What I Know:
My parents, Angus and Marion McLeod were married in Glasgow in 1946.
“No! Wait a minute! That’s not right. I need to start further back than this.”
Anna had only just begun to type the list of what she knew about her mother and father when she realized chronology and precision were going to be of vital importance. She shuffled the papers on which she had jotted down rough notes over the last two weeks. Today was the first time she had tried to organize her information on the computer. It was not starting well.
She leaned back and sighed deeply. Her mind was distracted by the farewell scene at the Aboutown bus terminal this morning when she had waved Lawren off on his trip to Toronto, and subsequent flight to England.
Both of them were disappointed that they were to be separated so soon after they had really become a couple. They had stood forlornly together in a corner of the terminal building waiting for the bus and jealously watching the other travellers. Several couples were obviously excited to be setting off on a Fall vacation. They whispered together and held hands while they checked their travel itineraries.
Anna almost ran to the booking counter and asked for a seat on the bus transport so she could join Lawren, but they had discussed this possibility endlessly and it became clear to Anna how important it was for him to take the trip independently. It would be an emotional journey into a past that strangely paralleled Anna’s. Neither of them had grown up with extended family members around them. In both cases, the stories of early escapades and the names of previous generations were missing from their childhood memories.
Anna’s theory about this was that those memories were perhaps too painful to be recalled when, for whatever reasons, decisions had been made to sever relationships by emigrating.
In Lawren’s case, his father and mother had left England for Canada. In Anna’s case, her parents had left Scotland for Canada, but the results in each situation were very similar. Two branches of families were apart and virtually unknown to each other and, as far as either Lawren or Anna knew, also forgotten.
Anna had been amazed to discover a Great-Aunt Helen who had taken the trouble to seek her out and to leave Anna, in her will, a property in Scotland. A great sadness in Anna’s life was that she had never met the aunt whose legacy had changed her life so completely. She fervently wished that Lawren might be spared this sad disappointment. If he could trace any Drake family members she knew he would be the better for it and his questions might be answered.
It was in an attempt to answer her own questions that Anna had taken Alina’s advice and begun to assemble a list of details she could recall about her Scottish parents. She intended to take this information with her to Glasgow and use it in a search for anyone remaining, or any source remaining, that might shed light on the reasons why her family was so divided.
Not that this list was going to be simple. It required much searching of memories long left behind, and Anna had not seriously tackled this task until Lawren’s departure.
Now it could be put off no longer. In a week or two she intended to be reunited with Lawren in Glasgow and together they would travel to the Oban house to spend a few precious days together.
Thinking of this, Anna was overwhelmed by longing to see him again. He had only just left her, and yet, the parting hurt in a way that was both painful and satisfying. Emotions she had never expected to feel again had resurfaced once she had accepted Lawren into her world.
Now the thought of being so far apart was almost unbearable. Who would she tell about these feelings? Even on days when circumstances kept them from seeing each other, they would talk for hours on their phones. Lawren had said these conversations allowed him to work while they exchanged inconsequential details about their respective days. He claimed he had never before been able to draw or paint without complete silence around him, which was one of the reasons why he usually worked late into the night. Now, he found Anna’s voice so relaxing that he could draft work or let his unconscious brain roam imaginatively, brush in hand, while listening and talking on a Bluetooth earpiece.
Anna derived considerable satisfaction from this confession. She felt as if she was a tiny part of the creative genius of this brilliant artist.
“This is not helping me to get going on the list!” she chided herself. Another deep sigh and she determined to try again to focus on the task at hand.
“Right! Start at the beginning. What do I know for sure and what is supposition?”
With these two categories defined, she felt encouraged to begin.
First, she would write what she knew, and if other ideas were prompted by this, well and good.
My mother’s maiden name was Jarvis, so my grandmother was Aileen Jarvis.
My father’s name was Angus McLeod. I know nothing about his parents. Possibly he was named after his father ie. Angus McLeod?
My parents met at college. She was studying nursing and he was becoming an engineer, like his father! So that gives me something to work with.
I know they married in a rush because their wedding picture was hardly bridal in appearance.
Why?
They were both young.
World War II was barely over.
There was a scandal brewing.
Philip, my half-brother, filled in this part. Angus McLeod is Philip’s father and he was raised in England by his mother, (what was her name?) and Kyle Purdy. Kyle was my father’s best friend.
Why would my mother rush into the marriage when her soon-to-be-husband had fathered a child?
Obvious.
She wanted to escape from the situation and avoid disgrace, recriminations, or even the likelihood of my father’s closer connection with the girl he had made pregnant.
This makes sense. That is why they emigrated so quickly!
Anna sat back and looked over what she had typed. There seemed to be more questions than definite answers. Suddenly she remembered Lynn, Philip’s sister. They had met once when Philip was summoned urgently to his mother’s deathbed in a nursing home in Heathfield, Sussex.
Of course! The old lady’s name was Isobel. Could it be that all four young people knew each other?
The chances of this were good. Three of them were in the wedding picture and the best man at the wedding married Isobel who was definitely known to my father.
This Kyle Purdy must have been a special young man; taking on his best friend’s pregnant girlfriend when the real father had left with his new wife and fled to Canada.
This also explains the problems in Philip’s family home; problems that drove him away at an early age leaving Lynn to look after both her father and mother.
No wonder Philip had dropped all contact with his sister. There must have been tremendous guilt in his situation. He was shocked when James and Caroline confronted him with a picture of his real father’s wedding with his adopted father as best man!
Of course! This also explains why there was no contact between my father and Kyle. Either Kyle was angry at Gus for abandoning Isobel or, perhaps, he was afraid to give his wife a chance to re-connect with a prior love.
So many missed opportunities to sort things out and make better choices for everyone involved!
Anna had never stopped to think about this complicated scenario before. She was amazed at how much she actually knew, or could surmise, from just a few known facts.
So my parents left for Canada under a cloud and had to start from scratch with nothing and no one to help them. I understand now why they had to work so hard and why my mother was not
a relaxed, stay-at-home lady like Alina’s lucky mother. I never thought of it this way before but it could have contributed to the fact that both my parents died too young.
But, what about the grandmothers who were deprived of their grandchildren?
Didn’t George McLennan’s research, when he was trying to find out about Helen Dunlop,
reveal that her mother had been married twice?
Anna saved her notes and went to her office to dig around in old files she had transferred from her apartment when she and Alina had bought the condo. As she rummaged around, she could hear Alina humming contentedly while she worked in the kitchen. She seemed happier now that Lawren would be out of the picture for a while.
Oh, she’s probably just looking forward to playing hostess to Philip soon.
Anna shook her head to remove the unworthy thoughts and resumed the search.
George’s precise notes about Helen Dunlop emerged from the drawer in a red file folder. Anna had chosen the bright colour for all the relevant information, so that one day she could retrieve it more easily.
I guess that day is now, she decided.
Among the papers was the letter from Helen that had been given to Anna when she arrived in Oban for the first time. George had handed her the unopened envelope, following Helen’s directive.
Anna picked it up at once, unable to resist re-reading the only hand-written letter from her benefactor, meant for her specifically.
She imagined she could hear a soft Scottish voice as she read the words again.
“I am your aunt, half-sister to your mother, Marion Jarvis McLeod.
My birth name is Aileen Anne Wilson and my adopted name you know.”
Just a minute! Anna re-read the sentences again. She had not noticed it before. It was only because she was delving back into the past in this way that the error became obvious. Helen’s birth name was Knox, the name of her father who died in the Spanish flu epidemic in 1918. Why would she deliberately write the maiden name of her mother and not that of her father?
Anna knew that Helen had done nothing without a good reason. She had plotted and planned her life, on her own, for many years. Strange that George McLennan had not pointed out the error when she had shared the letter with him.
Could Helen have intended to leave a clue so that Anna would be able to find the dark secret of Aileen Anne’s early abandonment? Perhaps the years she spent at Quarriers, as an unclaimed child, had marked Helen so badly that this was the only way she could contemplate introducing the subject? And yet, she must have meant for her past to be discovered.
Anna decided to ask George’s opinion about this when she returned to Oban.
Anna shut the red file and replaced it slowly. The saga of Helen’s hidden life was a closed file now, in more ways than one. Her present concern was more to do with her immediate family and whether she could discover more about her mother and father when they lived in Glasgow. She realized it was going to be a difficult task and might well result in frustration. Nevertheless she would persevere as far as she could. George’s research had proved essential in uncovering Helen’s past. Anna could only hope she might be as successful in her similar quest.
But where to start?
Her swirling thoughts were interrupted by a loud crash and a cry of alarm from the kitchen. Anna jumped up immediately and ran to see what had happened.
She found Alina on her knees on the floor scrabbling around trying to pick up the shards of a glass bowl that had fallen from the countertop.
“Stop right now, Alina!” cried Anna. “You are about to get badly cut. Let me help you stand before you get glass in your hands and knees.”
Alina seemed disoriented and Anna led her to a chair. “What happened, my dear?” she asked gently.
“I…I don’t know. I thought the dish was farther away from the edge and then it suddenly slipped.
I am so clumsy. I am sorry.”
“Nonsense! You are the most careful person I know in a kitchen. It’s just a silly accident. Don’t apologize.”
“That’s just the trouble, Anna. The truth is, I have had more of these accidents lately and I haven’t wanted to worry you about it. I am afraid my eyesight is getting worse.”
Shock at this confession sharpened Anna’s perceptions. She had been so involved with her own issues lately that she had missed the deterioration in Alina’s condition. She had vowed to always be there for her dearest friend and now she had broken that promise at the first distraction.
“I am the one who should apologize! I am ashamed that you have felt you should keep this from me, Alina. Please talk to me and tell me how you have been dealing with this all on your own.”
“Oh, it is such a relief to be able to talk to you about it! I haven’t wanted to burden you with my worries when you were in the midst of more important concerns of your own.”
Alina dabbed at her cheeks with chocolate-smudged hands. Anna felt waves of shame flood through her. She reached over and placed a napkin in Alina’s hand so she could wipe her eyes.
“You are my first concern, and always will be, no matter what is going on in my life”
She folded Alina into a warm hug until her sobs had diminished and Anna had a chance to calm her own beating heart and determine to make reparations for her neglect.
“Right now we have this time to ourselves. We need to catch up with each other and see where we are. There have been many changes in our lives lately and we have to be honest about the effects, whatever they mean for the future.”
“I know you are right, Anna. I don’t want you to think I am avoiding the inevitable. Change can be beneficial. You have a new beginning with Lawren and I am happy for you. He obviously loves you and how could I be anything other than glad about that?”
Anna squeezed her old friend’s arm when she heard this. Alina’s tone of voice was sincere and Anna knew she meant every word.
“There have been good changes for you, too, don’t forget. Philip is a half-brother to me and he has an automatic place in my life and heart. Whatever your relationship to him becomes, he will be in both our lives from now on. Don’t you agree?”
“Of course, I do. I must admit I am looking forward to his visit. I want to show him around town and see how Susan and Jake get on with him. I think he will be surprised by the A Plus business.”
“He should be in admiration of what you have accomplished there, my dear. Without your talents we would not be living comfortably here together. Quite an achievement for our time of life, I’d say!”
“Well, I most definitely did not do that on my own!” She chuckled, and Anna joined in a laugh aware that Alina had recovered her equilibrium and was ready to discuss the real problem.
“Now, please tell me about your eyesight,”
Alina gulped, then turned to face Anna. “There have been small changes, of course. I have been adjusting to those but in the last month things have been accelerating. I get so frustrated when anything I need has been moved. The reason for my annoyance is because I find it so difficult to find the missing item. I can look for a short while but then my head aches and my eyes start to get much worse.”
Anna realized she had been guilty of re-organizing a kitchen cupboard lately without understanding the effect on Alina. She also figured out why there had been finger marks on the doors and hairs in the powder room sink. Alina’s eyesight was no longer acute enough for her to spy these small items and do her usual meticulous cleaning.
“Some of that is my fault, Alina. I will be more careful now I know what’s happening. Please don’t keep things from me again. I want to help.”
“I know you do, but can you appreciate how difficult it is for me to admit the truth? It’s almost as if I can fool myself as long as I don’t have to confess it to someone else.”
“You need not be that brave. Everyone who knows you wants to help and support you, Alina. Even Philip. You said you told him about your macular degeneration when you spoke to him in Manchester.”
“Yes. I thought it was best to get everything out in the open so there would be no false hopes or expectations.”
“That was wise of you and I imagine he had a few confessions of his own to make?”
“Oh, we had a heart-to-heart over a long meal in his dining room. He knows himself quite well. He’s a workaholic and a perfectionist but he sees a different way to live now and wants to mend fences with his family in England as well as getting to know us better over here.”
“Good. Mending fences and building bridges is exactly what I am intending to do in Scotland.
How could we fail with such good intentions among us?”