Oh, so you’re just going to have an attitude with me the whole ride home?” I said to Charli, as she sat on the passenger seat of my car with her arms folded.
“Please, Blake, give me some credit. Like I’m supposed to be all cool with the fact that I caught my guy showing his full grill up in some girl’s face. You were so into her you didn’t even see me walking up to you.”
“But I introduced you guys,” I said, trying to show her that I was not keeping anything a secret.
“And how’d that work out for ya?” Charli asked, as she looked out of the window to get even more distance between us.
Needing my girl to ease up, I said, “Just talk to me. Don’t sit in here and put a wall up. You know I hate that, Charli.”
“What do you want, Blake? For me to fall all over you like every other girl in our school? I didn’t think I had to show you how much I cared. I thought you knew it. The nerve of that girl flirting with you right in front of me, saying she had enough girlfriends … insinuating that she was looking for a boyfriend. So wassup, Blake? You tell me? You say don’t be upset because it’s no big deal, but you have feelings for this girl, don’t you? You were chasing too hard.”
“No,” I said quickly, knowing a part of me was lying.
Trying to calm her down, I said, “We have made it a long time, Charli. So many people try to break us up; said we couldn’t make it. Girls are after me. Guys are after you. Some guys are after me, and some girls are after you.” She did not laugh at that moment. “Come on, baby, lighten up.”
“Why you got jokes? You know there’s some of everything at this school now, right or wrong.”
“Tons of people been trying to split us apart. That’s all I’m saying.”
It was not right to give her an ultimatum and tell her to give it up to me or she was going to lose me. I was not that kind of guy, and I certainly did not want to hurt her like that. However, as we drove past a few hotels, I wanted to turn in there so bad, get a room, and go to work. I knew I cared for her more than any girl out there, and I had no doubt if my needs were met, she would not have to catch me flirting with another.
On the flip, what was I going to do when I knew that was not what she wanted. Since I was confused, I said the only thing I knew at the time. I went into Blake mode.
Stroking her hair, I said, “You know I care about you, girl.”
Which was true because I did. And until I decided what I was going to do, there was no need to get her even more upset. I did want to feel her lips on mine, and if I did not do something quickly that was never going to happen. Before I dropped her off, I pulled up to a fast food restaurant, parked in the back, leaned over to her, took her hand, and kissed it. I stroked her hair again, tickled her a bit, and before she knew what was happening, our lips were locked, and her guard was down.
“I just don’t want to lose you,” she said, as she was feeling me too.
“You keep making me feel like this, baby, and you won’t,” I said, as I kissed her again. “It’s hard, but I can wait.”
“Oh, Blake,” she said, melting like butter on a hot roll in my arms. “Soon, baby, soon.”
I learned early how to stroke folks. You know, telling them what they want to hear. Now that Charli was satisfied, I knew she and I were good. She better make good soon because my patience was wearing thin.
When I dropped her off, I turned my phone back on. I had to play it that way because I couldn’t give Charli any reason to question me about my phone calls, which ended up being a smart thing because I had six messages: five from girls, and one from my boy, Landon.
“Wassup, dude?” I said when I called him back.
“Trying to reach out to you. I’m over Mick’s house, and there is a hottie sweating me to get you over here.”
“Who, man? You know I’m out with Charli.”
“Boy, don’t play me,” Landon said, really knowing me well.
“If your phone is on, you ain’t with no Charli.”
Landon seemed to know everyone in the county and had friends across town. In my opinion, they were trouble. Mick and his boys were part of a gang. I didn’t want anybody getting the wrong idea, thinking that because I was hanging out, I was interested. The Axes were known as some of the hardest brothers in the ATL. They were into robbing, raping, and killing. They just weren’t playing big and bad, they were brutal.
“Nah, dawg, I’m straight,” I said to Landon, hating that my friend wanted to fit in so bad.
He was from a fine, upstanding family. His dad was pastor of a mega-church, and I believe because his father gave so much time taking care of his congregation, Landon resented it and was over-compensating by trying to lose his good-boy image by hanging with thugs.
“All right, if you don’t want to come here, we can meet up some place else. The Jackie girl on the dance team won’t let up about you, partna.”
I knew if I got with Jackie again today, I would not be able to control my loins. But the thought of seeing her thighs once more made me cave like an avalanche. “Seeing her would be cool.”
Sensing my hesitancy, Landon said, “How about I meet you up at the bowling alley? We can play Jackie and her girl in a couple of games. No biggie.”
“I don’t know, man,” I said, thinking about what all that could possibly lead to.
Just like going to Mick’s house could appear I was interested in the gang, if I went to the bowling alley, Jackie would think I was interested in her. That might be just as deadly. My mom taught me about women. Her theory was that if they were showing the world all they had, then they were probably giving it away too easy and could be carrying a venereal disease. While something about Jackie was intriguing, it might not be worth it.
Pleading, Landon said, “Come on, man. Help a brother out. I’m trying to get with KaydaKay.”
“Who?” I asked, as that name made me think she needed to be left wherever she was.
“It’s Jackie’s girl. She straight. Ain’t nothing wrong with bowling. Thought you were your own man. Didn’t know Charli had you tied down. Start barking, dude.”
I guess I wasn’t the only one who knew how to say the right words to get the right reaction out of people. I did not like being called a punk, and I certainly was not a puppet or Charli’s dog.
Hastily, I agreed. Before I even had time to let my conscience take over, I pulled up at the Lanes. I didn’t know what Landon thought was appropriate lady-on-the-arm material, but KaydaKay looked exactly how I had imagined her. Tore up from the floor up. I had seen all kinds of hairstyles in the ATL, but I had never seen white, pink, and green braids. That was for good reason. I didn’t need to. She had to be a size 20 wearing a size 2. For real, she looked a hot mess, and if the optometrist was open, I would have dragged Landon there to see if he needed glasses.
Landon came up behind me and said, “Dang, man. You got to stare at her like that … your boojie behind.”
Whispering, I said, “Whatever, dude. She look like if you lay down with her, you going to rise up with something a dawg don’t want.”
When Jackie came over to me she said, “Is something wrong?”
I said, “Is that your girlfriend?”
“No, she’s my cousin, and preacher boy is intrigued. Why you judging her though? I see your nose up in the air, like she’s not your speed. You think you too good for folks?”
I actually had to ponder that question. My dad called it the eyeball test. People see you and immediately put you into some type of category. If you don’t want negative thoughts, then make yourself look presentable. When I looked at this KaydaKay girl, she screamed nothing but ghetto fab. If this was Jackie’s cousin, what kind of family did Jackie come from? As a dude trying to get with her, I might think it’s enticing for Jackie to wear low-cut stuff, but if she was my girl, the dress standards would have to change. Jackie seemed too strong-willed to change. Therefore, the possibility that we could have something was dissipating.
“You think you’re better than me,” she said, as she saw I was unimpressed with her cousin and her tone.
I like that she said what was on her mind. I merely had a problem that she was naïve with the way the world viewed people. If you want to be taken seriously, dress the part.
Explaining, I said, “I just don’t understand why you got to flaunt everything you got all the time. It makes me think—”
“What? That I’m fast,” she said, cutting me off.
“That you’re not slow, and honestly, I don’t know if I want to get involved with someone that’s out there.”
“Well, I am who I am, and my body is mine. If I want to show it off, that’s what I’m going to do. My crew told me you were too stuck up. Guess I should have listened. Come on, cuz,” she said to KaydaKay. “I don’t want to play.”
They got in her cousin’s hooptie, pumped the music up too loud, and were out. Landon looked at me with a Why you mess me up? expression. I told him to get in the car, and we drove off. Was I being too judgmental? Or were the standards that I wanted in a lady right on? It should not matter to me anyway. I was already involved, and I wasn’t going to change that for just anything.
Sometimes I felt like a kid. I had knots in my stomach when I pulled up to my house, because it was after my ten o’clock weeknight curfew. It was just five minutes past ten, but with the high-maintenance, maniac, narcissistic father that I had, being late wasn’t what you wanted to do. All the lights in the family room were on, so I knew I might as well buck up and get ready to deal with his mouth.
Like a clock that chimes right on schedule every hour, that’s how much I knew my dad. And as soon as I walked in the door, he rushed over to my face, grabbed my collar, and shouted, “Why you coming up in my house late, boy? Give you a little bit of leeway and you can’t show me that you’re responsible. I am so sick and tired of you doing what you want to do, thinking you’re grown in this house … gimme them keys!”
Of course, I was not doing what I wanted to do. If left up to me, I’d be out with the boys. Leo surely did not have to be home at ten. I resented my dad because I was not really that late. I appreciated that he was my father, and that he was the higher authority in my life. But he was not a zookeeper, and I was not an ape. There could have been an accident that held me up. My girlfriend might not have been able to get into her house. Anything could have been a reasonable excuse for my delay. He could have asked me or given me grace.
However, he was not backing down and neither was I. My dad and I were looking eye to eye. We were standing toe to toe. At that point we were standing man to man, because I was not going to have him sock me, hit me, or push me around.
“What you going to do, Blake? You think you can take me? Got a couple little muscles on you, so are you going to come up in my face, thinking you can take me? Boy, you don’t pay no bills in this house, and when I tell you to be home at a certain time, use your cell and call me if there is an issue,” he said, as my irritation became slightly verbal. “What … you gonna groan, grunt, make some mumbling sound? Boy, I’ll—”
My mom just screamed out, “Stop, Brad!”
She came and stood between the two of us. She was not anywhere close to either of our sizes. She stood firm, wanting us to back away from each other.
“Brad, you know I can’t take this right now. Please!”
My dad yelled, “No, I’ma show this boy he ain’t grown.”
“Just stop,” she squealed.
My mom was crying. As her emotions started to become more intense, I realized that she was extremely upset and not just because of the brewing altercation before her. She went over, sat on the couch, and started rocking back and forth.
Knowing my mom as I did, I knew there was more to her sad demeanor. Then when my dad rushed over to her, put his arms around her, and completely settled down from tripping, I knew something was terribly wrong.
My dad held her and said, “I’m sorry, baby. I know there’s a lot going on. I’m sorry. I’m just not handling all this the right way.”
“You can’t put more on me right now, Brad,” she cried.
I did not know what they were talking about. My parents had a pretty good relationship. My dad had always been there. I never knew us to be struggling financially. We were not rich, but all of my needs were met, unlike a lot of boys I’d come to know over the years who had absentee fathers or no father at all. They were scrambling, hoping, and praying that they would eat. As much as my dad irked me, he was a faithful husband. I guess that’s why I didn’t want to just get with a girl. He was an excellent role model when it came to being the head of the home, and whatever had my parents so upset was starting to creep me out.
“What’s wrong? What’s going on? Talk to me, you guys,” I said in a panic.
I did not want my dad to get upset again and say, “It’s none of your business,” or “It is none of your concern,” because seeing my mom in tears was for sure my concern. Though my dad could be a big jerk, I knew he had not done anything stupid like cheat, misuse all the money, or start drinking. So what had her so shaken? Had she lost her job?
She was a branch manager for a bank. We moved to Georgia because she got a promotion. Maybe they had downsized and she was let go. Even if that was the case, we should be fine. My parents had always talked to me about how to be smart with money and that I could always get everything I needed because they had put some away for a rainy day. They did not believe in getting credit cards to blow up and max out. They had a couple of cards for emergencies only. It could not be a job loss freaking my mom out. If she did lose her job, certainly she was qualified enough to get another one. And even if we had to go a bit without her salary, from everything they told me, we were covered.
When my mom kept crying, I went over to the other side of her. My dad looked away and when he looked back at me, tears were in his eyes too. I was shaking with worry.
I was not an only child. I had a younger sister, Lola, who was headed to the seventh grade. She was going to be a week late starting school because she was in a summer ballet program in New York.
“Oh my gosh! Is it Lola Ivy?” I asked, calling my sister by her whole name, which we did only when we were serious. “Is everything okay with her in New York? She’s not hurt or anything is she?”
“No, no, son,” my mom mustered up the courage to say. “I’m so sorry to break down in front of you like this. I told your dad I wouldn’t do it, and we don’t know everything going on with me, so why stress? However, I haven’t been feeling too well. Also, I found a lump in my breast.”
I heard exactly what she said, and at that moment, it felt like I had been shot. My whole body became numb, and it felt like my heart had been shattered into a billion pieces. I had to be in a nightmare because there was no way in the world something physically could be wrong with my mom. She was a rock, always going one hundred miles per hour. I knew nothing of how PMS got women down because I never knew one moment when my mom was on or off of her cycle. She never had mood swings. She was sassy, fierce, confident, and strong. A lump. Cancer. It just could not be.
“No, no,” I kept repeating. “No, no.”
I stood up and backed away from my parents. My dad came over and held me tight. He and I both broke down. Then I pushed him away because I refused to believe something was wrong with my mom. She had to be okay. Things had to be right. There could be nothing wrong with her. I would not accept anything less.
My mom got up, wiped her face, stood beside me, and placed her arms on both of mine.
“It’s going to be okay, honey. Whatever the doctor is going to tell us, it’s going to be okay.”
But how could it be okay if she was ill. My heart got hard. All of this was not fair.
My parents consoled each other. I grabbed my keys and got out of there. I didn’t care about the consequences. It didn’t matter that I knew I was supposed to be getting ready for school. I didn’t care if I didn’t sleep at all because I had just been hit with the worst news imaginable. My mother might have cancer, and as big, fast, and strong as I was, there was nothing I could do about her facing sickness.
As I drove like a maniac, exceeding the speed limit, driving in the median, and going around slow cars, subconsciously it didn’t matter if I crashed because the thought of living this life without my mom was unbearable. If I wasn’t here, that problem was solved. I guess there was something else working inside of me that calmed me down because the next thing I knew, I was in my cousin’s neighborhood.
It didn’t look as upscale as the one I lived in. It was late at night, and the place was jumping. The place where I lived was like a closed mall. Brenton’s area had six and seven cars in certain driveways. Some were broken down and on bricks. Even though it was night, you could see the place wasn’t well kept, and maybe that’s why I didn’t feel sorry for people.
Though I was just a young black man, there was so much about my race I didn’t understand. Yeah, my parents provided a lot for me, but I worked hard on my own. When you see people not taking care of property, being all loud and rude in the middle of the street, not moving when they see a car coming, and with no common courtesy for their fellow man, I understood why some people don’t want to be around Negroes.
As I honked the horn for the brothers to get out the way, finally realizing they were so high they probably didn’t understand I was trying to get around them, I felt we had to do better. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream. He risked his life and didn’t even get to see his own children grow up so that we could be about something, and I knew in the pit of my gut that he wouldn’t be proud of the majority of black men: in jail, on drugs, not taking care of their families, and gone too soon.
That’s when I realized I was no better. I had to figure out a way to handle my problems. Black men probably turned to booze sometimes, not only because it was cheap to get alcohol, but also because it was easy to turn up the bottle and wash away their problems when jobs were hard to find and owning much of anything was out of reach. I could only imagine how a man must feel when he couldn’t take care of his family. Girls just throwing themselves at you trying to get pregnant so they can latch on to any dollar somebody worked hard to earn. I wasn’t just trying to blame females. It took two to tango, and if you decided it was cool to lie down with the sista, then whatever the consequences might be, you got to take care of it. It was easy for me to understand the plight of the black man, and that let me know I should not be so judgmental.
When I pulled up to Brenton’s yard, there was a whole bunch of yelling going on, and the front door was open. I quickly jumped out of my car and ran inside. My aunt’s place was being ransacked. A man I had never seen before was tripping before my very eyes.
“Grab his arm, Blake!” Brenton yelled out.
Brenton held the man by one hand, and before he could chuck my aunt’s lamp across the room, I grabbed his arm, and the lamp fell to the couch. The man started tugging, wiggling, and going ballistic.
“What’s wrong, Aunt Val?” I called out.
My aunt was just standing there, shaking.
Brenton yelled, “I told you, Mom, don’t trust him. I told you not to let him back in this house. I told you I saw him the other day around the corner, stoned.”
“He needed something to eat, Brenton. I was just helping my friend. I mean, we been dating … I didn’t know, but he came in here all drunk and high, Blake,” my aunt started saying to me. “I was so glad Brenton came home because he was hit …”
“What? What? You better tell these boys to leave me alone. I’m gonna call the cops on your tail. That’s what I’m gonna do. They gonna lock you up. Then what?”
“Joe, just get out of here!”
It was hard to get the man to cooperate, but Brenton and I handled it. Though he was kicking and screaming, we got him up out of my aunt’s place. My cousin wasn’t the starting linebacker for a 5A program for nothing. He grabbed that man by the collar like he was the dumbbell in practice and pushed him back so far he ended up falling on the concrete.
“I’m giving you this pass just once, but if I ever see you five feet in front of my house again … I’ll …”
I grabbed my cousin and pulled him away from the man. When I looked back, the dude had run away. I hadn’t seen my cousin upset like that ever. It was just a mess.
Brenton was breaking down in my arms so much that I could not even tell him my mom might have cancer. I had to put my hurt and pain aside and be there for not just my cousin, not just my boy, but for my brother.
“It’s going to be all right, man,” I said.
“He put his hands on my mom, Blake. I just don’t understand why she trying to get with any old joker, man. For a hug and a kiss, for a couple dollars … Dang, man, I got to quit the football team. I got to get another job. I got to take care of my mom so she don’t need nobody else to take care of her! I just got her, Blake. I just got her!”
I looked up at the perfect night sky and knew that I could not break even though I felt like I was in my own pit of doom. For my cousin’s sanity … For him to know we can get through this … For him to know he wasn’t alone … For him to know whatever he had to do, he wasn’t quitting the football team. We needed him. I had to be strong. He had to be strong. We had to keep our guard up.