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“I miss you. I miss who we used to be together.”
He finally whispers the words into my hair as he holds me on the floor. We stay like this for a long time, my heart hurting from all of the pain of the past few weeks, few years really. How did we lose who we were?
Eventually, when I am out of tears and anxiety, I turn over to look into the eyes of the man who feels more like a stranger. I realize a hard truth: I miss him, too. Despite all of the questions, all of the suspicions, I long for the man who looked into my eyes on that dock, who promised me a future of companionship and support. I long for us—the real us, strong and tenacious. Two hands held together by the glue of our bond. Two hearts ready to walk through flames to save each other.
He stands up. I follow suit. He takes my hand in his and leads me back to our bedroom. His movements are gentle, familiar. This simple act tears down the perspective he’s a monster, a vision I’ve been building for weeks. I recognize as I follow him to our room how much I missed him, how much I needed physical reassurance all would be okay, even if it is a lie. We’ve told so many lies—to each other, to ourselves, to the world around us.
It doesn’t matter right now. For a moment, I am whole, I am his, I am sure. For right now, I push aside everything I know, all the secrets uncovered. It’s like a defense mechanism my body throws up; just pretend it’s the old times. Make believe nothing’s changed. Let him in, let yourself be his again. I obey the whims of my heart.
He strips me down. I permit him. He kisses me, and my heart races. I let him lay me down on our bed, the sheets that typically are a wall between us. Now, they melt away, our two bodies all that matters. The silky satin pillowcase caresses my cheek as his lips work their way over my neck. Just the right spot.
For a while, I dissolve into him, forgetting everything. It feels so good to be held by him, to be loved by him. He makes me forget, which is probably what he wants. He helps black it all out, redacted from our story and covered up with the feelings of love that still surge for him in my heart.
And then, after our lovemaking that makes me flash back to how it used to be in the old days, he tucks my hair behind my ear. The moonlight shining in through our window, he leans in and kisses the tip of my nose.
“I’m just so worried about you, Ev. You haven’t been yourself. I miss you so much. You’ve been scaring me, you know.”
A frost descends from the ceiling and blankets my body in a frozen tomb. I am breathless and silent as I let the words float through my veins and freeze my once-warm heart.
I hate him for ruining the moment. Why couldn’t he just let it be? Silence was always our language. Understanding. Words have cluttered up who we are. These words have brought me right back to reality. Thus, I pull back, prickly terror clinging to my heart. I retract away from the vision of the man I thought he once was. I understand the truth I let sex cover up for a moment: I am in bed with a monster. He isn’t the same man from the dock, from before. He is altered. So am I. We are no longer the couple that is better together. We are gapped, oppressed by our relationship now. We have broken each other in so many ways.
I remind myself to stay calm. To not react. To let him think he has the upper hand. Let him think I’m some pliant woman he can bend and mold to his liking. All the easier to strike when it hurts. Still, it’s so hard to stay assured when you’re in the arms of a devil who wants nothing more than your soul.
My mind starts racing, playing out the scenarios that have haunted me. He’ll get rid of me, tuck me away. It wouldn’t be hard to convince everyone I’ve gone mad. There will be no one to stand up for me. I’ve alienated everyone from my life, even Olivia. All the pitying faces from the office flood back into my mind. He’ll be the hero, probably already is, and I the psychotic villain. He’ll get what he wants—rid of me, the baby to himself, and he’ll traipse off into the sweet bliss of the future with a new woman he silently promises to love forever. All the while, I’ll be left in the dust. Alone. I will rot in a padded cell, chained away.
Like before. Like he promised he would never happen. God, it’s going to happen again. I shiver at the memory of the cold bleakness of the cell. I remember what it was like to be held hostage at sixteen, my mind already battling me. Being locked away did nothing to make it better.
I can’t go back. I can’t let him put me back. I can’t. It’s different now. I’m different. I am well now. Stable. Capable. Stop it. Get ahold of yourself.
But the incident didn’t suggest that. Dammit, it’s like I played right into his hand. This whole time, I’ve been launching myself into his trap unintentionally. I roll away from him, but the feeling of his breath on my back is perhaps more unsettling than looking into his face.
“Ev, you okay?” His voice quakes.
“Fine. Perfectly fine.” And things will be, I know. I just have to stay smart.
I’ve been a lot of things in my life, but stupid has never been one of them. Not completely, at least.