“Ben?”
He jerked away from her touch.
Hearing Ellie’s indrawn breath, he reluctantly turned to face her. The pain etched on her face almost killed him.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have bothered you.” She scrambled backward off the bed. “It won’t happen again.”
“Yes, it will.” He blindly reached for her hand, tugging her to his side. “I’m going to have that nightmare again and again.”
She sensed he was reaching out to her in his own way. “Are you okay?”
“Sure,” he answered automatically. “I’m always okay.”
“You don’t have to be. You don’t always have to be the knight coming to the rescue. Sometimes you can be the one who could use a little help. It wouldn’t be a sin, you know.”
“No.” She rubbed her thumb over the back of his hand in a soothing gesture. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really.”
“Okay. Keep taking deep breaths. It helps.”
“You sound like you’re talking to Amy,” Ben muttered. He knew he couldn’t keep putting this moment off. The time had come.
As if sensing his ambivalence, she urged him on. “Talk to me, Ben. I know something has been terribly wrong. Is it me? Are you regretting marrying me?”
He shot her a startled look. “What would make you think that?”
“A lot of things.”
“Like what?”
“Like the fact that you don’t want me touching you.”
“I want it too much,” he growled.
“I don’t understand.”
“I promised you a marriage of convenience. A marriage in name only. And I always keep my promises.”
“Is that the reason you pulled away from me on our wedding night?”
“Yes.”
She sensed he wasn’t being completely honest with her. “The only reason?”
His gaze shifted away. How could he explain to her that he was falling for her, falling in love with her strength and her courage? Yet he knew there was no hope for her to return that love, not when he felt responsible for her beloved brother’s death.
“Is it because of what I said about marriage?” she asked him uncertainly.
“It’s not about you.” He couldn’t stand the fact that she was blaming herself in any way, shape or form. “It’s my fault.”
“What is?”
“Your brother’s death.” The words burst from his lips.
There. The ugly truth was finally out in the open.
“What are you talking about? You told me you weren’t the one who shot my brother.”
“I wasn’t.”
“Then how do you figure you’re responsible?”
“I should have watched his back the way he watched mine.”
“Is there something you’re not telling me?” Ellie asked quietly.
Ben looked away from her compassionate eyes.
“So tell me what it is,” she urged him. “Do you feel guilty because you’re still alive and John isn’t?”
“This isn’t survivor guilt.” Ben bit the words out.
“Then what is it?”
“Don’t you understand? When the shooting started, I ordered everyone to stay down. We were on an overnight training mission in the desert. No live ammunition was supposed to be used that night. But incoming gunfire was flying all over the place. John didn’t stay down. He leapt toward me. Don’t you get it? Your brother died because he took a shot meant for me.”
“You think I don’t know my brother? You think I don’t know you? If you could have prevented him from getting hit, you’d have risked your own life to do that. Just as he risked his life for you. It’s what Marines do. Honor, courage, commitment.”
“You don’t understand…”
She placed her fingers on his lips. “Yeah, I do. I know that neither one of us can bring Johnny back no matter how much we want to.” She blinked away the tears. “And I know that he wouldn’t want you blaming yourself this way. So let’s try and look at this logically, okay?”
His sensual mouth quirked in a pale semblance of his customary smile. “You’re telling me to be logical?”
“Absolutely. You tell me that all the time, so now it’s my turn. If the shots were coming out of the darkness, there’s no way Johnny could have anticipated that that particular shot was coming your way. You said the gunfire was flying all over the place. He couldn’t know that either one of you would be hit. Have you considered that?”
“Not really, no.”
“Well, consider it now. I don’t know that he actually planned on taking a bullet meant for you. That it was a premeditated act on his part. That’s what’s been eating you up inside isn’t it? That he died instead of you?”
Unable to speak, Ben nodded.
“Did he tell you that before he died? Did he tell you he’d taken that bullet for you?”
“No. But I saw it in his eyes….”
“Saw what?”
“That he loved me.” Ben’s voice cracked.
“Maybe it was out of your hands,” she said gently. “Out of both of your hands. Have you ever considered that?”
Ben couldn’t believe that instead of blaming him, Ellie was trying to console him. “Why are you acting this way? Why aren’t you condemning me, swearing at me, throwing me out of your life?”
“You’ve condemned yourself long enough, Ben.” She cupped his face in her hand, turning his tortured gaze toward her. “I think it’s time to forgive yourself.”
“Can you forgive me?” His voice was rough with emotion.
“You haven’t done anything that needs forgiving, Ben. You didn’t fire those weapons, you didn’t put my brother in harm’s way. You need to believe that.”
“Do you believe it?”
“Absolutely. Let me show you how much I believe it.” She leaned forward to kiss him. She’d only intended to show him how she felt, not to seduce him. But once his lips met hers, the always-present chemistry between them flared out of control.
Groaning, Ben lowered her onto the bed, possessing her mouth with unmistakable hunger. The intensity of the confessions and emotions they’d just shared was reflected in their embrace. Protective walls were stripped away, barriers broken down, leaving them both with the most basic of truths. Ellie knew this man was meant for her and that she was meant for him.
Once again she’d left her heart open to be wounded, but this time Ben didn’t push her away. He welcomed her, openly showing her how much he needed her, how deeply he wanted her. It was apparent in the way his tongue tangled with hers, the way he nibbled on the sweet softness of her lower lip.
One kiss blended into another, increasingly more sensual. His mouth engulfed hers in a turbulent seeking of souls.
She wasn’t sure who removed his T-shirt. It may have been her, but she thought he was the one responsible. Or maybe it was a joint operation like the way they’d both unbuttoned her sleeveless shirt.
Ben undid the front fastening of her bra and tossed it aside so that he could concentrate on her bare breasts. He lightly teased the rosy crests with the tip of his thumb, brushing back and forth with tender skill. Murmuring her excitement, Ellie curved her hand behind his neck and guided his mouth to her. He took his time, increasing her anticipation as he licked the hollow at the base of her throat, slowly working his way downward.
When he gilded her nipples with a tongue made warm and wet from their kiss, she arched her back off the bed as waves of bliss washed over her.
He didn’t hurry, taking his time with her, noting what gave her pleasure and repeating it until she was shivering with the urgency of her need for him.
She wanted to touch him, to explore and revel in him. She shifted against him, placing a string of kisses up his rib cage to his silky-brown nipples. Wanting to do to him what he’d just done to her, she swirled her tongue over him as her hands slid downward, cupping him through his boxers.
“Are you sure this is what you want?” She felt him trembling as he buried his face in her hair.
“I’m sure you’re what I want,” she whispered against his bare chest.
There was no time for talking after that. In short order, her shorts and underwear were removed along with his boxers. Ben ran his hand up her thighs to the place that ached to be touched. His hand cupped her warm and willing flesh before parting the delicate folds to feel the readiness in her. His rhythmic caress propelled her to a new level of pleasure. Surging vibrations were transmitted from his stroking fingers to her womb until her entire being pulsated.
“Now,” she gasped, her fingers gripping his backside.
He settled his body into place. His entry was smooth and sensuous, an erotic rush that was wondrous as the warm velvet length of him slid into her welcoming depths, filling her. With a cry of joy she closed around him, drawing him deeper.
His growl of bliss made her heart shiver. With iron control he prolonged the ultimate delight, the silken friction of his movements urging her on, until she was spiraling upward to the pinnacle of passion, an ecstasy that went beyond sensation. She absorbed him into her very being as she was consumed by the intimate ebb and flow of her climax. Moments later he followed her, his back arching, his face etched with male satisfaction as he shouted her name.
Later, as she lay beside him and listened to his heartbeat, Ellie reflected on what Ben had confessed to her earlier.
She didn’t know why her brother had done what he’d done that fateful night. She didn’t know if he’d taken a bullet for Ben. She only knew that her instincts told her that Johnny had loved life, and wouldn’t throw it away needlessly. A greater force had intervened that night. Both men could just as easily have died in the firestorm, instead of one.
Those same instincts told her that she’d fallen head over heels in love with her husband.
Surprisingly, that was no longer such a scary proposition. Instead it filled her with excitement at the possibilities.
“What are you smiling about?” he murmured.
“You. What are you smiling at?”
“You.” His dimples flashed, bracketing his wicked grin as he rolled her atop him. “How late will Frenchie baby-sit Amy?”
“She said we didn’t have to hurry.”
“Then by all means let’s take it slow….” he murmured before making love to her all over again.
“I’m starved,” Ellie confessed as she joined Latesha and Cyn four days later at Primo Pasta, an Italian restaurant located midway between Pine Hills and her new house. The weather had turned warm for early April, but the sleeveless pale blue linen shirt and matching skirt she wore kept her cool. In fact the entire spring had been hotter than usual. Or maybe it was Ben’s presence in her life that had heated things up.
She smiled at the intimate memories of the past few days. They’d managed to squeeze in some private time during the hectic move from her apartment to the new house and had certainly made good use of that big bed of his. Not that their lovemaking had been confined there. They’d almost drowned in the shower twice.
Ellie blushed just thinking about it. A quick glance at her friends told her they hadn’t noticed her momentary lapse.
“I’m surprised one of your cousins doesn’t own a restaurant,” Latesha teased Cyn. “They seem to own just about everything else, from a video store to a wedding chapel.”
“Actually my cousin Vinnie was the one who told me about this place. He wants me to check it out, in case he’s interested in expanding his business base to include a restaurant. Meanwhile he’s promoted me to associate manager of Vinnie’s Videos.”
Latesha high-fived her. “Way to go!”
“Congratulations.” Ellie hugged Cyn.
“With the pay increase I no longer have to work at Al’s Place. So I quit two days ago.”
“When I heard that Cyn was leaving, well…What was the point in putting up with JayJay’s stupidity? Earl and I quit the next day,” Latesha told Ellie. “But when the owner heard that all his employees had left en masse, he came in and talked to us. We told him how bad things have been, what a lazy loser JayJay is, how he fired you after coming on to you.”
“What did the owner say?”
“Mr. Culligan apologized for JayJay’s behavior and then fired him.”
Ellie paused, the Italian bread she’d just dipped in the specially prepared olive oil and Parmesan cheese frozen midway to her mouth. “JayJay was fired?”
“Yep. Can you believe it?”
Ellie shook her head.
“But wait, there’s more. Guess who Mr. Culligan named as the new manager of Al’s Place?”
“You?”
“Me? No way.” Latesha laughed. “I don’t want the hassle of being a manager. He named Earl.”
“That’s great!” Ellie had always liked Earl.
“I know. But the thing is that Earl is now my boss and well, we’ve got this thing going between us….”
“They’re a couple,” Cyn noted mockingly. “I appear to be surrounded by couples. First you and Ben, now Latesha and Earl.”
“Don’t say it like you’re left all by yourself,” Latesha protested. “I happen to know all about that exotic dancer you’ve been seeing.”
Cyn grinned and twirled her straw in her diet soda. Her light lilac nails matched the color of her dress, which was piped in black lace. A large amethyst crystal hung from a thick silver chain around her neck. “As I said at the time, I do love a man out of uniform. Speaking of which, Ellie, you’ve been beaming since we walked in this place. Come on, talk.”
Ellie shrugged and swallowed the delicious bread she’d just eaten before dabbing at her lips. “What can I say? Married life just keeps getting better and better.”
“Really? Go on.” Latesha nudged her. “Tell us more.”
“Suffice it to say that your nickname for Ben was accurate. He is too yummy for words.”
“You wicked woman you!” Latesha squealed.
Ellie blinked. “What? What did I say?”
“It’s not just what you said, it’s the way you said it, and that look in your eyes.”
“What look?”
“The look of a woman who vows that her husband is too yummy because she’s tasted him herself and has firsthand knowledge of such things.”
“Such things?” Ellie repeated.
“Such intimate things. Speaking of which, how did you like that red nightgown I got you for your wedding night? Or more to the point how did Ben like it?”
“Frankly, it didn’t look that good on him,” Ellie replied with a wicked grin of her own.
Cyn tossed a blue packet of artificial sweetener at her. “You’re definitely doing better than the last time I saw you last week when you were angsting about Ben’s reputation.”
“Ben has a reputation?” Latesha repeated. “This is the first I’ve heard about it. I thought Earl checked him out with his Marine buddies.”
“Ben apparently has something of a reputation for helping damsels in distress which made our friend Ellie here think he’d married her to be nice.”
“Are you kidding?” Latesha’s eyebrows rose. “The guy has been hot for you since day one, Ellie. Anyone with half a brain could see that.”
“Except for our Ellie here. So what changed in the past week?” Cyn demanded. “Inquiring minds want to know. Was it that wickedly big asset of his?”
Ellie and Latesha were so stunned they almost snorted the sodas they’d been sipping.
“What?” Cyn gave them a look of innocence. “I was referring to that huge bed he has. I was still there with you when it was delivered, remember? Why? What did you wicked women think I meant?”
Ellie tossed the sweetener packet back at her.
“All right, you two,” Latesha kiddingly scolded. “No more playing with your food or they’ll toss us out of here. Maybe we should change the subject to a safer topic. How’s Amy doing? Is she excited about the move?”
“She’s not pleased that Frenchie won’t be living right across the hall from us anymore. She’s staying with Frenchie today.”
“Yeah, but it’s not like you’re moving out of state or anything. You’re only twenty minutes down the road. Ten if you take the Interstate.”
“And exceed the speed limit,” Latesha added.
“I told you that officer’s radar gun was broken. There’s no way I was going forty in a twenty mile an hour zone.”
They paused as their server brought their food. Cyn had ordered the vegetable lasagna while Ellie had chosen the Cabrese salad with tomatoes and fresh mozzarella in balsamic dressing. Latesha went with eggplant parmigiana.
“Yummy,” Cyn noted, closing her eyes in appreciation. “I think we should come here more often.”
“Let’s make a toast,” Latesha said, lifting her ice-filled glass of soda. “To us. May we all find what we’re looking for.”
“And when we find him, please don’t let him already be married,” Cyn added.
Ellie laughed, while hugging the silent knowledge that she’d already found what she was looking for and his name was Ben.
“So what’s this rumor I heard about you playing with Barbie dolls?” Rad mockingly asked Ben as he joined him at a sports bar near the Marine base.
Ben realized that it was Rad’s duty as his brother to give Ben a hard time. The brothers all felt that way about one another. “What are you talking about?”
“You and Barbie dolls. Or maybe it was you and an inflatable doll.”
“You’re the one in need of that kind of assistance,” Ben retorted. “I’m a married man.”
“Who plays with dolls.”
“It was Amy’s doll and what’s the big deal? That’s old news.”
Rad shook his head and shot him a reproachful look. “You’re goin’ soft, bro.”
“I still managed to beat you at darts.”
“Only because I let you win.”
“Yeah, right.” Ben wasn’t buying that claim for one minute.
“This is the thanks I get for helping you move last weekend?”
“I fed you two pizzas and half a six-pack of beer. What more do you want?”
“A little appreciation.”
“You better watch out, you’re starting to sound like Striker.”
“He sure took off fast enough after my wedding. Didn’t even wait for me to get back from my honeymoon.”
“He wasn’t sure how you’d take us marooning you at that tacky honeymoon motel. I wasn’t, either.”
“Is that why our folks decided to hightail it out of town so quickly, too?”
“Dad figured since they were so far south, they might as well drive the RV on down to Texas to visit with Striker and Kate. You heard they’re going to have a baby, right?”
“Yeah, Striker called me yesterday and told me he was going to be a dad.”
“Did you give him some advice?”
“Me?”
“Yeah, you. You’re already a daddy to Amy.”
“She’s a great kid.”
“How is the storytelling going?”
“Talk about a tough crowd.” Ben laughed ruefully. “I’ve gotta tell you, a unit of lean mean Marines has nothing on a stubborn five-year-old.” Since the night he and Ellie had gotten back from their honeymoon, Ben had tried to wrap up the story of Lady Blush, GK and Flamebo but Amy had nixed everything he’d come up with. He was starting to suspect she just wanted the story to keep going on forever and ever.
“How are the adoption plans going?” Rad asked.
“So far so good. We’ve hired an attorney here locally, one that Kate recommended, and are taking the preliminary steps to proceed with the adoption.”
“That’s good, right?”
Ben nodded and took another sip of his beer.
“So if everything is so great in married-land, why are you sitting here with me instead of at home with your lovely wife and her daughter and her Barbies?”
“Can’t a guy have a beer with his brother without there being anything wrong?”
“I don’t know. I’m not the married one. You are. So you tell me.”
“Things are going too well.”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me,” Ben muttered, feeling like an idiot. He knew that since he’d first made love to Ellie things had got both incredibly better and a bit worse for him. The latter was entirely due to the fact that he didn’t know how she felt about him. He hoped, he guessed…but he didn’t know. She hadn’t said she loved him. “Things are going too well.”
“I didn’t know there was such a thing.”
“You know when you’re on a mission and everything is going like clockwork, but you have this uneasy feeling in your gut that something’s about to hit the fan?”
Rad nodded.
“Well, that’s what this is like.”
“Being married?”
“No. Being married is great. Better than I ever dreamed.”
“So what’s the problem? You’re not still feeling guilty about your buddy’s death, are you?”
“Ellie and I worked that out.”
“Glad to hear it.”
“Yeah.” Ben was a Marine and as such talking about his feelings or even displaying them was not done. Which was why it had been so difficul for him to open up with Ellie. Rad understood all that. Spilling his guts wasn’t his way either. Instead, he clapped Ben on the shoulder in a gesture meant to convey his empathy even if it was cloaked in a jocular male way. “If you need to talk…”
“Yeah.” Ben cleared his throat. “Thanks.”
“I mean it. If you ever need to talk…”
“Just call Striker,” they said in unison, grinning to hide their discomfort at having revealed too much. “Collect.”
“What do you think of your new room?” Ellie asked her daughter. “Do you like it?”
Amy nodded. “It’s big. I like the castle you drewed on the shades. Can I go next door and play with Mandy?”
Amy had taken the shy little three-year-old under her wing since moving in, and being the stronger one for a change had given Amy a burst of confidence that made Ellie’s heart proud.
“Yeah, sweetie. Mandy and her mom are expecting you.” She walked her next door and talked briefly with Mandy’s mom before returning home.
Ellie was so happy these days that she was tempted to pinch herself. Finally it seemed like all the bad times were behind her. Sure there were still things to work out, but for the first time in a long time she was optimistic about her future and her dreams to have a family.
The sound of a knock on her front door interrupted her thoughts. Thinking it was Amy, she said, “Did you forget something—”
Her words ended abruptly as she realized who was standing on her doorstep.
“Hi, honey,” her ex-husband Perry drawled. “Did you miss me?”