Arianna took CeCe to the pool on Monday instead of Tuesday the following week.
“But Mom, I want to play with Paige, and she comes on only Tuesdays.”
“This way you can meet new friends.”
“I don’t want to make new friends. I want Paige.”
And so, for the next few weeks, Arianna and CeCe joined Austin and Paige at the swimming pool on Tuesdays. Arianna learned quite a bit about them, like how Austin had been married for four years to Paige’s mother but had been divorced for the past two.
“Do you go to church?” she asked one day while their daughters took turns diving into the water.
“Uh, no.”
“Why not?”
“I have issues with God.”
“What kind of issues?”
Austin brushed dirt off his legs and looked away. “My sister died of cancer when I was little. It was a slow, painful death. She was only three. Three. Tell me why God would allow a completely innocent child to suffer for two years. I loved that girl more than anything. And she was just gone one day. Never had a chance. She sat and watched other people live life while her days were spent throwing up from chemo.”
Arianna tasted a salty teardrop that had quickly fallen from her eyes. “Austin, I’m so sorry. There is no good explanation while we are here on Earth, but I firmly believe that it will all make sense some day.”
He looked back toward her and raised his eyebrows before he chuckled sarcastically. “Yeah, see that’s not enough for me. I’m here right now, so I want to know now what all of this suffering in my life has been for.”
“It’s a broken world. There’s the devil. There’s free will. I don’t believe tragic situations are necessarily always God’s doing.”
“What do you know about tragic situations?”
Arianna lowered her head. She hadn’t told him. It wasn’t like her to keep quiet about Chase. Although CeCe had helped her become more social at the pool over the years, Arianna didn’t have many friends because she included her son in almost every conversation. She knew it made people uncomfortable and put them at a distance . . . a habit from the earlier days. When Chase had been kidnapped, a part of her had closed off from everyone. Opening herself up and forming a close relationship with others meant putting herself in a situation where she might get hurt again. She didn’t have parties or join groups—Arianna wasn’t rude or cold anymore as she’d been years ago, but she didn’t go out of her way to get to know people. She’d had enough pain for this lifetime.
Arianna fiddled with a loose string on her towel. “I had a son. Maybe I still do. He was abducted ten years ago. I’d say it’s been a very tragic situation.”
“Are you serious?” Austin’s blue eyes resembled saucers.
“Yeah. His name was Chase. He was almost two at the time.”
“Oh wow, Arianna. I’m an idiot.” Austin put his hand on her knee.
Being touched was so foreign to her. But even though it was June now, she hadn’t moved out yet. In all honesty, Arianna had been happier since meeting Paige’s dad—going to the pool and having someone interested in talking to her every day was more pleasant than thinking about which apartment to sign a lease. He’d distracted her from her problems at home with Alan.
She moved her leg away; it was a feeling that she missed, and she now realized how vulnerable she was to this man whom she’d been spending time with at the pool.
“No. Just don’t make assumptions about people.”
He put his hand back on her knee. “Arianna, I know you’re married. But I like you. A lot. Don’t tell me that you don’t feel it too.”
She gasped. After being in denial these past few weeks, the truth was out there now. Yes, Arianna had a crush on him too. This time she didn’t move away. She could tell that he wanted to kiss her, and for a moment she fantasized about kissing him back. It had been so long since she’d been truly kissed or felt any sort of passion. She had thought she was dead inside, but something had stirred within her.
Stop, Arianna. It’s Alan that you wish you had this feeling with.
“I love my husband. I’ve never been with anyone else.”
He looked at her as if she was an alien. “You haven’t?”
She shook her head. “I was a virgin until my wedding night.”
“What? No way! I don’t get that. Why would you want to do that? Don’t you feel you’ve missed out?”
“No. I think it’s the most romantic idea in the world. We saved ourselves for each other and can never share that experience with anyone else.” Arianna’s face grew warm.
“And that actually worked for you?”
“What do you mean worked?”
“I mean, you’ve never been tempted?”
“I haven’t been until now.”
He smiled flirtatiously. “Until now?”
This is wrong.
She stood up and began folding her towel. “I’m afraid this is goodbye.”
“What? Why?”
“You’re right, I’m tempted by you, and there isn’t any other option since I don’t want to commit adultery.”
She hollered for CeCe to get out of the water.
“Wait—I’m sorry. I crossed a line. I don’t want it to end like this. We’re friends.”
“We can’t be . . .”
She turned to CeCe who was running over with Paige. “Don’t run. You’ll slip and fall. Tell Paige goodbye.”
“Goodbye!” CeCe called out in her typical bubbly voice as she and her mom headed toward the gate. This time, they didn’t look back.
Arianna was grouchy as the week went by. She was disappointed that threatening a separation hadn’t led to progress. She desperately wanted Alan to give her a reason to stay, but he hadn’t. She missed Austin. Or did she? She’d talked to him only six times, so maybe it wasn’t Austin she missed so much as the way he made her feel. What did she really know about him? What did he know about her? She knew he could bench 345 pounds, but what thoughts kept him up at night? He knew she liked to read, but what were her favorite books, and why did they touch her heart?
She had prayed for a sign by May . . . was Austin the sign that there were other men out there for her? Was it time for a divorce?
God hates divorce.
There it was, the same voice that had spoken to her years before regarding her brother. It was the truth. Deep down inside, she knew that Austin was not right for her. He wasn’t a believer. God wouldn’t bring her a man while she was still in a relationship—He didn’t want her to sin.
But she couldn’t stop thinking about Paige’s dad. Certainly, this meant Arianna should leave her marriage because then she wouldn’t feel guilty; it wouldn’t be infidelity. If she stayed any longer in her marriage, she was going to come unraveled. Did the Lord really want that? It would affect her in all areas of life—how could she be a good mom to CeCe?
At the same time, she felt pain in her heart at the thought of introducing divorce to her daughter. The six-year-old always had a grin on her face, had such zest for life—she could make any situation fun and entertaining. Other children seemed to flock to her because she was so warm and carefree. CeCe was oblivious to any problems going on in her parents’ marriage—but this would rock her world. Would she lose her spunk?
Arianna had heard that, statistically, children from divorce had more emotional issues than those who grew up in a two-parent home. Besides, she didn’t know how to be a single mom; her own mother and father had an easy marriage, so she kept the matters of her heart private from them. They had seemed to stress more about parenthood. But for Alan and Arianna, being a father and mother had been their niche. It was their spousal relationship that neither of them seemed to know how to navigate. Was it who they were individually—would it be like this with anyone? Or was it the way they operated together?
Arianna panicked at the thought of spending the rest of her life trapped in an unhappy marriage.
Volunteering at the women’s shelter and attending meetings for the Mothers of the Missing served as distractions from Arianna’s troubles. The group had thrown a party to celebrate the incredible miracle of Elizabeth Smart being found alive last year, nine months after being abducted from her house in Utah. Arianna was ecstatic by the news. Chase would be eleven now, and she had renewed hope of finding him.
She was passing out updated information on missing children at a booth during the town’s Fourth of July celebration when she heard a familiar voice.
“Arianna.”
It was Austin. Her heart skipped a beat. He was wearing a baseball hat, white shirt, and blue jeans. It was her favorite men’s look.
“How are you?” he asked.
“I’m . . . good.”
“I’m glad.”
“What do you say we get a coffee after you’re done here?”
Arianna hated the word coffee. She’d had no trouble giving it up, cold turkey, ten years ago.
“I don’t drink coffee.”
Austin grinned. “I don’t either. I was just hoping to talk to you.”
“About what?” Arianna pressed her hair behind her ear and waved to people in the distance that she knew from the pool.
“Whether you’ve changed your mind about being friends again?”
Arianna did want to be friends, but she was fooling herself if she thought it wasn’t inappropriate. They hadn’t snuck around, and they hadn’t talked about anything that anyone at the pool would have thought unusual for two friends, but he was a male and she was a married female and she couldn’t help but wonder if that’s what the term “emotional affair” meant. She hadn’t told Alan about Austin or how she’d looked forward to seeing him on Tuesdays to share their day-to-day feelings with each other. For twelve years Alan had been her only confidant, and she knew that was the way it should be. Most disastrous was that she was physically attracted to Austin and he had hit on her.
She blushed and shook her head. “No . . . I’m sorry.”
“I see. Well . . . if you do ever change your mind, you’re always free to drop by. Twenty-thirty Iverson Lane. But promise me one thing—either way—don’t settle with your husband, okay? You deserve a fulfilling relationship.” Arianna watched him turn and walk away.