Weeks passed. Nadia saw Eddie a few times a week and spent most weekends with him. He’d met both Gaby and Emma only once, since they both seemed increasingly hard to get hold of, but they’d liked him and said encouraging things, and yes, Gaby had texted afterwards to say: Listen, he’s wonderful, but before you get in too deep I really do think you should meet Sky Garden Guy! Like, really, really!!!!!
Nadia had texted back a GIF of one of the Real Housewives of Atlanta shaking her head and saying, ‘Nooooo, thank you!’ and neither of them had brought it up again. Nadia just needed Gaby to understand that she was fine as she was. She’d said herself Eddie was a good guy. What was she supposed to do? Forever believe that good was not good enough, and that she had to strive for amazing or earth-shattering? No. Nadia was happy with Eddie, who was everything a boyfriend should be. Kind of. Probably. Okay, she was forcing it a tiny-weeny bit, but what choice did she have? This man was very into her, and she’d be crazy not to be into him too. And she did love his company. Her heart would catch up with her mind.
She did want to see her friends more, though. She wondered if it was her fault that it had been a few weeks since a brunch, or lunch, or drinks. That she’d been sucked in to the early throes of passion, of romance, and had maybe neglected her friendships a bit.
She’d started going into work later, choosing to have five more minutes with Eddie’s lithe frame curled around her own, snuggled down under the duvet as the leaves on the trees outside of her window turned from bright green to golden around the edges, September pulling in. Arriving at the office later often meant working through lunch to make up the time, so she didn’t get to walk to the market with Gaby for burritos. Not being home alone meant not being able to sit in front of the TV with her phone in her hand, texting Emma about their days, or what they were watching, or about the dates they’d just been on or had planned.
Nadia made the decision to book in a friend date – she didn’t want to be that girl. The girl who let her whole life slip away from her because of a man. She didn’t feel trapped or like she had to shrink her life in order to make room for Eddie. With him, it was more like he was fun to be with, and she liked being around him. She loved being part of a two. Finally, she was with a man who was caring and generous and sensible and knew his own mind. It would be weird if she didn’t want to see a lot of him, wouldn’t it? Plus, she liked who she was when she was with him: she laughed a lot, and said witty, funny things.
‘Babe,’ she said, one night at his place, down in Peckham. ‘Do you mind if I bow out of movie-night Thursday?’
In less than a month they’d settled into a routine that meant they went down to the Rio in Dalston for the 8 p.m. showing of whatever was on and then walked to her flat. They’d made a silent pact that it didn’t matter what it was – they’d go. Nadia got the tickets, and Eddie paid for the popcorn, gleefully pouring a bag of Maltesers into it so that halfway through a handful they’d get a surprise chocolate boost.
Eddie poked his head out from where he was cooking dinner in the kitchen. ‘Mind?’ he said, incredulous. ‘Why would I mind?’
Nadia smiled. ‘I suppose I thought you might miss me too much,’ she said.
Eddie threw the tea towel over his shoulder and came over to her, leaning over the sofa to issue a kiss.
‘Well, yes, of course I’ll miss you,’ he said. ‘But I presume you’re seeing the girls?’
‘Exactly,’ Nadia said. ‘I’m going to see if Emma can come out to play.’
‘Perfect,’ said Eddie. ‘Maybe I’ll go out with the boys.’
Nadia reached for her phone and messaged Emma:
Nadia: HELLO! Can you do a dinner this week?
Emma texted back immediately – one of the things Nadia liked most about her, and had found so frustrating lately. She’d been taking 48 hours to get back to her.
Emma: What are you thinking?
Nadia: Thursday?
Emma: Ah – I’m heading out of town Tuesday till Friday.
Nadia: For work?
Emma: Yeah! So … Friday? Saturday?
Nadia: Yup! I’ve got Mary’s birthday on Saturday night, but other than that!
Emma: Noted. How’s it going with The Ginge?
Nadia: Don’t call him that! Also, would you hate me if I said how nice it is to have somebody to do stuff with?
Emma: Why would I hate you for that! It *is* nice to have somebody to do stuff with! … I mean, you like him too, though, yes?
Eddie called through from the kitchen, ‘Five-minute warning, babe! Fish Wellington with hollandaise sauce incoming!’
‘I’ll lay the table!’ Nadia shouted back.
Nadia: Of course I like him! Literally, he is plating up homemade fish Wellington as I type.
Emma: Okay, well – enjoy, and I’ll let you know about the weekend later in the week if that’s okay!
Nadia: Okay!!
The next day at work, Nadia made a point of texting Gaby to connect too.
Nadia: Coffee in the lobby in five?
Gaby: Oh babe! I’m on annual leave this week!
Nadia: What!!!!!!
Gaby: I had holiday to use up before the next big project starts and I’m not allowed to breathe without permission. I’m at home!
Nadia: Damn. I need a warning about these things!
Gaby: Lol.
Nadia: Are you around for drinks? Dinner?
Gaby: Some of the time! I’m around at the weekend?
Nadia: Oh. Okay, cool. Yeah, the weekend works! Are you staying home the whole week?
Gaby: I’m going to leave town for a few days – get some fresh air, maybe by the sea. Do you wanna do Bellanger for brunch? Sunday?
Nadia: I do. I’ll book a table so we can sit outside if it’s still warm. I’m loving this ever-lasting summer.
Gaby: Perfect! Thank you!
Nadia: Enjoy your time off. I’m gonna miss you!
Gaby:
The next morning, Nadia felt dejected. It truly was lovely to be seeing somebody, but she wanted to drink and wear lipstick and be fabulous with her tribe. She missed one drink turning into two bottles, and hungover brunches, and being a plus-one to whichever restaurant Emma had to review that week. Still, at least she had somebody else she could spend the time with. Eddie showed up on time, called when he said he would, and they had good sex.
They spent Sundays together, going to the market and getting ingredients that Eddie knew what to do with: he fed her poached cod in pistachio and parmesan crust, and made his own clotted-cream ice cream, and often cooked in double batches so that she could freeze the leftovers in a Tupperware and have it in the week.
She had a sated sex drive, a fridge full of food, and company as the nights drew in.
She was lucky.
She loved love, and what she had was surely going to lead to it. She’d be greedy for wanting any more than what she had. But …
The lab was empty that morning, and with nobody around she pulled up Twitter on her screen, typing into the search bar at the top right: #OurStop
She didn’t do it often, but sometimes, on occasion, she liked to remind herself that the whole letters-in-the-paper thing had happened, and other people had not only seen them, but felt so moved by them that they’d used a special hashtag to talk about them. Nobody had written anything since the last time she checked. It was @Your_London_Gal who had said: I can’t believe the #OurStop guy didn’t turn up, and then asked for forgiveness from her! I wouldn’t write back if I was her. No way. I really wanted a happy ending for them though!
When she’d first read that, Nadia had felt grateful for the support – vindicated in her decision. But reading it now she felt a twinge of regret.
No, she thought. He doesn’t deserve that. She forced herself to focus on the man she did have, chastising herself for being so weak as to search for the hashtag in the first place. Doubts were the ego’s way of keeping us small, she told herself. She forced herself to believe she was allowed to let Eddie make her happy.
Your place or mine tonight? she texted him, knowing her diary was totally open that week and thankful to know Eddie would scoop her up from work and take her on an adventure. She never thought of Train Guy when they were together – not anymore. It was only when Eddie was out of sight that Train Guy sometimes crept into her mind.
Yours, Eddie texted back. I’ll come meet you after work?
She sent back three love hearts and then pulled up the notes app in her phone. She looked at what she had drafted a week ago:
Train Guy: Okay, I forgive you now I’ve made you think about what a fool you made of me, having me wait for you in a bar you’d apparently already left. Consider me furious, and very forgiving. I will allow you to make it up to me, in whatever way you see fit. Coffee Spill Girl x
She weighed up, for the millionth time, the pros and cons of sending it in.
Pros: She could actually get to meet Train Guy.
Cons: It was horribly deceptive to Eddie, who had been nothing but wonderful to her.
Pros: When Train Guy didn’t reply, it would ultimately put that whole thing to bed for her, and she could properly commit to Eddie, and forget him once and for all.
Cons: If she did send it, and he replied, she’d be forced to act, and with her friends being so absent lately she wouldn’t be able to guarantee that she’d make the right choice, because she had nobody to sound it all out with.
She let out a long, low sigh.
She didn’t send the note.