“Curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want.” —Spock

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Monday, October 6

Henry waited for me at my locker, his face pinched yet determined. I slowed as I approached, anxiety blooming in my stomach. “Hi, Henry.”

He nodded, moving slightly so that I could open my locker. I spun the lock, grateful for something to do because I had a premonition things were about to get weird.

“Vivian. How are you today? You’re looking well.”

He sounded like he’d rehearsed his lines, which made me even more anxious. “I’m groovalicious, Henry. How are you?”

He didn’t smile at my stupid joke. “Very well, thank you.” He shoved at his glasses, reminding me of Dallas, but not. He cleared his throat. “Do you have t-time for a question?” His voice wobbled and my heart fissured because I feared I knew exactly where this was going.

“Um, sure. I have newspaper at three thirty but I have a few minutes.” Please, please don’t let him ask me out again.

His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down, then he spoke, his voice still unsteady. “I’m here to ask you to accompany me to the Surfer Ball.” His entire face flushed beet red. “I know it’s traditional for girls to ask guys, but I-I um...” His voice faded, like he’d forgotten his lines.

I was appalled by the raw hope in his eyes. Hope I was about to crush. Maybe I should just say yes, just go to make him happy. But after my discussion with Toff, I’d vowed to be true to myself, and others, even if it meant I couldn’t have the guy I wanted. I didn’t want to hurt anyone else, and saying yes when I meant no would only hurt Henry in the long run. I took a deep breath.

“Thank you for asking me, Henry. That’s sweet. But I…I can’t go with you. I’m sorry.”

He dropped his gaze to the floor. “You have another date.”

It would be easy to lie, but I wouldn’t. No more pretending. “No. I’m not going to the dance. I just…don’t want to go.”

He raised his eyes. The hope was gone, and now he looked hurt. “That day you asked me for pre-calc help. You didn’t need my help.”

I bit my lip, feeling myself blush with guilt. “Well, I…”

“Don’t bother, Vivian. I know it’s true.” He shifted his books. “I thought maybe you asked me to meet you because…” His cheeks flamed. “Never mind.”

Oh my God. What had I done? I heard Dallas’s voice: “You know about collateral damage, right? Somebody always gets hurt.”

Henry turned away, but not before I saw the expression on his face. He looked like I must have when I saw Dallas holding Kylie’s hand.

“Henry. I’m sorry. I really am.” My words echoed down the hallway but he kept walking, head down, his gait hurried.

Tears pooled in the corners of my eyes. God, I was an idiot. Why had I ever thought anyone could be logical about love? Or that I could just pick guys off a list like I was grocery shopping? My stomach twisted in knots as I watched Henry disappear into the crowd.

If true love ever did find me, I’d send it packing because I didn’t deserve it.

...

After a long, boring newspaper meeting, I closed my locker, grateful the drama-filled school day was over. I closed my eyes, breathing deeply but when I opened them, Nathan stood there, staring down at me, looking as nervous as Henry had earlier this afternoon.

Oh no. What had Iggy done? I couldn’t handle any more boy drama today.

“Hey, Vivian.” He flashed me a tight smile. “Do you have a sec?”

Not again. Swallowing nervously, I nodded but moved toward the doors. “I need to go, but you can walk with me.”

“Sure,” Nathan said, falling into step with me. “So, um, this is kind of awkward…” His voice was low. “It’s…uh…about Iggy.”

Oh my God. He must know about my list, thanks to blabbermouth Iggy. Could this day get any worse?

I stopped and turned to face him. “Please don’t.” I sounded desperate. “Iggy wasn’t supposed to tell anyone.”

He frowned, his eyes clouding with confusion. “So…Iggy knows already?”

It was my turn to look confused.

“I think we’re talking about two separate things.” He took a breath. “But what I wanted to ask is…you and Iggy are friends, right?”

I nodded, anxiety chewing up my insides.

He stood very still, but I could sense his apprehension. “Do you think…” He stopped and took a breath. “Is he…um, seeing anyone right now?”

It took so long for his words to compute in my addled brain that Nathan turned away, but not before saw I how devastated he looked.

“No, no!” I finally sputtered, as the pieces finally fell into place. “He’s not. Seeing anyone.”

Nathan turned back to me, eyes lighting with hope. “Really?”

I nodded, grinning with relief. I couldn’t wait to tell Iggy our gaydar sucked. “I think he’d definitely be interested.”

Nathan smiled shyly. “You think so?”

“Oh yeah. He’s very…aware…of you.”

Nathan cleared his throat and glanced away, embarrassed. “Okay. Cool.” He glanced at me. “So what were you talking about? What did you think I was going to ask you?”

Laughter bubbled out of me and he frowned. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing. Nothing at all. Do you want Iggy’s number?” I dug in my pocket for my cell but Nathan shook his head, waving his phone at me.

“Already got it, for newspaper stuff.”

“Cool.” I tilted my head toward his phone. “What are you waiting for?”

He grinned. “Thanks, Viv.”

...

“GUESS WHO TEXTED ME FOR A DATE??!!!” Ig’s text message might as well have been a holler from the rooftops. I grinned at my phone as I unlocked my bike. Nathan worked fast; good for him.

“I know,” I replied. “So much for our gaydar.”

“Right??? First time it’s failed me!” Followed by smiley faces, hearts, and rainbow emoticons.

At least someone’s love life was looking up. I was happy for Ig and Nathan, even as sadness over my own stupidity pressed in on me like the ocean fog, filling me with damp sadness and bleak regret.

I rode my bike home slowly, hoping to unknot my tangled emotions. My mission was a complete bust. None of my targets were right: not Drew, definitely not Toff, and then poor Henry who thought he was right for me…but I’d broken his heart because he wasn’t the right target.

When I saw Reg kicking back on the bench, his head tipped back soaking in the last rays of sunshine before the sun dipped behind the horizon, I coasted to a stop.

He opened one eye to look at me when I sat next to him. “Pastry Princess. How’s tricks?”

I gave him a half-hearted smile. “Trickier than usual.” I stretched out my legs. “Have you ever been in love, Reg?”

He turned to face me, opening both eyes. “Hell, yeah. Best time of my life.” He wheezed as he shifted on the bench. “Also the worst.” He shrugged and shot me his familiar yellow-toothed grin. “Somebody break your heart?”

“Yeah. Me.” I shook my head. “I’m an idiot.”

He sighed next to me and rearranged his body to face the setting sun again. He closed his eyes. “We’re all idiots when it comes to love.”

“So…” I tugged at my hair. “No words of wisdom for me?”

He laughed. “Now, what could you learn from an old coot like me?” He wheezed again. “I’ll tell you this. The biggest mistake I ever made was walking away from the only woman who loved me in spite of my crazy-ass self.”

For the thousandth time, I saw Dallas turning away that night he’d kissed me under the stars.

“Yeah.” I sighed. “I get that.”

“Anyway,” he said. “You got years ahead of you. You got time to figure it out.”

It didn’t feel like that to me. I felt like a time-bomb was ticking, but I didn’t know how to turn it off.

“You like to read, Reg?”

He shot me another one-eyed glance. “Used to. Horror, mostly. The gory ones.”

I laughed. “I’ll bring you a couple of books tomorrow.” I don’t know why I hadn’t thought about doing so before now, but it felt like a tiny step on my path to redemption. I needed to atone somehow, for hurting Henry. And using Drew, however briefly. I squeezed my eyes shut.

No wonder Dallas continued to ignore me. If I were him, I’d run the other way, too. I was a freaking train wreck.

“See you, Reg.” I stood up and grabbed my bike.

“Lookin’ forward to it,” he called after me.

I rode slowly along the path, watching the joggers on the beach, kids playing in the sand, couples holding hands. If only I could grab a tiny bit of that peacefulness and implant it in my aching heart, so swollen with regret.

Dallas was right about collateral damage. I just never expected that I’d be the victim.