The technology available to us today often creates some major challenges in building trust. If you have anything to hide, you cannot build trust. It’s that simple. There must be an absolute open-access policy in your life. That means your wife can at any time and for any reason access anything that would otherwise be considered private. This includes e-mail accounts, bank accounts, cell phones, wallets, safes, computers, iPads, computer files, glove boxes, junk drawers, gym lockers, toiletry bags, offices, storage units, and diaries or journals to name a few.
You name it, she must have access to it.
Shelley’s Thoughts
As we were restoring trust, there were many moments when I realized that Jason was becoming a completely different person.
One of those times was when I wanted to look for something in his wallet. Without hesitation, he told me to go ahead. He had nothing to hide. I couldn’t believe it! Really? Who was this man and where had he put my Jason?
So many times before disclosure, I would innocently look for something among Jason’s things, and he would become upset. Although I didn’t agree with his defensiveness, I chalked it up to his being an only child.
Take Away: Allowing nothing in your life to be private is one small but crucial part in regaining your wife’s trust.
For many guys, this feels like a total loss of privacy. News flash: it is! Privacy gets you into trouble and gets your wife’s heart stomped on. Besides, why should you care if your wife reviews your text messages, digs through your wallet, or reads your e-mails? If you have nothing to hide, you’ve got nothing to keep private, right?
I can almost guarantee that any pushback you feel about this emanates from a place of entitlement or fear. What do you have any right to be entitled to? And why? Why do you need privacy? What do you fear will happen if you lose your privacy? Why are you afraid to let your thoughts and actions be revealed in plain sight to your wife? If you want to rebuild trust, you’ll need to relinquish your right to privacy. There is simply no other way. Further, it actually helped me become more honest with myself. Living in such a way that anything in my life could be scrutinized deterred me from some old, unhealthy behaviors and also helped me develop some new, healthy ones. It’s amazing what accountability and transparency will do!
Remember, secrets equals setbacks.
One of the quickest and easiest tactics for trust building is installing an Internet filter and monitoring software on your computer and/or smartphone. Internet filtering software allows you to customize the content allowed onto your device. It gives you the ability to block specific sites, categories, keywords, and domains. You can usually set access times and password-protect certain programs.
Internet monitoring software does not block anything; it simply records Internet activity. At specified intervals (for example, every two weeks) the software e-mails a report of your Internet use to your accountability partners. I always recommend that your wife be one of the people who gets that report.
There are a couple of important things to know about these programs though. First, there are always false positives. Something, at some point, will show up on the report that appears shady and maybe even out of bounds. But it doesn’t necessarily mean someone accessed that specific content directly. It could’ve shown up in a pop-up, a banner ad, or an in-page link.
Some of the crazy naming mechanisms webmasters use can also trigger the program to flag a particular site. Anything in a report that looks suspicious should be discussed immediately. It is always telling when a wife confronts a husband about something on the report, and he responds defensively.
Guilty.
Second, it is important to understand that an Internet filter is more like a speed bump than a roadblock. A filter will never keep someone from accessing the content they desire to see. Men who struggle with sexual integrity are creative people, not to mention many are in business roles that require them to be Internet savvy. Every filter has a loophole.
If you’re a wife wondering what some of those are, feel free to e-mail me. If you’re a man with sexual integrity issues wondering what some of those are … Nice try! You can visit my website at www.redemptiveliving.com/resources for more information on Internet filters and monitoring.
If you are in the process of rebuilding trust, anything that can look suspicious will look suspicious. Erasing your browsing history falls squarely into this category. Covering your tracks isn’t clever; it’s childish. I think it is important to be very clear about what this entails. This list is by no means comprehensive, but I think you’ll get the idea:
• Internet browsers (Firefox, Safari, Internet Explorer, Chrome, Atomic, Opera)
• Cell phone texts, voice mails
• E-mails (sent, received, deleted, drafts, spam)
• Deleted files (trash can, deleted folders, and so on)
• iTunes purchases or downloads
• Kindle or Nook searches
• Instant messaging services (Yahoo, iMessage, AIM, Skype)
• Internet filters (SafeEyes, Covenant Eyes, X3watch)
Deleting any history signals guilt; there must be something you want to hide. Many guys say, “I’m deleting this stuff so it’s not a temptation in the future.” That may be true, but if the deletion occurs before your wife has a chance to view the history, it will damage trust. It will only confirm that you’re trying to cover your tracks and hide something.
So what should you do about your browsing histories? First, utilize the active truth-telling technique detailed in chapter 8 and systematically walk your spouse through every item of whatever history you are reviewing. Offer to clarify anything that is unclear or sketchy. If it can’t be done at the moment, follow up as soon as possible and report back to her. Be prepared to give some context for the activity, the time of day it occurred, the place, the people involved, and any other pertinent details. Then, once you’ve gone through the list and there is a comfort level with it, you can delete it—with her watching. She may want to take a picture of it to cross-check with the next active truth-telling review, and that’s great! That will only serve to bolster your trust-building efforts when the history is double-checked later.
Here’s an example of how this can work. With your wife by your side, page through the call history on your cell phone for the day or the week. Where there is doubt or skepticism about a number, call it and put the call on speaker. Proactively answer any questions and attempt to ease any fear your spouse may have. Once she has seen it, reviewed it, heard the call, and is comfortable with the result, you can delete the record.
When it comes to trust building, free time can be detrimental. We must begin to use our time intentionally and channel it toward a goal. Many of us view free time as “our” time. It’s that time when we don’t have a deadline, no honey-dos, no domestic chores—just time to relax and breathe. That time is important, and I think we should all have time like that. But when there’s been a gross violation of trust in a relationship, free time is often viewed by a hurting wife as dangerous and risky. She fears that if you aren’t busy with work, home, or family, then you might be spending your time acting out again. Violating her heart again, living a double life again.
In light of this risk and danger, you can begin using free time as a space to build trust. Think of it this way: your time is not neutral. Really, it’s what we do during our free time that can matter the most in rebuilding trust in our relationship. Consider how you can turn free time into freedom time. In the past, you used free time to act out sexually or maybe to just veg out, watch television, or nap. Now, instead of doing anything negative or even neutral, use that time to reflect on yourself, your life, your relationships, your faith, and your journey. Jot down notes or journal about your thoughts and emotions. Allow yourself to acknowledge the good, the bad, and the ugly of your life. Read books about recovery, marriage, Christian manhood, and your relationship with God. Then journal about your interactions with this material. Record all these great insights on paper.
I’m not suggesting you do a book report, because your time investment is not about the book. It’s about how you interact with the material in the book. Once you’ve recorded your thoughts, allow your wife to read it. Yes, you read that correctly: allow her to read it. These journal entries and notes can be a window into your soul that allows her to understand you better and see what is truly going on inside you. Your notes might be hurtful and helpful at the same time, but they will be the truth.
If you look at the bigger picture, you’ll quickly realize that her reading about you is only part of the scene, because while you are journaling about yourself, you’re not acting out. This is how so many wives see it. If you’re spending time on honest self-assessment, then you aren’t looking at porn, spending time with a mistress, visiting strip clubs or prostitutes, or cruising the Internet for inappropriate material. Your time is being well spent and aimed at the goal of freedom and relational restoration. That’s trustworthy!
Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, Myspace, and all other forms of social media can be a double-edged sword. There are many benefits, like staying up to date with someone, keeping track of old and new friends, developing a platform for influencing people’s viewpoints, and generally being up to speed on what is happening in the world. Then there is the dark, seedy underbelly of the beast, where social media tools are used for evil: selling and soliciting prostitution, cyberbullying, human trafficking, deception and false pretenses such as aliases and alternate lives, criminal activities including stalking and tracking, and feeding a lust addiction. To that end, social networking sites are increasingly recognized in relational difficulties. For example, a 2010 survey by the American Association of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) showed that during the previous five years, 81 percent of the nation’s top divorce attorneys have experienced an increase in the number of cases using evidence from social networking websites.
Beyond fostering relational difficulties, these sites and apps are being used in ways that create serious legal issues. Sexting is rampant and in some cases has resulted in lawsuits incriminating those involved. It is entirely too easy to send or receive racy photos, be friended by someone scandalous, or be followed online by allegedly harmless people whose idea of tasteful and appropriate behavior is firmly entrenched in the gutter.
If you are working toward restoration and redemption, obviously social media cannot be a part of your process. I urge you to delete all your social media profiles. As I said earlier, trust is destroyed at our wife’s expense, but trust is rebuilt at our expense. Rebuilding trust may cost you your social media presence, but when you think about it, what do you have to lose? Followers? Friends? Influence? Wouldn’t you rather gain your wife’s trust and respect over followers and friends? Wouldn’t you rather have influence in your own home over random people on the Internet?
I regret to say that many husbands push back on this, especially when they didn’t use social networking sites in their acting out. But I ask, why risk it? Consider how your wife would feel if you get friended by a former girlfriend or you get a message on LinkedIn from a former female coworker? Why even allow any suspicions? Control what you can control, and be mindful of the things you cannot control and surrender them to God. You can control your social media presence and protect your wife’s heart as a result.
I was on Facebook myself, but a few years ago it became obvious that I didn’t need to be there any longer. I received a friend request from someone related to an ex-girlfriend. As I saw the request and considered accepting it, I processed what the interaction might be if I were to engage with this person. Knowing they would update me on my former girlfriend’s life, I considered how Shelley might feel if she were to view the dialogue. Even though I wouldn’t ask for an update, the fact that I was getting one would be hurtful. Shelley would begin to wonder if I wanted an update, if I cared how this woman’s life was going, if my curiosity were piqued about what she looks like fifteen years later. No, no, no, and no! But how could she believe my words when my actions (accepting the friend request) communicated otherwise? I decided that even though I had cleaned the skeletons out of my closet, the last thing I needed was a skeleton friending me on Facebook. So I deleted my profile and canceled my account.
I urge you to do this too. Ultimately it is the best thing for your integrity and the safest thing for your wife’s heart.
INSIGHT FROM STEPHEN ARTERBURN
Sacrifice
There may be many reasons you got hooked on a lust problem. Most of us find that even though we have an addiction, satisfying it gives us a feeling of connection and an instant relief for our pain. Now that you are in recovery and restoration, you are without the go-to quick fix and instant solution to elevate your mood. Additionally, you are going to be challenged to sacrifice what might rightfully have been yours if this particular problem had never developed.
Trust grows when you sacrifice your immediate needs for the greater good of your wife and marriage. When you sacrifice your right to be right so that you can build connection and greater trust with your wife, you will experience much greater fulfillment in your relationship with her and God. Selfishness brings us to a place of desperation. Sacrifice brings us to a place of rich and rewarding fulfillment.