| H: | Thanks for squeezing me in for another session, Sally. |
| S: | Of course. I’m sorry it can’t be for as long as usual, but I juggled things about as best I could. I thought a short session today and again tomorrow would hopefully be okay for you. |
| H: | Yes, perfect. Much appreciated. |
| S: | Please accept my condolences, Hannah. Such awful news about your sister. |
| H: | Thank you. Yes, I’m still struggling to wrap my mind around it all, to be honest. God knows what must be going on inside Mia’s head. |
| S: | If you think she could do with seeing a counsellor at any point, I have a colleague I can thoroughly recommend, who specialises in helping children to manage grief. It’s probably too soon right now, but you know, eventually. |
| H: | Thanks, Sally. I’ll definitely bear that in mind. She got very frustrated this morning about mislaying her mobile phone, which I took as a symptom of her anguish. But otherwise she’s not been very forthcoming so far. I’m just trying to be as supportive and sympathetic as I can without crowding her. |
| S: | That sounds sensible. For the moment it’s probably best to let her deal with things however she’s most comfortable and at her own pace. |
| H: | Good to know. |
| S: | So have you found out exactly what happened to your sister yet? |
| H: | There’s a police investigation going on, but I think that’s a formality. It seems that … Diane walked out in front of a speeding train. |
| S: | Goodness. That is tough. Please take your time. Help yourself to tissues. |
| H: | … Sorry about that. It’s all still so fresh. So raw. One minute I think I’m okay and the next I’m in a state. |
| S: | It’s totally understandable. |
| H: | Is it though? Do I actually have any right to mourn my sister, considering the state of our relationship? |
| S: | You have every right to feel whatever you feel. |
| H: | What about guilt? I can’t stop thinking this is partly my fault. If I’d been more welcoming to her when she reached out to me, maybe she’d never have been driven to do such a dreadful thing. Perhaps I could have stopped this. |
| S: | You can’t think like that. The past is the past. There’s no way of altering it now and you’ll never know if there was anything you could have done to change it. You don’t know what was going through Diane’s head when this happened. If things are as they seem, then she did this to herself. And it’s not like you turned her away, is it? She asked for your help and you gave it to her. That’s more than a lot of people would have done in the same situation. |
| H: | I feel very angry too. How could Diane kill herself knowing she’d be leaving behind a fourteen-year-old child? She ought to have put her daughter above every other consideration. Whatever drove her to this brutal act, I can’t comprehend how she could be so selfish, especially having experienced the agony of losing a mother herself. That poor girl: abandoned by the only parent she’s ever known. It’s beyond me how she’s turned out as well as she has. I was just starting to accept that Diane must have been a half-decent parent. But how can I possibly believe that now? And to think my sister once had the audacity to tell me I’d make a terrible mum! |
| S: | When was that? |
| H: | It was on the day we had our big falling-out, in October 2008, when we both said a lot of nasty things to each other. But that particular comment really stood out for me. |
| S: | Why’s that, do you think? |
| H: | It was so deliberately hurtful: like a knife in my heart after all the love I’d showered on her daughter. How could she think that, never mind say it out loud? I suppose not being a mum was still a sore spot for me, particularly in the aftermath of our own mother’s death. I’m not sure why, but after she passed away, I found it really hard. It was part and parcel of my grief, I suppose. Somehow losing one close family member gave me this massive urge to want to create another. I think it was also because of the way Mum had been surrounded by her family at the end, which I know gave her great comfort. I couldn’t help but imagine myself not having that in the same situation. If Mark was to die first, I kept thinking, who would there be for me? Would I die alone? It sounds selfish to worry about that, but I couldn’t help it. |
| S: | Did you discuss this with Mark? |
| H: | Almost. I thought about it a lot. At one point it felt like I kept seeing mums and daughters together wherever I went. But in the end I decided it wouldn’t be fair to put that on Mark, knowing he didn’t ever want children. He’d been upfront and honest, giving me a choice before we got engaged, and I’d picked him instead of having kids. I also had the feeling that, if I pushed it, he might give in, feeling sorry for me about my mum’s death and wanting to ease my pain. That’s the type of kind, considerate husband he is – and I couldn’t bring myself to push him into something so important, knowing his heart wouldn’t be in it. |
| S: | It sounds to me like you’re every bit as kind and considerate in your relationship as you say he is, Hannah. A lot of people wouldn’t have been able to show that kind of restraint. |
| H: | That’s nice of you, Sally. I had similar feelings after Diane and Mia moved away, but by that stage I knew I wasn’t in any suitable mental state to have a child anyway. And as you know from our earlier sessions, Mark was an absolute rock during my breakdown. I couldn’t have asked for someone more understanding and patient. I’d never have got through it without him. I had suicidal thoughts then, when I considered my life was worthless, but I could never have acted on them, knowing what it would do to Mark and even to my dad. That’s why I’m really struggling with Diane’s actions. I keep wondering if, by taking Mia in, I enabled my sister to do this. Mind you, otherwise she might have done it with Mia still around, which would have been so much worse. Imagine if she’d killed herself at home and Mia had found her. It doesn’t bear thinking about. |