There is a proper time.
At that time, bring into your home a wife. [695]
You should be thirty years old.
Not much younger,
not much older.
That’s the proper age for marriage.
Your future wife? She’ll be four years past puberty.
Marry her in the fifth, when she’s
eighteen. Be sure to marry a virgin,
a girl open to being schooled in proper behavior.
Indeed, the type you want is
“the girl who lives next door.” But you’re not getting [700]
married to gratify your neighbors.
So scour the neighborhood for just the right girl.
There’s no better prize
won by a man than a wife,
as long as she’s a good wife. If not?
Then there’s nothing worse than a bad wife.
A bad wife is a parasite. She’ll eat her man raw.
She needs no fire; she’ll roast even the
strongest man with her words.
She’ll wear him down, into old age before his time. [705]
Mortal man, avoid such a woman.
And be on guard also to avoid the wrath of the gods
dispensing quarrels. You can’t rely on an acquaintance
the same way you can a brother.
But if you wish to cultivate real friendships,
then never be the first to rock the boat. No,
I am not advising you to smooth everything over
with gracious lies. If your friend wrongs
you, being the first to give offense
with a word or deed from a competitive spirit, [710]
then remember to stand up for yourself
and pay him back twice as much. But if he asks
you to be his friend again, and intends
to act justly toward you, then
welcome the gesture. Only the petty man
makes it a regular custom to drop old friends
and take up new friends. But I’m not advising you
to censor your heart among friends.
Don’t get a reputation,
either as Mr. Popular or as The Misanthrope, [715]
or as someone who hangs out with low-lifes,
or who always bad-mouths everyone better.
Don’t make fun of the poor man.
Nobody wants to be poor. Sadly, poverty can kill
a man’s competitive spirit.
Only the immortal gods can be blamed for such a curse.
Control of the tongue is the best treasure
for humans to possess. Be sparing
with your words. That maximizes their pleasure.
Grace shines best in moderation. [720]
If you speak evil words,
then you will soon hear worse ones – about yourself.
Don’t be loud and obnoxious at a potluck dinner
where there are many guests you don’t know.
The best way to have fun there
is to feast instead on what everyone else has on offer.
Never pour your morning libation
of sparkling wine to Zeus
if you have not first purified the hand
that pours it. All the other immortal gods [725]
will also take offense. All the gods
spit a man’s impious prayers right back at him.
Do you laugh at piety? Do you think
to bother with rules is silly? Well, do you care to
watch a man take a piss right in broad daylight?
Even in the dark of night, do you want
to come across someone pissing
in the middle of the road? Who do you think cares
to see you exposed? Show some decency.
Nighttime is also blessed by the gods. [730]
The pious man practices discretion.
He behaves seasonably. He knows the proper place.
He knows the way
to the restroom.
Indeed, some things are improper.
Don’t go warm your genitals by the fire right after sex.
Who do you think wants to gaze upon that?
Hestia, the virgin goddess of the hearth?
And what sort of behavior is proper
for the day of a funeral? Is that the right time [735]
to impregnate your wife? Save it for a festival day.
Celebrate the immortals in that way.
Waters are sacred. So never wade into
the eternally flowing water of a lovely river
to make a journey until you have prayed first.
Gaze into the lovely stream as you pray.
Then wash your hands
in the beautiful, clear water.
He who does not purify himself with this gesture
crosses a river wicked and unclean. [740]
The gods resent his impiety.
Toward him they allot future punishment.
Do you laugh at piety? Do you think
to bother with rules is silly? Well, what if on a holy
feast day, at your grand dinner party,
one of your guests cuts his fingernails at the table?
While we’re on the subject of inappropriate behavior
at a party, don’t you think fistfights
will soon erupt if you let your guests
mix their own drinks? An open bar tempts fate. [745]
My point is simple. Piety is common sense.
You cut planks all to the same size when you
build houses. But impiety, lawless,
slaps up a home where only birds of ill omen perch.
So say your prayers
before you use water to cook. Say your prayers
before you use water to bathe. Waters are sacred.
Impiety knows not their worth.
Let me paint you a picture of impiety:
a twelve-year-old boy loafing on a gravesite. [750]
Is that appropriate? May the gods
rob him of his fertility! Spare us his impious progeny.
What about a one-year-old baby
playing on a tombstone?
No excuse. Blame his parents.
It’s the same as if a man were to bathe
using the water that a woman had just bathed in.
Do you see? Impurity comes from
inappropriate mixing, two things unseasonably mixed.
There is a price to be paid for that.
So do not mock men who make burnt offerings [755]
to atone for their sins. God has ceased
directing wrath at them. He’ll now direct it at you.
The impious man’s crimes
are not simply flushed out to sea like piss down a toilet.
The impious man is pissing
in everybody’s drinking water. Don’t be that man.
You wouldn’t take a dump in the sink.
So don’t dump your impiety where piety purifies.
Piety is practical.
It is how you ward off malicious gossip. [760]
Riddle me this:
what is easily acquired,
is lightly passed around
by others, but heavily borne by you,
and very hard to get rid of?
Answer: your reputation.
You can’t shake off
your reputation as long as
people will talk. In that way,
reputations are immortals.
But is yours worthy of the gods?