“Your mother?” Nancy asked, eyes widening. “What?”
“Yes, she went by the name Agnes Sawney Bean Patrick, but most people know her as Lamia, Lamashtu, or Lilith,” I replied, as if I was discussing the weather.
The discovery that my mother was involved in the Fraternity of Orion shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did. Perhaps it was because I’d assumed these psycho killers were all misogynist in nature and would never answer to a woman. Unfortunately, my mother wasn’t exactly a normal woman was she? She was a horror that had stalked the men and women of the Earth for untold millennium.
It was ironic that she’d never hidden her dark side from us but had been a somewhat normalizing presence among us, at least as far as such things went. She’d pretended to be a mother and housewife for about a decade to make sure we were socialized. Lamia had forced Billy to do no lasting harm and made sure grandfather had been there to keep us fed as well.
I never had the impression our mother had loved us—such an emotion was beyond her—but we had been valuable in the same way a pure-bred show dog or horse was. Then, one day, she was simply gone, and we only had the frightening prospect of her return to keep Billy from disposing of us the same way he’d forced us to help him dispose of his father. Yeah, one could say that my relationship with my mother was not close.
“Lilith,” Nancy repeated. “The mother of all monsters.”
“Well, just vampires, werewolves, witches, lilin, and slashers,” Carrie replied, snuggling her dog as she sat the Necronomicon down on the ground. “So, most of them.”
Gerald looked between us. “That explains so much about you two.”
“Why the hell would Lilith want to be with your father?” Nancy asked, expressing all manner of unstated disgust. Then again, it was a fair question. My mother had music festivals dedicated to her and was worshiped as a goddess of women despite the staggering number she’d murdered over the years. In the same way Vlad Tepes and Genghis Khan were admired, she was a figure of feminine power in certain circles. The idea someone like her would choose Billy Patrick of all people to breed with was a hard pill to swallow.
“That’s what you’re worried about?” Summer asked, incredulously. “Not the fact your boyfriend is a half-demon?”
“No a half-demon would be something else,” Carrie said. “Lamia was human once, I think, in like Paleolithic times.”
“Bark-bark!” Cujo said.
“Oh yeah,” Carrie said to her dog. “There’s like a whole bunch of lost civilizations of demon-worshipers that regular science and academia doesn’t know about. Acheron, Atlantis, Ultima Thule, and so on. I mean, sometimes Nazis and other racists are making these places up to pretend brown people weren’t capable of building pyramids, but a few of them are real. Stonehenge was created by demons, you know. Mostly because we Celts are all descended from horrifying monsters.”
“Does the dog actually talk?” Nancy pointed to Cujo. “I mean, in a way that she can understand?”
“He’s a very intelligent animal,” Gerald said. “Frighteningly so.”
A part of me wondered if we should be standing here chatting away with so many bodies around us. Aside from the sheer creep factor, which didn’t seem to be affecting the women of Theta Alpha Alpha in the slightest, I wasn’t worried. The revelation that my mother was in charge here didn’t make me think I was less likely to be killed this evening—quite the opposite—
but it did make me think she would spare us all the sacrificial knife until she’d gotten what she wanted from us. She was powerful enough to eradicate us outright. As such, promising to spare the others if my sister and I went to visit was probably true.
You should be prepared to strike back at her, the Spirit of the Hunt said. You have the power.
Did you lure us here as part of her plan? Are you working together? I asked.
The Spirit of the Hunt scoffed. Your mother has warped the other Red Gods to her service. They each possess one of the slashers here and feed through them. I am disgusted by what they have become. No, I want nothing to do with that evil witch.
Except, you have possessed me and are feeding off my kills, I replied. How are you any different?
I am going to win, my dear William, the Spirit of the Hunt said. You will either emerge from this baptism by fire stronger and purer, or die in the process. If it’s the latter, then I will find a new pawn to make a queen.
I think you lost the metaphor there somewhere, I said. Even if the queen is the most powerful piece in chess.
It is the most powerful piece everywhere, the Spirit of the Hunt whispered.
“William?” Nancy asked.
“Sorry,” I blinked. “Didn’t mean to get distracted.”
“I was just asking about your mother’s relationship to your father,” Nancy said. “Just to give us a sense of what’s going on.”
“Dad didn’t always look like a blond Groundskeeper Willy,” Carrie said, cheerfully. “One time he looked a lot like William.”
“I could have gone my entire life not knowing that,” Nancy said, grimacing.
“My father wasn’t her partner but her slave during their marriage,” I replied, shrugging. “Lamia has a generally poor impression of men as a gender. They’re for pleasure and breeding but nothing else. Not that her opinion of mortal women is much better.”
Lamia was a woman who believed that humans were an inferior race to demons and was one of Hell’s longest-lasting champions in the mortal world. Whether she was running bloody bordello or carrying out sinister rites to the Elder Gods, they were all just tools to her. I think the only human she respected was my grandfather, at least as far as I know, who she’d had polite disagreements with on whether to let Hell’s hordes run wild over the universe. God, my childhood was utterly fucked up.
Don’t mention his name, the Spirit of the Hunt said. You are none of his.
Not being part of my family is an acquittal, I replied.
Touché, the Spirit of the Hunt replied, surprised.
Summer blinked. “Well, at least she has some reasonable views.”
Nancy glared at her.
“I think we should—” one of the Heathers spoke.
“Get out of here,” the second finished another’s sentence.
“You should visit your mother,” the third replied.
“Even if she’s going to kill you,” the original said.
“No offense,” all three of them said simultaneously.
I blinked and looked confused. “Are they clones?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Nancy said, looking at her friends. “They’re just sisters with a gestalt psychic connection.”
“And now the Midwich Cuckoos arrive,” Gerald muttered, shaking his head. “Now all we need is a werewolf and we have a whole Monster Mash.”
Shinobu let out a very wolf-like growl. “That’s racist, Leech.”
“Irony is not your strong suit, is it?” Gerald asked.
Carrie blinked then went, “Oh, it’s because leech is a slur. Ha-ha. That’s hilarious.”
Shinobu gave a very dog-like look of embarrassment.
Cujo laughed at her. I swear the dog did.
Gerald rolled his eyes. “I blew up the power station of the compound. I got shot repeatedly in the process. I had to eat someone. As far as I’m concerned, I think we’re even for all this. If you don’t mind, I’m going to depart and try to find my way back to civilized country. A place with vampires and nightclubs.”
“You haven’t been given leave to depart, slave,” Carrie said, her voice low and threatening.
Gerald looked sideways at her and met her gaze. “Yes, mistress.”
“I’m a nature witch,” Jenna said. “My mother said transwomen couldn’t be witches, but I proved her wrong. The Earth Mother knows her own.”
“Wow, they just picked the wrong sorority to mess with, didn’t they?” Carrie asked.
Or did they? I wasn’t sure.
“I must go to her,” I replied, interrupting them. “You need to leave, and I’ll handle her.”
Mind you, I had no idea how I would handle my mother, a being so feared and powerful that she was the Chosen of Hell’s Queen as well as her avatar but that seemed a secondary concern at the moment. I felt like it was time to do the right thing and, while I had no actual idea what the right thing was in virtually any sort of circumstance, I’d seen enough movies to know that offering to heroically sacrifice yourself seemed approved of by most societies.
“Hahaha,” Carrie said, chuckling. “Oh Lord, brother, you are hilarious.”
I’d been hoping for my offer to be met with a bit more tears and weeping than scorn. Mind you, the only time my sister ever cried was over dead animals so maybe I was barking up the wrong tree. To use a metaphor that Cujo would have approved of. I puffed up my chest, unhappy. “I’m not joking. You guys need to leave now. I believe Lamia when she says that she’s satisfied whatever evil quota she’s needing to meet and will let you go if I go visit her.”
“If we go visit her,” Carrie corrected. “Mom isn’t going to settle for halfsies. Also, you’re a goddamn moron if you think I’m going to let you play the role of the self-sacrificing hero.”
“Carrie—” I started to say.
“No,” Carrie interrupted. “I tolerate you doing this sort of thing because it’s cute how much you want to be the good guy. However, there’s no such thing. We’re slashers, Will, and that’s all we’ll ever be. We might slash people who are really, really awful, and I think that’s a good thing, but we’re not good guys. We’re the children of the Mother of Darkness and the world’s worst Santa Claus. So, stop trying to act all noble because I know you get off on killing as much as I do.”
“What incredible friends you have,” Summer muttered to her sister.
“Says the woman they’re sacrificing themselves for,” Nancy said.
“We’re not sacrificing anybody,” Carrie said, correcting her. “No offense but it was a choice between your bitchy sister versus my brother and I, that’s not much of a choice. No offense.”
“Some taken,” Summer replied. “I understand the urge, though. Personally, I’d love to kill you both now, but Nancy wouldn’t forgive me for that.”
Nancy put her hands on her hips. “You’re right about that.”
“You didn’t mind me killing your last boyfriend,” Summer said.
“That was different!” Nancy said.
“Wait, what?” I asked.
“We’re going to go to visit our mom, kill her, and then go for milkshakes,” Carrie said, ignoring the sisters’ fighting. “Are we clear?”
“I’m lactose intolerant,” I replied. “I’d be willing to settle for cherry pie and tea, though.”
“We are going to win!” Carrie said, raising a fist to the air. “We have the element of surprise.”
That was when the intercom blared up again. My mother spoke in a deeply amused voice. “I actually have every room in the compound bugged. So, it’s kind of hilarious you think you’re getting away with anything. Still, I appreciate your abundance of confidence.”
Carrie fumed and glared up at the ceiling. She then gave it the finger.
“I also have cameras,” Lamia said. “I’ll be seeing you soon. Well, unless you want me to send Mike after you. In which case, well, a lot of those girls will have to die too.”
“I think you’d be surprised,” Summer said.
“Not really,” Lamia said. “I was displeased when Nancy escaped. I had to let you and the others go because she was the only one I thought had a chance of beating my merc and dirty cop guards. It turned out I was right.”
Summer looked offended. “Lying about Nancy being better than me won’t help your case.”
“You still think being a virgin is what lets us keep our powers,” Nancy muttered.
“It does,” Summer said, sniffing the air before doing a double take. “Wait, what? You mean it doesn’t?”
All the other women in the sorority quickly found something else to look at. Carrie, on the other hand, sniggered.
“I have reached the limit of my patience,” Lamia said. It was the same bored tone she’d used before bedtime. “Finish up what you’re doing, or I’ll send in the hounds.”
“Bark!” Cujo growled at the ceiling. It was at that point I decided there was something very wrong with that dog.
“Does she mean literal hounds or the guards we slaughtered?” Nancy asked.
“Don’t say slaughtered,” Jenna said, frowning. “I disabled mine. That was when you slit their throats.”
“Guilty,” Summer said. “Except not.”
“I find hounds to be racist,” Shinobu said. “I mean, if they’re werewolves and she really is our Dark Mother—”
“Then the entire supernatural ecology should call Child Services,” I replied. “Lamia is a terrible mother and has killed almost as many of her children as she has those of Adam and Eve.”
“Wait, are they a thing?” Jenna asked. “Because, first, I’m Wiccan and second, I’m a believer in evolution.”
“I’m going with William and Carrie,” Nancy said.
“You can’t be serious,” Summer said, shaking her head. “Nancy, you’ve known these people for a day.”
“It’s my job to protect humans from monsters,” Nancy replied. “They’re humans and their mother is a monster.”
“And that’s half-right,” Carrie said, cheerfully contradicting the idea she was human. “If she wants to come with us to help us kill the Evil Queen then that’s what she’s doing.”
Gerald looked uncomfortable. “Vampires get stronger as they age. I’ve met a few of the Ancient Ones and they’re not so much like Dracula, but more if Superman was a vampire. They look like Nosferatu and Medusa while they’re able to throw cars. Lamia is like a ten to a hundred times older than them so this is suicide.”
“So you suggest we run away?” I asked.
“Yes!” Gerald said. “Go build your slasher powers by, uh, not killing innocent people or whatever you guys normally do to build up your powers.”
“Kill innocent people,” I replied. “We’ll be fine.”
“Will we?” Carrie asked.
“No,” I replied.
“Ah, just checking,” Carrie said. “Well, it was a good run. Do you think we’ll find each other in Hell?”
“Undoubtedly,” I replied. “I think we should probably also try and find Grandpa. His heart was in the right place even if he went about it the wrong way.”
“Me too,” Carrie said. “Then we can go kill Dad for all eternity over and over again.”
“I said, I’m coming,” Nancy said, her voice low and threatening. “Neither of you are going to die.”
I moved to argue with her. To explain that this was my battle and that there was no use in her sacrificing herself for what was almost certainly suicide. One look at her eyes, though, told me that my chivalry was neither wanted nor accepted. Indeed, in that moment I was more afraid of Nancy than I had ever been of either my parents.
“As you wish,” I said.
Summer glared at me, then her sister, and then down. “Well, I’m coming with you too.”
“Then everyone here will die,” I replied. “You need to lead them out. My mother’s deal is conditional and she has no problem going back on her word.”
“Honestly, you guys are totally going to get hunted down after she kills us,” Carrie said.
“Bark?” Cujo said.
Carrie turned her dog to look at him. “Do you want to go with the nice people, Cujo?”
Cujo, I swear, shook his head. “Bark!”
“Okay,” Carrie said. “Then we all die together!”
Nancy looked at Summer and all the sisters. “Go, I’ll be fine. It’ll be just like one of the movies on Saturday night. The heroine stops running and then proceeds to kill the nasty monster stalking them.”
“Unless she’s killed in the stinger or sequel,” Jenna said. “I mean, have you ever watched A Nightmare on Elm Street. A bunch of awesome female heroes get murdered every new movie! Except the original sequel, which is about a gay man coming to terms with Freddy wanting to screw him.”
The Heathers glared at her in unison. In that moment, they looked more like the Marines that they were supposed to be than the psychic trio that I’d been introduced to.
“What?” Jenna asked.
Carrie blinked. “Is that what the second movie was about? It suddenly makes so much more sense.”
Nancy went to the fireplace and removed a battle ax from the mantle that I hadn’t seen in my earlier scan of the room. “I’m here to kick ass and chew bubblegum and I’m all out of bubblegum.”
“Is that from a movie?” Gerald asked.
“Good luck,” Carrie said, grabbing Gerald and kissing him passionately as he struggled in her embrace.
“That would be so less funny if he was a woman and she was a dude,” Nancy said.
“Or he was a vampire,” I replied.
Gerald pulled back, confused, though not upset. “Actually, I was going to come with you.”
“You were?” Carrie asked, blinked.
“Yes, I trust my chances of survival are better with you than Summer,” Gerald said.
Summer grinned and made a slicing gesture across her throat.
“Splendid,” I replied. “The Scooby Gang is all ready to be murdered.”
Nancy put her battle ax over one shoulder. “Are you Fred or Shaggy?”
“Velma,” I replied.