CHAPTER 1

FAMILY

Sometimes when I lie on your warm chest And hear your every happy sigh I gaze into your two kind eyes And wonder, “Who is that?”

CAT EPIGRAM

I COULD PEE ON THIS

Her new sweater doesn’t smell of me

I could pee on that

She’s gone out for the day and left her laptop on the counter

I could pee on that

Her new boyfriend just pushed my head away

I could pee on him

She’s ignoring me ignoring her

I could pee everywhere

She’s making up for it by putting me on her lap

I could pee on this

I LICK YOUR NOSE

I lick your nose

I lick your nose again

I drag my claws down your eyelids

Oh, you’re up? Feed me

CLOSED DOOR

LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN

LET ME IN LET ME I-

Oh, uh, hello

I did not expect an answer

I did not expect an entrance

I did not expect this room to be so unbelievably dull

So, uh, goodbye

WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING?

Why are you screaming?

What did I do wrong?

Why are you crying?

How can I make it right?

Would you like it in a different color?

Would you like it in a different size?

Would you like it in a different room?

I just wanted to show my love

I just wanted to express my thanks

I just wanted to put a dead mouse on your sheets

But now you are screaming

And I don’t know how to make you stop

WHO IS THAT ON YOUR LAP?

There’s another cat in the house

A cat I’ve never seen

A much younger cat

You seem to know her name

You accidentally called me by her name

Right in front of the lamp

And my friend the throw pillow

I’ve never been so humiliated

I may never love again

SEPARATION

You can have the CDs,

I will take the string

You can have the TV,

I will take this fuzzy thing

You can have the kitchen set,

I will take this crumpled foil

You can have the car,

I will keep this rug I soil

You can have the beach house,

I will take this tissue box

You can have everything,

Ooo I want those dirty socks

You can go to hell, I will see to that

For how dare you come home

smelling of another cat?

SOMETHING’S WRONG

Something’s wrong

Why are the walls a different color?

Something’s not right

When did we get these stairs?

Something’s off

How did the kitchen move across the floor?

Something’s going on

Who changed all the homes outside?

Something’s very odd

Why are you mispronouncing “Georgia” as “New York”?

Something happened

When you put me in that carrying case

And someday soon

I will figure it out

UNBRIDLED LOVE

I knead your chest with my sharp claws

To show you my affection

I bite your arm and don’t let go

To show you adoration

I walk across your throat at night

Because I want to say, “Hello!”

I leap from high upon your crotch

Because I miss you so

I trip you when you walk down the stairs

So you know I’m always near

I sit on your face and block all your air

So my absence you need not fear

I show my love in so many ways

My devotion runneth over

So I don’t know why when I approach

You duck and run for cover

BROTHERS

They say we are brothers though

we look nothing alike

They say we are family though

we differ so much

I am tabby, you are brown

I am long, you are short

I am thin, you are stout

I am lively, you are shy

I am a kitten, you are a hamster

But kin is kin

So let me run on your wheel

O CHRISTMAS TREE

O please

O come on

0 like you didn’t know

What you were getting for Christmas

Before I ripped open all your gifts

0 by the way

The tree looks better on its side

0 I really do think so

THE LEASH

Don’t put that thing around my neck

Don’t take me out the front door

Don’t show me off in the park

Don’t drag me into every store

Don’t smile when people stop and stare

Don’t sit outside and talk on the phone

Don’t walk me all over this damn town

Then wonder why you’re still alone

SERIOUSLY

Seriously?

Seriously?!

SERIOUSLY?!

If I took YOU to the doctor

I would make damn sure

You came back with both of them

Down there

Now if you’ll excuse me

I’m going to look forlornly out a window

For like eighteen years

Eighteen looooooooong years

Seriously?!

FOREVER

I could lie by your side for the rest

of our lives

I think I’ll walk away right now

I could let you pet me for

a hundred years

I think we need some time apart

I could be kissed a thousand

thousand times

I think I’m needed somewhere else

I could sit on your lap forever

I said I could sit on your lap forever

Don’t you even think of trying to get up

Well, you should have gone

to the bathroom beforehand

Because forever is a very, very long time

THIS IS MY CHAIR

This is my chair

This is my couch

That is my bed

That is my bench

There is my chaise

There is my settee

Those are my footstools

Those are my rugs

Everywhere is my place to sleep

Perhaps you should just get a hotel room

MY LIFE IS RUINED

That was just for you

That was just our little joke

So we could share a little laugh

Just the two of us alone

But you took that special moment

You posted it online

Now forty million people think

I bark like a dog

And so I hide under the covers

Cursing your very name

Saying you better get a good lawyer

Or me a great agent