CHAPTER 2

WORK

They say there are

Twenty-four hours in a day

But I’m only up for three of them

And two I consider overtime

CAT PROVERB

I LICK

I lick my neck, I lick my chest

I lick my back to look my best

I lick my paw to wash my face

I lift my leg to lick that place

I lick my tail, I lick my belly

I lick my back or did I do that already?

I lick my tail, maybe once more

Oh what the hell, let’s make it four

I lick my neck in case I forgot

Did I lick my chest? Well, I missed a spot

I lick my face, my leg, my tail, my face

I relick my belly and then, yes, my face

I lick all the time, I’m so soil-free

Seems the only thing I can’t lick is my OCD

YOUR KEYBOARD

Suetdhe8defdisjas

I just typed a poem in your presentation

Chsothekstevdswdj

I just typed a joke in your email

Nosyd76mhdlwdag

I just typed something personal

on your update

Vos7swps8s73wbk

I just typed my political views

in your tweet

Bhst9ahw-2ynsyhz

I just accidentally typed in

your bank account password

Kitty’s gonna buy himself

a new scratching post

ONE DAY

One day words I shall talk

One day on my hind legs I shall walk

One day your books I shall read

One day I shall dress in your finest tweed

And on that day when I talk and walk

When I know the facts

and look stunning in slacks

When I am your equal

and not under your command

I shall stride right up and fully demand,

“Can you get my favorite fuzzy toy

from under the bed?

It’s been there for like a week,

and I can’t reach it”

BUSY, BUSY

It’s 8A.M. and time to rest

It’s 10A.M. and time to relax

It’s noon and time for repose

It’s 3P.M. and time for shut-eye

It’s 6P.M. and time for siesta

It’s 9P.M. and time to slumber

It’s midnight and time to snooze

It’s 4A.M. and time to hang upside down

from your bedroom ceiling, screaming

SCRATCH

Scratch Scratch Scratch

Scratch Scratch Scratch

Scratch Scratch

Scratch

There

It is done

Now gaze upon your sofa leg

And see an exact replica

of Rodin’s The Thinker

I mean, if you look at it

from just the right angle

Anyway, on to my next masterpiece—

Turning your curtains into confetti

Really, I should have

my own gallery show

TALK TO ME

Tell me about your day

Tell me about your dreams

Tell me about the girl you adore

The one who smiles but walks away

Tell me your greatest fears

Tell me your biggest secrets

Tell me your most cherished moments

The ones that light your darkest days

Tell me why things don’t work out

Tell me why stuff gets in the way

Tell me why it stops you cold

The one thought you can’t let go

Lie on the couch and talk to me

Open your mind and bare yourself

Because I think I finally figured out

how to bill you

And I’m about to make a fortune

DID YOU KNOW

Did you know?

Did you see?

Did you count?

How many times

I had to smack that moth

On your forehead

With my paw?

It was like a thousand

He’s dead now, though

Definitely dead

One more smack

You’re welcome

NINE LIVES

The first life is for running

The second life is for staring

The third life is for climbing

The fourth life is for tearing

The fifth life is for sleeping

The sixth life is for sleeping

The seventh life is for sleeping

The eighth life is for sleeping

The ninth life is for writing my memoirs

I RUN

I run across the room

I race across the floor

I dash to this wall

I thought I saw something

I forgot what it was

Now everyone is staring at me

So I run back across the room

I race back across the floor

I dash back to that other wall

So everyone will think

I’m just running laps

TRIPPED

I’m sorry I tripped you in the hall

I’m sorry I tripped you in the den

I’m sorry I tripped you in the bedroom

I’m sorry I tripped you in the kitchen

I’m sorry I tripped you in the attic

I’m sorry I tripped you in the basement

I’m sorry I tripped you out the door

I’m sorry I tripped you on hard cement

But some men paid me five grand to kill you

WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER

I cleaned the floor

With your sweater back and forth

I cleared the table

With a few whips of my tail

I dusted your shelves

Of all the knickknacks you kept

I made your bed

Smell a lot more like me

I’m here to help

I want to do my part

After all, we’re all in this together

CALL ME

You can

Gall me

“Muffins”

All you want

But ‘til

You add

“Sir”

At the start

I’m not turning my head

CHICKEN AND RICE

Chicken and rice for the first day

Chicken and rice for the second day

Chicken and rice for the third day

Chicken and rice for the fourth day

Chicken and rice for the fifth day

Chicken and rice for the sixth day

Lamb and rice today

And just like that my world crumbles

AND NOW WE KNOW

Nine-hundred-and-ninety-five

I’m doing this for you

Nine-hundred-and-ninety-six

So please don’t interrupt

Nine-hundred-and-ninety-seven

I’m just keeping them honest

Nine-hundred-and-ninety-eight

So please do take note

Nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine

And now thanks to me we all know

There really were one thousand sheets

in this toilet paper roll

KNEEL BEFORE ME

In ancient Egypt

We cats were gods

We ruled the heavens

We reigned on earth

So kneel before me

I said come to me

Uh, listen to me

How about just a treat then?

Okay, maybe a toy

Some crumpled paper would do

I’m not picky

Well, can you at least scratch

behind my ear?

Can you at least do that?

Oh

Oh yes

You serve your master well