It is almost a month now since Poppy died. I think I am ready to try to deal with it, but I’m not sure. Kris and I kept dreaming about him when we got back from the funeral in Detroit. She had a dream that he and Aunt Daisy were back and they said they would be around. “You didn’t think I’d stay gone, did you?” he said to Kris. I dreamed that he was back and he said, “Don’t touch me!” but I hugged him because I was so glad to see him and he died again. It was at the funeral home, too. Weird. Kris also had a dream where he was riding in a car where there was no driver. Like a rocking chair rocking with nobody in it means death is rocking the chair. Anyhow, they all got in the car and drove away with him. It is all weird. I do not remember grandfather dying. I was too little. But Poppy is another feeling. It’s like not really being able to believe he’s gone. Nanny didn’t even know he was dead until the night of the funeral. I went downstairs and Mommy and Nanny were sitting at the kitchen table. Nanny had ice cream in a bowl, but she was crying. And she said, “I knew somebody was dead and I thought it might be him.” But she’s senile and couldn’t really get a handle on the thought. Barbara brought the ribbon and two flowers off the family wreath and put it on Nanny’s dresser since she couldn’t go to the service. The ribbon said: “From his loving family to a wonderful husband and father.” Well, when Mommy went downstairs, Nanny had torn it all to pieces and thrown the ribbon and the flowers in the corner of her room. She knew then, but she couldn’t stand it. Mommy and Henry had seen the light going on and off in the bathroom and went downstairs to see if everybody was all right. Nanny had gotten up and gotten dressed and was walking/walking/walking through the house to see where Poppy was. And she kept turning on the bathroom light to see if he was in there. She knew he was dead, but how could she fathom it? They had been married for fifty years! There is no separateness after all that time.
At the cemetery, Mommy was crying after the last prayer and she said: “I can’t leave him here. How can I leave him here?”