CHAPTER 31

Around eleven that night, Wade and his two roommates came home together, paying more attention to the roaches than they did me. As soon as they got inside the apartment, Nick grabbed a magazine and started smashing roaches. Bob strolled over to the stove and removed a cigar box from the oven. He rolled some joints, and I was surprised when he handed one to me. But other than that, the way Bob, Wade, and Nick behaved, you would have thought that I was invisible.

My period was heavier than usual this month, and I had some cramps that made my stomach feel like it was upside down. I knew that the stress that I was under had a lot to do with the way my body was breaking down. I flopped down on the beanbag and enjoyed my high while my thoughts swam around in my head.

I spent as much time as I could in that tacky, smelly bathroom next door to the apartment. By now I was bleeding like a stuck pig, and my cramps were even worse. I’d never been in labor before, but the way my mama had often described it to me, I was pretty sure that my cramps were on that level. That was enough to make me feel like shit. But Wade’s reaction to my presence made me feel even worse. Instead of sharing the sleeping bag with me again, he made a pallet on the floor with some cardboard and a blanket and slept there.

The next morning all three of the boys were gone when I woke up. Wade had left the key to the apartment, a five-dollar bill, and a note telling me to use the money to get something to eat. I had not eaten since the day before. It was still early, and I knew that if I moved fast enough, I could reach my parents before they left for work. I stumbled across the floor to the telephone on the wall. My hands shook as I dialed the number. For the first time in my life, I was glad to hear my daddy’s voice.

“Mmm … hallo!” he said in his usual gruff voice, grunting under his breath. This was the first time I’d heard my own father speak from the other end of a telephone line. He didn’t have any kind of accent or anything, but the way he greeted me made it sound like he did. “Mmm … hallo!” he said again, sounding impatient and annoyed.

“Daddy?” I managed, my hand covering my heart because it was thumping so hard. “Daddy, it’s me.”

“Me who?” my father asked.

I almost dropped the telephone. I was his only child—as far as I knew. I was the only person I knew who addressed him as “Daddy.” The fact that he had to ask who I was made me wish that I had tried to call Miss Odessa again instead.

“It’s Christine, Daddy,” I said firmly. “Your daughter.”

“Oh. Where are you calling from? Wherever you at? Shouldn’t you be getting ready for school?”

“Daddy, I’m in L.A.,” I said in a flat voice.

“L.A.? Los Angeles?”

“Yeah,” I mumbled, my heart beating like a bongo drum.

“Well, what … what you doing down there, girl? And when did you go down there?”

“I came down here on Sunday.”

“Is that right? No wonder them dirty dishes is still in the sink.”

“You didn’t even know I was gone?” I wailed, my voice cracking.

“You know I don’t get in your business,” he admitted.

“No. No, Daddy, you don’t,” I said, and I wanted to say, “But I am your business.”

“Aye yi yi! All this time I thought you was shet up in that room of yours. Either there or across the hall with that busybody Odessa. So what are you going to do now? You done finally quit school or what? And who you down there with? You ain’t going to stop till you ruin yourself.”

“I want to come home, Daddy. I’m down here with a friend, but he said I can’t stay with him. He’s got two roommates, and their place is really too small. I need for you to wire me the money for a bus ticket to come back to Berkeley. I need thirty-five more dollars.”

“Hold on. Let me get your mama in on this. You know she handles everything in this house when it comes to money.”

There was dead silence for the next five minutes. I kept looking at my watch, wondering how much the long-distance call was going to cost and how mad Wade was going to be when he got the bill.

“Christine,” my mother finally said in a loud voice. Then, to my surprise, her voice sounded extremely soft and gentle. She didn’t even sound like the woman I’d known all my life. “Are you all right?” There was so much concern in her voice, it almost broke my heart.

The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt my parents. But I didn’t know what they wanted me to do and what they didn’t want me to do. As far as I was concerned, the only person I needed to try and please was myself. “I’m all right, Mama,” I said, almost choking on my words.

“I hope so. Thank the Lord, you sound as strong as a burro.” My mother and father rarely spoke Spanish in my presence. For all I knew, they had forgotten most of it. Whenever one of them used a Spanish word, it threw me for a loop. Yes, I sounded strong, but I didn’t like being compared to a donkey. “What the devil are you up to now? You left that kitchen looking like a train wreck. Dishes all over the place.”

“I’ll do the dishes as soon as I get home, Mama.” I sighed. “Mama, I’m in L.A., and I want to come home. But I don’t have enough money to buy a ticket. Can you and Daddy wire me some money?” Mama was taking too long to answer, and I didn’t know what her silence meant, but it frightened me. I said the next thing that came to my mind. “I will get a job and pay you back.”

“How much does this ticket cost?” she asked, with a weak sigh.

“I just need thirty-five more dollars,” I said sharply.

“Thirty-five dollars is a lot of money for piss-poor folks like us. And, how do I know that you ain’t planning on spending this money on something other than a bus ticket? I never know what you are up to.”

“I’ll even pay you back with interest,” I offered. I stopped talking because I was close to tears. My parents had not seen or heard me cry since I was a baby. I was too proud to let my guard down around them.

“I’ll go to the Western Union place as soon as they open up.”

“Thank you, Mama. And, Mama … I do love you, and tell Daddy I love him, too.”

“Of course, you do,” she said in a distant voice. “And you should,” she added.

I didn’t wait for Wade or his roommates to come home. Right after I took a birdbath in the kitchen sink, using another page from the Rolling Stone for a bath cloth, I fished some clean underwear out of my backpack and slid into it. Then I gathered up all of my shit and left that miserable place. I was thankful that the nearest Western Union station was only six blocks away. The additional money that I needed to help pay for my bus ticket was there when I got there. And, that was all that Mama had sent, nothing extra for food or anything else.

The few dollars that I had left home with and the crumpled five-dollar bill that Wade had left for me that morning was all the money I had to my name. Since I had to use part of it to cover the cost of my ticket home, there was not enough left over for me to take a cab home from the bus station, which was in Oakland a few miles away, from our apartment. Even though I’d fucked strangers, I was too afraid to hitchhike. Three girls that I used to run with had all been killed after accepting rides from strangers. If I had not found enough loose change in my pockets and in the belly of my backpack to take the local bus from Oakland to Berkeley, I would have walked the four miles home.

I got back to Berkeley around one that morning. The apartment was dark, but when I let myself in the front door and clicked on the light, Daddy lifted his head off his pillow on the sofa bed, looking at me with his eyes still half closed. He offered a rare smile. And then he lay back down.

About an hour later, after I’d gone to bed, I heard my bedroom door open. The lights were out, and I didn’t budge, so I didn’t know which one of my parents had entered my room, tiptoeing across the floor, bumping into things like a clumsy thief. But whoever it was, they lifted the covers off my face and kissed me on the cheek.