‘Good. You’re home,’ Hannah said when Mark walked into the kitchen. She turned off the electric hand blender. ‘I didn’t hear you come in.’
‘Well, no. You wouldn’t hear much over that racket.’ He gave her a kiss and a little hug, peering over the large pan she was busy with on the hob before adding: ‘Smells nice. What is it?’
‘Carrot and tomato soup. I found a recipe online.’
‘Lovely.’ Mark smiled before his face turned serious. ‘How’s, um, everything going? How are you doing?’
‘Well, I’m making soup now and before that I made a fridge cake. There was no chance of me getting any writing done today. I don’t have the concentration to read a book, never mind create one of my own. I’m doing what I can to keep busy in a way that doesn’t involve too much thinking.’
‘That sounds fair enough to me, love. You have to deal with the news in whatever way works best for you. Is it chocolate?’
‘Sorry?’
‘The fridge cake.’
‘Oh, right. Yes.’
‘Great,’ Mark replied, already heading towards the fridge. ‘I’ll have a piece of that.’
‘Not until after tea, you won’t.’
‘So I take it you haven’t heard much more about Diane today, then?’
Hannah shook her head. She felt tears coming again but fought them off by taking a couple of steady breaths and diverting her mind from trigger thoughts. These were skills adapted from those she’d learned to overcome anxiety in the aftermath of her breakdown, which had served her well for some time now. Mark knew to be patient and say nothing at this point, rather than draw attention to her emotional state, which would only make it worse.
Once she’d gathered herself, she replied: ‘No. Dad’s back in the UK now and heading to Bournemouth tomorrow. He’s the one dealing with the police and so on. I’ve spoken to him a couple of times, but it doesn’t sound like anything’s going to happen very quickly.’
Mark nodded. ‘Yes, about the police. They rang me at work earlier. I’m not sure where they got the details from, but—’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry!’ Hannah said, raising a hand to her mouth. ‘Dad mentioned that this morning and I was supposed to warn you, but I totally forgot. The neighbour had mentioned you to the police, because of your visit, and Dad didn’t have your mobile number to hand. He told them the name of your company instead and said they’d be able to get hold of you there. Sorry, I can’t believe I forgot to tell you. Dad specifically asked me to as well.’
‘It’s fine. I had a feeling they might need to speak to me.’
‘What did they want? What did they ask you?’
‘Just what we’d been talking about: her state of mind and that kind of thing. They’re obviously trying to get to the bottom of why she did what she did. There wasn’t much I could tell them. Anyway, what about Mia? How’s she doing? Is she in her room?’
Hannah shook her head. ‘She’s still in shock, I think. There’s so much for her to process. She moped around the apartment until just after lunch, which she barely touched, and then Todd came over. I’d already told Kathy the full story, so she’d filled him in. He was so sweet, bless him. He gave Mia a big hug as soon as he saw her; even brought us a big bunch of flowers.’
‘I spotted those in the lounge,’ Mark replied. ‘I wondered where they came from. Is Todd still here, then?’
‘No, they’ve gone out into the city centre for a bit. Some fresh air is probably exactly what Mia needs. There was a bit of an incident earlier when she thought she’d lost her mobile.’
‘Oh? What happened?’
Hannah explained how Mia had come storming out of her bedroom that morning, saying she’d looked absolutely everywhere for her phone and could not find it. ‘Have you seen it?’ she’d asked her aunt. ‘Have you moved it somewhere?’
Hannah had said not, whereupon Mia had stomped her heels and started tearing around the apartment in a frenzy, upending sofa cushions and anything else that got in her way, in a desperate attempt to find it. Initially, recognising her niece’s need to give vent to her anger, frustration and grief, Hannah hadn’t got involved, assuming she’d soon find her mobile and calm down. But she’d been forced to intervene after hearing Mia scream at full volume: ‘Where the hell is it?’
‘Okay, you need to take a deep breath and calm down now,’ Hannah had said firmly. ‘Panicking won’t help you find it. Think when you last used it. It can’t have gone far.’
Mia had burst into tears at this point and collapsed in a heap on the lounge floor in despair.
‘Come on, love,’ Hannah had told her, gently placing a hand on her shoulder. ‘I’ll help you. We’ll find it together.’
Mark grimaced at his wife’s recounting of the story. ‘That sounds tricky. I guess you found her phone eventually, right?’
‘Yes, thank goodness. It was on the shelf in the bathroom. I don’t know how she’d missed it. She said she’d looked there. Clearly her head’s all over the place. She apologised for getting worked up anyway, and then we tidied up the mess she’d made.’
‘Sounds to me like you handled the situation just right,’ Mark said as he took his jacket off and hung it over the back of one of the kitchen chairs. ‘What about Sally? Did you get to see her okay today?’
Hannah nodded. ‘Yes. I was a bit worried about leaving Mia, but she said she’d be fine with Todd.’
‘Did your session help?’
‘As much as anything can in the circumstances. It was good to talk things through.’
Mark stood behind Hannah and placed his hands around her waist. ‘Good.’
Hannah guessed what her husband was thinking. He was no doubt worried about history repeating itself; her withdrawing and becoming a recluse again. It made sense for him to think that, seeing as it was her mum’s death and the subsequent falling-out with her sister that had sparked it.
But she was much stronger than that now. Her recent sessions with Sally had helped her appreciate this fact. Plus she had Mia to take care of; her niece needed her to hold things together. There was also the fact that Hannah was used to life without Diane. She’d had years to adapt. For this reason part of her felt like she had no right to mourn her sister. It wasn’t like they’d had any kind of genuine relationship at the time of her death, was it? She particularly felt like this around Mia, who of course had an absolute right to grieve. Every time Hannah shed a tear, which had happened a lot today, it was almost like she was waiting for Mia to tell her she had no business doing so.
Hannah wasn’t even one hundred per cent sure why she kept on crying. Was it because she regretted the way she’d treated Diane on her recent visit? Was it because she wished she’d used that opportunity to try to reconcile? Maybe it was more down to guilt and the awful sense that her behaviour towards Diane might have played a role in her suicide.
She knew that at least some part of the sorrow that had gripped her by the throat since yesterday was for poor Mia, whose situation was one of pure tragedy. But Hannah also missed her sister: the fearless, independent little girl she’d grown up alongside; the yin to her yang; the left to her right; the hot to her cold.
All that time they’d been apart, barely a day had gone by when Hannah hadn’t thought of Diane at least once. There had always been the two of them – even when there hadn’t. That was why, back in the day, the shock of suddenly being cut off from her had hit Hannah so hard.
Having a sister like Diane wasn’t something you could just shake off. Especially not when she’d been there, at your side, before you were even born. When her features were identical to your own to the extent that, as children, even your parents struggled to know who was who.
Hannah hadn’t thought of Diane in that way for a long time now. She’d closed herself off to it as a way to survive without her; to be an individual. But facts were facts and, as much as she’d tried to bury the real nature of their bond – to think of her as a normal sister in a bid to ease the pain of their separation – that wasn’t the truth. Nothing hit this home quite as hard as the terrible finality of death.
Her twin sister was gone. She was never coming back.