Chapter Seventy

It took a good minute for Lena to realize the child screaming didn’t need her. It wasn’t her child, but maternal instincts were difficult to suppress.

Poor John was having a rough night, which meant his parents were also having a rough night.

“I remember cringing at that sound,” she said into the darkness as baby John gave his lungs a workout in the next cabin. “Because it meant I had to get up, and I was always so damn tired.”

Dane chuckled softly. “I remember pretending to sleep through it so my wife would have to go take care of him. She eventually figured it out. Who would be able to sleep through that?”

They laughed together.

“Now I feel ungrateful,” she said. “What if losing Kenzie was payback for all the times I complained or didn’t get up right away? I should have cherished every single second.”

Another wave of guilt crashed over her, nearly drowning her with the intensity of her failures.

“There are some things about parenthood that would be impossible to cherish. Like when they come into your bedroom in the middle of the night because their stomach hurts, and proceed to throw up all over you.”

She groaned.

He continued. “How about when you just want to run into the grocery store for one quick thing and your kid asks for something. And when you say no they start screaming and throw themselves on the floor in some kind of alligator death roll.”

“What about when someone gives them a gift and they scrunch up their nose and throw it.” She shook her head and made a face.

“Oh, yes. I wanted to shake the little shit,” he said without real conviction.

“You don’t have a girl, so you probably haven’t had to deal with six changes of clothes in one day. Or all the laundry.”

“No, but I did have to deal with ripped knees and grass stain on every pair of pants.”

She squeezed her eyes shut. “I’d take all of it and then some, just to have her back again.” Lena’s chest felt tight and her throat burned.

“I would, too,” he said with a roughness to his voice.

“It’s worse for you. Even if everything goes according to plan, you won’t get Tobey back,” she said sadly.

“True. But it’s okay. I gave him up before for his safety. I can do it again. Especially now that I was able to tell him I still love him.”

She didn’t possess the kind of strength it must take to be able to walk away from your child, knowing they were better off without you. She hoped she never needed to find out.

And as hard as it was for Dane, it would be all that more difficult for Tobey. Because even if he now had an inkling of the danger, he surely wouldn’t understand the reason Dane had walked away. He would always know Dane was out there somewhere, but wasn’t able to be with him.

“Tobey won’t want to give you up,” she said.

He looked conflicted. “Maybe not.”

“What will you do?”

“I’m not sure. It won’t be easy. I guess I’ll have to ask him to keep it a secret.”

She felt for him. What a thing to ask of a child. “Don’t you marshals have something to wipe out a person’s memories?” she joked.

“I wish. If we did, I’d use it on you.”

She glanced at him in surprise. “On me? Why?”

He grimaced. “I’d wipe out your memories from our first few days together. When I was such an ass. I’m sorry I didn’t give you a chance to explain.”

Her pulse came back to normal. “I didn’t deserve it. I hurt you and Tobey. I should have done someth—”

He cut her off. “No. If you had made a move against Viktor, he would have had you killed.”

There was little doubt about that. “And yet, I’m getting ready to make a move on him tomorrow.”

“Right, but you’re prepared now. It’s different.”

God, she hoped so.