THE AIR HAS lodged itself in my lungs. Lucca hasn’t moved, and I want nothing more than for him to leave. He’s speaking. His mouth is moving, and I can read the words, but I can’t hear him over the roar of my blood that races through my veins.
He snaps his fingers angrily as he advances on me. He stops a foot away from me, and I can’t help when my shoulders curl forward as if they can protect me.
“You didn’t stop me, so don’t keep looking at me like that.” His words are low but fueled with anger.
I’m numb.
I think I am until I have the thought, and my body burns with pain, humiliation, and confusion.
It wasn’t what I expected. He didn’t react as I thought he would. I thought if I taunted him that he would take away my virginity, the one thing that has held me in this prison. I just didn’t think he would take it so viciously.
He snaps his fingers again in my face, and I take a step away from him. My back connects with the wall. Cold drips down my spine, and I feel like I’m waking up from a nightmare, only to step into one in real life.
I keep my gaze pinned on the floor. I don’t want to look at him. I don’t want to think of what I just allowed to happen. I focus on his shoes as he moves away from me. The door slams, and the impact rattles my bones and allows me to fall apart.
I’m heaving for air, but I don’t move.
In my head, I’m trying to calm myself. This is what I wanted. I wanted out of this prison. And when they inspect me, I will be free from the chains I allowed them to wrap me in at ten years old.
Igor would know it was The Handler, and I don’t think Lucca is stupid enough to deny it. So now what’s the end game? What would he do? Kill me?
My legs shake, and my mind spins with the fear that I’ve made a mistake. I could have been given to a man I could have grown to love.
As I close my eyes, the tears start to fall. I swallow as much as I can before I move. Everything in me hurts. Moisture between my legs has me walking to the bathroom. My hands tremble as I turn on the tap. I clench them into fists to try to stop the shaking, but they continue to tremble.
This is what I wanted, I remind myself as I wash my hands.
I strip off all my clothes before turning on the shower and stepping into the spray. I hate watching the pink liquid swirl down the drain that runs from between my legs.
“It’s done,” I say out loud, hoping to stop the ache in my stomach. Instead of relief, all I feel is more pain. Pain that I don’t want to feel.
Closing my eyes, I keep my head under the spray. I move my hands through the spray like I’m parting water in an ocean. The memory comes hard and fast as my father’s bracelet catches the light of the sun; the tan on his arms always darkens in the summer months. He’s a giant; he’s my dad.
He’s my dad, and his arms circle my waist as he lifts me out of the water. His voice is in my ear. “Got you, Evie.”
I’m laughing, and I hold on to the memory, trying to remember the smell of his skin that was covered in sun lotion. Or knowing my mother was sitting on the beach watching out for us. I can’t remember what she wore that day, only the large straw hat that she let me wear when I came ashore.
The smell of crisps and the taste of happiness dissolves as I open my eyes.
I finish washing and leave the shower, clinging onto my parents’ faces. That’s why I allowed Lucca to take me. That’s why I didn’t fight him. I have no other way out, but if it gives me one tiny chance to see their faces again, one tiny chance to be in my father’s arms, or one tiny chance to smell my mother’s Charlie perfume, then it’s worth it.
I dry myself, but I’m gentle and only pat between my legs. I get redressed with a newfound strength, emboldened by the step I’ve taken to change my fate, for better or worse.
I don’t think of the worse as I lie on top of the covers waiting for him to return. The day fades to night, and I’m left with my sore body and a longing for home that I’ve never felt before.
I don’t get off the bed or move at all. I stay still and allow myself to go home in my head.
When the night has fully taken over, I sit up and listen. I listen for any type of noise, but the house is quiet.
The bedroom door is unlocked as I step into the darkened hall. A light at the end has me pausing. It’s just like his penthouse, and my mind screams at me that it’s a trap and I need to return to my room.
I make it to the end of the hall, and the stairs are right in front of me. My hand rests on the banister; the varnished wood is soft under my palm as I stare down the stairs like I can see around the corner what awaits me.
“You should be asleep, Evie.”
My lids flutter closed, and a shiver ripples across my flesh. He’s behind me.
“I can’t sleep.” My voice sounds raw like I’ve been crying for hours. Inside, I’ve cried for everything I have lost. I have to force my fingers open in order to release the banister and turn.
He’s right there, all dressed in black, looking down at me with heavy eyes.
His hands are behind his back, and I wonder if he’s holding something. Has he decided to get rid of me? Fear has me reaching for the banister again to keep me upright.
I nod at him, but I can’t hold his eye. “I’ll go to sleep now.” It’s a whisper as I move away from the stairs and closer to him. My heart pounds as I’m ready to pass him. A hand burns into my flesh as he grips my arm, stopping me from leaving.
He isn’t speaking but staring at me. Anger flashes in his gaze as I try to pull away from his touch that some part of me still yearns for.
“What did you expect to gain by allowing me to take you?”
My lips twist into a snarl. I can’t stop the response, and I try to walk away from him again, only to find myself pinned to the wall by a solid wall of muscle.
His erection prods into me, and my stomach clenches with want while the rest of me shrivels with fear.
“Answer me.” His voice is calm.
Taunting him gave me a freedom I’d never felt before. Hitting and provoking him was better than anything I’ve ever felt in my life.
But right now, I feel small against the wall under him. “I don’t know.”
“Evie.” The warning in my name has me looking up into Lucca’s dark eyes.
I don’t want to share my truths with him. My personal thoughts. A piece of me he has no right to. Red hot lava radiates throughout my veins, and my head swims with dizziness. I know I’m going to do something reckless. I dig my nails into the palms of my hands to calm myself.
“I’m just hoping when they find out I’m not a virgin that they will kill us both.” I even manage to grin at him, but it wavers when he leans away from me. He doesn’t allow me to move, but the look on his face is frightening. It’s like he’s impressed with my answer.
Time drags out, and it allows my fear to stretch and morph into something that steals the sound away from the space. Lucca’s lip rises, and he takes another step away from me.
“That’s very clever.” He half laughs; it’s short, but I heard it.
The smile leaves his lips. “Go to bed, Evie.”
I’m moving quickly, as my heartbeat is the rhythm I walk to. I’m in his room, and once again, the air has been vacuumed from the room. I stand still and don’t move until I’m steadier and take baby steps to the bed, which I sit on.
Emotionally, I can’t even think anymore as I lie down and stare at the ceiling. I want to go back to my memories, but they don’t come. Lucca’s aftershave has left an imprint on my mind, and each time I see my parents, the image morphs into Lucca.
This happens until I steal small bubbles of time, but the smallest sound has me opening my eyes. Light pours in from the window, and it’s like an hourglass has released the last grain of sand.
Time’s up.
Game over.
I sit up as the door opens. Seeing Lucca in the light of day has my anger and attraction for him tying so tightly together that I can’t untie them. I can’t figure out what I should feel right now.
“Come downstairs.” His gaze doesn’t waver, and as I get off the bed, I wonder if he feels anything for what happened last night.
Lucca doesn’t walk away but waits for me to leave the room first. I hate having him at my back and find myself hesitating at the top of the stairs. I grip the banister for dear life. I’m waiting for two large hands to land on my back and push me down the stairs.
The steps nearly disappear under my feet as I rush down the stairs. The moment my feet touch the floor, I glance behind me as Lucca clears the final step. His dark eyes are alight with humor, and I’m frozen to the spot as he walks past me.
“Come, Evie,” he calls from the kitchen, and I glance at the front door. A shadow moves past it, dressed in black.
“Evie.”
The warning in Lucca’s voice has me entering the kitchen. The table is set for two. My stomach sours. I can’t eat with him.
“Sit down.”
I do as he says. He approaches the table with a bowl of porridge. I’m staring at the white oats.
“Isn’t that an Irish breakfast?”
My head snaps up, and I hate that I told him so much about me. “I’m fine. I’m not hungry.”
His jaw clenches at my answer. I love porridge. My mam made the best porridge in the world. I push the bowl away, the smell raising too many memories I had forgotten about. Lucca doesn’t step away but pushes the bowl back in front of me.
“I want you to eat, Evie. You look pale.”
My heart races as I glare up at him. “I don’t want it.”
I’m waiting for him to lose his temper and smash the bowl or force the food down my throat, but instead, he moves away from me and gets himself a bowl of porridge. He sits down and starts to eat it. He doesn’t put any sugar or milk on it.
His face twists at the heavy taste, but he doesn’t stop eating it. The smell continues to surround me, and my stomach grumbles. Lucca’s gaze swings toward me.
“You can’t eat porridge like that.”
He stops eating, waiting for me to continue.
“You need milk and sugar.” I drop his gaze and stare into my own bowl. “A dessert spoon of sugar and cover it with milk.” I frown as pain burns my throat.
“I’ll put sugar and milk on mine if you eat.”
I exhale before looking up at Lucca. Is he trying to show me kindness? “No.”
His jaw clenches, but he doesn’t say anything as someone steps into the kitchen.
“He’s here.”
I glance over my shoulder at the deep voice as his security man leaves the kitchen.
When I face Lucca, he isn’t looking at me. Instead, he scoops up another spoon of porridge before leaving the table.
The front door opens, and male voices travel all the way to the kitchen table. Footsteps move closer. My spine is rod straight, and I flinch when a large warm hand touches my shoulder.
“The doctor is here to assess you.” Lucca’s voice doesn’t give anything away. I glance at him, and he removes his hand from my shoulder.
I’m in a trance as I follow Lucca to a room where a man in his sixties waits for me. I’m pausing at the door.
“Don’t be nervous. It won’t hurt.” His smile curls back over his white false teeth. I take another look at Lucca, but he isn’t watching me.
I don’t know what I’m waiting for. The sky to fall around my feet? Or for Lucca to tell the doctor that this isn’t necessary? Neither happens. Instead, the door closes behind me, and when I turn around, I’m alone with the doctor. The bastard left me.
“Why don’t you lie down.”
I turn back to the doctor, who’s bent over his bag, taking out instruments to check for my innocence.
I move to the bed, wondering why I’m going along with this. I lie down.
He turns to me as he puts gloves on. His lips curl across his pearly whites again. “Don’t be nervous.”
My heart is ready to come out of my chest as I tug up my long skirt as he instructs.
“You’ll have to remove your underwear also.”
I don’t know why this feels more humiliating than it ever has. We get checked regularly, so this shouldn’t bother me, but it does.
“Evie.” The doctor’s voice has me unclenching my fists and pushing my panties down my legs. After slipping them off, I hold them as I lie back. My legs are spread, and he gives me one final smile, which is meant to be encouraging.
I close my eyes, and I’m ready to laugh when I hear his small “Oh.”
The cold instrument has me stiffening. It’s always been uncomfortable, but the pain from last night resurfaces, and my eyes snap open.
It takes me a moment, and I even tilt my head.
“Oh,” the doctor repeats. “You’re not a virgin.” His words should shake me to the core, but I can’t look away from Lucca as he steps right up behind the doctor, who’s oblivious to him.
I’m ready to scream when Lucca’s gaze clashes with mine, and at the same time, he runs the blade across the doctor’s throat. Blood sprays from the doctor’s throat and pours down the front of his shirt.
A siren blares, and the sound morphs into sobs that I realize are coming from me.