IT IS impossible to present the basic conflict by simply showing it in operation in a number of individuals. Because of its disruptive power the neurotic builds a defensive structure around it which serves not only to blot it from view but so deeply imbeds it that it cannot be isolated in pure form. The result is that what appears on the surface is more the various attempts at solution than the conflict itself. A simple detailing of case histories, therefore, would not bring all its implications and nuances into full relief; the presentation would necessarily be too circumstantial and give too untransparent a picture.
Besides, the outlines sketched in the preceding chapter need still to be filled in. To understand all that is involved in the basic conflict we must start by studying each of the opposing elements separately. We can do this with some success if we observe the types of individuals in whom one or the other element has become predominant, and for whom it represents the more acceptable self. For the sake of simplicity I shall classify such types as the compliant, the aggressive, and the detached personality.1 We shall focus in each case on the person’s more acceptable attitude, leaving out in so far as possible the conflicts it conceals. In each of these types we shall find that the basic attitude toward others has created, or at least fostered, the growth of certain needs, qualities, sensitivities, inhibitions, anxieties, and, last but not least, a particular set of values.
This way of proceeding may have certain drawbacks, but it also has definite advantages. By examining first the functions and structure of a set of attitudes, reactions, beliefs, and so on in types where they are comparatively obvious, it will be easier to recognize similar combinations in cases where they appear in somewhat hazy and confused form. Furthermore, looking at the undiluted picture will serve to bring into relief the intrinsic incompatibility of the three attitudes. To come back to our analogy of democracy versus fascism: If we wanted to point out the essential difference between democratic and fascist ideologies, we would not start by presenting a person in whom a belief in certain democratic ideals was combined with a secret leaning toward fascist methods. We would rather try first to get a picture of the fascist mind from National Socialist writings and performance, and then proceed to compare these with the most representative expressions of a democratic way of life. This would give us a clear impression of the contrast between the two sets of beliefs, and so help us to understand persons and groups who have attempted to effect a compromise between them.
Group I, the compliant type, manifests all the traits that go with “moving toward” people. He shows a marked need for affection and approval and an especial need for a “partner”—that is, a friend, lover, husband or wife “who is to fulfill all expectations of life and take responsibility for good and evil, his successful manipulation becoming the predominant task.” 2 These needs have the characteristics common to all neurotic trends; that is, they are compulsive, indiscriminate, and generate anxiety or despondence when frustrated. They operate almost independently of the intrinsic worth of the “others” in question, as well as of the person’s real feeling toward them. However these needs may vary in their expression, they all center around a desire for human intimacy, a desire for “belonging.” Because of the indiscriminate nature of his needs, the compliant type will be prone to overrate his congeniality and the interests he has in common with those around him and disregard the separating factors.3 His misjudging of people this way is not due to ignorance, stupidity, or the inability to observe, but is determined by his compulsive needs. He feels—as illustrated by a patient’s drawing—like a baby surrounded by strange and threatening animals. There she stood, tiny and helpless, in the middle of the picture, around her a huge bee ready to sting her, a dog that could bite her, a cat that could jump at her, a bull that could gore her. Obviously, then, the real nature of other beings does not matter, except in so far as the more aggressive ones, being the more frightening, are the ones whose “affection” is the most necessary. In sum, this type needs to be liked, wanted, desired, loved; to feel accepted, welcomed, approved of, appreciated; to be needed, to be of importance to others, especially to one particular person; to be helped, protected, taken care of, guided.
When in the course of analysis the compulsive character of these needs is pointed out to a patient, he will be likely to assert that all these desires are quite “natural” And, of course, here he is on defensible ground. Except for persons whose whole being has become so warped by sadistic trends (to be discussed later on) that the desire for affection is choked beyond all possibility of functioning, it is safe to assume that everyone does want to feel liked, to belong, to be helped, and so on. Where the patient errs is in claiming that all his frantic beating about for affection and approval is genuine, while in reality the genuine portion is heavily overshadowed by his insatiable urge to feel safe.
The need to satisfy this urge is so compelling that everything he does is oriented toward its fulfillment. In the process he develops certain qualities and attitudes that mold his character. Some of these could be called endearing: he becomes sensitive to the needs of others —within the frame of what he is able to understand emotionally. For example, though he is likely to be quite oblivious to a detached person’s wish to be aloof, he will be alert to another’s need for sympathy, help, approval, and so on. He tries automatically to live up to the expectations of others, or to what he believes to be their expectations, often to the extent of losing sight of his own feelings. He becomes “unselfish,” self-sacrificing, undemanding—except for his unbounded desire for affection. He becomes compliant, overconsiderate— within the limits possible for him—overappreciative, overgrateful, generous. He blinds himself to the fact that in his heart of hearts he does not care much for others and tends to regard them as hypocritical and self-seeking. But—if I may use conscious terms for what goes on unconsciously—he persuades himself that he likes everyone, that they are all “nice” and trustworthy, a fallacy which not only makes for heartbreaking disappointments but adds to his general insecurity.
These qualities are not as valuable as they appear to the person himself, particularly since he does not consult his own feelings or judgment but gives blindly to others all that he is driven to want from them—and because he is profoundly disturbed if the returns fail to materialize.
Along with these attributes and overlapping them goes another lot, aimed at avoiding black looks, quarrels, competition. He tends to subordinate himself, takes second place, leaving the limelight to others; he will be appeasing, conciliatory, and—at least consciously —bears no grudge. Any wish for vengeance or triumph is so profoundly repressed that he himself often wonders at his being so easily reconciled and at his never harboring resentment for long. Important in this context is his tendency automatically to shoulder blame. Again quite regardless of his real feelings—that is, whether he really feels guilty or not—he will accuse himself rather than others and tend to scrutinize himself or be apologetic in the face of obviously unwarranted criticism or anticipated attack.
There is an imperceptible transition from these attitudes to definite inhibitions. Because any kind of aggressive behavior is taboo, we find here inhibitions in regard to being assertive, critical, demanding, giving orders, making an impression, striving for ambitious goals. Also, because his life is altogether oriented toward others, his inhibitions often prevent him from doing things for himself or enjoying things by himself. This may reach a point where any experience not shared with someone—whether a meal, a show, music, nature—becomes meaningless. Needless to say, such a rigid restriction on enjoyment not only impoverishes life but makes dependence on others all the greater.
Apart from his idealization4 of the qualities just named, this type has certain characteristic attitudes toward himself. One is the pervasive feeling that he is weak and helpless—a “poor little me” feeling. When left to his own resources he feels lost, like a boat loosed from its moorings, or like Cinderella bereft of her fairy godmother. This helplessness is in part real; certainly the feeling that under no circumstances could one possibly fight or compete does promote actual weakness. Besides, he frankly admits his helplessness to himself and others. It may be dramatically emphasized in dreams as well. He often resorts to it as a means of appeal or defense: “You must love me, protect me, forgive me, not desert me, because I am so weak and helpless.”
A second characteristic grows out of his tendency to subordinate himself. He takes it for granted that everyone is superior to him, that they are more attractive, more intelligent, better educated, more worth while than he. There is factual basis for this feeling in that his lack of assertiveness and firmness does impair his capacities; but even in fields where he is unquestionably able his feeling of inferiority leads him to credit the other fellow—regardless of his merit—with greater competence than his own. In the presence of aggressive or arrogant persons his sense of his own worthiness shrinks still more. However, even when alone his tendency is to undervalue not only his qualities, talents, and abilities but his material possessions as well.
A third typical feature is a part of his general dependence upon others. This is his unconscious tendency to rate himself by what others think of him. His self-esteem rises and falls with their approval or disapproval, their affection or lack of it. Hence any rejection is actually catastrophic for him. If someone fails to return an invitation he may be reasonable about it consciously, but in accordance with the logic of the particular inner world in which he lives, the barometer of his self-esteem drops to zero. In other words any criticism, rejection, or desertion is a terrifying danger, and he may make the most abject effort to win back the regard of the person who has thus threatened him. His offering of the other cheek is not occasioned by some mysterious “masochistic” drive but is the only logical thing he can do on the basis of his inner premises.
All of this contributes to his special set of values. Naturally, the values themselves are more or less lucid and confirmed according to his general maturity. They lie in the direction of goodness, sympathy, love, generosity, unselfishness, humility; while egotism, ambition, callousness, unscrupulousness, wielding of power are abhorred—though these attributes may at the same time be secretly admired because they represent “strength.”
These, then, are the elements involved in a neurotic “moving toward” people. It must be apparent now how inadequate it would be to describe them by any one term like submissive or dependent, for a whole way of thinking, feeling, acting—a whole way of life—is implicit in them.
I promised not to discuss the contradictory factors. But we will not fully understand how rigidly all the attitudes and beliefs are adhered to unless we are aware of the extent to which the repression of opposing trends reinforces the dominant ones. So we shall take a brief glance at the reverse side of the picture. When analyzing the compliant type we find a variety of aggressive tendencies strongly repressed. In decided contrast to the apparent oversolicitude, we come upon a callous lack of interest in others, attitudes of defiance, unconscious parasitic or exploiting tendencies, propensities to control and manipulate others, relentless needs to excel or to enjoy vindictive triumphs. Naturally the repressed drives vary in kind and intensity. In part they arise in response to early unfortunate experiences with others. A history will, for instance, frequently show temper tantrums up to the age of five or eight, disappearing then to give place to a general docility. But aggressive trends are also reinforced and fed by later experience, since hostility is continually generated from many sources. It would lead us too far afield to go into all of these at this point; suffice it to say here that self-effacement and “goodness” invite being stepped on and being taken advantage of; further, that dependence upon others makes for exceptional vulnerability, which in turn leads to a feeling of being neglected, rejected, and humiliated whenever the excessive amount of affection or approval demanded is not forthcoming.
When I say that all these feelings, drives, attitudes are “repressed” I use the term in Freud’s sense, meaning that the individual is not only unaware of them but has so implacable an interest in never becoming aware of them that he keeps anxious watch lest any traces be disclosed to himself or others. Every repression thus confronts us with the question: What interest has the individual in repressing certain forces operating within him? In the case of the compliant type we can find several answers. Most of them we can understand only later when we come to discuss the idealized image and sadistic trends. What we can already understand at this point is that feelings or expressions of hostility would endanger the person’s need to like others and to be liked by them. In addition, any kind of aggressive or even self-assertive behavior would appear to him as selfish. He would condemn it himself and hence would feel that others condemned it, too. And he cannot afford to risk such condemnation because his self-esteem is all too dependent upon their approval.
The repression of all assertive, vindictive, ambitious feelings and impulses has still another function. It is one of the many attempts a neurotic makes to do away with his conflicts and to create instead a feeling of unity, of oneness, of wholeness. The longing for unity within ourselves is no mystical desire but is prompted by the practical necessity of having to function in life—an impossibility when one is continually driven in opposite directions—and by what in consequence amounts to a supreme terror of being split apart. Giving predominance to one trend by submerging all discrepant elements is an unconscious attempt to organize the personality. It constitutes one of the major attempts to solve neurotic conflicts.
So we have already discovered a twofold interest in keeping a strict check on all aggressive impulses: the person’s whole way of life would be endangered and his artificial unity exploded. And the more destructive the aggressive trends, the more stringent the necessity to exclude them. The individual will lean over backward never to appear to want anything for himself, never to refuse a request, always to like everyone, always to keep in the background, and so on. In other words, the compliant, appeasing trends are reinforced; they become more compulsive and less discriminate.5
Naturally, all these unconscious efforts do not keep the repressed impulses from operating or asserting themselves. But they do so in ways that fit into the structure. The person will make demands “because he is so miserable” or will secretly dominate under the guise of “loving.” Accumulated repressed hostility may also appear in explosions of greater or less vehemence, ranging from occasional irritability to temper tantrums. These outbursts, while they do not fit into the picture of gentleness and mildness, appear to the individual himself as entirely justified. And according to his premises he is quite right. Not knowing that his demands upon others are excessive and egocentric, he cannot help feeling at times that he is so unfairly treated that he simply can’t stand it any longer. Finally, if the repressed hostility takes on the force of a blind fury, it may give rise to all kinds of functional disorders, like headaches or stomach ailments.
Most of the characteristics of the compliant type thus have a double motivation. When he subordinates himself, for instance, it is in the interest of avoiding friction and thereby achieving harmony with others; but it may also be a means of eradicating all traces of his need to excel. When he lets others take advantage of him it is an expression of compliance and “goodness,” but it may also be a turning away from his own wish to exploit. For neurotic compliance to be overcome, both sides of the conflict must be worked through, and in the proper order. From conservative psychoanalytic publications we sometimes get the impression that the “liberation of aggressions” is the essence of psychoanalytic therapy. Such an approach shows little understanding of the complexities and particularly of the variations in neurotic structures. Only for the particular type under discussion does it have any validity, and even here the validity is limited. The uncovering of aggressive drives is liberating, but it can easily be detrimental to the person’s development if the “liberation” is regarded as an end in itself. It must be followed by a working through of the conflicts, if the personality is ultimately to be integrated.
We need still to turn our attention to the role that love and sex play for the compliant type. Love often appears to him as the only goal worth striving for, worth living for. Life without love appears flat, futile, empty. To use a phrase Fritz Wittels has applied to compulsive pursuits,6 love becomes a phantom that is chased to the exclusion of everything else. People, nature, work, or any kind of amusement or interest become utterly meaningless unless there is some love relationship to lend them flavor and zest. The fact that under the conditions of our civilization this obsession is more frequent and more apparent in women than in men has given rise to the notion that it is a specifically feminine longing. Actually, it has nothing to do with femininity or masculinity but is a neurotic phenomenon in that it is an irrational compulsive drive.
If we understand the structure of the compliant type we can see why love is so all important to him, why there is “method in his madness.” In view of his contradictory compulsive tendencies, it is in fact the only way in which all his neurotic needs can be fulfilled. It promises to satisfy the need to be liked as well as to dominate (through love), the need to take second place as well as to excel (through the partner’s undivided regard). It permits him to live out all his aggressive drives on a justified, innocent, or even praiseworthy basis, while allowing him at the same time to express all the endearing qualities he has acquired. Furthermore, since he is unaware that his handicaps and his suffering issue from the conflicts within himself, love beckons as the sure cure for them all: if only he can find a person who loves him, everything will be all right. It is easy enough to say that this hope is fallacious, but we must also understand the logic of his more or less unconscious reasoning. He thinks: “I am weak and helpless; as long as I am alone in this hostile world, my helplessness is a danger and a threat. But if I find someone who loves me above all others, I shall no longer be in danger, for he (she) will protect me. With him I shouldn’t need to assert myself, for he would understand and give me what I want without my having to ask or explain. In fact, my weakness would be an asset, because he would love my helplessness and I could lean on his strength. The initiative which I simply can’t muster for myself would flourish if it meant doing things for him, or even doing things for myself because he wanted it.”
He thinks—again reconstructing in terms of formulated reasoning what is partly thought out, partly only a feeling, and partly quite unconscious: “It is torture for me to be alone. It’s not only that I can’t enjoy anything I do not share. It’s more than that; I feel lost, I feel anxious. Surely I could go to a movie alone or read a book on a Saturday night, but that would be humiliating because it would point out to me that nobody wants me. So I must plan carefully never to be alone on a Saturday evening—or at any other time, for that matter. But if I found the great lover, he would free me from this torture; I would never be alone; everything that is now meaningless, whether it’s preparing breakfast or working or seeing a sunset, would be a joy.”
And he thinks: “I have no self-confidence. I always feel everybody else is more competent, more attractive, more gifted than I am. Even the things I’ve managed to accomplish don’t count, because I can’t really credit myself with them. I may have been bluffing, or it may have been just a lucky break. I certainly can’t be sure that I could do it again. And if people really knew me, they’d have no use for me anyway. But if I found someone who loved me as I am and to whom I was of prime importance, I would be somebody.” No wonder, then, that love has all the lure of a mirage. No wonder that it should be clutched at in preference to the laborious process of changing from within.
Sexual intercourse as such—aside from its biological function—has the value of constituting proof of being wanted. The more the compliant type tends to be detached—that is, afraid of being emotionally involved—or the more he despairs of being loved, the more will mere sexuality be likely to substitute for love. It will then appear as the only road to human intimacy, and be overrated, as love is, for its power to solve everything.
If we are careful to avoid both extremes—that of regarding the patient’s overemphasis on love as “only natural,” and that of dismissing it as ‘‘neurotic’’—we shall see that the compliant type’s expectations in this direction come as a logical conclusion from his philosophy of life. As so often in neurotic phenomena—or is it always?—we find that the patient’s reasoning, conscious or unconscious, is flawless, but rests on false premises. The fallacious premises are that he mistakes his need for affection and all that goes with it for a genuine capacity to love, and that he completely leaves out of the equation his aggressive and even destructive trends. In other words he leaves out the whole neurotic conflict. What he expects is to do away with the harmful consequences of the unresolved conflicts without changing anything in the conflicts themselves—an attitude characteristic of every neurotic attempt at solution. That is why these attempts are inevitably doomed to failure. For love as a solution, one must say this, however. If the compliant type is fortunate enough to find a partner who has both strength and kindliness, or whose neurosis fits in with his own, his suffering may be considerably lessened and he may find a moderate amount of happiness. But as a rule, the relationship from which he expects heaven on earth only plunges him into deeper misery. He is all too likely to carry his conflicts into the relationship and thereby destroy it. Even the most favorable possibility can relieve only the actual distress; unless his conflicts are resolved his development will still be blocked.
1 The term “types” is used here merely as a simplification for persons with distinct characteristics. I definitely do not intend in this chapter or the two following to establish a new typology. A typology is certainly desirable but must be established on a much broader basis.
2 Quoted from Karen Horney, Self-Analysis, Kegan Paul, London
3 Cf. The Neurotic Personality of Our Time, op. cit., Chapters 2 and 5, dealing with the need for affection, and Self-Analysis, op. cit., Chapter 8, dealing with morbid dependence.
4 Cf. Chapter 6, The Idealized Image.
5 Cf. Chapter 12, Sadistic Trends.
6 Fritz Wittels, “Unconscious Phantoms in Neurotics,” Psychoanalytic Quarterly, Vol. VIII, Part 2, 1939.