I began to feel dazed and numb from the medication. I had been there before. It was the same pattern. It would work for a while, everything back on track, then once it had deep rooted itself in my brain, it started fanning out and creating a dullness, a fog. Slowly taking over my mind and spirit. If only I could control my screaming, then I would be able to come off the meds. Mum and dad wouldn’t have to know. But Reed would. He agreed that I should be medicated. Well, at least for the time being. Surely he would notice the change in me. I wonder if he had noticed the effects that the medication had already began forming in me? Or had a new paranoia manifested itself? I heard laughter down stairs. I headed down, noticing that the creak in the step had ceased.
“Hey, babe. You managed to fix the stairs alright?”
Reed turned to face me. He was stunning, but his face showed a little distance.
“Yeah, no worries at all. There was a whole heap of boxes that you guys still haven’t unpacked. One of them was pressing up against the step. It just needed a few nails hammered into it.”
“Oh.”
“Yes, yet another thing your father didn’t get around to doing,” Mum said.
“Fair go, Mum. It’s not like he had that much time,” I replied.
“Well, it only took Reed here, what? Twenty minutes?” Mum said, placing her hand over Reed’s.
“Yeah, if that. But then again, Louise, I did have all the tools at hand. Thom’s been a great help with the painting, but he’s not really a handy man is he?” Reed laughed along with mum.
“Because he is always at work.” I stated. “Which reminds me. Thought you had a busy week.” I added to Reed.
“Yes, babe.” He began, finally giving me all his attention. “You were going to call me after the Maria Island trip.” Damn! I did say that. I completely forgot.
“Sorry. I got a little side tracked.” I said, leaning into him.
“With that other boy? Lucas.” Mum piped. Reed pulled back from me.
“Lucas? What were you doing with Lucas?”
“Oh, it’s not like that. I ran into him at the cafe and he showed me through Landscape. That’s all.” I felt his grip ease, slightly.
“Right. Well, anyway, I’ve got to travel a bit up North for work. You got any plans today? Feel like a drive? It’s only about half hour up the road, a little town called Swansea. You can easily fill a day in there.”
“You know what? I think I will pass. I have some work to do, too.”
Reed annoyed me. Mum annoyed me. Everyone thought they knew what was right for me. Even dad with his insistence on the medication. Haylie always looked out for me. She knew what was right. The times growing up when we had got ourselves into bad situations, she still managed to help me find the right path out. Is all hope lost now with the death of Haylie? Hope. The key. The medication obliterates the dreams, but I can’t help feeling like it’s also severing my connection to my sister. I miss seeing her at night, even if it is traumatic. They made her death appear less real. I guess that is the whole point, though. Facing up to her suicide and forcing me to live without her guidance. Yet, I still don’t understand how a foggy brain will allow me to do so. Reed had set up a meeting with one of his dad’s former management team. It was still over a week away and in reality, I had all the free time available and now that I lived in one of the most beautiful places in the world, well, what I’ve seen of the world anyway, all the inspiration at my disposal, yet, I could only feel the haze clogging my visions of interpretations. It’s true, I had a lot of work to do, to get organised, but my lack of focus and foresight was something I had never experienced before. Washed up artist by the age of 19—Ha! If only my high school friends could see me now.
Fresh air. That’s what I decided I need. Fresh, crystal clear Tasmanian air. Perhaps it will also clear my mind. Looking out my bedroom window, I knew I would need a jacket. The clouds hovering in the sky were moving quickly. Every now and again, the sun would shine through, offering glimpses of hope. But I knew better. The force in which the clouds were moving proved that the bad weather was indeed on its way. I opened my wardrobe door and my hand gravitated toward Haylie’s leather jacket. It still smelt like her. Taking it from the hanger, I scrunched it up to my nose, breathing her in.
“Please never lose that scent. I love you so much, Haylie.” I slipped my arms through the sleeves and let her hug me.
Where was I going? Somewhere. Nowhere in particular, just anywhere but here. Anywhere away from here. I’m beginning to feel the restraints from life. I wonder if that’s how Haylie felt. Wishing that she could just leave and be her own person. Be the adult that she was growing into. Not having to answer to anyone other than herself. She never opened up to me if she did feel that way. Why didn’t you trust me Haylie? Maybe I could’ve stopped you. Maybe she was trying to get away from me, too. I grabbed my backpack on the way out. I knew my camera was upstairs. I took it apart last night to clean it. Wood fires are beautiful and efficient, but my God, they are dusty! I could see the build up of dust and soot on my lenses. I made a mental note then and there to never take my constant companion anywhere near the burning embers of our family fireplace. So it will be a day of sketches today. At least I hope it will be. Creativity is a strange thing. I have days when it just oozes and flows out of me so naturally and instinctively and other days that no matter how inspired I might be, it just doesn’t want to co-operate. I hate those days. Mrs. Bosworth’s number one rule from day one of my High School art education was to ‘Paint, draw, create all the time. Give yourself permission for it to be bad at times, for it is then that the truly wondrous material will spring to life.’ I’m not quite sure that motto applied to the students who only picked art as a subject because all else that was on offer for that period was chemistry or modern history. Apparently, art was a bludge subject. Perhaps it was for them in grade three, but Mrs. Bosworth was anything but a pushover. Tiny in structure, she made up for it with her bark, which was equally as bad as her bite. She had two kids permanently removed from her class in the first term and failing five more in the half year reports. She was a woman who took her art seriously. ‘Just start, Jayde. Introduce the pencil to its purpose. Some of the greatest inspiration was born from desperation’ I heard her voice wrangling its way into my brain. So I did as I was commanded.
I must have been sitting for hours. I looked up above me and the remnants of the day were disappearing—fast. I had been in a total trance. Under the palms of my hands were pages and pages of sketches. The first few were embarrassing scribbles, but then my blood began to pump. I could feel it thickening inside my veins, rushing, forcing itself up to my chest. It was pounding and thudding so hard, I swear I could see my heart leap from its cavity. Every page was Haylie. Every single one. All Haylie. Tears, heartache, anger, love and finally despair.
“What the fuck?” I jumped up. Tears began to swell in my eyes, too.
“What does this all mean Haylie?!” I screamed. I don’t even recall doing these pictures.
What is wrong with me? Tears welled in my eyes, making my vision blurred. I felt hot and cold at the same time and a vague popping sound twitched in my ears. I fell to the earth in defeat. “I don’t know what you want from me? I can’t do this anymore…” I sobbed. “Stop playing with my mind!” I screamed. I began shaking my head. “No more, no more, please…” I breathed in deeply to try and garner some energy. Tiny rocks lifting from my lips made their way into my mouth. I spat on the dirt next to where my body had lain motionless moments earlier. The ground had patches of wet where my sobs had resided. It was cold now, too. I collected my sketches, hoping to make sense of them at some stage, just not here and not now. I could hear the night creatures scuttering around preparing for the long night ahead of them. This was no longer a place for me to seek comfort or whatever it was that I was trying to achieve by being here. I felt completely out of my depth. Fumbling forward I saw something black slivering through the scrub. A feeling of cold rushed through my body. With my eyes firmly placed on the creature, I retreated. I took a long stride back, followed by another, still eyes focused on the local habitant. Slowly at first, then I picked up my pace. Taking another step back, I realised that perhaps I had gone too far because I became snagged on a branch from a tree behind me. Ah, the perfect prey position! I quietly, but firmly tugged on my sister’s jacket. I knew straight away that I had torn it. I made my way home as quickly as possible. It was after dusk when I stumbled through my front door, dazed and confused. Absent mindless as I plumped myself down on my bed. I was still sitting there when Reed’s car headlights shone dancing images through my window. I don’t know how long I had been sitting there, completely still, if it not for the rise and fall of my chest. I didn’t hear his ute coming up the driveway, I just saw the projections on the wall.
“Hey baby girl.” He greeted me fondly. Snapping me from out of my trance-like state. “Oh, it’s so good to see you.” I swung my arms around him tightly.
“You ok? What’s wrong? You look upset.”
“I just had a really bad day. Look,” I motioned toward the torn jacket that was hanging over my desk stool. “It was Haylie’s. Look at it.” I said to Reed, but I couldn’t.
“It’s ok. We can get it fixed. It will be as good as new. What happened to it? How did it get torn?”
“I was working in the bush and it g-”
“The girl who hates insects and all the creepy crawlies that live in the bush, went into the bush?” He mocked.
“Well, yes. It’s just so motivational in there, but I certainly won’t be heading back in a hurry. Anyway, it got late, I got sidetracked and then the natives began to rear their heads and I got spooked and ran into a tree.”
“Ahh, hence the rip in Haylie’s jacket,” he nodded. “Next time try and be a little more careful, hey?”
“There won’t be a next time, Reed. No more bush walks, no more camping trips, nothing.”
“Well, that is disappointing, considering…”
“Considering what?” I asked intrigued.
“I have something planned for the weekend, for us. It’s not camping, but it’s not exactly 5 star either. Remember how I told you about the winery up the road, Kelvedon? I actually pass it every day this week, so I popped in on my way home this arvo and booked you and me in for the weekend.”
A smile began forming on my face. “Just you and me? No mates?”
“Just you and me. It was meant to be a surprise…”
“Surprise! I love it! I can’t wait. Just you and me?”
“Just me and you.” Reed corrected with his cheeky grin. I pulled him over to me, lying him down on my bed. Rolling onto him, I began kissing him with excitement for our upcoming date. He retaliated with just as much enthusiasm. I could feel his erection growing as my hips began to rock slowly against him. His breath became hotter and his chest started rising and falling rapidly in pleasurable anticipation. Instinctively, my legs parted and found their new home on either side of Reeds body. He took his shirt off and reached for mine, fondling my breasts on the way back down, freeing them from my lace turquoise bra. Reed gently squeezed my nipples between his fingers and slowly kissed them. Flicking them with his tongue. It drove me crazy. He spun me over and we both tore at our jeans. Finding my way back, in this blissful moment, I opened up to him and let him glide himself inside me. His tongue prodded my mouth just as urgently as my hips thrust on him. I can’t believe I have this amazing, gorgeous man as my lover let-a-lone the fact that I am having sex with him in my parent’s house without a care in the world. Little groans escaped both of our mouths as we became one. Opening my eyes just before I was about to climax, I saw that Reed had a look of horror and embarrassment over his face. I knew what it meant and I didn’t give a damn. I heard the click of the handle close as I shuddered and yelped in ecstasy. Reed cuddled me all night. Opening my eyes to him in the morning bought new exhilaration to the day.
“What time is it?” I croaked.
“Shush. It’s early. It’s too early. Go back to sleep. I want desperately to avoid your mother this morning,” He whispered. I giggled. “Shush, you’ll wake her.” He looked horrified. I laughed louder. “You’re not afraid of my mother, are you?”
“Normally, it’s the fathers that guys have issues with, but there’s something about your mum that makes me uneasy.” He laughed nervously.
“Is it the fact that she is completely anal or the fact that she caught us having sex last night?”
“In her house. Please don’t forget that major fact. Now go back to sleep, I’m outta here. Call you later, baby girl.” He said kissing my forehead.
* * *
I drifted back to sleep. My eyelids shut, my body lay still. It was a peaceful state. I felt eyes beginning to twitch. I knew a dream was coming…We were twelve years old. Running along the hot sand, our hands intertwined. Racing each other and ourselves to reach the crystal cool of the Pacific Ocean. Relief is only a stone’s throw away, both dancing like fish hooked on a line. Haylie turned to me and screamed excitedly. “My feet are on fire!” It was the middle of the Summer school holidays and temperatures had soared up to 38 degrees. This was the third day in a row and we really needed the respite our local beach could provide. Swinging our arms back and forth, we jumped into the tepid seas. Sea water gushed up our legs and soothed the burn on the soles of our feet. We starting losing our balance once the wave began to make its forceful descent. Laughing hard, it was not long until we were both landed face first. I turned to Haylie.
“This is so good.” But, Haylie didn’t acknowledge me. My laughter slowed. “Haylie?”
“Haylie?” I demanded, spinning her around.
“Work it out little sis. Be strong. Become you.” We weren’t twelve anymore. I awoke instantly. The house was cast with a pink glow. Early morning.
“Oh, I’m so sorry honey. I didn’t wake you did I? I was trying to be so quiet. You looked so peaceful sleeping. I wanted to get an early start on the washing.” Mum said gliding around my bedroom.
“Forecast is for late rain, so I just thought it would be a good idea….” But I wasn’t listening. I just dreamt of Haylie. I didn’t scream. And she spoke to me! Tears started piercing my eyes.
“You looked just like you did when you were a baby. I-Oh Jayde! Whatever is the matter?”
I quickly wiped the tears before they started a downpour.
“That boy didn’t hurt you did he?”
“No Mum, of course not. And he’s a man, not a boy.”
“Well, why are you sad?”
“I’m not sad, Mum. Just the opposite, actually. I’m happy. I’m really happy.”
She had no idea that I had dreamt of Haylie. She was completely oblivious to the fact. Somehow, I don’t know how, but somehow, I didn’t scream. I didn’t thrash around in my bed. I didn’t wake in a pool of sweat. I just had a dream about Haylie and no one knows about it except for me.
* * *
“You do know your father is coming back on Sunday.” Mum called from the patio of our little home as I threw the last bag into Reed’s ute. She looked old and fragile standing there on her own.
“Yeah, I know, Mum. It’s not an issue.” I called back.
“I promise I will return her back in time, Louise.” Reed added, dazzling Mum with his smile. I think she blushed.
“Of course, Reed.” She smiled.
“Get in the car.” I punched his leg.
“Hey, after the other night babe, I really need to work over time on your parent’s approval.”
“Oh, please, she already loves you. Any money she’s talking about your hot body to all her bowls’ friends!” I laughed.
“I certainly hope not, I’ve known all those ladies since I was a baby. I can’t believe you’re being so relaxed about all of this. What’s going to happen when your dad gets home?” He asked as we drove out of my driveway.
“What do you mean? Mum shouldn’t have been spying on us anyway. It’s weird. Besides, I am an adult in an adult relationship.”
“Yes you are…you’re just in your parent’s house still.” He laughed.
“Shut up! You’re on my side here!” I smiled. “Besides, I’m not going to stay there forever. I have enough money to put down on my own place. It’s just figuring out where I want to be.” I said, gazing out the window. Right now, I would love to be asleep. The dream I had on Wednesday morning was followed by another one yesterday. Not at night, but when I had an afternoon sleep. It was a different dream, another memory of our childhood, but it ended with the same caution from her. ‘Work it out little sis. Be strong. Become you.’ But I haven’t worked it out. I haven’t worked anything out.
“You could always move in with me.” Reed said softly.
“Huh?” He had interrupted another attempt at deciphering my deceased sister’s riddles.
“With me. You could move in with me. God knows I have enough room.”
“Oh,” I said. “Really?” I should be more excited, or at least pretend to be more excited, but the truth was, I was just so distracted by Haylie. What does she mean? And what do the sketches I did in the bush on Tuesday mean?
“Or maybe not.” Reed laughed nervously.
“I’m sorry babe. It’s a beautiful offer, but I’m not sure that would be entirely fair on Mum just yet. Dad’s away for work so much. She gets really lonely without him. That’s all.”
“The offer’s there anyway. I think we both know where this relationship is going. I adore spending my time with you, Jayde.”
“Moving in together is a huge commitment, though Reed.”
“I think we’re committed already. We both know how short life can be. I wouldn’t be with you Jayde if I didn’t think we had a future. I don’t want to waste time. I don’t want to waste another day without you in my life.”
“Wow. How am I supposed to reply to that?” I was in awe of this beautiful man. Inside I was jumping for joy. He wants to live with me. Not any of the other girls around, but me.
“Easy…just say that you’ll think about it.”
I put my hand on his thigh. Yes, Reed. I will think about it. If it wasn’t for Haylie, it’s all I would think about.
Kelvedon was about 25 minutes up the road. I didn’t mind the drive. It was spectacular scenery. Stretches of untouched coastal land. Waves lapping along the shorelines of, basically farm land. There were hardly any dwellings to be seen. It was amazing. If Tasmania’s East Coast had temperatures 10 degrees warmer year round, these generation farmers would be sitting on an absolute goldmine. But I’m guessing that’s just the way they like it.
“I have seen this coastline for all of my life and you know what? You never tire of it. It’s just so beautiful.” He was so beautiful. I could never tire of Reed’s face.
“You happy?” He asked as we turned into the caramel dirt road of Kelvedon.
“Very.” I said, leaning over to kiss him.
“I’ll just check in, then we can go for a walk along the beach, if you’d like?”
“Sure, sounds great. Do you mind if I freshen up a bit first?”
“Of course not babe. That will give me a chance to unload the ute, anyway.”
Reed put the brass key into the door and turned it slowly. Opening the door, I could smell my favourite scent of gardenias. It was only a tiny room, so it wafted throughout.
“It’s not 5 stars…” He trailed.
“Don’t be silly! It’s perfect.” I said. It may not have been extravagant, but it was very tastefully styled. The colours were warm and rustic and I instantly felt at ease. The bathroom had a double bath, big enough and deep enough for the two of us.
“We could make use of that later on tonight.” He chirped behind my back, as he placed down our bags near the wardrobe.
“Why wait until tonight Reed?” I said, sashaying over to him. I dipped my face and began to nuzzle into his chest. My hand reached for his manhood and started stroking and pulling him through his jeans. He responded by grabbing my hair and pushing my head deeper into his body. I could feel him lifting me up. My body slamming into the wall, I was trapped between it and Reed’s. I started aching with desire. We didn’t have time to take our clothes off, only those necessary for us to give into our sexual demands. For obvious reasons, we didn’t make the walk along the beach. It will still be there tomorrow though and so will we.
We had dinner in the barn. It had been decked out for romantic dining. Candles burned softly all around. Masses of wine barrels provided different levels for the wax pillars of light. We were seated casually on bean bags, tasting the five course degustation that was on offer.
“Drink, babe? It’s non-alcoholic. I made sure they had some on standby.”
“You have everything planned, hey?” I smiled.
“Not quite. I didn’t plan on being ambushed as soon as we were alone in the room,” he chuckled. “Not complaining though!”
“No, you didn’t seem to have any complaints at the time.” I laughed. I could feel myself blush. I don’t know what came over me in the room. I have never been so brash.
“No problems at all, I really enjoyed it. I like you, Jayde. A lot. You surprise me all the time. You make me smile.” Wow. Breathe.
“I like you too, Reed. I haven’t had much to be happy about these days, but you have bought new hope for me.”
“Me too. I think I need you just as much as you need me.” He said quietly. His sadness was still evident. I’ve been so wrapped up in myself and Haylie’s death, that I have been neglecting his ongoing mourning process. Coming into his life with such a recent death must surely resurface his own emotional scars.
“Me and you?” He said.
“You and me.” I smiled.
“100%.”
* * *
I woke up the next morning alone. A smile spread quickly across my face. Reed. He made me so happy. Last night was so romantic. The setting was perfect. He is perfect. I pulled the bed covers up and let them engulf me while I drifted back to sleep.
I heard him come in, actually, more like smelt him come in. There was that familiar bacon and eggs aroma making its way to my now salivating mouth. Just a little bit longer. Please?
“Good morning.” He whispered softly. Not now, just five more minutes.
“It’s time to get up. Breakfast,” he sang. I secretly rolled my eyes in defeat. “You ok?”
“Sure. Wow, bacon and eggs.” I feigned enthusiasm. It’s not that I’m not grateful or hungry for that matter, I am, both, my stomach is grumbling rather loudly and Reed obviously dragged himself out our nice warm bed at the crack of dawn to arrange this. It’s just that I needed a few more moments with her. Just a few. I want my sister back.
“Are you sure? Did you have a good sleep?”
“Great, thanks to you! I was exhausted by the end of the night.” I blushed. He gently wiped my hair from my face.
“Baby, you don’t have to be embarrassed around me. I think you’re amazing, Jayde.”
“I’m just not used to all of this.” I explained.
“What on earth?” Obviously I didn’t explain well.
“Guys, never really. Well I just never had a real relationship. I’m not used to the affection and compliments. That was always reserved for Haylie.”
“But you were twins! You looked the same.”
“Maybe it was her personality. She had a lot more confidence than me.”
“Oh, Jayde. If only you realised how beautiful you are. And I’m talking about your personality. You will wake up to it one day. But I guess in the meantime, I will just have to stick around to tell you so every day, so best thing for you to do is to get used to my affection and compliments,” he smiled, handing me my knife and fork. “Tuck in, someone pulled some strings up in heaven for us today. It’s supreme out there.”
Stepping out into the mid morning light, I breathed in the salty air. The sun shone down from above and kissed my cheek. All that was separating our little love nest in which we stayed last night and this magical beach was a dense green foliage wall. In the middle of that was a sandy, rugged pathway that had been forged by curious guests. It led directly down to the fine granules of the secluded beach. And I mean secluded. On a flawless day like this, the only other living thing around was a lonesome seagull flying high above the water. Within moments of our arrival he began to fade, flapping his wings hard to take him further out into the depths. Always camera ready, I managed a few shots of him before he disappeared completely into that fine line where the ocean meets the sky.
“What are you thinking?”
“That it’s gorgeous. This beach is beautiful, the sun is out, I’m here with you and no one else is around.” I squealed.
“And no one is likely to come either. The only access to the beach is from our cabin.” He said smugly.
“Are you serious?”
“Pretty cool, hey?” Reed laid out a picnic rug and patted a spot next to him. “How you going with everything?”
“You mean the meds? All good. They make me a little hazy at times, like I’m not really awake, a bit foggy, but I guess they’re doing their intended purpose.”
“Sleepy?” He asked.
“Yeah, come to think of it, I have been sleeping a bit more than usual.”
“But the nightmares have stopped?”
“The nightmares? Yes. The nightmares have stopped.” I nodded. But the dreams have just begun…
* * *
“Do we have to go?” I whined midday on Sunday as Reed packed the car.
“Oh, babe, I wish we didn’t have to, either. You had a good time?”
“I had a great time.” I pouted.
“Then why the long face?” He said, cupping my chin.
“Because I really like being with you.” He wrapped his arms around the small of my back, drawing me into him.
“Well, that works out pretty well, because I like being with you, too.” He said kissing me passionately.
The drive home was far too quick. Why is that? When you’re excited to go somewhere, it seems to take ages, but on the return trip, it flies. Driving into our driveway, I noticed a familiar car, but it was neither Mum’s nor Dad’s. “Grace.” I said excited. I am busting to tell her about my weekend, even if she doesn’t care much for Reed. She was still my friend and she did manage to keep her disapproval hidden. Well, most of the time. I jumped out of Reed’s car. “Grace!”
“Hi babe,” she said, hopping off the swinging chair and stepping down from the porch.
“Reed.”
“I’ll check in with you after baby girl.” Reed called.
“Oh, ok. You wanna stay for a coffee?”
“Three’s a crowd.” He winked at me.
“Baby girl? What is with that?” Grace scoffed after Reed had returned to his ute. “Shush.” I linked my arm through hers.
“It’s his affectionate name for me,” I said, lumbering my way over to the swinging chair. Grace pretended to gag. I giggled. “It does kind of suck because that’s Dad’s nickname for me, too.” I revealed.
“Nooo that’s so wrong!” She laughed. “On so many levels, but I guess you’re lucky to have a boyfriend, though. Weird arse nicknames and all. Truth is I guess I’m just a bit jealous.”
“Still nothing happening with Lucas?”
“Nope. Nothing. What’s worse is that Ads asked me out last night. So if Lucas felt anything for me, well, him and Ads are tight as, so he would know for sure, which just proves to me that Lucas doesn’t feel the same way about me as I feel about him.”
“Oh, honey, no. I think he’s too shy to let you know how he feels, that’s all.”
“Lucas Smith is not shy, remember he pinched your arse the first time he met you.” She laughed.
“No, you’re right there. But maybe you’re different. He doesn’t know how to act around you because you actually mean something to him? Know what I mean?”
“No. Not at all. But I love your optimism,” she smiled. “So, weekend away with Romeo, hey?” She pretended to care. Oh, damn you Lucas! Was it wrong of me to be excited about my love life when my friend’s is non existent?
“Hey, don’t let me rain on your parade. Please, gloat all you want, just try and refrain from using the name Reed too much. I’ll pretend it’s someone else that way.” Grace flashed me her model perfect smile. “Go on, tell me all.” She added genuinely.
We were still on the porch when mum drove down the drive way, followed closely by dad. Dad! I hadn’t forgotten he was coming home, I just got side tracked with the events of the weekend. Grace’s and mine.
“Hey, I should go.” Grace said. Dad cut the engine and hopped from the driver’s side, smile in place.
“No, no it’s ok. Stay.”
“Hi Grace. Nice to see you,” he called. “Baby girl.” He added, with arms open. I heard Grace giggle from behind as I made my decent to Dad’s arms. There was something so comforting about my Dad’s bear cuddles, especially the ones he gave when returning from a fly-in-fly-out stint. It was like anything bad that had happened in the last three weeks, didn’t matter. He came home to make it all okay. His protective embrace washed away any act. Oh! Any act? I wonder if mum has told him I had sex with Reed in my bedroom. I began to feel a familiar heat race to my face.
“So…you had a weekend away with a boy?” Dad interrogated. Bring on the flush.
“He’s hardly a boy, Dad. And I’m not a little girl, either.” I said gently.
“Well, I suppose you’re right.” He said.
“Thom? Really? I don’t think it’s appropriate.” Mum said coming up from behind.
“You don’t like him much do you, Grace?” Oh, come on!
“Hi, Louise. To be fair, Reed and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things,” Grace began. I could feel my mother’s eyes burning through the back of my skull. Her rigid, thin lips forming upward peaks in the corners.
“However, I do have to say that Reed Harper would have to be the most honest and honourable man around here.” There was a fondness in Grace’s eyes. I could tell she meant it, even though it must have been hard for her to admit that about him, let alone say it out loud.
“Where was his honour when he broke your heart?” Mum snarled.
“With his dying father.” Grace snapped back.
“Mum, you were all over Reed when Dad was working. ‘Oh, Reed, can you fix this? Oh, Reed, you’re so good, Thom could never have done that.’ Don’t start an anti Reed campaign now Dad’s back.” I laughed. I grabbed Grace’s arm and headed for the front door, turning back to see my parents staring face to face. Mum looked like she was about to melt in defeat at the inescapable glare that was transmitting from my father’s face. My never angry, almost passive father was standing on our porch looking straight at my mother with as much ferocity garnered to create a storm.
“Grab my iPod from my bag can you?” I asked Grace as I began sorting through my dirty clothes from the weekend. I could hear Mum and Dad arguing down stairs, their voices were muffled.
“It’s ok. My pares fight all the time.” Grace said rummaging through my bag.
“That’s just it, though. My parents don’t fight. Usually it’s Mum upset about something and Dad just gives in, to save a fight. He never questions her. It’s weird.”
“Don’t read into it too much. They probably both want sex. It’s been three weeks. There’s bound to be lots of pent up frustration there.” She laughed.
“Oh, please. Don’t go there!”
“Hey, what’s this?”
“Huh?” I asked, turning to see what she was talking about.
“Anxiety, depression and your medication.” Grace was holding up a leaflet that she had retrieved from my bag, along with my iPod.
“Oh, I’m not sure. I think I might’ve thrown it in there that day I fell over in the chemist. Dig deeper and there’s probably one in there on denture care. It’s nothing, really.”
“It says in here that some side effects of being medicated for depression are drowsiness, visions, paranoia, disorientation-wow, there’s a whole list of negative side effects. You would think that maybe the anxiety and depression would be better than dealing with these issues.”
I stared at Grace with disbelief.
“Serious? Wasn’t Lucas’s brother depressed? Didn’t he commit suicide?”
“Whoa. That’s my point. Brendan was medicated. It was such a long road for the Smiths for a really long time. They were into natural therapies, yoga, reiki. They even took him to one of those burn out things where you sit in a teepee with coals and fire until you all but pass out. It’s meant to ward off all evil. Well, anyway, it was slowly coming together, but Brendan’s specialist insisted on scientific medicine. Reluctantly, they did agree. One month later…”
“No.” Grace nodded. “Ask Lucas.”
“I can’t just ask him that.” I blinked furiously.
“Jayde. If you’re being medicated…He might have some inside info on it. He does have firsthand experience. Just talk to him. It can’t hurt.”
* * *
‘She’s nice.’ I heard her whisper. ‘Your friend, Grace. I like her.’ Haylie.
“What about voices?” I croaked in the morning.
“What are you talking about?” Grace asked, rolling over from her side of the bed. We stayed up late talking and listening to music. I was grateful for the company and the distraction. I don’t think I have ever heard my parents argue before and I know I have never seen my father in an aggressive way before. It’s not even that he was being aggressive, just very commanding. Either way, it left me feeling unnerved. I don’t know what happened when he was away or why he looked at Mum like that, but it left me feeling sorry for her. 99% of the time she is a pain in my side. But, she is my Mum and I do love her and to see her submissive and cowardly deeply saddened me. Dad was technically not due back for a few more days, but he said he got permission from his CEO to leave early. He explained to him that it was because he didn’t feel comfortable leaving his family so soon after arriving in Tasmania. I personally didn’t buy it. Of course he was still worried about me. Worried about mum. Were things going to turn out ok for us here? Had he made the right choices for his remaining family? Who knows? I don’t think it’s something anyone can answer right now. But I guess he figured it would be better to ponder over here with us, rather than in an underground mine with three hundred or so men. There was an awkwardness following him around. My dad is not the graceful athletic type (I guess that’s where I get my genes from) but since returning from work, he seems unsettled. Perhaps it’s just because he’s out of his routine and out of his comfort zone. In the 25 years he’s been working for the company, with Haylie’s death as the only exception, he hasn’t taken any time off. No extra days or early marks. Even his honeymoon was his standard ten days off. Maybe he just needs to find his feet again. God knows I need to.
Reed had set up a meeting with his father’s former agents for me. It was the hardest, most nerve racking experience of my life. Other than facing the world without Haylie, that is. They were friendly and professional and absolutely loved my work, but it didn’t make the meeting any easier for me. Even after they offered me a two year contract, I still felt alone. I could see myself sitting in their purposely hired office for this occasion. Seers and Buckley were from Sydney and had flown down for a four day meet and greet with a handful of hopefuls. Myself included. There were mostly university students with a world of knowledge and a truckload of confidence. It was a little unnerving. Even though I was probably around the same age and if anything, I had more experience than they did, I just felt very nervous and very vulnerable.
The office was white, with floor to ceiling windows overlooking the Derwent River. The walls were white, the carpet, white and even the desk that they both perused my portfolio on, was white. The only hint of colour came from the blood red couch I sunk into. Red. Really? Of all the colours in the palette, they choose red, for a red head with a penchant for turning a brighter shade of that very same colour at the drop of a hat. So here I sat on Thursday afternoon, looking out the glaring windows, waiting for them to take a chance on my work. Shards of light broke its way through the ominous clouds, sending a bursting bright reflection bouncing off the infinite black hole. The little rays of hope breathed a new take on the Derwent River. Shimmering and dancing, like the stars had fallen on it. That image made me think of Lucas’s brother. His body washed up on the Eastern Shore three days after he had jumped to his death, but I wonder if his spirit still lingered in the cold waters, his issues with life still left unresolved.
I met with Grace for a coffee in Salamanca after the meeting. She had accepted a lunch date with Ads, albeit reluctantly.
“Oh, it was awful.” She said, sinking into a dark corner of the cafe.
“No. Come on. Couldn’t be that bad…”
“Jayde. All he did was talk about how many girls Lucas has chasing after him and all I did was talk about how much Lucas annoys me. My God! How old am I?! Ads saw straight through me. Poor thing. I think he is really attracted to me. I just hope he doesn’t go back and tell Lucas.”
“Well that’s just it though, Grace. Maybe someone should tell Lucas. Maybe you should tell Lucas.”
“Oh, Jayde. What’s the point? I’ve admired him from afar for so long now, not quite sure what I might do with him if he actually said yes. I’d probably kill him with exhaustion the first night!” We both laughed loudly in the mostly quiet surrounds.
“Hey, I’m meeting up with Andrea later, to catch a movie. You wanna come? It doesn’t start till 7pm.”
I screwed my nose up. I really don’t understand what Grace sees in Andrea. “Nah, not this time. Thanks anyway. I might make a move back up the coast. Reed will want to hear all about my meeting today.”
“She’s toned down a bit now. Andrea doesn’t have anything against you.”
“Grace, really? Do you really believe that? She tried to push me off a cliff. She’s completely mad.”
“Hmmm. Well, she certainly changed her attitude after that incident. It’s a good thing, too, because I like you and want to stay friends with the both of you.”
“I’m pleased, but I don’t get why you are friends with her in the first place. I think she’s a bully. If it’s all the same to you, I think I might keep my distance from her.”
* * *
It was pitch black when I made my ascent on our driveway. It still took a little getting used to having no street lights. Or other car head lights. Orford felt like a town on nocturnal lockdown. The only transport I passed on the last half of my journey home was three log trucks. They were powerful machines that rumbled past my little car. There must have been 30-40 trees piled high and on top of each other, all securely chained down. I noticed a figure sitting on the porch as I stepped from the car, allowing my eyes to focus in the dark.
“Hi sweetheart, how did it go?” It was Mum. Her voice sounded croaky and dry. “Yeah, good. What are you doing out here? It’s too cold.” I said, charging up the steps. I didn’t need to ask though. I could smell the intoxication from where I stood.
“Waiting for you! I want to hear all about your day.” She did her best attempt at a sober voice, just making it more obvious.
“Ok. But I have not yet acclimatised to this God forsaken weather, so do you mind if we talk about it over a hot chocolate and a roaring fire?” I said, looping my arm through hers. Mum fumbled trying to hide her wine glass, transferring most of her body weight onto mine. I did my best to hold us both up. It’s not that Mum is heavy, not at all, the complete opposite. She is tall, slender and lean. Years of the discipline acquired for ballet at an elite level never did dissipate from her mind. It’s just right now, in this moment, she let herself go.
“It’s alright, Mum.” I whispered. “I’ll catch you if you fall.”