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It Won’t Be This Way Forever!

I hesitate to write this part because so many men say it is deflating, and they feel despair when they hear it. My commitment all along has been to shoot straight and not pull any punches, so why stop now? I think what I’m about to say is hopeful and uplifting. But it depends on the lens you’re looking through.

The process of building trust back in your marriage will never end. At least, not that I can tell from my vantage point, a little over ten years down the road as I write this. But the process won’t always be so incredibly difficult, like when you feel you are constantly behind the eightball. When I say the work never stops, many men envision a future where the same level of pain, distrust, disdain, conflict, and anger is always present. That’s just not true.

It won’t be this way forever! Continuing the work of trust building will at some point become an investment that yields growth and relational profit, not just payments you are making to service some enormous debt. Remember that God is doing a work in you that he will see to completion (see Philippians 1:6). The journey you’re on is changing you from the inside out. Character and integrity are being woven into the fabric of your being. As such, things will get easier. Truth, trust, and redemption will be more natural and will flow out of who you are, rather than having to be an intentional thing that you do. I promise, it will get easier.

We have to remember that it’s not our hurting wife’s responsibility to trust us again. The burden is on us. We bear the responsibility to rebuild the trust and create a new relational sculpture. And the new one won’t look like the old one. It will have some similar elements, but the two will be markedly different. They have to be.

There will be some trial and error. At times it will seem like two steps forward and six steps back. That’s okay. It’s a process, not a task.

Trust is not reestablished as an outcome; it is a by-product of the process. And for what it’s worth, your wife probably doesn’t want you to view it as an outcome.

Every wife who sits in my office fears that once trust is reestablished, her husband will stop his diligence and hard work and the relationship will crumble again. Shelley feared this too.

I really can’t tell you the date when trust was rebuilt in our relationship. One day, about six years into our process, I was at an Every Man’s Battle Workshop in Sacramento and on the phone with Shelley. She asked a simple but profound question: “What city are you in again?”

I began to answer but was struck with surprise. She didn’t know where I was. She doesn’t know what city I’m in! I realized I could be anywhere in the country and she had no clue. My traveling to this workshop did not necessitate her knowing my whereabouts. Quite simply, she trusted me.

I said, “Do you realize you don’t know where I am?” We had a short conversation about it and both acknowledged that trust was there, against the odds and against the backdrop of so many gross trust violations in the past. I don’t know exactly when the corner was turned and when trust was restored. But there it was!

This may well be your story too. Hang in there. And God bless you.

Shelley’s Thoughts

I’ll never forget the first time Jason and I shared our story at a couples’ retreat in the spring of 2011. During the Q&A, a woman asked me how I could possibly ever trust him again. I remember pausing as I considered the best way to describe trust for us. And this is what I said: “Trust is different now. It isn’t naive anymore, like trust I would have with someone else who hadn’t betrayed me. It’s a trust that is earned and real. And because of that, there is a depth that makes it even more special.”

Take Away: All is not lost—there is hope!

That doesn’t mean there aren’t still times today when I need to reassure Shelley of my trustworthiness. Sometimes I still need to work on proving what I’m doing right. Years later there are still times when we have to sit down and talk about trust and my integrity because something she has seen reminds her of how I used to be.

A couple of years ago Shelley was gone for a four-day stretch, and upon her return I wanted her to feel special. So the boys and I did some sidewalk chalk art, put up a welcome-home banner, decorated the table, and bought a cake to celebrate.

She was ecstatic to see all this when she arrived. Later that night, after the boys were in bed, we were hugging in the kitchen, and she abruptly but gently put her hands on my chest and pushed me away. I was a little startled.

She asked me to look in her eyes and then reminded me how in the past I would make her feel special after being gone, but I had done so out of guilt.

She was right. I would act out while she was away, and then, to make myself feel better, I’d do something extra to feel like a decent husband. Her special welcome home wasn’t about making her feel special but about mitigating my own guilt.

So this time, she followed the reminder with a simple, direct question: “Is there anything you need to tell me?”

I welcome that question these days. Every time she asks, there is an opportunity to build trust. I looked into her eyes and said, “No.” I reassured her that my integrity was intact and her heart was safe.

Back to the hug!

Shelley’s Thoughts

It’s true. If I ever have any hint of concern as to Jason’s motives or actions, I call him on it. It doesn’t happen often, but it gives me peace to know this door is always open. It becomes a small moment in time where Jason and I acknowledge where we have been and where we never want to return.

Take Away: I highly recommend encouraging your wife to ask you if she is ever even slightly uneasy about your behavior.

You can win your wife’s trust back.

Not overnight.

But with time invested, employing the tools in this book, it can happen.

The sculpture God is creating in your relationship will be a thing of beauty. It will be something you and your spouse will marvel at, and it can be a beacon of hope to others on their own journey.

I urge you to press into the challenge.

Don’t shrink back now.

In this war, there are hills worth dying on. Giving everything you’ve got to rebuild trust is one of them.

You can do it!