The problem was that she’d backtracked after saying it: with hindsight, probably to throw him off the scent after realising he might tell someone and try to stop her. But she’d been convincing, claiming she hadn’t meant it.
‘Don’t worry, Mark, honestly,’ she’d told him as they’d continued to chat in her kitchen. ‘I’m not actually going to do anything stupid. I read in some pamphlets they gave me that it’s normal for terminally ill patients to say such things without really meaning them. It’s a way of taking back control, apparently; to counter the feeling of our lives no longer being in our own hands. Although you could argue they never were in the first place. Is it better to know you’re going to die soon or for it to happen unexpectedly? Yep, these are the kinds of happy thoughts occupying my head at the moment.’
He cast his mind back to their car journey to the train station. Diane had seemed quite bright, considering. Definitely better than the night before. But now he wondered if that was because she’d already made the decision to take her own life. Had knowing this given her a sense of liberation, of serenity?
He hadn’t told a soul about any of this or her terminal cancer diagnosis. Unsurprisingly, Hannah in particular had probed him for information about his visit to her house and whether he’d seen or heard anything to indicate what she was about to do. He had considered mentioning the cancer at least, but he couldn’t see what good it would do to tell her now. The diagnosis would come to light eventually as part of the inevitable inquest into Diane’s death. And since no one other than Diane knew she’d told him, why complicate matters?
Mark thought back to what he’d decided about Mia and his parental duties towards her just moments before hearing the news of Diane’s death. He’d resolved to stand up and accept his responsibilities. This was something even more important now than before. And yet what did it mean exactly? If his suspicions about Diane’s intentions for Mia’s future were correct and Frank didn’t throw up any opposition, there was a good chance she’d be coming to live with them. This would take some adjusting to for everyone, but he wouldn’t be opposing it. How could he in the circumstances?
The person most likely to be against it was Mia herself, who’d have to leave her home, school and friends behind. What with all the grief she’d be experiencing, and no doubt the anger she’d feel in light of her mum’s extreme actions, it was going to be tough enough for the kid already. Did she really need to discover that her uncle was in fact her father, on top of everything else?
Mark’s current thinking was that telling Mia now would be a mistake. If he did so, he’d have to tell Hannah too, thus putting their marriage on the line. And that would benefit no one. Mia would face an unsettled future when she most needed stability, while Hannah would be left incredibly vulnerable ahead of her novel being released.
What a shambles. Even with the wildcard that was Diane no longer on the scene, Mark still feared she might have left a message somewhere for her daughter or sister. He thought back to the letter she’d handed him in the car park. It seemed so long ago now, although it was actually less than a fortnight. What was it she’d said about the truth?
He slid open his desk drawer and rummaged around with his hand near the back until he found the envelope he’d stashed there and the single sheet of folded paper it contained.
He opened it on top of his keyboard and scanned through it until he found the words he was looking for. She’d written first that it was time for the truth and then later: Secrets and lies are no good. They eat you up inside.
Mark felt his heart pounding in his chest as he read these few words over and over again, wondering what implication to draw from them. How much of the truth had Diane wanted to reveal? She had also threatened to tell Hannah and Mia his big secret if he’d told either of them about her cancer. What if she’d written something down – a letter or a draft email perhaps – in anticipation of this? If so, anyone could find it while going through her things.
Mark was so absorbed by these terrifying possibilities that he didn’t notice Sharon from reception walking up to his desk until the very last minute. Panicking she might see the compromising contents of Diane’s letter, he shoved it into the inside pocket of his jacket and tried not to look flustered.
‘Hi, Sharon,’ he said. ‘Is everything all right?’
The pained expression on her face immediately told him otherwise. ‘I’m so sorry to bother you,’ she replied in little more than a whisper. ‘I know you asked me to hold all your calls, but … there’s a policeman on the line.’ As she delivered this last part of her news, Sharon’s eyes were screwed up so tightly they were almost closed.
‘I see,’ Mark replied in a voice that was calmer than he felt.
‘He was insistent that he needed to speak to you.’
‘That’s fine. I know what it will be about.’ Mark paused, weighing up whether it was better to tell her nothing and risk the office gossip machine going wild at his expense, or to give her a titbit. Opting for the latter, he added: ‘Someone I know was involved in a nasty accident yesterday.’
‘Oh dear. I am sorry.’
‘Thanks. So is this policeman still on hold?’
‘Yes.’
Mark looked to the nearest meeting room, which was empty, and asked her to transfer the call to the phone in there.
As Sharon raced back to her desk, Mark walked to the meeting room, avoiding the eyes of his colleagues. He shut the door and waited for the phone to ring.